Saturday, January 01, 2011

Five Resolutions That I Intend to Keep...

1. I resolve to be an even bigger prick in 2011 than I was in 2010. Squeaky wheels get the grease, after all. However, I intend to pick my battles much more carefully, although I will try my damnedest to fight them under the banner of "principle", rather than "selfishness". I will assert my Constitutional Rights before they totally disappear, or are further perverted by shameless, brainless libertines lacking the same sense you'd find in your average Golden Retriever.

2. I resolve to report every illegal alien I can find. Fuck 'em, and get them the fuck out of my country. There's a reason the garbage dump you escaped from is a shithole: it's because people like you lived in it. Allowing you a repeat performance on this soil -- at taxpayer expense -- is a recipe for disaster. And I didn't forget about you Muslim pukes, either; you're on the list, too. Don't let me catch you buying diesel fuel and fertilizer, or building a mosque in my neighborhood. In fact, I'd rather not see you at all.

3. I resolve to do everything in my power to mock the so-called Elite in this country, who are little more than a bunch of bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, nose-picking, idiots who couldn't organize a gang bang in prison, and who wouldn't know a good idea if it bashed them over the head with a hammer. I'm sick and tired of having my life affected by credentialed, pretentious ignoramuses spouting their bullshit on (P)MSNBC, or the Legacy media and deriving some sort of distinction from it. Leftist politics are the result of a pernicious mental disorder, and should be recognized as such by the greater mass of the community, so that we may defend ourselves from the consequences of stupid ideas being promoted by stupider people. This needs to be pointed out every goddamned day.

4. I resolve to get more involved in local politics. I was always a republican, until republican became synonymous with democrat-in-a-better-suit. The local republican party in these parts is a den of incestuous douchebags, and the NY State Republican party makes NAMBLA look like a Cub Scout Troop. The local Tea Party seems more like the Junior High Drama Club, only with a lot of people who seem to remember when this island had dairy farms, and no mass of transplanted Brooklynites who's only contribution to culture here is the garishly back-lit shrine to the Madonna on the front lawn. Perhaps a New Tea Party is in order? I rather doubt I'm the one to organize anything, but maybe there's some like-minded individuals out there? Drop me a line.

5. I resolve to set fire to the very next person who uses any of the following phrases/terms in my presence:

"It's for the Children..."

"The Working Poor..."

"Working Families..."

"Our common American Values..."

"We have to pass the bill to see what's in it..."

"This election is about change..."

"Tax cuts for the Wealthy..."

"Comprehensive Immigration Legislation..."

"We need more education..."

"....but, Program X is underfunded..."

"Fair Share..."

"Legacy of Slavery..."

"The Commerce Clause allows Government to do..."

" Safe, Legal and Rare..."

"Se Habla Espanol..."

"How will you protect your investments? Gold..."

"Well, in Europe they have ______"

"I read it in the New York Times..."

"What would Ronald Reagan do?"

"Saving Social Security/Medicare..."

"We're winning in Afghanistan/Iraq..."

"X, Y and Z are caused by Global Warming..."

"Katie Kouric/Keith Olbermann/Geraldo Rivera is a respected journalist..."


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