tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post750002603025735496..comments2024-01-06T18:05:16.766-05:00Comments on The Lunatic's Asylum: Insane Blogger Becomes Caregiver...Matthew Notohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-72903936942211686522014-03-21T00:33:37.555-04:002014-03-21T00:33:37.555-04:00Hi Matthew,
I know I'm commenting on this 4 ...Hi Matthew, <br /><br />I know I'm commenting on this 4 years too late, but I'm in the same boat right now as this article. I'm 28 and an only child to my mom who recently had a total knee replacement. I live with her because I'm currently unemployed (today's economy story). I am taking care of her although she is very self sufficient with most everything (sponge bathing, grabbing snacks) for herself. I still do the rest with buying groceries, cooking, and setting it up so it's all ready to go in containers to heat up and she can just grab it and eat. <br />Meanwhile, I've put on hold for now looking for jobs because of my daughter duties. (I still look and apply to new postings I come across)I feel like I'm doing my best under the circumstances and my life is on hold but to get told, what I'm doing is not enough and that I ABSOLUTELY NOT TO HER STANDARDS. when I feel llike I'm already running around like a headless chicken, picking up her pain and regular meds. Making sure all her paperwork from work (leave) are all in order becuase she left it HALF DONE! And she yells at me to get it done ASAP because they need it. <br />WhenI try to encourage her to do her exercises (physiotherapy) she's an absolute tiger and yells at me and verbally says hurtful things that makes me feel like I'm a pile of dirt. Thank you for your insightfully truthful writing. It really put to words my current situation and it helped me to have some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one to feel this way adn that I'm not an awful bratty daughter. THanks again. -Lyra-Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-29499722545032920952011-08-24T08:18:49.265-04:002011-08-24T08:18:49.265-04:00I really liked the article, and the very cool blog...I really liked the article, and the very cool blogAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-38297019566384662312011-04-29T13:16:20.347-04:002011-04-29T13:16:20.347-04:00Lots of beneficial reading here, thank you! I was ...Lots of beneficial reading here, thank you! I was searching on yahoo when I identified your submit, I’m going to add your feed to Google Reader, I look forward to more from you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-58631547498093669692011-03-24T18:06:26.999-04:002011-03-24T18:06:26.999-04:00Thank you, Ana. I try to do my best between suicid...Thank you, Ana. I try to do my best between suicidal mood swings.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-86669067166173489142011-03-24T17:27:30.112-04:002011-03-24T17:27:30.112-04:00Your blog has just given me a rush...bit like taki...Your blog has just given me a rush...bit like taking a high dose of uppers. I'm euphoric. You're the brother my mother must have had without me knowing...you're describing "mummy dear mummy", the star in my blog. I'm stupid, heartless, Satan, incapable, insane - all and any of these and more in any order you wish. Just like you! Any chance of starting a mummy dear mummy commune where we could drop them and pick them up in say 150 years? I'm subscribing to this NOW. And I'm linking to you NOW. Great stuff. AnaAnahttp://www.notesfrombethesda.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-14166375738977724202011-01-29T08:36:19.850-05:002011-01-29T08:36:19.850-05:00I would say "hang in there," but I have ...I would say "hang in there," but I have no idea how to tie a noose. There are few things in this world that suck worse than unpaid family caregiving.Brown and Yellow Superherohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09776399383535266696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-78874004641610218002010-12-30T11:07:34.794-05:002010-12-30T11:07:34.794-05:00Ahh, the reason my children don't mind that I ...Ahh, the reason my children don't mind that I married a much younger man. They might be cheated out of the house and money but they also don't have to take care of me!The Texas Womannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-41801399044255097452010-12-28T18:22:24.479-05:002010-12-28T18:22:24.479-05:00This from a fellow inmate in the lunatic asylum: ...This from a fellow inmate in the lunatic asylum: I took care of my dry drunk mother (she finally sobered up but was mean as a snake, still) while she was dying of cancer. The chemo was a bitch--"Mom, eat this teaspoon of salt, or your kidneys will fail," at 2am. This did not go well. Finally, after falling asleep on the freeway, and cooking three different breakfasts (too hot, too cold, too something), I quit. Quit to take care of my son, who is autistic and has Down syndrome. He's an angel in comparison.<br />The long run (I've been at this almost 30 years now) -- I laugh at things most people don't find funny, I got a labrador, who thinks I'm God's right hand because I drop food when I'm cooking, and I no longer worry about Ms. Manners and social customs like taking a 29 year old man into the women's rest room (he still needs help). So Matthew, take humor where you can find it. Consider the ordinary a miracle, and watch funny movies.Liznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-83582005022884001432010-12-23T08:08:38.634-05:002010-12-23T08:08:38.634-05:00Thanks len, but we're past the PTSD stuff. I h...Thanks len, but we're past the PTSD stuff. I haven't forgotten, but it doesn't really affect me the way it used to anymore. Time, they say, heals all wounds.<br /><br />On those days when things do actually get to me, I come here and vent, and then engage in my breathing exercises which work absolute wonders in throwing off the stress.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-43151609658111775442010-12-22T23:20:25.190-05:002010-12-22T23:20:25.190-05:00Good onya for not pretending to be a bloody saint ...Good onya for not pretending to be a bloody saint and having a good vent. I used to be a professional caregiver, and I actually did enjoy the work, believe it or not. I also enjoyed going home and walking away from it. <br /><br />Doing something for a stranger, at set times, and getting paid for it, is entirely different from being tethered 24/7 to someone who doesn't appreciate you and who endlessly pushes your buttons. I loved your comments on the shrink community, but there might be one exception: have you looked into EFT? It is a combination of neuro-linguistic programming and acupressure that quite literally gets old hurts out of your system. Especially good for PTSD. No, I am not selling it.<br />http://eftuniverse.comIen in the Kootenayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01766317652520657570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-3347495290882555472010-12-22T18:47:26.137-05:002010-12-22T18:47:26.137-05:00@Amanda,
There is a reason why this is called &qu...@Amanda,<br /><br />There is a reason why this is called "The Lunatic's Asylum", you know; I have had way more therapy than any human being should ever be forced to endure, or pay for.<br /><br />And that was for REAL issues, like PTSD and agoraphobia, because I'm just not the sort of guy who can walk away from a burning skyscraper with a 757 stuck in it and then just go about my life as if nothing has happened.<br /><br />I've been on the couch before, and it basically does not work on anyone with more sense than a brain damage golden retreiver. You guys have some racket going.<br /><br />Talk therapy and support groups are largely nonsense. Modern psychoanalysis is either "take these pills, fuck us if we know how they work, or even IF they will, and fork over $400 for the 45-minute hour", or it's a torrent of touchy-feely-drum-circle bullshit designed to make you come back again and again for the bittersweet drugs of sympathy and empathy, like a crack addict.<br /><br />I appreciate your advice though. Thanks.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-82801843692043668802010-12-22T13:11:14.714-05:002010-12-22T13:11:14.714-05:00Fuck! Just what I needed. I hear you.Fuck! Just what I needed. I hear you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-41323240031436887142010-12-22T11:57:04.480-05:002010-12-22T11:57:04.480-05:00Maybe you should find a support group for people w...Maybe you should find a support group for people who are dealing with the same "caregiver to parent" issues. I know as a mental health counselor, that talking with other people who share the same problems can significantly decrease your stress and anxiety and help you find some solutions that suite you.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18412543774031572809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-7916080061910041972010-12-22T09:11:41.140-05:002010-12-22T09:11:41.140-05:00Good going Matt. Give them hell.Good going Matt. Give them hell.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02337896741233965524noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-72161733956239954372010-12-22T08:47:56.510-05:002010-12-22T08:47:56.510-05:00Thanks for the free psychgological profile, Anonym...Thanks for the free psychgological profile, Anonymous Douchebag, but you're off the mark:<br /><br />I'm 43.<br /><br />My Mother lives in a house THAT I PAY FOR. Incidentally, my sister and her husband live in another house that I paid for.<br /><br />Mom has depended upon me, in one way or another, since I was about <br />7 years old. I was the sole supporter of my family (Mom, Sister and Brother) at 19. <br /><br />I don't feel so much a son, sometimes, as much as ex-husband number 3. it's a weird family dynamic, and it's only made worse when someone who labors under false the impression that they're entitled to everything gets sick and starts making outrageous demands.<br /><br />If you're going to make a drive-by comment please at least be in possession of some facts, and spae me the Dr. Phil-quality psychology.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-14454414129395339682010-12-21T23:32:05.533-05:002010-12-21T23:32:05.533-05:00Always wonder why a 50+ yr old is living w/dear ol...Always wonder why a 50+ yr old is living w/dear ole Mom???<br />You can find it easy to hate someone you're dependent on.<br />Hire someone, do your Mom a favor, and hit the road!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-77103322616334890582010-12-21T20:13:26.798-05:002010-12-21T20:13:26.798-05:00Hi Matthew
I actually am privy to your blog becaus...Hi Matthew<br />I actually am privy to your blog because a lifelong friend of mine sent it along to me for the mere fact that your story (mom) reminded her of my mother and what I have dealt with my WHOLE life; and not just through (GOD FORBID) an illness. I cant even imagine how difficult that would be she is so unreasonable and nothing is ever good enough, I cant picture what heights her nastiness would rise to if she were not feeling well!<br /> I thoroughly empathize with your plight and unless you have lived with a mother like ours (mine is italian to by the way) there is NO WAY to make others understand. The friend that sent your blog to me gets it even though she had a completely different type of mother (God rest her dear soul); she's know my mother for over 40 years.<br /> My mother has ALWAYS been demanding, self absorbed, and quite frankly not to well informed about life and what goes on around her even though she has lived 85 years. If it doesn't directly affect her, she just doesnt care. And if someone doesnt do her biding to her exact expectation, then she wishes all kinds of evils on them, even if its lets say her own son (my brother). <br /> She picks up the phone every day I call her with a greeting of some kind of complaint about something, never hello, never how are you dear etc all the normal things you would expect from a parent.<br /> So to those who would berate you for your blog, I just say live in my shoes for one day and let's see how that goes. In spite of it all I still call my mother every day and have her to visit at least twice a week. Its always... what is she going to say or do to cause trouble this time. <br /> Bless you for hanging in there and doing what you need to do and for trying to find some humor in it all as well. <br /> By the way I am also a nurse and I dont think it is your responsibility as a "son" especially for you to have to do some of the more personal and private things for your mother that need care. There are home health aides that could come in and do that for you to spare you the awkwardness of having to see your mother's more private areas etc. <br /> Good luck and thank you as well. I dont feel quite as alone in dealing with a difficult person, who happens to be my mother. I use to think it was all my fault that she was never satified with anything I did or said, now that I'm older and in my professional life I help others, I realize it's not me. My mother does not respect anyone, especially me, she still thinks I'm a child; and I have grown children of my own. So I tell her mom; you dont get respect just because you are my mother. I am an adult with a life of my own and I deserve the same respect as you do, especially if you expect to get any from me. Take care and good Luck. Jeanne<br />PS Thanks for the chuckles too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-2036925395263416992010-12-21T13:29:55.041-05:002010-12-21T13:29:55.041-05:00@ Sarah,
You are beyond clueless about the stress...@ Sarah,<br /><br />You are beyond clueless about the stress and duties of a caregiver (paid or just-stuck-because-they're-family).<br /><br />My very best hope that your family and loved ones stay healthy. <br /><br />Very healthy.balagannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-72204938149952698352010-12-21T11:20:18.176-05:002010-12-21T11:20:18.176-05:00I was a caregiver to my mom last year. She passed...I was a caregiver to my mom last year. She passed away on 9/11/09...she was a great patient....I can't imagine what your mom put you thru! I enjoy reading your stuff. Thanks to the NY times for giving you free publicity! :)La Eve!http://www.eveonmymind.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-58306930031715315162010-12-20T20:05:18.404-05:002010-12-20T20:05:18.404-05:00I used to just drink, but that got expensive and I...I used to just drink, but that got expensive and I found myself waking up with a lot of strange women who wouldn't go home.<br /><br />Nah, blogging is much easier.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-31175723051642083982010-12-20T19:23:22.087-05:002010-12-20T19:23:22.087-05:00I scream a lot. I mean I go out in my car and scre...I scream a lot. I mean I go out in my car and scream my head off. Give it a try.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-5771448467266334392010-12-20T18:39:03.654-05:002010-12-20T18:39:03.654-05:00You're perfectly welcome to come see it all fo...You're perfectly welcome to come see it all for yourself anytime you'd like to, Anonymous. If you don't have brain damage now, you most certainly will after 24 hours here.<br /><br />You'll agree; no fiction here.<br /><br />And really, if I had wanted to write a piece of pure fiction, I think I would have created a main character who was the sort of pretentious twit who would mention "Catcher in the Rye" and "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" in an anonymous blog reply.Matthew Notohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08881509233809999186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-43990578234751940822010-12-20T15:32:19.406-05:002010-12-20T15:32:19.406-05:00My 62-year-old husband had a knee replacement and ...My 62-year-old husband had a knee replacement and was walking with a cane within 24 hours after coming home from the hospital. He was completely self-sufficient though I did do all the cooking and fetching for a week or so. He did have pain but apparently sucked it up.<br /><br />Pardon me while I go apologize for thinking he was a big baby.Sharonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11827236343578670299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-3015665708358209362010-12-20T14:38:56.861-05:002010-12-20T14:38:56.861-05:00Yup. I know exactly what you mean about all the i...Yup. I know <i>exactly</i> what you mean about all the invented tasks, calling upong your help after hearing you so much as roll over in bed (aha! caregiver is awake! let me trot out all my demands and complaints....)<br /><br />From observation, caregivers do the main tasks and just do not do (and finally are no longer asked) all the maddening trivia. Maybe that's what allows them to endure...plus the money helps a bit.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13395936525590364973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6161738.post-11143580930932842702010-12-20T13:17:21.826-05:002010-12-20T13:17:21.826-05:00This seems like someone that's just read "...This seems like someone that's just read "Catcher in the Rye" and "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" trying to attempt their own work of fiction, possibly with a little bit of "Sopranos" mixed in (seems eerily similar to the relationship Tony had with his elderly mother). Still, good writing, keep it up!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com