Douchebag of the Week (1/25/14): Governor Andrew Cuomo

There's an old saying in these parts, that is, on Staten Island, the Forgotten Borough of New York City, that the "apple does not fall far from the tree."

In our crankier and less-forgiving moments, this saying is often modified thusly:

"The turd doesn't fall far from the asshole..."

Oh, how we have been blessed here in New York State! We have had the distinct pleasure (about as pleasurable as having your ass shaved with a cheese grater and then having lemon juice poured on the wound) of living under the enlightened despotism of two Cuomos. First, there was Mario (the Asshole), and now, we suffer under the misguided stupidity that is the regime led by his son, Andrew (The Turd).

Quite frankly, until Hurricane Sandy hit us here I was under the impression that we didn't have a governor.  I'm fairly certain we could survive without one, too. After all, we never saw the man, and if he had anything to say, no one reported it; if he was doing anything, no one cared. It was as if, by some mystical and largely anonymous convention, the office of Governor of the State of New York had been wordlessly abolished, as if there were no one sitting in the governor's office.

But then came Sandy, and whenever a disaster strikes you can count upon three things: FEMA will be here next month and promptly lose the required paperwork, the Illegal Immigrants will get any government aid that arrives first, and every pissant, shit-for-brains politician within 500 miles will show up to stand around in the devastation to get his/her face on the television.

And thus, I, along with millions of other New Yorkers, had suddenly discovered that we did, indeed, have a governor. In fact, we had had one all along, but just hadn't noticed. Then again, it isn't as if the man gave us anything to talk about, or did anything particularly noteworthy. For all intents and purposes a virtual nullity, a hole in the air, something akin to a bad-but-transitory odor has been occupying the governor's mansion in Albany. There was absolutely no reason to pay attention to Andrew Cuomo. It was as if we went from the blind David Paterson to the Deaf-Dumb-And-Blind Cuomo. There was no one steering the ship, and quite frankly, no one much seemed to mind.

But then came the Big Wind and in it's wake The Big Blowhard. Suddenly, we found out that we really did have someone who called himself governor, and by God, he was on this Hurricane shit like white on rice. He held a lot of press conferences, by golly, and he said a lot of things that no one really listened to or cares to remember, and he ate up a lot of airtime in the media....but nothing happened. If you want to know just how effective all that posturing, all that time in front of television cameras was, then come here to Staten Island and see what's left of the South Shore nearly two years after Sandy. Houses are still piles of rubble, no one can rebuild because the promised state and federal funds haven't arrived, people are still homeless, and their insurance companies are dragging their feet on making good their losses.

But Andrew Cuomo certainly gave it to the utility companies, yessirrree!, for being unable to deal with a once-in-a-century superstorm. Why, he was up there with the rest of the Flapping Rectum Class (that would be anyone connected to the democratic machine of the State of New York) screaming about how the utility companies were "price gouging" while they couldn't deliver power to some places for all the downed transmission lines and flooded equipment, and threatening them with dire consequences ("I'll say bad things about you in the press,and sue you if you don't do what I want!") if they didn't perform a miracle and rebuild a damaged grid in the same manner in which Moses parted the Red Sea. Why, our Andy was all full of piss and vinegar....

But mostly full of shit...

Because as soon as the hubbub over Sandy dissipated, as soon as the cameras were gone, so was Andy. For he had bigger fish to fry than some homeless citizens who were in dire straits, up to their asses in floating debris. No, he had to immediately turn his attention to the really important issues that were keeping New Yorkers from living the American Dream.

After all, gays couldn't be legally married in New York State, and this was a tragedy on par with the Holocaust. And when he had accomplished that mighty goal, he simply disappeared, again. And quite frankly, we kind of liked it that way.

But, as another local saying goes, "Shit Floats". It doesn't matter how you try to keep Andrew Cuomo down, he still manages to emerge from the sewer every once in a while and pollute the public discourse with his rancid brand of identity politics and pandering.

Which brings us to the latest Cuomo Kerfuffle; recently, our Intrepid Asswipe took to the airwaves, and in that singularly annoying, condescending tone he often employs, openly stated that anyone who doesn't adhere to the proper political program of the Modern Democratic Party -- that is to say, anyone to the Right of Stalin, or anyone with an opinion that he finds objectionable -- has no place in New York. He goes on to say that pro-Life, pro-gun, Anti-Gay opinions are not "who New Yorkers are".

Quite frankly Andrew Cuomo wouldn't know who New Yorkers were if one ran up to him and bit him on his considerable ass (which is perched atop his neck). I'm not going to go back and reprint what the moron said, because it's not worth the bandwidth and if you're a thinking individual who can breathe without the assistance of a government program, you know what he said, already, and how he meant it (even if he has walked it back) because you pay attention. However, Cuomo has only been echoing the New Normal of Democratic Party Politics, which is to say that, having seen their boilerplate program of the last 40 years finally collapse in a collision with reality, the New Democratic Paradigm is to simply double down on stupid, get more vocal and strident about it, and persist on expending energy and other people's money on things that don't fucking work.

Like welfare. And class warfare. And using wedge issues wherever they can be found to pull people apart, all the while screaming about a lack of tolerance and courtesy, a lack of unity, and the polarization of American Politics.

A few words here on those issues: when it comes to diversity and tolerance, liberals (small "l" intentional) talk a good game, but at the end of the day, they mean not a word of it. They can only tolerate other liberals, that is to say, people who think and speak and act like they do. The mere existence of a contrary thought drives them into fits of apoplexy. Secondly, the words are made doubly meaningless because they are always spoken in the context of political power. That is to say, they are only important in terms of how many votes and campaign contributions they bring, and the amount of discord they generate that then can be put to political purposes. It's marketing, it's false advertising. In the case of Andrew Cuomo, it's the whole core of his political philosophy, for as he once famously said while he was Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:

"The PR is the important thing I do. Eighty percent of this battle is communications."

And speaking of his term as Housing and Urban Development Secretary, I want to engage in a little thought experiment; take a look at your local Urban. Does it seem developed to you?

Of course not. Mostly because HUD exists to perform political work, not the actual task of ensuring that people can afford homes, or that business comes to the inner city (just ask Detroit). It is a political creature that exists to perform public relations work for the loonier fringes of the American Left. In fact, under Cuomo's tenure as HUD chief, it's own inspector general caught him out in using federal funds to hire what were, for all intents and purposes, democratic party ward healers in many major cities in this country (the Community Builders scandal). Eight hundred of them, in fact, paid $100,000 a year with taxpayer money, who, according to the inspector general's report "Community Builders is a political organization that has no real accomplishments."

Andy is also front and center in the destruction of the real estate market, for while at HUD, he leaned on Fannie and Freddie to make what everyone knew were bad mortgage loans to people based solely upon their race. If your house is now underwater -- in terms of it's mortgage, or literally in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy -- you can blame, in part, Andrew Cuomo, who thought that pandering to "The Poor" in this country (note: we don;t have "Poor" people; we have mollycoddled lazy assholes), it might raise his own political profile. In fact, that's what Andrew Cuomo does all the time: tend to his political profile, for this flaming piece of shit believes he has what it takes to one day be President.

He's a self-promoting, do-nothing, say-anything apparatchik who thinks highly of himself when everyone else wishes with every fiber of their being that he would simply just disappear.

The truth about Andrew Cuomo is that he's a nobody. A speck of dust that lives under your refrigerator. If I were Mario, I'd ask for a paternity test. Then again, Mario probably already knows that Andrew is, unfortunately, his spawn, because the arrogance and stupidity were the hallmarks of his rule over the Empire State, too.

Do you know why Andrew Cuomo said what he did about Republicans not being welcome in New York State? Two reasons: one, he has just seen a complete communist, Bill DiBlasio, elected Mayor of New York on a platform similar to that of Stalin's persecution of the Kulaks, and figures he'd better get in on this electoral gold while the getting is good. Second, because he's testing the waters for a presidential bid in 2016, just in case Benghazi finally sinks Hillary Clinton for good. In order to do this, he must prove to the democratic base (that is, the welfare queens, the disability cheats, the lazy and stupid union workers, the bureaucratic class, the Communism-is-a-good-thing-if-only-you-find-the-right-Communists crowd, the Occupy Wall Street dipshits) that he can Out-Left Hillary, who can be counted upon to do only one thing, which is to do or say only those things that her pollsters, advisers and nominal husband tell her she needs to do and say.

Which tells you how much faith the democratic base has in Clinton, at this point in time. They know she'll say whatever she has to, and throw them under the bus, if need be, to get a nomination, and then rule as a centrist-in-name-only if she gets elected. They're so scared they're even willing to listen to an Andrew Cuomo, if he sings the proper tune. How do you think we got Barack Obama as a president, after all? Hillary portrayed herself as a near-normal, middle-of-the-road sort, and other than an occasional word or two about a stupid issue that interests Libtards, she practically sounded like a republican. Which is why she didn't get the nomination.

But, back to Andy....

Andrew Cuomo will never be a serious contender for the Presidency. hell, it's even a miracle he's managed to become Governor, until you realize that the denizens of New York City, who depend upon government funding for their lifestyle of bastardy and substance abuse, can outvote the rest of the goddamned state every day of the week. This is the curse of New York State politics, and it should come as no surprise that it would throw up a dingbat who can make a statement (paraphrased) that if you're not a fur-breasted, fire-breathing, New-Deal-Great-Society warrior willing to pander to the lowest common denominator, you ain't got a snowball's chance in hell in the new Democratic Party which has become ever more mean, ever more shrill, ever more dedicated to self-immolation ever since it hitched it star to a President who's only talent seems to be for going on vacation.

That's Andrew Cuomo, the last deckhand on the Titanic, valiantly striving to save the sinking ship by bailing with a thimble, in the desperate hope that, should he succeed, that he might be given command of his own vessel, one day. One which he will promptly run aground on a reef seeing as how he couldn't lead a three year old to the crapper, and has the thought process one usually equates with those afflicted by Cerebral Palsy.

So, Governor Cuomo, for being such a hateful, spiteful, mean-spirited asshole, for having the audacity to all-but-declare yourself an Emperor and not an elected official beholden to the people of the Great Empire State, for the accident of birth that saw you born the son of one of the worst Americans to ever live, for having the unmitigated gall to bestow upon yourself the title of Arbiter of All That's Right and Proper, and finally, for failing the people of my hometown, Staten Island, who needed help in the aftermath of a destructive storm (I'm sure if the residents of the South Shore were black, and you needed their votes, you'd have been there with the money and resources with bells on), I bestow upon you the Douchebag of the Week Award.

Perhaps you and your new-found gay friends could find interesting things to do with it...