Friday, December 18, 2009

Mark Steyn Should Be Saving the Planet, Not Gore...

Proving once again that Mark Steyn is a savant for the ages, he exposes the stupidity on display in Copenhagen, and then reprints an old article proving that Al Gore is a Me-Too Idiot of epic proportions and shameless self-promoter with less substance than a hole in the Ozone Layer.

Those Who Can Do, Those Who Can't Teach...

And those who can't even do that, write about it for a living.

Oh yeah? I worked in IT for over 20 years and there were plenty of women, many of them (very good, often better than male) managers, and on the whole, every bit as competent as their male counterparts. Someone needs to get out into the real business world before they write such nonsense.

Just In: Keith Olbermann is STILL An Asshole...

If only he would...

Keith Olbermann vows to go to jail over Healthcare.

(H/T to

If Only Jack Nicholson Actually DID Talk This Way...

In regard to the whole Healthcare boondoggle, a high muck-a-muck of the Healthcare Industry puts some words into Colonel Jessup's mouth...and reveals the stupidity in this reinvention of American Healthcare:

(H/T to

Not So Fast, Sean Hannity...

For the last three weeks, I have listened to Sean Hannity make the mistake of conflating the Tea Party movement with Conservatism, and then postulating that the whole thing simply must be the natural state of the American political landscape reasserting itself; it's a Conservative country, always has been, and now Conservatism shall return in force.

I beg to differ.

Frankly, I think if you looked at it intelligently, you'd probably come to this conclusion; about 30% of the country is actually republican/conservative, about 30% of the country is actually liberal/democrat, and the 40% in the middle wouldn't know what they were if you wrote it down for them on the back of their hands. That 40% is simply too ignorant to care much about politics, is too easily bribed with other people's money to be a reliable vote for either party, or is too dependant upon one party or the other to shift to the other side.

Sean trumpets some recent polls in which 40-something-percent of Americans call themselves Conservative, and thinks this bolsters his argument. But it doesn't. Considering what the democrats placed in office with the help of the so-called moderates, if a pollster called you and asked if you were a lib-comm-symp or a conservative, how many of you would actually admit to having been on Obama's side all along? I'd bet at least 50% of those who answered the question lied through their teeth to avoid the embarrassment.

The fact is that Obama was elected by the moderates, many of them now telling pollsters "I've always been a conservative". They voted for him because they bought the Hope and Change nonsense, and because John McCain was perhaps the worst Presidential candidate since...well, John Kerry.

Now, as to whether or not the Tea Parties are Conservatives in disguise; to a certain extent, yes, they are. They are the small-government, lower-taxes, federalist conservatives which the right has largely ignored these last 20 years because it would rather kowtow to the Religious Right. It's the wing of conservatism that has been ignored because it's more Republican than Puritan, and because there wasn't any money in it.

Here, we come to a difference of opinion over a definition. This is why people like Sean Hannity should read more George Orwell. Because if they did, they'd realize that what they describe as "Conservative" is nothing of the sort, because the terms 'liberal' and 'conservatism' no longer mean what they should, and this blurring of definition is done on purpose by both parties and their operatives for their own reasons. Sean and others like him are unwittingly helping to carry this deception forward.

Technically, a Conservative is someone who seeks to preserve that which was created by liberal means (like the rights and privileges spelled out in the U.S. Constitution, a fairly radical document, historically speaking), or as Irving Krystal once put it (paraphrasing) "A conservative is someone standing in front of the runaway freight train of progress yelling STOP!".

In modern parlance, a Conservative has very slowly been morphed into a caricature of the Bible-carrying, shotgun-toting, gay-hating-flannel-wearing-flag-waving-rural-dwelling hick who is a) under the impression that he's always right -- even when he's wrong -- because God said so, and b) he believes all us city-dwellers don't 'get' him or his way of life, and we're out to persecute him because apparently we have nothing better to do, and c) will do anything Pastor Bob tells him to do, especially if it's presented to him as a holy imperative, because his form of Christianity is often indistinguishable from Islam, in many respects.

You can disagree -- and so would I -- but that is the general impression of 'Conservative' that most people in this country have, and you know what? That's exactly how the so-called leaders of Conservatism would like to have it; they actually believe there is a value in this fable of the continued virtues of the Pioneer Spirit, and the American Do-or-Die drive, concepts which no longer exist in a world of Sleep Number Beds, Sexting, E-mail, cable television, the NFL Network, Once-a-day Osteoprosis 'cures', and frozen pizza rolls. That sort of Conservative, trapped between his traditions and the modern world, is in the same boat as the guy who joins the Taliban. It's an 'us-versus-them' mentality which the republican party has been able to milk for money and votes for a very long time.

It's what I like to call the God-Guns-and-Gays mentality. It's a political philosophy that revolves around school prayer, abortion and opposition to gay marriage, with the small-government-low-tax thing more or less accepted as a good thing only after you promise to pack the Supreme Court. It's not conservative in any real sense, politically. It has very little cachet in a world where the prime concerns of the people are unemployment, a broken economy, out-of-control government and simultaneous wars.

You don't see that sort of thing at a Tea Party Rally. Oh, yeah, you do see a few signs with "God Bless America" and "One Nation Under God", and so on, but you don't see people singing hymns, you don't see men of the cloth making impassioned speeches before the multitudes, you don't see Jerry Falwell -figures front-and-center. In fact, you don't even see establishment politicians in the van of this movement, and the ones who have tried have looked extremely sycophantic and phony while doing it. What you do see is a bunch of reasonably intelligent people who seem to have checked their social conservatism (if they had any) at the door; for them, this is not about abortion and school prayer, it's about getting the government to do what it's supposed to do and then forcing it to stop doing what it actually does.

In that respect, Sean, I would argue that the Tea Parties are actually out to knock that Calvinist brand of Conservatism out of the conversation, and focus the energies of the American people into a more positive direction; into restoring the sovereign rights of the people...not the Republican Party.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Technical Problems?

It seems there's been a major delay today between when I post something, and when it finally hits Blogger. Something on the order of 2 1/2 hours delay. I'm not certain what's causing it, but please be patient while I try to find out.

Thank you!

Makes You Ashamed to Be Italian...

On the Jay Leno Show, the cast of "The Jersey Shore". The sad part is that I have known people like this my entire life, and they are, indeed, proof that stereotypes continue to exist because they are essentially true. That goes for everyone.

The two young men are what we refer to as "Guidos" or "Goombahs", the original metrosexuals made popular by Saturday Night Fever (see here), and the girl, Snooki (and what sort of Italian girl goes by a nickname like that, and you wonder exactly how she got it?) is what's known as a "Squaldrina" (harlot, trollop, strumpet or tart), but more commonly referred to as a "Scifooza" (Ski-foo-ZA); colloquial Italian for "whore".

It makes you sick to think that not only are these idiots the public face of Italians for the younger generation -- they're also the morons who will run the country in my old age.

(Note: I tried to upload the video, but it may be too big for Blogger. You can see it HERE).

We were once a proud race of people, possessed of an amazing cultural inheritance, but we've apparently given birth to an entire generation of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging idiots who are too dumb or shameless to avoid putting their stupidity on public display.

It Ain't Easy Bein' Green...

A roundup of posts about the stupidity in Copenhagen;

Titling at Windmills: The Diplomatic charade of trying to look as if you've agreed to something no one really wants to agree to.

U.S. Negotiators are right, on two counts, here; first, who the hell would agree to anything that doesn't apply to China and India, and second, who the hell wants to give money we don't have to Robert Mugabe and Raul Castro, leaders of two countries which don't even have economies to spew carbon dioxide anymore, thanks to their outstanding leadership. Once again, the whole AGW bullshit is revealed for what it is: redistribution of wealth on a global scale. These people don't love polar bears, or care about the planet, they just hate capitalism and consumerism.

If that wasn't bad enough, Senator John Kerry (Douche bag-Massachusetts) managed to find his way to Copenhagen (Tereza let him off his leash?) to assure the world that if and when something is agreed to, that he will be for it before he's against it, and not only that, but he managed to say something over there that might have cost him his worthless life over here; that the U.S. Congress has plans to impose Carbon Taxes on American citizens and industry. Perhaps we can connive at not allowing the Senator back into the country...for his own safety?

Oh, and he shared the stage with Hugo Chavez. Appropriate. Don't we have a CIA that's supposed to be trying to assassinate this man?

In the meantime, the protesters are back in force, or is it farce? -- proving that for some strange reason , hippies never die. And they never seem to get any smarter, either.

Not to be outdone in the stunning lack of intelligence department, Prince Charles of Britain arrived in true royal, carbon-spewing style to dictate to the peasants. Apparently, there was no other "practical and punctual" means of arriving at the conference for His Highness that didn't involve great luxury, waste and blaring hypocrisy.

And just in case you actually feared that anything of substance will emerge from this conference, Mark Steyn assures you that these people can't even organize a queue to get into the conference, so perhaps greater disaster may one day be averted.

(H/T to Pajamas Media, Instapundit, and Steyn Online)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

If Tim Pawlenty Falls in the Woods, Does Anyone Give a Shit?

Tim Pawlenty, lilly-white-panty-buncher-nonentity from Minnesota, is in New Hampshire, announcing his intention to garner the republican nomination for President in 2012. The announcement is greeted here in Lunaticland with a great, big yawn.

Just when the republican party needs a figure capable of formulating a sane response to the Hopenchange message of it's political rivals, just when it requires someone capable of exciting The Base while still appealing to the great mass of 'independents' (i.e. those too stupid to choose a side, or simply waiting for a bribe in return for their votes) the republican establishment throws up this dude.

And 'throws up' is the proper term.

At a time when the great mass of the public is concerned with a political class that 'just doesn't get it', the political class goes out and proves it in spades.

Now, I'm not telling you I'm an expert on Tim Pawlenty, but if you asked me to give you an opinion on who I believe to be the top five republican prospects, Pawlenty rates somewhere near the 160th on the list. Right after Cholera, and just before Bubonic Plague. Someone must be pissing in this guy's ear with the usual claptrap about how he 'represents a sizable segment of public opinion', or how he speaks to 'conservative values' (having once been a Conservative before that actually lost any meaning whatsoever, I can tell you that it's my considered opinion that 'Conservative' now simply means 'Bible-thumping-gay-hating-redneck-with-a-fifth-grade-education-and-a-Norman-Rockwell-delusional-view-of-America'). Conservative no longer means a believer in the sovereign right of the people and advocacy of individual liberties; it's a tribal affiliation. Sorta like gang colors.

Tim Pawlenty couldn't be elected dog catcher outside of Minnesota, but that doesn't matter; he's ideologically pure.

It's time to get some real conservatives into the fight, and I don't mean the God-fearin' sort that would make the pilgrimage to Bob Jones University; I mean the ones who actually espouse conservative positions that don't find their genesis in Scripture (pardon the pun).

Start with Sarah Palin (who is at least wildly popular, if relatively unprepared), and then include Rudy Guiliani, Condoleeza Rice, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

The last four, despite their obvious talents and proven records, will never get a chance because that Calvinist wing of the republican party will do their level-best to chase them off the stage -- because their social views don't pass Godbot muster, their position on abortion is unknown, one's a Mormon (next to devil worship!), and the other cheated on his wife, despite the fact that he engineered a republican takeover of the Congress and advanced a plethora of true conservative issues. True to form, the republican party seems determined to go down in flames with the likes of a Pawlenty than to do the right thing and establish conservatism before Calvinism, and so they will never get a fair hearing.

The RNC continues to listen to the wrong people who put their religion and their hang-ups before their reason. At this point in history, social issues need to take a back seat to the more crucial requirements of rebuilding the political system and structure, reestablishing the rights of the governed, and fixing the economy.


The Huns are Here...

Okay, something I saw this morning while going out for cigarettes:

Five teenagers, three girls, two boys, hanging at the local train station before school. The language is, predictably, foul, and the girls seem to have the biggest potty mouths of the bunch. The boys are typical; dopey, clumsy and have few redeeming social graces, as is normal for a walking zit of 14-17 years. They are barely more civilized than chimpanzees. All are smoking like chimneys, at least four of them are spitting on the ground.

And then, it happens.

One of the walking zits does something. Don't know what (if I had to guess, he had wandering hands), but there's a girl in his face, yelling, screaming about how she was going to fuckin' kill him, ya fuckin' scumbaaaaag. She's relentless. She's breathing fire in full-out menstrual fury. And then the walking zit does something that I never thought to see in a million years.

He smacks the girl flush in the face. There didn't seem to be any thought in the action at all; he simply raised his hand, and slapped her. He stood there, defiant, even.

I'm starting to walk across the street now, to defend the girl. No matter that this is not my business -- you never, ever put your hands on a girl, and this kid needs a lesson in manners. I'm not intending to hurt him, just let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. But before I can get there....

The Girl hauls off and punches the poor bastard right in the mouth. And not just once, but twice; one right, one left. He fell to the ground, holding his mouth, and came up with a very bloody lip.

Now, normally, I might say "Good for her! The little creep had it coming!", but then I thought
"Holy Shit! What the hell did I just see?".

Apparently, in the new world of the modern teenager, it's not only perfectly okay for young ladies to curse like sailors, smoke and spit, they are now more or less expected to have to defend themselves against all sorts of cads, like the one who thought it was perfectly fine to slap a young woman in the face after playing an unwelcome round of grabass. And the thing of it is, this girl was not just lucky; she was prepared. She could throw a punch that would make Mike Tyson cower in fear. It would not surprise me to discover that she takes karate or kickboxing classes -- when she's not acting like a total skank and hanging out on street corners, cursing and spitting.

I guess that is one of the logical consequences of feminism; at a time when it is widely believed (actually, it's more like feminists continue to insist) that a woman is the same as a man -- except for that peeing standing up thing -- we should not be surprised when a) younger men treat women the same way they would boys their own age, and b) that a younger girl would not only be expected to take a punch --- but to deliver a better one, as well.

I am soooo glad that I don't have any daughters...there'd be a trail of dead teenage boys in their wake.

Too Big To Fail, Too Big To Play Fair...

My old employer, Citigroup, is back in the news today. Another story comes out telling you just what a bunch of malicious pricks our corporate officers are, just in case you'd forgotten the previous days' story.

You can read about the scam perpetrated on the American taxpayer by your government and Citigroup here.

Don't be surprised at how crooked and dishonest these people are. After all, these are the same folks who made a promotional video screaming about how they (Citigroup's Smith-Barney investment unit) were the only financial house to turn a profit on 9/11. It can't get much lower than that.

They can continue to deny that video exists, but I saw it...every day for a week. And I can find you hundreds, if not thousands, of other Citi employees who saw it, too.

The next time Wall Street comes begging for money, folks, tell them to go phuck themselves. These are the slimiest people this side of Congress.

Editorial Note: It's nice to know the Obama Administration is busily lowering corporate taxes so that Citi and WellsFargo and others can 'survive' without paying back the money they were given at the same time they are castigating these people as 'fat cats' on Oprah. If that wasn't bad enough, Congress threatens massive tax increases on the middle class in order to pay for both those bailouts, and this stupid Healthcare legislation -- which we apparently must have, but no one can be bothered to read or explain what's in the bill.

We are saddled with the worst political class in history. They are retarded, they are corrupt, they are a danger to this country and it's citizens. Mid-term elections cannot come soon enough.

Al Gore Knows Dick About Mosquitoes...

It's sad how some people have absolutely no sense of shame. How they are apparently beyond embarrassment to the point where sane people begin to look at them with a combination of pity and disbelief. At what point, after you've been deluged with facts and your arguments have all been shot down one-by-one, does one begin to give up one's delusional fantasies and begin the process of rejoining the rest of us in the real world?

If you're Al Gore, apparently never. Being so demonstrably wrong in Al's world means never having to say you're sorry. Not if there's a billion bucks in it, anyways.

First Al was wrong about Global Warming being a man-made phenomenon. Then he was wrong about Polar Bears drowning. Then he was wrong about Polar Ice Caps Disappearing. Now, he's wrong about mosquitoes and malaria.

But that's okay. He still has his millions of faithful, busily buying commodities which have no real value (so-called carbon credits), from which he derives monstrous profits (amazing how profits are evil to these people when they're made by GM or IBM, but not themselves) with which he maintains his lavishly wasteful lifestyle of carbon-spewing private jets, and energy-wasting mansions that leak electricity like a sieve.

Of course, Al's junk science is provably wrong, but he and his followers simply cover their ears, sing "la-la-la" and go about their business secure in their insular little world. In the meantime, they threaten every decent person's livelihood, and millions of lives with their nonsense.

No, Al never apologizes for being provably wrong, even when he backtracks on the wrong things things he's said just the day before.

In the meantime, his braindead legions take to the streets to riot. Funny, but I thought they were there to promote peace, understanding and co-operation? What's even funnier is that after these riots, the streets are typically littered with tear gas canisters (literally spewing harmful chemicals into the air and ground water!), broken glass (which can be mistaken for food by birds!), millions of pieces of paper from the hastily-tossed fliers and placards (the ones that were handed out before the riot began, telling people of the peaceful nature of the original gathering), broken barriers, destroyed automobiles, a mountain of cigarette butts, plastic water bottles and the various flotsam and jetsam of a mass of humanity, left behind even by those who wear hemp.

Sort of defeats the purpose, but then again, who claimed any of these people were either smart or had a sense of propriety? After all, they worship a man who's wrong every time he opens his fat pie hole, and they'll still throw millions of dollars at him and riot in the streets on his behalf.

I say we sterilize the lot with a rusty farm implement, and save the planet that way.

Senator Schmuck...

As if we didn't already know that one Charles Schumer, Senator from New York was an obnoxious human being, The Politico reports this.

I'm certain that if the flight attendant in question had a television camera, Senator Shit-for-brains would have acted very differently. He likes T.V. cameras, our Senator. He spends more time looking for cameras than he does working, and it's one of the reasons why he'll take on every asinine 'issue' you drop in his lap; so long as there's a chance that Charles Schumer can get his name in the paper, or his mug on your T.V. set, he's on it like white on rice.

Off camera, he's an asshole. I'm certain 90% of Congress is that way, it's only that Chuckie's public mask is easier to see through. Even when he's on his best behavior, you can see the streak of dickhead in him.

I love for just this particular reason. I refer to the good Senator as "Schmuck Schumer", which confuses some people who are not familiar with Yiddish. Here in New York, "schmuck" is part of the everyday vocabulary of most of us. It refers to an extremely stupid person, but UrbanDictionary added this entirely-appropriate definition:

"That portion of one's penis which is cut off during circumcision."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Of Tiger Woods and Dropping Shoes...

Oh Dear, Tiger...The company you do keep!

It's not just bimbos and sluts of all descriptions, but now doctors who have been busted with banned performance enhancers!

It was reported today that Dr. Anthony Galea, a Canadian physician, was arrested at the U.S.-Canada border with a stockpile of a drug called Actovegin (a drug made form calf's blood) and Human Growth Hormone (HGH). The Doctor has also been accused (but it is not clear to me if it has been proven) of providing performance-enhancers to his athlete clients, one of whom was...Tiger Woods.

Considering what we know of your bedroom exploits, it would only be logical to assume that you used performance enhancers there (wink, wink), but on the golf course? Who the hell knows, but it's amazing what happens when someone gets outed; the dam seems to burst, and everything he's ever done, and everyone he's ever associated with, comes back to haunt him.

Frankly, I'm not one of those who gets all incensed about someone violating the supposed-sanctity of golf. It's hardly a sport, it's a stupid game for geeky rich men who believe they have passed beyond such proletarian activities, like bowling or softball, and there's not much of the athletic about it. Just look at John Daly -- if he had the things said about him as are being said about Tiger Woods, would have been kicked off the goddamned tour and convicted in the court of public opinion, already, never to play another round on the PGA again. After all, he's white -- a guy who smokes on the course, weighs 300-plus pounds, and probably never lifts anything heavier than a case of Twinkies and a six pack...on a good day.

So, if Tiger 'cheated' on the course with PED's, big fuckin' deal...19 Majors is not the same as 756 home runs.

That is actually a feat of athletic talent and skill.

And no, I'm not insinuating that Tiger did anything untoward...except fuck every golddigging skank in North America while he had a wife and children at home.

But, you know, you are often judged (fairly or not) by the company you keep. It's becoming apparent what sort of people surrounded Tiger.

Mike Bloomberg: Poster Child for Birth Control...

Who knew New York City had an official condom?

As a native and life-long resident of this city, I heartily agree that New York City should have an official condom. And it should be permanently grafted to every elected official in this state, so that none of them may ever reproduce again.

This state is in dire financial straits, so bad that even a blind democratic governor was able to see it, and to even suggest budget and spending cuts (if Patterson wasn't a political dead duck come next Election Day before this pronouncement...), so how did this ridiculous contest get spared? If I had to guess, the gay members of the City Council probably saved it. AIDS, rumor has it, is making a comeback in the Village. I guess the thought is that if you hang a designer label on it, gays will use it. I rather doubt it.

Anyways, I have a few suggestions about how the condom and it's packaging should look, just to get into the spirit of things. It should have full-color pictures of both Mayor Bloomberg and former-governor Spitzer on one side, and the reverse side should have pictures of Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton on them, all against a black background. In golden lettering around the borders, should be emblazoned "Don't let this happen to you...please use birth control..."

Al Gore: Bullshit Artist...And Other Eco News...

The Man Who Invented the Internet is now reduced to making more things up in order to justify things that someone else made up.

The London Times has this to say about it.

Meanwhile, there's more news from Copenhagen, where thousands of people who hate their fellow human beings are trying to convince world governments to impose the most draconian measures designed to curtail commerce, production and populations in the name of 'saving the Planet'. Unfortunately, none of them ever seems to advocate the logical and obvious solution for all of Mother Gaia's ills, and kills himself, but the rest of us are little more than grubby little carbon-spewing menaces.

A round-up of what the Earth-Firsters are plotting, and much other Climatically-generated nonsense --and reaction to it-- here and here. That's when they aren't 'disappearing' data entirely.

Update: Here's a few things you may wish to know about the proposed "Smart Grid", the futuristic solution the Obama Administration would like to try out, and GE would like to make a killing on.

Of course, this is the real reason the Greenie Meanines favor a smart grid, but they're afraid to tell you for real.

(H/T to Instapundit)

Reason #6,745 Why Your President is an Asshole...

It's just after 11 a.m. here in the East, and The Anointed One is making yet another televised appearance (he shouldn't bother; the pundits have been telling us all the how's and whyfore's of this event for the last two days. It's almost anti-climax when he actually does show up and uses a lot of words to say absolutely nothing). I have turned the idiot box off, as is my wont when the Savior of the Universe appears to lie to me in front of television cameras.

Today's appearance is all about the economy and Energy Conservation and Independence.

That's why the President had to close down an entire Home Depot superstore, bringing all economic activity to a screeching halt for the day of the speech, --at the very least -- while he displays his incredible economic ignorance and lack of ironic sensibilities for the next 40 minutes (the average amount of time his teleprompter can safely spew absolute bullshit before it overheats). That the speech will be staged before 300 high-intensity lights (which use an awful lot of electricity), recorded and broadcast by multiple cameras (which use an awful lot of electricity) --will be completely lost on him.

I'm so glad I didn't vote for this prick, and that so many of you who did now seem so incredibly ashamed of it.

Update: Mark Steyn says it all here.

Such Are The Joys...

This past weekend, I performed a solemn, time-honored duty which has fallen upon uncles since the Beginning of Time.

I was Santa Claus at the annual Christmas Party at my cousin's house.

This is the second year running that I've done it, and I'm actually quite upset that I hadn't been asked to do it earlier. I wanted to do it for many years. I have four nephews -- only one of them is still small enough to believe, now -- and my sister would never take me up on it whenever I offered to wear the Red Suit. So, I missed a great thing, an almost rite-of-passage, with my three, older nephews.

On the other hand, my cousins have several small children of their own, and so do their friends, so there's plenty of kids around for me to indulge (or am I really just indulging myself, I wonder?).

Being Santa is one of those bittersweet sort of activities. The suit is hotter than anything you can imagine. Between the flannel and the fake fur, not to mention the wig, beard and hat, and you're sweating before you really get started. Let's not even get into the make-up, because, well, you need those rosy cheeks and powdered eyebrows otherwise the smarter kids recognize you -- and I had to sacrifice my mustache, too! But, I'd do anything for the kids.

But the payoff is worth it. The kids get excited. They jump up and down and sing songs, and give you great big hugs, and if you're lucky, when they sit in your lap for the photograph, they're smiling from ear-to-ear. And you get to hand out presents, no less! Who doesn't want to hand out presents to children? It's fun to watch the whirlwind of flying griftwrap, the raucous dogfight-like crush of little kids elbowing each other to get to the front of the line, the little kids who look at you like you have three heads -- and then cry their eyes out when they get left in your lap for a picture. The screaming, the yelling, the laughing, the out-and-out joyous chaos.

It's better than booze!

And Speaking of Jobseeking...

Can a process become any more monumentally fucked up?

It used to be a straightforward thing; you needed a job, someone had one to offer, you got together and hammered out the details, if you were qualified. There were firms that facilitated the process, so-called Personnel Agencies, and their Job Placement Specialists, who were plugged in to your industry, and knew who to talk to. They had personal relationships with hiring managers and Human Resources folk, and that went a very long way towards making the whole thing run that much more smoothly.

Nowadays, your so-called Placement Specialist is little more than a just-barely-intelligent-enough-to-remember-to-breathe moron who seemingly does little more than occupy a seat and occasionally answer a telephone. They certainly are not knowledgeable about the industry they're supposedly screening candidates for, and their great asset seems to be the ability to scan a resume for acronyms they remember seeing on the request form they got from the employer. They do not know the differences/similarities between one software package and another, one system and another, and most give the impression that they still wouldn't know if you pumped the data into them via high-pressure, 24-hour-enema.

All of them will tell you the same thing when you call them on their shocking lack of knowledge:

"I'm not required to know that...I only have to make sure that what's on your resume is the same as what the customer is asking for on this form..."

And it seems the majority of that vital task isn't even done by them personally. Instead, the information on your resume is entered into a database, and a computer searches for matches, and then spits you out. So, not only don;t the Placement Specialists know the difference between, say, CA-7 and OPCA (or what they are used for!) -- neither does the computer.

Which brings us to the buzzword. I hate buzzwords. Buzzwords are for people who can't remember a concept in entire sentences. The buzzword for this situation is "networking".

In other words, you'd better be in touch with people in your industry, and not just the hiring managers and Human Resource types, and the Job Placement Specialists, but the people on the floor doing the actual work. Because you have a better chance of landing a job by talking to someone who knows someone else then you do by the tried and traditional means of retaining the services of a Job Placement Specialist.

Which begs the question:

"How do the Job Placement Specialists continue to stay in business?"

Anyways, here's some of the really ridiculously-stupid questions I have been asked in the last week by so-called professionals (and the answers I would have really loved to have give, but had to think twice about):

Q: Would you be willing to relocate?

A: If there's a paycheck, then yes. Why do you think I'm here?

Q: Would you be willing to relocate to Nebraska?

A: If there's a paycheck, then yes. Why do you think I'm here, and besides, didn't I check the box that read "Would you be willing to relocate?" on the form? What kind of a douche are you?

Q: Do you have any hobbies that might make you a more attractive candidate?

A: Am I applying for a job, or a new best friend? I'm absolutely certain that no one will hire me because of my rabid passion for coin collecting, interest in tropical fish or near-religious hockey fanaticism. Why, when I was a boss, I know I certainly spent many a sleepless night concerned about what my worker bees did in their off hours....not! Think we can work around that one, Sparky?

Q: Do you belong to any organizations that might make you a more attractive candidate, or perhaps, make it more difficult to place you?

A:I didn't go to college, so I wasn't in any dopey fraternities, I'm not a Freemason, Knight Templar, member of the Raccoon Lodge, or Mafioso. I was kicked out of the Klan several years ago because I dated an Asian girl (she could cook and liked doing laundry!), and i let my Nazi Party membership expire. I'm not even a registered republican, so I guess that means I can't be on the Board of Directors, huh? And besides, didn't I write "none" on the form? Can't you read, Skippy? Isn't this rather irrelevant?

The Online world is not much better; I have used Monster. com and (I will provide a link for neither, because they're sorta-kinda useless) and a few other online services, and I get offers fairly regularly...from people on the other side of the continent -- which makes interviewing somewhat problematic. Besides, very few of the postings on these services tend to be long-term jobs (in my industry, anyways), and most are short-term contracts -- which are lucrative, but guess what?; since I don't have a degree, I usually don't qualify for them anyways! The computer (there's that damned computer again!) spit my resume into so-and-so's in-box, and they reflexively contacted me.

Even though I could easily do the job they have in mind, they can't get me past HR because of the degree requirement.

*Sigh* Maybe I'll just sell my body...

Please Excuse My Absence...

But, I've had to look for another job these last few days, and there hasn't been much time for writing much of anything.

Yeah, that green energy gig, which appeared so promising at first, has, indeed, failed to live up to expectations. Especially in the paycheck department, so I've quit. It's a pain in the ass to make a sale and then not get paid for it for three months, and that's assuming that the other hurdles in the way of finalizing the sale are overcome relatively smoothly (the customer doesn't avail himself of the customary 'think it over' period and cancel, the original utility company gets off the stick and processes the paperwork relatively quickly, your compensation request doesn't get momentarily lost on it's way through the ,ysterious labyrinth of Canadian management practices, the customer finally gets his first bill).

It's one thing to make a sale that nets you a $1,200 commission (that's good!), it's another altogether to have to wait three months for that money (that's bad!) when you have bills due today.

So, I wish my colleagues the best of luck (many of them were also beginning to get a little peeved about the paycheck situation, too), but I need something that pays on a steadier basis. Besides, I'm not a salesman (I have morals and scruples), and I was starting to hear the sales pitch in my sleep, having repeated it 150 times a day.

The really bad part? I can't collect unemployment, since I was supposed to pay that tax myself (as an independant contractor), which is hard ot do when you don't get a friggin' paycheck for three months at a time!