Douchebag of the Week (1/25/14): Governor Andrew Cuomo

There's an old saying in these parts, that is, on Staten Island, the Forgotten Borough of New York City, that the "apple does not fall far from the tree."

In our crankier and less-forgiving moments, this saying is often modified thusly:

"The turd doesn't fall far from the asshole..."

Oh, how we have been blessed here in New York State! We have had the distinct pleasure (about as pleasurable as having your ass shaved with a cheese grater and then having lemon juice poured on the wound) of living under the enlightened despotism of two Cuomos. First, there was Mario (the Asshole), and now, we suffer under the misguided stupidity that is the regime led by his son, Andrew (The Turd).

The Bureaucracy Strikes Back...

Sometimes, you just have to wonder what the fuck it is that we're getting for our tax dollars.

If you live in the State of New Yorkistan, I would say you're getting jack shit. And when I say this, I should clarify:

1. We are NOT getting a government that works smoothly and efficiently.

2. We ARE getting a government which is apparently run by rhesus monkeys who, on a good day, might be able to find their own asses with both hands and a flashlight..

The long, sordid, and all-too-sickening tale of this Lunatics battle with the mindless bureaucracy of the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles seemed to have the proverbial light at the end of that tunnel. But, alas!, the rhesus monkeys have found a way to annoy me yet again.

If you haven't heard this story before, then I suggest that you read this, this, and this, and then you'll be up to speed with this entire tale of woe.

And then you'll probably want to either laugh or vomit. Probably both.

Lunatic: 1, Bureaucracy: 0

Oh, happy day! It has finally happened! I have finally been able to prove to the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing,  unionized high school dropouts at the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles that I, your humble correspondent, do exist!

I have just received my brand, spankin' new New York State Photo identification card. The one I've been seeking like it was the Holy Fuckin' Grail for five years now. If you're not familiar with my trials and tribulations on this subject, you can read about them here and here.

I'll wait until you're up to speed....

Par For The Course In New Yorkistan...

Shocker: Dem and GOP pols caught in bribery scam to get Dem elected Mayor of New York City on GOP ticket...

Now, what's so shocking is not that a democrat would try to bribe his or her way into office;they do this all the time, as a matter of course. Especially in a place like New York, Chicago, Detroit or Washington, D.C., because the sort of democrat those places seem to breed would never see a democrat elected if he/she had to rely on, oh...their wits, or telling the truth.

This Just In: New York STILL Has the Dumbest Congressional Delegation in America...

Brooklyn democrat claims Slavery persisted in America until the 1890's.

You have to watch the video to believe it (can't embed it for some reason). As someone who was actually raised in Brooklyn, I'm both embarrassed, and totally unsurprised, since the neighborhood went to shit years ago -- just a soon as the Caribbeans began moving in in huge numbers.

Yeah, I said it. 

You know, It has gotten way past the point where one can still have hope for certain segments of American Society. The proof of this is reflected in the people these subsections of the population elect to important posts.

We apparently have one of those segments which has sent someone who is fundamentally confused about  rather significant parts of American History, going on television and announcing her ignorance to the world. I'd go as far as to wager that not only is this Congresswoman totally unaware of her ignorance, but that even after it had been pointed out to her, she'd still wear and embrace it like some sort of special commendation, because it is better to feign grace under pressure than to actually admit that you have brain damage..

After all, her job as a Congresscritter is not to have any specific knowledge, of anything, or to display some sort of basic competency; it's to find a way to keep the Welfare taps open for her 'constituents' (i.e. the professional beggar class), who are probably even dumber (and unconcerned about real issues) than she is.

The Government and Your Storm Door...

One of the loudest battle cries of the modern Republican is Get The Government Out of People's Lives. The logic behind this motto is that over several decades -- some would say as far back as the Woodrow Wilson administration, but in any case, at least as far back as FDR's tenure -- that government has taken it upon itself to "do things" that government, strictly speaking, has no Constitutional Right to do.

Typically, this slogan is applied to specific areas of American Life,  like the Social Welfare patchwork, the regulation of commerce and Environmental regulations, that are often onerous, nonsensical, contradictory, and sometimes just plain dumb. I happen to agree with much of this sentiment, but for the purposes of this screed, it will not be necessary to talk about the Cradle-to-grave aspirations of some sectors of Government at all levels. That's for another conversation.

What we're talking about  today is the questionable level of government interference in something as simple a putting a new goddamned storm door on your house.

The Metamorphosis, Part Two...

RE: My seemingly doomed quest to get myself a New York State-issued photo identification card.


I left this tale, oh gentle reader, in that most precarious of states; at a point where I had planned to pin my seemingly ever-fleeting hopes to the possibility that it would be possible to use the bureaucracy in order to fight the bureaucracy.

Here's what has transpired since.

The Metamorphosis...

It has been years since I read Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis, but damned if I don't feel as if I'm living it, these days.

If you've never read this classic tale of bureaucratic stupidity and the dehumanizing oppression often exerted by governments, I'll give you the going-from-memory-nutshell version:

The main character is continuously being told by members of the bureaucracy that he is guilty...they just never get around to telling him what he's guilty of, mostly because no one is quite sure, but the paperwork all seems to be in order.

Eventually our hero is stripped of his humanity, becoming smaller and smaller after each encounter with the mindless bureaucracy until he literally transforms into a cockroach.

I was reminded of the overriding theme of Kafka's masterpiece yesterday, when, for something like the fourth time in the last three years, I found myself standing in line at the NY State Department of Motor Vehicles in yet another futile attempt to prove that, yes, I do fucking exist, you Assholes!

But..It's for the Children...

Rochester, NY 13-year-old retaliated against by teachers, administrators, forced to go to another school, after writing essay critical of her so-called Educational Experience.

This is what happens when you unionize baboons, overpay them, and then give them tenure.

Politically Obligatory Stupidity...

I'm about to say something that I've said a million times before, but it bears repeating; your government, at all levels, is full of mouth-breathing doofuses, and it's our fault that these people are somewhat-gainfully employed at taxpayer expense.

I'm A State Assemblyman...and An Idiot, Part II...

New York State Assembly announces legislation to formally name a State Vegetable.

Personally, I'd cast my vote for "Charles Schumer".

You'd think these people would have had better things to do with our time and money (like figuring out how to save both?) ,and apparently, you'd be dead wrong. I guess there's no pressing needs up in Albany that might require the attention of our part-time-but-paid-full-time Assembly. Not like there's a $9 billion budget deficit to deal with. Not like our Schools aren't filled with mouth-breathing dunces, both students (inmates) and teachers. Not like business is fleeing the State. Not like we spend more on Welfare programs than we do roads, bridges, and infrastructure projects that might cause one to wonder whether government's priorities are in accord with reality.

Nope. None of that is actually happening, you see. That's all just an invention of FoxNews and Rush Limbaugh. Our state government has more important issues to tackle, like whether we like onions or corn better (and the answer to that question probably depends on which lobby paid more for this dubious distinction).

Last week, it was an Official Scent, this week, an Official Vegetable.

I wonder sometimes whether this planet isn't simply the loony bin for some extraterrestrial race, and this State the Rubber Room.

I'm a State Assemblyman...and an Idiot...

Pine to be named Official Scent of New York?

I am officially beyond embarrassed now. If it wasn't bad enough to have to live in a state with the worst Congressional representation in all of America, it's especially mortifying to discover that your State and Local officials are, to be polite about it, dumber than dogshit, and wasting the public's time and money sponsoring ridiculous legislation which will have absolutely no impact upon people's lives, and which, somehow, someway, some future legislator will build and embellish upon, until it becomes a monstrosity that eats up tax dollars and destroys liberties.

Don't think I'm just engaging in unhinged hyperbole, either. This is New York, and even a 'Official Scent' law is probably intended to be used as a weapon against the people by our political overlords at some later date. Don't be surprised if five years from now Lemon-scented car air fresheners are outlawed, or anything-Lavender has a heavy tax placed upon it, because Pine is supposed to be the 'Official Scent', mostly because the Pine Scent Industry (is there one?) paid for the Law as a means of eliminating its competition.

Yes, our politicians ARE that stupid and malicious. And greedy.

I didn't vote for Assemblyman Titone -- because he's a democrat, which likely makes him a liar and a thief, and a dope as well, in my book -- but along with Congressman Weiner, he's probably one of the more aptly named politicians in America, today. I most certainly will never consider voting for him in future elections, especially if there were a more-qualified Irish Setter or brain-damaged Parakeet running against him, either of whom would probably be an infinitely better choice. Either would also have a much better work ethic and display far greater intelligence.

UPDATE: Naturally, a stupid legislative idea has spawned a Facebook page.

Why Was it That Unions Were Supposed to be a Good Thing, Again?

New York State spends ten times the national average on Public Sector pensions than any other state in America, and the Union 'Workers' themselves contribute less than half the National Average to them.

Even more shocking than this figure is that the New York Times actually reported it.

Go figure.

By the way, since I'm on about the unions again today, Dear NFL Player's Association:

The Average Salary of an NFL player in 2009 (according to various sources) was about $1.8 million dollars per year. If you are a millionaire, you don't need a union -- you need a financial planner.

You get paid to play a game that most men play for free in their spare time. You get free medical care from your teams, fame, endorsement deals, and your choice of hot chicks (gold diggers, yes, but who says you have to get emotionally attached?). And you only 'work' half the year (various training camps and the NFL season).

Yes, I know; those contracts aren't guaranteed, but then again, that's the reality that the majority of people in this country face; employment is very often "at will", and the only difference between us working slobs and you is that a good number of you get a portion of that long-term contract money up front. It doesn't hurt as much when you've signed a four-year $10 million contract with a $500,000 signing bonus, and $3 million up front, and then get cut. I'd give a testicle for a contract like that.

So would most people in America. You have some nerve threatening a strike.

As for the NFL owners: it's a $10 billion dollar NFL pie, surely you can figure out a way to divide it well enough to keep everyone happy. Then again, you're the people who charge season ticket-buyers a 'license' fee for the right to buy tickets -- before raping them for said tickets.

Both sides in this manufactured dispute make me sick.

The Best Idea I've Heard All Year!

Fuck unions. It's time the Labor Union (a contradiction in terms, most of the time) goes the way of the Nehru Jacket, and Teddy Kennedy.

Time to make Public Employee Unions Illegal.

City streets go unplowed, but Sanitation Workers retire quite well.

Update: Queens Baby Left Braindead Because of Unplowed Streets. (Via JammieWearingFool).

Whoops! I Made a Mistake...

Yesterday, I made an entry on NY Congressional Candidate Reshma Saujani, where I identified her opponent, Carolyn Maloney, as the widow of a man murdered in the Long Island Railroad Massacre. That was an error: that particular sympathy queen is Carolyn McCarthy. I should have double-checked this and verified it before posting.

I've mixed the two up -- understandable, as New York democrats are interchangeable parts who all mouth the same platitudes - and a few readers have corrected me on this point.

I apologize for this mistake -- it shouldn't have happened -- and I will now put it to rights.

While Carolyn McCarthy is singularly unsuited to hold a Congressional seat on any basis beyond sympathy, Carolyn Maloney can't even boast of that questionable "qualification"; her (extremely wealthy, self-made-man) husband, after all, died indulging his passion for mountain climbing in Tibet. She was so hot to get into politics that her first office was as a City Council member representing Spanish Harlem. Just how it is that a wealthy southern lady from North Carolina living on the luxurious Upper East Side managed to convince poor Hispanics and Blacks that she was the one for them is one of those unanswerable questions of New York City politics. She later parlayed that council gig into a Congressional seat, where's she's done nothing except complain about having tits ever since.

She's especially (in-)famous for this stunning quotation about Kirsten Gillbrand, the hand-picked dunce that replaced Hillary Clinton as U.S. Senator:

I got a call from someone from Puerto Rico, [who] said Gillibrand went to Puerto Rico and came out for English Only (education). And he said, 'it was like saying nigger to a Puerto Rican'.

The excuse for this that she gave was that she was just repeating someone else's words, but many never believed her, and it torpedoed her bid to run against Gillibrand for that Senate seat.

Again, I apologize for mixing up my Libtards; it was a sloppy mistake.

I Don't Care if She's a Democrat...

...I'd vote for her just because the rest of the NY Congressional delegation is so damned unattractive! We have the ugliest Congressional delegation in the country here in the New York, and it's a national disgrace!

This stunning lady is Reshma Saujani, and she's about to square off with Carolyn Maloney (Useless Mouth-New York) who turned her husband's murder on the Long Island Railroad into a congressional seat many years ago, and has done nothing else since...except help promote the disintegration of America by voting liberal-line on everything possible.

She's apparently caused a bit of a kerfuffle in democratic political circles by suggesting that she's not exactly an orthodox democratic footsoldier.

Now, if the fact that there's a smart AND attractive democrat female running for Congress in a state that's dominated by the likes of Louise Slaughter, Charlie Rangel, Anthony Weiner and Chuckie Schumer, wasn't enough to make you think about crossing party lines, she's should get the nod just for this:

But if she loses her Sept. 14 primary with incumbent Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-Manhattan-Queens), Saujani said she might just stay home and not vote at all.

"I'm a Democrat, I'm a passionate Democrat, [but] I don't know. I'm going to be honest with you ... I might not vote."

Unfortunately, it was the wrong thing to say, if only because the democratic machine in New York quickly attacked her for having the temerity to suggest that she might break ranks and not support her opponent, if Maloney wins. Quoth some democratic party apparatchik pretending to be a college professor:

"If she plans as running as a Democrat again, it would behoove her to think about expressing support for Democrats," said David Birdsell, a Baruch College political scientist.

And of course, the retraction came right away:

A damage-controlling Saujani spokesman backpedaled via an emailed statement that said simply, "Reshma will vote a straight Democratic ticket on November 2nd no matter the outcome of the primary.

Still, if Miss Saujani wants to come over to "The Dark Side", we republicans would never treat her in such shoddy fashion. Democrats are such bullies. The fact that the democratic party so quickly jumped on someone they usually claim is one of their own (woman, person of color) in order to enforce ideological orthodoxy, though, is extremely telling and let's you know just what their priorities truly are. They aren't interested in finding the best-qualified individuals for those congressional seats, just the most politically-reliable.

Then again, perhaps the fact that they came out so strongly and attacked Miss Saujani over her initial stance is a harbinger of things to come: New York democrats are terrified of losing so many races that they can't afford to lose a solitary vote, not just to gain victory, but in the vain hope that they can perhaps make some of these races look closer than they might otherwise be.
I expect to see at least one repeat of Florida 2000 in New York this November.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might take the rest of the week off to drool...

UPDATE: I have made an error in identifying Ms. Saujani's opponent. I have mixed up Carloyn McCarthy and Carolyn Maloney. A correction can be found here.

Dear New York State Pols...

The Voters Speak, and they say "YOU SUCK!"

Three comments on this poll:

a) It's sad that only 47% found it necessary to hand out an 'F'. That means the other 53% is probably feeding on the public tit one way or another, or is perhaps too stupid to avoid sticking their private parts in a wall outlet without a great big expensive government program to prevent it.

b) People are not so much mad at a 3-months-late state budget (late budgets are like piles of dogshit around here -- it's everywhere, and sometimes despite your best efforts, you can't avoid them). What they ARE mad at is that the assholes in Albany don't even seem to notice, or care, that the state is broke, and don't seem very interested in addressing or properly reacting to that sad fact of life. They seem determined to maintain the current level of unsustainable spending and increasing taxes to cover the costs. In some less-civilized places, this sort of thinking might get you shot. In New York State, and on Wall Street, it rates you a chauffeur-driven limo.

c) I'm absolutely shocked that Gov. Paterson only got an 'F' from 25% of those polled. That's a stunning number, and if I were Paterson, I could almost spin this into something bordering on a major accomplishment. This just goes to prove that in New York State, the blind (literally) do lead the blind. Of course, Paterson will never be re-elected and the Republican party can only manage Designated Loser Rick Lazio to put up against Andrew Cuomo, so we're about to get the Venal and Stupid to lead the blind, which in our sorry state, is almost a 1,000% improvement.

In other New York State Political News, we read of the achievement of Kirsten Gillibrand, who somehow managed to raise $2 million for her campaign for the Senate. The same article goes on to explain that Gillibrand has $7.2 million on hand to run for the Senate Seat she currently holds, and never once does this article attempt to explain to it's good readers just how it is that such a total dumbass, political hack, who's job description reads "Chuck Schumer's Yes Girl", has managed to raise that sort of money without once mentioning "kneepads" and "KY Jelly".

This is approximately three times what the richest of her potential Republican opponents has on hand, and that guy is facing a three-way primary fight for the GOP nod.

If you ever needed any more proof that the politics of this state, no the politics of the Entire Nation, are a cesspool of corruption, then this is it. Non-entity Kirsten Gillbrand has $7 million dollars to buy votes with, but not a single Senatorial accomplishment to her name. She was selected to be a place-holder for Hillary Clinton when the Crusty Ol' Black Pantsuit became Secretary of State, and in that short period of time Gillibrand has apparently learned the art of separating democratic-party advocacy groups from their cash, and accomplished very little else.

The only hope is that the decent people of New York come out in droves and throw the douchebags in the Legislature out of Office, and put up enough votes to override the Permanent Underclass' tally and so protect us from the Cuomos and Gillibrands of this world. I don't hold out much hope.

Dear New York State Legislature: Don't You Feel Stupid Now?

When you tax a commodity to the sky, don't be surprised when the trade in that commodity goes elsewhere, and you lose the tax revenue you had hoped to get. Let this be a lesson to you in basic economics. Vermont, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and other states will now benefit and collect their much-lower, and more-reasonable cigarette taxes, as New Yorkers looking to save a buck on smokes start looking out of state to buy them. Organized crime is probably already on this like flies on shit, and making a fortune -- none of which you will ever see.

Also, don't be surprised when price gouging occurs because no one is paying attention, or because pricing rules are contradictory or misunderstood: in my neighborhood, a pack of Marlboro Lights is now selling from anywhere between $11.50 and $14.00, depending which store you go into.

You do realize I could buy three six-packs of barely-drinkable-piss-water for that, get behind the wheel and kill more people in 30 seconds than my second-hand smoke has in the last 27 years?

Bunch of assholes in Albany. You should all be shot, and as an added bonus, we can fix it so that your final cigarette before the firing squad will have been purchased in Vermont.

It's Official: Tobacco Now More Expensive Than Crack...

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Official: Pot Now Cheaper Than Tobacco...

Only in New York will a pack of smokes set you back a whopping $12.00!

I've said for the longest time that the reason behind the increasing taxes on cigarettes was to make every New Yorker want to turn to drugs so that our elected douchebags can continue to pick our pockets, only by then none of us will notice.

It's the same song every year: the cost of healthcare is breaking the bank. The State needs more money, or the hospitals will all close, and we'll all die of ingrown hemorrhoids or something. Smokers, because they engage in a habit that leads to serious health problems that tends to require expensive courses of treatments, should be expected to shoulder this burden, because it's because of THEM that the State has to spend these outrageous sums.

Umm, no.

The reasons why New York State has to devote so much money to pay for healthcare, are;

a) it's paying for the care for those who don't pay for it themselves, like the welfare queens, illegal immigrants, the"poor" (who all seem to have Bluetooth and Patent-leather Air Jordans, while I don't; "The Poor are the Rich That Jesus Warned You About" -- Kathy Shaidle),

b) is paying for the care of people who engage in even riskier behavior, which require even more expensive treatments, but who are also politically-protected (or cossetted) classes, especially AIDS victims, blacks, IV Drug users, and crack addicts,

c) The asswipes in Albany have never heard, apparently, of an effective cost-containment strategy known as "tightening one's belt" or "economizing", or even -- dare I say it? -- privatization,

d) The State government continues to mandate payments for conditions and procedures that have nothing to do with people's basic healthcare needs (like...ahem..."Family Planning", sex-change procedures, needle exchange programs).

e) The State mandates that insurance companies also pay for these non-basic healthcare requirements, and then add a laundry list of even more ridiculous procedures and treatments (like penile implants and vasectomies),

f) The State allows illegal immigrants to use our emergency rooms for every need from a case of the sniffles to multiple gunshot wounds without even making an attempt to 1) collect a dime from these people, and 2) deport their fucking asses after they've been treated,

g) The Fed'ral Gubmint mandates coverages and treatments, and then leaves the responsibility of paying for them to the States,

h) We have a bunch of pig-ignorant political ticket-punchers in both Albany and Washington, D.C.. For some of them, ticket-puncher might actually describe more work than they actually do,

i) The healthcare unions in this state goon strike every fifteen minutes, until the guy who wheels you to-and-from the hospital door gets paid six-figures and has nine weeks of paid vacation, can retire at 59-1/2 with a fat pension, and can't get fired short of committing multiple child rape, and the dismemberment-murder of a miniature poodle in front of 12 witnesses and a video camera,

j) The Lawyers treat the medical malpractice system like a personal feeding trough where it's somehow a doctor's fault if your child was born with Cerebral Palsy, harelip or Forked tongue, prehensile tail and other GENETIC defects, and you can sue his ass into another galaxy for it.

k) Medical science is making it possible for people to live longer (or is it really just linger longer?) with health issues that once would have killed them off relatively young. Many of these people are elderly, and rely heavily on city health services to supplement what State and Federal Medicare won't cover or provide.

Okay, I can see the point of encouraging people not to smoke by making it prohibitively expensive. But then what happens when enough smokers actually quit because of the high price? Why, then the expected tax revenue which justified the tax increase in the first place just might dry up faster than Hillary Clinton's teat at a Sahara Desert Shamwow convention! And then, of course, the "solution" will be to raise cig taxes again, naturally! The concept that smokers tend to die younger (thus consuming fewer healthcare resources!) is never even seriously entertained. Cutting the fat from the system is a laughable suggestion. Saying "No" to the unions, the lawyers, the deadbeats and the druggies gets you a queer look, as if you've just landed from Mars and have asked for a Sarsaparilla and a blowjob.

Soon, some clueless douchebag of a City Councilman will wonder where the hell the smokers all went, while lamenting the closure of yet another city-run hospital, the predictable result of the very policies he's advocated for years! New York politicians are dumber and denser -- and less in-touch with reality --than the national norm, you know.

But then again, this is New York City/State, and if someone suggested to the Mayor, Governor and Assembly Speaker there was a buck to be made by recycling the undigested corn in your stool, they'd find a way to tax you per cob. Those Regal personages can't be expected to engage in common-sense solutions to these problems -- or even make tough decisions on them -- because they're too busy addressing the really vital issues of the day: making sure you don't get too much sugar in your doughnut, too much salt in your street meat -- or have too much cash in your wallet.

Or something similarly Earth-shatteringly important, like this.

I say that instead of lighting up a Marlboro, perhaps it's high time to light up the statehouse in Albany, and Gracie Mansion. Of course, even saying that here facetiously will probably earn me a visit from the NYPD. Judging from the whopping 1-hour-and-16-minutes it took them to respond to a a two-car accident in front of my house two days ago --- when the Precinct House is but a mere 11blocks away -- I can probably expect the SWAT team to arrive on-or-about Columbus Day.

I expect that within a month's time, we'll be hearing that the "Loosey" will become the new underground currency of choice-- replacing the overinflated, Chinese-financed, ObamaDollar Monopoly money we use now -- and enterprising drug dealers will soon be dealing in Lucky Strikes instead of heroin because of the higher profit margin.

Dipshits, all.