Fibromyalgia is Bullshit...

Yesterday's July 4th celebrations saw your intrepid blogger trapped in a party he didn't wish to attend with a guest list that included six -- that's one more than five, one less than seven -- gay men, all more-or-less in a "committed relationship", which to judge from the openly frank exchange of sexual innuendo would seem to indicate that "committed" means something to gay men that it doesn't mean to the rest of us.

But that is not the point of this little screed, so I shall leave the unsavory details for another post later today.

Anyways, apparently all the rage in Gay Circles these days is to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

F*ck Feelings...

A new blog (in the sense that I'd never heard of it before), is F*ck Feelings.

Thanks to Conservative in The Closet for turning me on to this. It's not only a laugh riot, but it leads me to believe that if only more so-called Mental Health Professionals were as blunt, direct and honest with their patients, there'd be less mental health issues, and we could take 500 or so ersatz despression "cures" -- the ones that will only merely delay,or perhaps even expedite your eventual suicide -- off the market. It might even reduce healthcare costs.

I'm adding F*ck Feelings to the blogroll.

And speaking of C-in-C, you really should stop by her site, too. Because she's fucking brilliant!

Yet More Bad Medicine...

I watch entirely too much television, but then again, I have far too much free time on my hands.

One of the things I find most entertaining about television these days are the wall-to-wall advertisements for prescription drugs and over-the-counter supplements that take up about one-quarter of the broadcasting day. What I find entertaining about them is that they usually follow a familiar format:

Scene: Two splendidly-preserved Baby Boomers are enjoying their ideal active retirement. They seem to be enjoying themselves more than people who don't snort cocaine regularly do in real life. Then, the Voice Over Lady chimes in, and begins to tell us all about the devastating malady (usually on the order of hangnail, vaginal/scrotal dryness, smelly feet, wrinkles or Old Lady Mothball Smell) that keeps one of those Boomers from achieving her (it's usually a Her) dream of conquering Everest, learning the cello, or fucking like a mink.

Only, the medical complaint Voiceover Lady is yacking about is usually not all that big a deal. In days past, people suffering from this minor malady simply "sucked it up", or chalked their discomfort up to "getting older". But Baby Boomers think they should be able to live forever, free of complaint, and at someone else's expense, and with their sexual potency intact (see: Medicare, ObamaCare).

Anyways, the commercial very quickly degenerates from Hippie Bob and Mary's slight physical impairment (usually only 10 seconds on the disease in question), and becomes a laundry list of warnings, listing of side effects, and godawful effects of the drug in question, that you begin to wonder just why anyone in his right fucking mind would take this dangerous-sounding pill. And then you laugh.

Unless you're me -- and then you do a little research to ensure that's what being sold as the fountain of youth and the cure to all that ails you, is all that. I've done a bunch of these, and you can read them by simply hitting the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of the post.

This time, we're looking at a bullshit arthritis "cure", yet another statin drug, a couple of over-the-counter "remedies" for your stomach, and a drug that deals with pain you only imagine you feel. So, here you go:

1. Arthri-D - Glucosamine and "Key Plant Extracts" (including frankincense -- if it was good enough for Jesus...) many herbal fillers, and Vitamin D3. It claims to "enhance your diet...and your life!", and is sold as the answer to your creaking, arthritic joints. It's a nutritional supplement of dubious value, and has not been tested in regards to ANY malady, whatsoever.

It's selling point seems to be that if you take this, your arthritis will be magically cured, although they take great pains not to guarantee that claim, in extremely small print, on the website. Oh, and the other selling point is that Arthri-D3 is made right here in the good 'ol USA in a "superior manufacturing facility that adheres to the highest quality standards".

Okay, so I guess that makes it the highest-quality crap you can waste your money on. Don't take it if you're allergic to seafood, as you will probably explode like a Palestinian on a public bus.Otherwise, the company that makes Arthri-D3 is being investigated by the FTC, and has a chief executive who has had to -- allegedly -- change his name at least once. You can't even find out how much this stuff costs unless you call the 24-hour hotline to order it. You can see the "infomercial" (running on heavy rotation on Fox Business channel on weekends) at the Arthri-D website.

2. Crestor - an oldie-but-goodie, Crestor is once again being heavily flogged on television, which kinda sucks, except for the Patrick Stewart voiceover.

This is another statin drug which is supposed to help you regulate your cholesterol levels. I've taken statin drugs in the past, and I'm convinced that they work by simply giving you the kind of explosive diarrhea one normally associates with Mexico, ensuring that nothing you eat has time to actually stick around long enough to put any extra cholesterol into your system. After that, all statins do something strange to your liver (which produces 70% of all your cholesterol all by itself), that requires monthly blood tests and physician visits, which get annoying and frequent enough for you to believe that having the heart attack you're trying to avoid just might be a better and cheaper option, after all.

If you take Crestor you can look forward to the following side-effects besides the crippling, dehydrating diarrhea that will ruin your life by making it impossible for you to be any more than a quick sprint from a toilet at any time: persistent headaches, abdominal pain, weakness, persistent nausea, elevated blood sugar levels (so that you can trade high cholesterol for diabetes!), myalgia (muscle pains), asthenia, myopathy, rhabdomyalisys (breakdown of skeletal muscle), myglobinaria (too much myoglobin in your kidneys, leading to renal failure), and a host of unspecified skeletal/muscle-related issues.

See the website for details. Crestor will set you back about $150.00 for a month's supply of 20mg pills. If you take 40mg dosages, you can expect to pay nearly $200.00, and have all of the side-effects listed above at about twice-the-intensity.

3. Digestive Advantage - this is an over-the-counter product being sold as a treatment option for those with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), although it bills itself as a "Medical Food Product" on it's website, whatever that means.

Actually, all it is is something like Milk of Magnesia with some "All Natural" additives -- and a higher price. The gist behind this "Medical Food" is that most treatments for IBS don't work because the active ingredients never make it into your intestines -- where all the good stuff happens. Those other medications are all used up or mostly wasted after they enter your stomach, destroyed by contact with stomach acids, and so that you get no relief from your painful, bloody pooping and uber-menstrual-like cramps. Digestive Advantage basically puts Milk of Magnesia into a super, bullet-proof capsule that won't break down as quickly in your stomach acids, and so it is hoped, allow a little more medicine to be delivered to your lower intestine, where all that nasty IBS shit (no pun intended) happens.

The two biggest risk factors for IBS are diet and emotional state, although there are some for whom this is not always the case. Instead of taking medicines and "Medical Food Products" most people who suffer from IBS would probably benefit more from a change in diet and learning how to chill out. But then you wouldn't have the opportunity to pay for this Crap that Helps You Crap, would you?

As a society, we're now more focused on our bowels than we ever have been before, which I guess is better than our previous pre-occupation with our genitals, and we're now seeing all sorts of medications, "Medical Food Products" and contrivances hitting the market which are ensuring that your digestive system and poop chute run like the finest Swiss Watch. The Baby-Boomer generation that was once obsessed with the Erection is now Obsessed with it's Feces, just as Freud predicted, and the American pharmaceutical industry is working feverishly to meet the demand!

Who says Capitalism is dead?

The only major side effect seems to be a dramatic increase in flatulence, which might get you tagged as a threat to Mother Gaia by any committed Tree Hugger, and an occasional oily spotting in your undies. These might cause you severe embarrassment in public settings, but it's better than bloody, painful turds and torn, irritated hemorrhoids, isn't it?

You'll be happy to know that the makers of Digestive Advantage also make Gas, Daily Constipation and Lactose "Defense" formulas. Oh, joy! An entire product line devoted to your tushy!

4. Gas-X Protection- a lovely little over-the-counter supplement that will help defend you against the embarrassing and uncomfortable effects of excessive stomach gas, "with unbeatable speed". The selling point here is the terrible embarrassment that people with severe gas will often suffer; as the website advertisement is simply loaded with overwrought references to the public approbation, social isolation, and mental consequences of excessive flatulence. According to the website, your flatulence can "consume your mind, distracting you from what you are doing -- making you feel helpless". Frankly, I've never heard of anyone being so consumed by the fear of farting that they develop social anxiety disorders or ADD, so I'm a bit leary of that claim.

In fact, if you're a perpetual adolescent -- like me -- you find flatulence incredibly funny, and you love to share it. There's no joke yet devised by man that provides as much laughter as a good butt whistle, so far as I'm concerned. Why, the flatus is perhaps mankind's greatest invention: you can share it with your friends for free, it always makes someone in the room laugh, and even the deaf can join in the fun! Be that as it may, however, there are some people, for whom this is not true.

Killjoys!

Thankfully, for all of us Overgrown Children in love with the Fart, all that fun-killing, gas-stopping tomfoolery comes at a cost: you can expect massive cramps whenever you use Gas-X Prevention. Something on the order of birth-contraction-type pain, I'm led to understand. If that wasn't enough of a reason to avoid this stuff, you can also anticipate all the time you'll have to sit around and think of newer and more descriptive adjectives to put in front of the word "diarrhea" -- which is what you'll get with every dose. That's if you can manage to avoid the following: rash, hives, itching, difficult breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face or tongue. All this gas-free happiness for about $40 a box.

It's almost better to just let one rip in the elevator every once in while and just deal with the embarrassment.

5. Lyrica - This is a drug prescribed for people with varying sorts of nerve pain, usually related to diabetes and shingles, but just as often for pain resulting from fybromyalgia, which I gather is a fancy term for "pain which your doctor cannot explain by scientific means". I've known two people with fybromyalgia, both resulting from injuries suffered during automobile accidents, and I'm convinced that their "pain" is no pain at all, but rather a dependence on the opiates they were given to relieve the real discomfort of their long-ago-healed injuries. They feel phantom pains which justifies the continued prescriptions for painkillers. One woman I know required methadone treatments to wean her off the vast array of painkillers she was given. Lyrica is also given to epileptics to prevent seizures.

Side effects of Lyrica include: swelling of the face, lips, gums, mouth, throat, neck and tongue, trouble breathing or swallowing, rashes, hives and blisters of an unspecified sort. You might also experience dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, muscle pain (hey, I thought this was supposed to make pain disappear?), blurry vision, swelling of the hands and feet, and what the website describes as "feeling high", and of course, quite persistent diarrhea. Everything about modern medicine, it seems, now causes diarrhea. People who take Lyrica to control epileptic seizures can also look forward to mood swings, an increase in suicidal thoughts, and amazingly for a medicine that is thought to control them, an increased frequency of seizures(so why take it all, if you're an epileptic?).

Lyrica will set you back about $200.00 for a month's supply. You could almost afford the drug treatment program to wean you off the over-prescribed opiates you were given for your whiplash for that kind of money.

I'm currently investigating another 10 or 11 of these drugs, over-the-counter medicines and other dopey shit that are being advertised heavily these days. I'll be posting about them real soon, promise!

Just Because it's Natural...

...it's not necessarily safe.

Federal government to examine the supposed health claims of Herbal Supplements.

It's about time, too.

But don't get all excited, like it's some great leap forward for Public Safety; the real reason for this concentrated study is probably to discover whether the claims made by the purveyors of herbal "remedies"are true or not -- in order to regulate and tax these products under the auspices of ObamaCare. Once you have established that ragweed cures shingles, or proven the power of acorns as sexual potency aid, it now becomes possible to classify it as a medicine.

Once something is a medicine, it's use and distribution falls under government regulation. Recently, I've been seeing more and more television adveterising for "Natural" remedies and suppliments, probably as more and more people become unable to afford prescription drugs, or doctors, and seek cheaper and hopefully-just-as-effective treatment options.

The Libtards who push nationalized health care cannot allow people to partake of this treatment option, because if these things really do work, there's really no need to depend upon the government for your healthcare, is there? So, it's better, from the Libtard point-of-view, to ensure that as many homeopathic and natural remedies and suppliments as possible can be classified as medicine, and thus taxed and regulated (and even withheld, if that can be contrived), than it is to let the Retards (i.e. the general population) exercise their judgement and make their own decisions about their own health.

Because the Libtard always thinks she (it's usually a She) knows best what's good for you,and because the government has the right to own your body...unless you want an abortion, of course.

Even More Bad Medcine...

As you know, I watch a lot of television, and one of the things that I hate about TV nowadays are the constant advertisements for all sort of drugs to treat a barrage of complaints and medical problems that somehow warrented billions in R&D and commercials to treat, but which in days past people simply tolerated. I am especially disturbed by the commercials where the voice-over lady spends half the commercial reciting the list of side-effects that come with taking this Godsend Pill (some of these side effects which will make you wonder about the current state of science, and the masochists who are apparently employed in it' service). I find those commercials to be a) funny, and b) disturbing, and then I get curious and do some research on these things, just to see what sort of a desperate asshole you'd have to be to even consider taking some of these drugs.

You can read everything in this series by clicking on the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of the page.

Recently, there has been an increase in the number of "holistic" or"natural" cures for everything from bad breath to brain tumors on screen, although the usual big-ticket prostate or osteoporosis drug still makes an appearance. The big selling point for these patent medicines is that they do not require a doctor's prescription. I think the increase in the ads for non-traditional and non-prescription stuff is a direct response to ObamaCare; people are looking for options that don't involve dealing with doctors and insurance companies. That may not be smart, but it is kind of easy to fall into the "It's all natural and has no side-effects" trap, and take something you think is helpful and harmless but which might not be either.

This week, my television poured forth a shitload of drivel about New Age Medicine, Psychology-and-drug-based weight-loss disguised as a diet plan, and weight-loss "secrets" that makes me despair of Mankind ever returning to any worthwhile endeavor. Without further ado, I give you:

1. Alli -an over-the-counter weight-loss aid. It's selling point is that Alli is "FDA-approved". Then again, the FDA has also approved drugs that have killed and caused birth defects, so why this should mean much of anything is beyond me.

Alli claims to be able to help you "break the cycle of emotional eating" where people use food as a drug to assuage what is basically a range of psychological problems. We're all familiar with the term "comfort food", a concept which recently has been under attack in many culinary and nutritional circles as bad juju, because these foods are often rich in sugar, saturated fats, "bad" carbs, salt and high-calorie. Modern psychological theory about many people's eating habits (and the stigma of gross obesity) pretty much begins with the view that we're all mentally-damaged goods (the better to sell you Zoloft), and that these innate mental illnesses cause us to eat the whole fucking pint of Chunky Monkey instead of stopping at a reasonable, human portion.

If you take Alli -- and follow the complimentary diet plan -- you'll supposedly lose 50% more weight -- and your psychological baggage will melt away with the pounds, too! -- than would be the case by simple dieting and exercise alone. Alli will -- it's never explained how -- put you in a "happier state of mind" that will help you to stop binging on Devil Dogs and Oreos, you Fat, Mentally-Deficient Bastard. How does Alli achieve this remarkable feat? Well, the Alli website doesn't actually say HOW the stuff works -- it only says that it'll block some of the fats you ingest from entering your system. Many statin drugs do this too, by making certain that anything you eat doesn't actually stick around long enough to affect your waistline. What Alli really seems to be selling is an online eating re-education program along with a super-laxative that'll make you shit like a shark; it makes claims and assumptions about your mental state that it doesn't even bother to back up on it's own website, and that most "mental health professionals" wouldn't attempt without at least two office visits.

According to this article, Alli really works by embarrassing the hell out of you whenever you stray from the plan. So, now you can go from solving the problems of emotional eating to a fear of shitting yourself in public as a weight-loss program. Under different circumstances, this sort of thing might see someone convicted of deliberately inflicting gross psychological harm upon another. Fifty dollars a month will also buy you severe vitamin deficiencies, and the dreaded problem of "oily spotting" in your undies. This video was quite informative about the side effects. Alli then has the nerve,incidentally, to call this all "a revolution in weight loss".

2. Australian Dream - I find it peculiar that a product called "Australian Dream" should have been invented by a Redneck. This is a topical cream which is used by those who seek relief from Arthritis, sore muscles and the aches and pains of what used to be called "Getting Old". The commercial is aimed at Baby Boomers, and makes no bones about it, so they at least get some points for honesty.

The selling point is that Australian Dream is not as harsh as some liniments which are Capsacian-based. Capsacian is the main ingredient in chilli peppers. If I have this right, Capsacian works by triggering a histamine response -- the release of natural anti-inflammatories -- into the body. This is why your eyes water and your nose runs when you eat peppers. These histamines then go to work on expanding your capillaries and veins, increasing blood flow and getting some white blood cells into the inflamed area to help defeat infections and speed healing. Increased blood flow is a major component of pain relief (see: Aspirin).

Australian Dream doesn't use Capsacian because, a) it often smells, and b) it often results in discoloration of the skin in the affected area (redness and swelling). So, really what Australian Dream seems to be selling is that you can get the pain relief you need without the embarrassing smells and unattractive welts associated with most over-the-counter analgesic cremes, which is exactly what self-absorbed, horny Baby Boomers -- all hopped up on Viagra and Hormone Replacements -- really want! Those welts and smells are a definite turn-off, and there's already enough obstacles to sex-after-60.

Does Australian Dream work? Who the fuck knows? I couldn't find many complaints online, and I didn't find much in the way of really bad side effects (except for people who may have severe allergies -- all that histamine may be bad for you). But, at $29.95 for a 4-ounce jar, you could probably get the same effect with cheaper Vitamin B, store-brand ibuprofen or plain, old aspirin, if you can't stand the smell of Ben Gay. Unlike many of the drugs I rail about here, this one might actually work -- if you have money to burn.

3. Celedrin - I was very wary about posting this one. This is another patent medicine, sold over-the-counter. Celdarin says it's provides relief for those with arthritis and various sorts of joint pain, by providing a lot of fatty acids that "lubricate" your cell membranes and joints. The reason I was wary of it is because the website is full of claims that are contained within "quotation marks" and usually followed by many an asterisk. This is a warning sign that the infamous statement "This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease" is sure to follow, and as sure as Muslims mutilate their daughter's private parts, it most certainly did.

What's in it? Well, there's a lot of talk on the website about "innovative, targeted and proprietary cetylated fatty acid esters and other active synergists" that was just a bit too thick for me to bother looking up just what the heck that all actually means, but it appears to imply that the active ingredient is simple fish oil. But, finding complaints about Celadrin wasn't quite as difficult as wading through euphemisms for "fish oil" was. You'll also be happy to know that Celadrin is the favored drug amongst veterinarians treating dogs with hip dysplasia and arthritis, too. Hey, if it's good enough for Fido...

As for the complaints (which were many!) most seem to revolve around unwanted hair growth, a long lead time before any effect is actually felt (usually measured in weeks), and that the actual relief you get doesn't seem to last very long (in some cases, just a few hours, regardless of dosage). In any case, Celedrin will set you back $21.99 for 150 softgels at your local Costco, and you'll need about three a day, but you don't need a prescription, so that makes it all hunky-fucking-dory, right?

4. i Renew Bracelet - The "Energy-Balancing Bracelet". This has been one of my favorites because it is indicative of the stupidity of Man that he continues to fall for the same scams over and over. I now know why Bugs Bunny was able to use the same gags over and over on Elmer Fudd, and he never saw it coming. This is New Age "Medicine" at it's very best! Every claim is followed by an asterisk and three-paragraphs of very small print, indeed, which is par for the course. Summing up the webpage, it seem that the stress of everyday life is fucking up our "natural energy fields", also known as "the Biofield". The Biofield is supposed to be an aura of unseen, natural "energy" that surrounds and permeates our beings, which is badly influenced by electromagnetic radiation of the sort transmitted by your computer, television, cell phone, wrist watch, and so forth -- not to mention the bullshit you get from the Wife, Kids, Boss and the Donut-eating-jerk-with-a-badge who ticketed you for doing 43-in-a-40 zone.

All this talk of Biofields smells of the ancient Chinese concept of "ki", one of the foundations of Martial Arts training and acupuncture, and both of those are complete bullshit.

The claims made by the iRenew folks are reminiscent of those made in the days when people eagerly bought love potions, the bones of saints, pieces of True Cross, and other nonsense without question and when complete quacks were applying leaches, acids, poisons and sharp blades randomly in the belief that "balancing the humors" by bleeding people could cure warts, leprosy, toothache, acne. and fucking plague. The same dolts who fell for that drivel back in the day, would line up to buy iRenew bracelets.

iRenew promises to restore "balance" to your "Biofield" which will improve your mental condition, physical performance, restore your natural immunity to stress, and give you an enhanced sense of well-being with it's "Energy Balance System" and "Biofield Technology". You'll be happy to know that a "Biofield" is, and I quote, "a New term adopted by the National Institutes of Health" (yeah, nothing like basing a therapeutic product on a term invented last week, and which is really a recycled centuries-old Oriental scam) and describes a growing body of research that purportedly identifies a subtle human energy field that permeates and extends beyond the physical body". You'll also be interested to know that when I tried to copy/paste that gibberish so that I wouldn't have to type it, I got a computer message that stated this piece of text is protected by strict copyright laws! Ooops.

So, what is an iRenew Bracelet? The website calls it "proprietary quantum-based technology" that further states "the Process is beyond magnetic technology and ionic jewelry", but nothing describes what the bracelet is made of, or why it should do what it claims to do -- except in the most confusing, esoteric and ephemeral terms that probably won't make sense to anyone who doesn't smoke hash, studied yoga for 400 years, or doesn't "belong" to the world of Far-eastern religions. So, I had to do some digging to figure out what all that meant -- in plain English. And I still haven't found anything that tells me what the fuck this thing really is (probably just a bracelet made of recycled stainless steel wrapped around a cheap, copper core).

There's an awful lot of impressive-sounding terms being tossed about here: Biofields, Energy-balancing, Quantum-based technology, magnetic and ionic. Quite frankly, it's a pretty basic scam which which attempts to sell you a Good Luck charm, or Amulet that Wards off the Evil Spirits, and attempts to make you feel better about being duped by implying that the whole thing is based upon sound, scientific principles. iRenew appears to be nothing more than a $19.99 placebo. If you think it'll help you, it probably will, but it certainly won't hurt you.

But someone is probably going to jail in the very near future. Here's the commercial with really bad actors in it.

The Revenge of Bad Medicine!

Those of you who follow me regularly know that I spend an inordinate amount of time watching all the pharmaceutical commercials you see nowadays, investigating the products flogged therein, and then making fun of them here. It's a strange hobby, I'll admit, but it can be quite informative, and funny as hell.

If you'd like to read all the posts in this series, then click the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of this post.

It's apparently Penis Week here at Bad Medicine, because of the six drugs/treatments I'm about to tell you about, one-third of them are prime examples of why retiring Baby Boomers should be compelled by Force of Law to be celibate. I could not believe what I found when investigating those two...ahem...treatments.

There's an awful of lot of skin care commercials lately, too. Apparently, wrinkles and zits are back in vogue, and not to be outdone, the range of anti-depressants has now moved into the Homeopathic Realm, but at least HippieCare is cheaper than ObamaCare, right? It's almost as effective, too. Anyways, have fun. I did.

1. Amoryn - this is an herbal anti-depressant. It's another of those "All Natural" homeopathic remedies that's supposed to be better for you because it's "Natural" and doesn't put money into the pockets of Big Pharma. Amoryn claims to be a remedy for anxiety and depression, and it possesses the mystical power to "boost the brain's natural capacity for happiness". Whatever the fuck that means.

The website then goes on to repudiate those claims by then counter-claiming that the terms "anxiety", "depression" and "panic" found on the site may refer to "common emotions" and should not be interpreted as referring to medically or clinically-recognized-and-defined diseases or conditions. All "Natural Remedies", incidentally, usually have a similar disclaimer on their webpage, in very small print at the bottom of the page, and always after they make claims to be the cure for all that ails you in the first paragraph of the advert. The disclaimers continued, and I especially loved this one:

"...Statements that an ingredient found in Amoryn has been proven in clinical trials to effectively treat a disease do not represent any claim regarding the effects of Amoryn, and do not signify that Amoryn itself has been proven to effective treat that disease..."

If that wasn't Clintonian enough for you, there was the claim that Amoryn has been "Scientifically Designed" to "put a spring in your step and a smile on your face." If anyone could actually recreate that in a laboratory I'd give you a testicle. The contradictory claims come fast-and-furious.

Amoryn, apparently has been scientifically-designed to pep you up and un-depress you...provided you aren't suffering from depression, anxiety and panic in the clinical sense of those terms. And this is supposed to be medicine? So why take Amoryn at all, if it doesn't actually do what it initially claims it will?

Well, because it's cheaper (although not as effective as) than Zoloft, Prozac and Paxil, and doesn't give money to Evil Big Pharma, silly! You won't need a prescription, like you do for Marijuana. It contains an "active ingredient" called "Hyperforin", which is a fancy name for "St. John's Wort" -- which I remember from a few years ago as being everything from a cure for cancer to a source of atomic energy, depending on which Hippie you talked to. It's also heavy on B6 and B12 vitamins (most "Natural" remedies are, you know). I found an awful lot of stuff on St. John's Wort in the treatment of depression. The major proponents (Hippies) basically all say that it would be a standard treatment -- if the medical profession wasn't in bed with Big Pharma. The Medical and Scientific Professions basically say that while wiping your ass with St. John's Wort won't necessarily hurt you, it would certainly be a more effective treatment for depression than shelling out $34.99 for a bottle of this shit.

Except that Amoryn doesn't work alone! It has been "scientifically designed" to be used as part of a depression-management system...which includes two other homeopathic remedies at similar prices-- Seredyn and Mellodyn (which, I assume are "Natural" Serotonin and Melatonin, two brain chemicals in which a deficiency in either or both is often linked to depression and anxiety disorders).

Get all three at over $100.00 a month -- for basically a bunch of herbs of questionable use and some B-complex vitamins. For that money, you could get a 60-day supply of Zoloft, and that actually sorta-kinda works.

2. ExtenZe- well, if you hadn't guessed by the name, this is all about "Natural Male Enhancement", which is a code phrase for "Bigger Dick without an Embarrassing Prescription". I'm almost sorry I looked into this subject, because it led me into dark corners of the internet that I would have been quite content to remain ignorant of. Except that they were funny.

The premise behind ExtenZe is the old psychological fear that some men have that the old Pork Pistol, the trusty Pelvis Bazooka, the Jolly Old Chum-chucker just might not be up to snuff in the size department. The old "Does Size Matter?" argument which is about as tedious as the one about Chickens and Eggs. ExtenZe is a patent medicine, which means you don't need a prescription for it. It's advertised on late-night TV, on one of those infomercials, and it promises to add some length and girth to your Babymaker.

The commercial has a slutty-looking, near-Porn-star-quality chick extolling the virtues of the Blockbuster Erection in a discussion with the Pitch Man, not to mention cheap Dick Jokes a-plenty. This is supposed to put the male viewer into a tizzy wondering about the proportions of his One-eyed Wonder Worm, while simultaneously titillating him with the ideal of a sexually-frank woman who claims she'd rather have a Big One with which to occupy her time. Now for the really disturbing part; the research I had to do.

The Ultimate Penis Enlargement Guide (who knew?) absolutely raves about ExtenZe, while it's rival Ultimate Shaft (I shit you not), recommends you give this stuff a very wide berth, ranking it only #3 on it's list of Approved Peenie Products because there's a lot of "fake" ExtenZe out there, and you might not get the real thing. In the meantime, you can amuse yourself with this review in Penis Pills Reviews (I swear, there's some really sick and self-absorbed fuckers on this planet with entirely-too-much free time), which positively calls this one of the Greatest Inventions of the 21st Century (they didn't, really).

So, just what's in this Wonder Drug for the Willie, this Cornucopia of Cock, this veritable Plethora of Penis, this...ummm...Erector... of the Tower of Tallywhacker? The active ingredients seem to be a who's-who of the "Natural Medicine" rogue's gallery: Ginseng, Oatstraw, Cayenne Pepper, Ginko Biloba, Zinc and a bunch of others, which according to Hippies Everywhere , have been hyped for years as the "Wonder Cures" for everything from a purple hemorrhoid to multiple gunshot wounds to the face. Some guys might actually get a little extra lead in the pencil -- because some of these ingredients do improve blood flow -- but you won't be ringing doorbells, making pancakes, or typing the Great American Novel hands-free nor should you be expecting to frighten the children on Halloween with your special ventriloquist's act.

So, why MUST you have ExtenZe? Why, if you were an aging Baby Boomer, and medical science was making it possible for you to live a longer, healthier life with the possibility of being able to fuck like a 20-yr old way into your 70's-and-80's (thanks to Viagra and modern pharmacology), well, then you need this stuff more than you do air! Why? Because you're probably fat, ugly bald, and have enough wrinkles so that you look like a Shar-Pei after a four day lemon-juice bath. You won't get that 20-something-sexually-frank-gold-digger chick without a gimmick. At your advanced age, the only gimmicks left to you are a Fat Wad in your Wallet -- and when this fails because even some 20-yr olds have standards, you know -- you'll need Plan B: An even-Fatter Wad in your BVD's.

The theory is that the youngins will forget all about your sagging, aging, graying body if you're hung like a Thoroughbred. Not only that, but you'll be getting Porn-star quality babes, too! My favorite ExtenZe claim off the website was "Precisely control your ejaculation...". I then wondered if they meant that in terms of improved accuracy? Anyways, it's your $59.95 fantasy, so enjoy it.

3. Hydroxycut - another Patent Medicine, this one claims to be a super weight-loss aid that "boosts your metabolism", suppresses your appetite, and helps you burn more calories, all while "boosting your energy". This last claim, by the way, is a common one made by every Patent Medicine on the market, nowadays. There's an Energy Crisis that doesn't involve Fossil Fuels. You've become a Fat Slob not because you've had all the joy in life beaten out of you by everyday experience, nor because spend your days inhaling potato chips and Suzy Q's, laying on the couch or sitting on the toilet until you get Restless Leg Syndrome; no, you're a Fat Slob because you lack Energy.

"Energy" nowadays, has become a euphemism for "motivation".

So, how does Hydroxycut boost your energy...errr...I mean, motivate you to lose scads of unwanted weight? The website doesn't actually say how, except to say that it includes a Powerful Thermogenic Agent. What the fuck is a Powerful Thermogenic Agent, you may ask? I didn't know, so I had to look it up; this is something which aids, advances, enhances, promotes, expedites or stimulates metabolic activity. That means "digestion" -- because when you digest things, your body creates heat, meaning that your temperature rises, which produces sweat. So, it basically speeds up your metabolic process so that you can lose water weight, which is why a) I guess it's called "Hydroxycut", and b) why it carries this little disclaimer on the Webpage:

"It is important to maintain proper hydration."

Right, because if you don't, Hydroxycut will have you shedding so much excess water that you can expect the wages of severe dehydration, especially all that really nasty kidney dysfunction. And by the way, the "Key Ingredient" in Hydroxycut appears to be...caffeine. So, I guess we know where that "boost your Energy" nonsense comes from. You'll also find Vitamin C and Blueberry extracts in it.

While doing research, I discovered that Hydroxycut was recalled in May of 2009 after reports of users suffering severe liver damage. In response, Hydroxycut was "reformulated" (they replaced all the old, harmful ingredients with new ones) , and is now marketed as "Hydroxycut Advanced". According to a lot of stuff I've read, it's recommended that you avoid this shit like leprosy; there is the risk of hurting yourself with simple dehydration if you're not careful, or paying attention to what you're doing. This stuff is aimed at people trying to drop a lot of weight, quickly, and that by itself makes the whole thing suspect, even if the commercial does have a bikini beauty or two, and a hunky doctor in it.

4. Murad - when I saw it on television, it was being hyped as the Magical Cure for Bacne (Acne on your back, Ladies). I soon discovered that there is a variety of products all bearing the name "Murad", although I'm not certain if it applies to only one $35-a-tube/vat/jar face cream, or to all of them. Because there appears to be an entire line of scrubs, cosmetics, skin creams, anti-aging creams, wrinkle creams, cleansers, blackhead removers, anti-oxidant gels, pore treatments, and so forth, all part of the Murad Skin Care System.

The gist of the website is that if you use all of these products, and devote 14-hours a day to proper skin care, then you too can look like Dr. Howard Murad (pictured on the site), the creator of the entire panoply of skin care products, who himself looks like Lenin's Corpse with that glowing patina that's half-wax-half-shellac, and which might actually crack under the slightest strain. Like if you grinned, or maybe yawned. Even farted. It's reminiscent of that warm glow you get from waxed fruit when the sunlight hits it just right.

And yes, this Dr. Murad is an actual Doctor, who looks as if Ricardo Montalban and Liberace might have conspired to conceive a son. He's apparently very well preserved thanks to extensive plastic surgery, and it's almost as if he's trying to preserve all that work under a protective layer of botox, furniture polish and home-made skin-care products. Does this stuff actually work, and cure the curse of Bacne? Who the hell knows! I just found this Dr. Murad creepy enough to post about.

This is the Gay/Female version of the ExtenZe scam (see above), only instead of preying upon anxiety over the size of one's Privates, this one revolves around a fear of time and gravity undoing the work of nature and/or your plastic surgeon.

5. Pos-T-Vac - another Penile Enlargement situation. Except that Pos-T-Vac isn't a pill. Nope, it's a mechanized system, described as a "vacuum erection system", and yeah, that fuckin' freaked me out, too! The website is a laugh-a-minute.

Pos-T-Vac bills itself as the "non-surgical approach to the treatment of Erectile Dysfunction, and is a an external method for achieving a full, strong erection, suitable for sexual intercourse."

As opposed to a "full, strong erection suitable for rebuilding a carburetor", or a "full, strong erection suitable for painting a bucolic 18th-Century landscape", and my personal favorite, "a full, strong erection suitable for making a Lemon Merange Pie". I'm glad they specified.

Suffice to say that the Pos-T-Vac System includes a vacuum cylinder, a hand-or-battery-operated pump, and a collection of "tension rings". Oh, and detailed instructions. I'm beginning to imagine I might have enough details without the diagrams, thank you. What you do is slip the cylinder snugly over your semi-erect John Thomas, create a secure seal, and then use the handy pump to suck some blood into your flaccid appendage. Once you have achieved this curious state, you are then to use the tension rings to prevent the blood from flowing back out of your Industrially-aided Erection by applying uniform pressure around your now-engorged member. Just like making sausage.

Then you can have a go at Making the Beast With Two Backs, I suppose.

If THAT sounded all sorts of Medieval to you, then join the fucking club! If you actually wish to see how this works (sorry, I couldn't help it, because it was as funny as a stadium full of burning Muslims), you can go here. Be warned: this is not safe for work.

You would think they would try to find some more attractive people to advertise this thing, because the crop they picked out for this commercial makes you wish some of them weren't getting any.

And no, I did not check with Ultimate Shaft or Penis Pills Review to see what they had to say about this one. I was too busy laughing and trying to keep from vomiting. Incidentally, a Pos-T-Vac will set you back about $550.00, and that's not including the accessories, which include some nasty and disturbing-sounding items, like a "loading cone".

6. SkinZinc - SkinZinc is another of those homeopathic patent medicines. It claims to provide relief to those who suffer from eczema, dermatitis, psoriasis, dandruff and all manner of puffy, flaky, dry, cracking and suppurating skin disorders.

It also takes great pride in being "Coal Tar Free". I didn't know what that meant, and so I had to look it up. It would seem to be the case that in the days before we had "Modern Medicine" people would use Cold Tar (a derivative of coal which is a main ingredient in asphalt) to treat skin diseases, especially psoriasis. It was later discovered that this treatment was dangerous -- it caused cancers -- but mostly because it is estimated that Cold Tar contains around 10,000 as-yet-unidentified chemical compounds, as well as being super-flammable.

Why, I'd almost keep the psoriasis, if given the choice.

SkinZinc also states that it does not contain steroids, a common treatment for many skin problems and the auto-immune disorders associated with them. In fact, the website is really good at telling you what isn't in SkinZinc, and I had to look elsewhere to find out what is actually in it, and what it's supposed to do.

Basically, SkinZinc is Head & Shoulders (or any other dandruff shampoo, really) in a non-shampoo, tar-and-steroid-free form. With some Zinc added to it to help it fight eczema, psoriasis, dandruff and dermatitis -- and on a very good day -- ringworm.

SkinZinc doesn;t require a prescription, and will set you back $34.99 for a 4-ounce package. For that sort of money, you could buy half-a-dozen bottles of Head & Shoulders Dandruff shampoo, I gather, and use it as a body wash. But then, you wouldn't get all that extra , super-expensive zinc, would you?

Bad Medicine Returns!

Another installment on my regular feature on the bewildering array of "medicines" being heavily marketed on television nowadays. If you wish to see all the installments in this feature, simply click the "Bad Medicine" tag at the bottom of this post.

This time we have a great list of ultra-expensive, the cure-is-often-worse-than-the-malady crap being heavily flogged on American television as The Answer for every problem from Hearing Loss, to Acne, to Erectile Dysfunction. This month's list contains an acne cure, a "homeopathic cure" for tinnitus, and something to help you unblock your nose (because tissues apparently get really expensive), and a brand-spanking-new disease that affects Men in such as way as they don't have the energy to even play a round of golf! The horror!

Certainly all threats to the health and safety of the American public! I can see the Pharmaceutical Bosses now; "Quick; invent an expensive medicine that gives someone the energy for golf, but makes his testicles droop, costs $200 a pop, and produce an expensive commercial that can be shown on TV every 15 minutes!".

Anyways, back to this months' Candidates for Really Bad Medicines:

1. Embrel - is a lovely little medicine being marketed as a cure to Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), and which is also used to treat those afflicted with Psoriasis. It is taken by injection, and it has some rather unusual side-effects. Since Embrel depresses the immune system, you're very likely to get severe viral, fungal and bacteriological infections, which have actually killed Embrel-using patients. There's also warnings about an increased incidence of Tuberculosis, "unusual" cancers, lymphoma, seizures, heart failure, lupus and hepatitis, and on the website (www.embrel.com) there's this little blurb:

"These are not all the side effects with Embrel. Tell your Doctor about any Side Effect which bothers you or does not go away."

So, you can expect side-effects that even the people who made and tested this piece of shit can't identify! Oh, and make certain you aren't exposed to chicken pox while taking Embrel because...well, they don't exactly say WHY you should avoid the chicken pox, only that you must.

By the way, Embrel costs about $12,000 for a year's prescription.

I couldn't find the Embrel commercial itself on YouTube, but I did find a lot of stuff showing people self-injecting Embrel, which you can look at yourself if you desire, as I find that stuff to be on the same level as snuff porn.

2. Epiduo - The really annoying thing about the Epiduo commercial, is Tyler B., the typical Gen Y slacker who is hopelessly cursed with acne. Despite the best advice and help given to him by the Supermarket Manager, a Dermatologist, and a thorough scrub with Epiduo Gel, Tyler's new acne-free face is still accompanied by his Jughead sense of fashion. I mean, doesn't the kid have any other clothes? And when did the knit wool cap become cool? I have to get out more and frequent skater parks, I guess, because I am soooo not with it! The really disturbing thing about Tyler is that if you were advertising a product which is supposed to dry up acne, how is it that you found such a greasy-looking kid to be the front man?

Anyways, about Epiduo; According to the Epiduo website it's medication is far more effective than traditional methods of treating acne, and far less severe. In fact, it's so superior and non-severe that they hardly bother to list the side effects form Epiduo gel --beyond the standard warnings of "Stay out of sunlight", "your skin may get irritated", "keep it away from your eyes and mouth", and the ever-popular "Oh-and-don't-get-Pregnant-while-using-Epiduo" routine, like this;

It is not known whether this medication is harmful to an unborn baby. Before using Epiduo, tell your doctor if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant during treatment. It is not known whether adapalene and benzoyl peroxide passes into breast milk or if it could harm a nursing baby. Do not use Epiduo without telling your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

It turns out that, perhaps, Epiduo is a better answer for acne, because it's so difficult to find information on any really bad side effects...aside from swelling of the face and lips, and the baby thing. However, before you jump for joy at the thought of your zits being gone forever, please take note of the fact that Eipduo will set you back about $200 for every prescription, and that, alas, since puberty is a years-long proposition, you're probably going to need multiple scripts. But, hey, you can console yourself by visiting the really-neat looking www.truthaboutzits.com website!

3. Glyco-Stat - this is not actually a medicine, but another of those "nutritional supplements" which caters top a segment of the market which believes that "natural" and homeopathic remedies are better than modern pharmacology. Glyco-stat is an appetite suppressor, and glucose-regulator which might be helpful to those seeking to lose weight or diabetics. The website doesn't actually make those claims, but it's what I inferred from the information available. Please take note of all the asterisks (*) which indicate a disclaimer for every claim made for this supplement -- all spelled out at the bottom of the page.

As is usual for these sorts of things, the advertisement touts the effectiveness of "Asian" herbs and plants (the usual pitch makes references to 5,000 years of Chinese herbology, and now Indian traditional medicine is all the rage). This pitch is part-and-parcel of the usual "Natural Suppliment" marketing strategy -- it's all about giving you the impression that these things are somehow mystical secrets that Big Pharma doesn't want you to know about because they want to poison you and steal your money, and therefore, the "Natural Supplement" is both better for you and much cheaper. The idea that something that comes from a plant rather than a vat is supposed to make you feel better about it, and it's usually this "feeling better" that more often than not affects an actual change (this is known as the Placebo Effect). More often than not, the actual problem which led you to take the "All Natural Supplement" is never actually addressed. In any case,the "supplement" contains very little of the active ingredient, and a whole lot of fillers (like rice, and wheat flour). All for $21.00 a bottle.

I could not find the Glyco-Stat commercial on YouTube.

4. Low-T Syndrome - Well, it had to happen at some point. You just knew that with the Pussification of America, it would come to this:

Men are now victims of Menopause.

And we don't mean that their menopausal wives drive them crazy, or even to murder and suicide, we mean they're getting their own male version of menopause.

It's called Low-T Syndrome ("T" standing for Testosterone, which is apropos; as most men nowadays have no balls, or have been emasculated by Feminazis), and it's symptoms include Decreased Sex Drive, Loss of Energy, Body changes (weight gain, development of Moobs, or Man-boobs), Mood changes, and Sexual Dysfunction (here we go with the Erectile Dysfunction shit again!). Long before everyone became a Victim of Something, this used to be called "Getting Old", and people dealt with it. But not now; now you can take Wonder Drugs and solve all your problems. I'll bet that most of those Wonder Drugs are probably named Viagra and Cialis.

Low T Syndrome sounds like a marketing ploy to me. The website is rather nebulous about just what Low-T is and what options (besides "See your doctor for a prescription") are available to the pudgy, paunchy, had-the-shit-beat-out-of-them-by-life, the-wife-is-sagging-so-much-it's-like-screwing-a-shar-pei curmudgeons who apparently suffer from Male Menopause -- and I'm beginning to wonder how many of them are actually gay.

5. Niaspan - Niaspan is basically a vitamin-B supplement that is used to treat people at risk of coronary artery disease. Having been treated for this very condition myself, I can assure you that an infusion of B-complex vitamins (especially B12) is most efficacious. B-complex keeps arteries pliable, and also helps eliminate or control some of the nastier fatty elements in your blood which might cause clots. I used to take about 400 mcg of B12 twice a week, personally, and it does work wonders.

Niaspan is Vitamin B3, which is otherwise known to the general public as Niacin (and most people only know that from reading the back of the cereal box). The great virtues of Niaspan seem to be that it's a) time-released Niacin (meaning you don't have to remember to take your supplement as often), and b) when used in conjunction with other medications (like statins), it reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke. The website is here (http://www.niapsan.com/).

Normally, I would consider this a good thing, especially considering my own experience with B-complex supplements. However, Niapsan costs about $150 for a 750mg dose. For about $10.00 you could buy a decent B-complex supplement from your local Supermarket or Pharmacy which is just as good. The only difference is that Niaspan requires you to take fewer pills (about half as many). You could also save a ton of money by eating more spinach and other leafy greens. The side effects are really rather mild, when compared to the other possibilities, and so the risk factor is very small, but the price is simply too high for the supposed benefit.

However, what makes Niaspan really objectionable (to me) is that it's another in a line of otherwise-useful medicines which aren't being marketed so much on their efficacy, as they are on their convenience factor. The main selling point (other than "we help prevent heart attack and stroke") is that you only need to take enough time out of your busy schedule to take one pill -- instead of two or three -- and that somehow, this is a revolution in modern medicine that helps people lead "more active" lifestyles (and is worth a $150.00 prescription). This is the same logic behind the once-a-month-superdose medications that have often-horrific and toxic side effects (because of the size of the dosage itself), but hey, at least you don't have to devote 18 seconds a day to the Pill-and-Glass-of-Water routine. This appeals to aging Baby Boomers who are under the mistaken impression that Eternal-Youth-In-As-Little-Time-As-Possible is a real option in their later years.

7. Omnaris - the truly-annoying thing about Omnaris is the commercial, in which attacking your nasal allergies is likened to a military operation, complete with commandos, dramatic voice over and the Regimental shouting of the slogan (Omnaris, to the Nose!). Your plugged nostrils due to allergy are taken as seriously as any National Security issue, or Important Military Objective, worthy of calling out the SEALs and Green Berets! This idea is further stressed by the picture of the doctor-cum-General Patton in his white lab coat saluting on the webpage (www.omnaris.com).

Omnaris is intended for the treatment of "Nasal Allergy Symptoms", which is pretty generic. There are no specific symptoms (apart from runny noses and clogged sinuses), or specific maladies noted on the website. The terms "Environmental allergies, Outdoor Allergies and Indoor Allergies" are used an awful lot, but no one explains exactly what those might be(I can guess, but won't).

However, never fear; Omnaris is here to enable you to breathe! The generic version will cost you $65 for 100 doses, which isn't that bad if your allergies are such that traditional antihistamines (over-the-counter-stuff, or a nice bowl of oatmeal every morning) don't work for you. I just wish that commercial didn't suck so hard, and would get out of my head!

5. Quietus - This is another homeopathic remedy for those who suffer from tinnitus, a persistent ringing or buzzing in the ears. The website claims that Quietus was discovered by a rock drummer, and this is supposed to be proof positive that someone knows what he's talking about, and who the fuck needs doctors anyways ? (why, that inspires confidence right there! I used to be a rock drummer too, and I know just what unrecognized geniuses we truly are...).

Tinnitus is no laughing matter, and it literally drives people batty and affects their lives in many negative ways. However, I'm leery of something that a) doesn't advertise it's price on it's own website (it'll cost you $99.95 for a 30-day supply), b) identifies it's inventor by only his first name, and c) doesn't even give you any indication of what is in the "medicine" it's selling. If you can find a list of ingredients, or a discussion of side effects on that website I'll give you a great big kiss. But I guess the picture of the real pretty operator who is standing by to take your order, and the guy i the white lab coat, are supposed to make you feel better about buying a maybe-bogus Homeopathic Remedy with no Information available to inform your purchase.

As of this writing, there is no "cure" for tinnitus, and there are few real options beyond surgery, which is still no guarantee. There seems to be an awful lot of "scam buzz" on the internet about Quietus, and the FTC might be investigating them for their "30-day Money Back Trial Offer" routine in which involves your credit cards.

I couldn't track the TV commercial I saw down online, but the one on the website with "Bernard The Drummer" was stupid and vague enough.

Son of Bad Medicine...

This week we're looking at a "treatment" for ADHD, a Foot Fungus "cure" that might be a fire hazard, and an over-the-counter or "health supplement" that is being heavily advertised on television which has kept the lawyers very busy, indeed. If you wish to see the other posts in this series, simply click the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of this nonsense.

This week's As-seen-on-TV-Miracle-Cures are:

1. Actonel - is another treatment for Osteoporosis, a debilitating disease which threatens to inflict millions of soon-to-retire Baby Boomer females with brittle bones that will keep them from living out their life-long dream of hitting every position in the Kama Sutra. Broken bones are certainly nothing to laugh about, especially when you anticipate another 20 years of heavy sexual activity with your pumped-up-on-Viagra mate, your meds and lifestyle subsidized by the American taxpayer. Can't be snappin' bones when you're Snappin' Bones, can ya? Ain't no fun when your pelvis might crack at any moment.

Anyways, if you take this medicine, not only will your Osteoporosis be relatively cured (in the sense that you'll, maybe, break fewer bones than you would have without it), you'll also be treating yourself to the following cornucopia of side-effects: Esophageal ulcers, difficult or painful swallowing, chest pains, continuous heartburn, back-muscle-bone-or-joint pain (hey! I thought this was supposed to be good for your bones?). oh, and it won't really rot your jawbone...if you're lucky. Which is a good thing, because then you'll be able to enjoy all those bladder infections and the crippling diarrhea you're likely to get, if you haven't already been killed by the increased or irregular heart beat, or unexplained rashes the drug might cause. All this for only $140.00 a batch! Why,Ladies, I'll bet you just can't wait!

Check out the well-preserved geriatric bombshell on the website.

2. Align - Well, well, well. It seems everyone's concerned about their bowels, nowadays. And I guess Jamie Lee Curtis talking about turds and pushing yogurt just won't cut it anymore, and so we have Align, which promises to "help build and maintain a healthy digestive system", and to "restore you natural digestive balance", while protecting you against "occasional digestive upsets". So far as I can tell, that means "we'll help you shit, shit more often, and as close to on-a-schedule-as possible".

That statement is conditioned by this one: "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease". Nope, we'll just market it to you as if constipation was a deadly malady that'll kill you faster than any cancer or Muslim Terrorist. They even have a money back guarantee (You Poop or We Pay!). It's amazing how many people nowadays are focused -- like a laser beam -- upon their colons. It's almost a fetish. But, at least it's better than the last fetish, which focused on made-up diseases like Chronic Dry Eye and Restless Leg Syndrome, and the ever-present threat of Erectile Dysfunction.

Align bills itself as a "daily pro-biotic supplement" (whatever the fuck that is), which promises "Align works by providing an ongoing natural defense against occasional digestive upsets". You'll be more than pleased to know that someone went through the trouble of studying the effects of Align on menstruating women and found the combination of raging hormones and blocked bowels does not equal a death sentence. I'm sure that puts your mind greatly at ease.

You'll be happy to know that the Website offers this lovely tidbit of gastrointestinal knowledge: a supposedly-healthy person craps somewhere between three times a day and three times a week. If you're hitting the head 21 times a week, I hope you're bringing reading material. I know dogs that don't pop that often.

In the end the makers of Align probably need this product more than anyone else does: their own website is so full of shit that even 21 trips a week to the Crapper may not suffice. Oh, and all this bowel-related tomfoolery will set you back about $24. For the sale price of Manhattan Isle, you'll be able to drop a spike on a schedule that's convenient for you! A fitting thing, since our culture is dominated by both crap and convenience, isn't it? I couldn't find a TV Commercial for this one, but I see it at least as many times as a day as I crap.

3. Intuniv - the latest and greatest "treatment" for ADHD (what used to be called "Ants in the Pants" or "Sit down and Shut the Fuck Up" syndrome), this drug is intended specifically for children between the ages of 6 and 17. It's derivative of a drug (Tenex) that was originally used to treat high blood pressure; it was not specifically developed to address what some consider a psychological problem. It's great "virtue" is that it's not considered a controlled substance, which makes getting your hands on it all so-much-more easier. A drug intended for teenagers that's easy to get? Yeah, that makes sense. I like this vaguely-worded, and grammatically-suspect little blurb on the Pediatrics website I visited:

"...Intuniv, unlike other ADHD medications, especially stimulants like Adderall, Concerta, or Vyvanse, does not cause much appetite suppression, so may be a good choice for children who lose a lot of weight when taking a stimulant. Until more is known about Intuniv, another benefit is that there will simply be one more option for treating children with ADHD..."

In other words, we don't know much about this drug, but give it to your kid anyway -- it's one more "option" available to you. And that was written by a DOCTOR?

The cost of drugging your child instead of teaching them a bit of discipline are the following side-effects: low blood pressure, fainting spells and low heart rate. But hey, it's better than having to chase Timmy around the living room, and having his teacher suggest Special Ed, right? The price checker I use (Pharmacychecker.com) lists one source for Intuniv, at a cost of $549.00 for 100 pills, and Pharmahelper lists 100 pills for $475.95...for a drug that wasn't invented to treat children with ADHD, which might not actually work, but which a doctor will be happy to recommend in order to give you the sense that you "have options". But at least you don't need to go through all the trouble of getting a prescription for it, right?

Please note that on the Intuniv Website, there's a section entitled "How Intuniv is THOUGHT to Work", which I'm finding is a pretty common thing for all drugs that have an effect on brain chemistry. The implication is that no one's quite sure how these things do what they do, and we don't really bother to find out, but what the hell? You're crazy, anyway, right?. So, we're distributing drugs to people considered varying-degrees of "crazy", and no one knows how or why they work? Who's the insane one here?

4. Liverite - Liverite is a "supplement" which promises to "clean your liver", "increase your energy" and "improve liver function". It's ingredients are listed on the website, and consist of a load of shit I've never heard of (except for "Vitamin B12"), and are mostly gobbledygook. For example, a "Hydrolysate" is defined as "the by -product of the process of hydrolysis", so what the fuck IS "Liver Hydrolysate"? Stuff taken from a cow or pigs liver and then dried out and powderized, of course.

Other ingredients include "17 (unspecified) Amino Acids".

It turns out the makers of Liverite have been the subject of much attention from the FTC for making outlandish claims about the efficacy of their products, and even making claims that Liverite is an effective treatment for certain liver diseases. They've been sued about three dozen times, but apparently are still in business, and still trying to convince people that "Liver Detox" is the key to Eternal health. There's apparently an entire line of Liverite Products, including Liverite for Men, Liverite for Women, Liverite for Albanian Dung Beetles, Liverite Ultimate LiverAid, Liverite 3-in-1 (for both sexes!), Liverite Sports, and now, Liverite with Milk Thistle Extract. Whatever the fuck that is.

Basically, Liverite is a collection of crap that you can find in any "Health Food Store" and it's only really useful ingredient might be the Vitamin B12. You can get it for about $29.00 a bottle, which is a lot to pay for stuff that'll make you shit like a shark and some B12. I think this is another"dietary supplement" which has taken on the "Organ Detox" theme (you can now "detox" your liver, colon, pancreas, kidneys, lungs, with "herbal remedies" of all sorts, nowadays) which is quite popular with the Natural Medicine and Osteopathic crowd, people who don't like doctors or pharmacology, and frankly, who can blame them? Reading up on some of these drugs has certainly opened my eyes, but the whole "Natural" movement leaves itself open to all sorts of quackery and charlatanism.

I'm not providing any links to the website, and fuck the commercial. This looks like a ripoff.

5. Lovaza - This is really just the extracts from fish oils that contain the Omega-3 Fatty Acids, which promise to help control your cholesterol levels, especially Triglycerides. In effect, it's an attempt to get some fish oils into people who don't like fish, or perhaps, may not be able to get enough fresh fish into their diet. That didn't sound so bad to me, so why the heck does Lovaza require a prescription?

Basically, because Lovaza is FDA-approved, it's therefore different than those Other Omega-3 pills you find on the health food shelf (the cheap, deadly, poisonous Health Food store pills that will kill you!).

If that doesn't convince you that Lovaza is the best goddamned Omega-3 Fatty Acid Supplement in the Universe, they then go on to tell you all about their "5-step purification process" which "helps remove mercury and other environmental toxins that may be present in fish oils." Oh, well, since you put it THAT way...

And how much does this FDA-approved, not-quite-but-more-Mercury-free-than-Brand-X Omega-3-Fatty-Acid-Dietary-Supplement cost you? About $160.00 a month. For that kind of money, you could probably afford to eat real fish three times a week.

My biggest issue with Lovaza is that it's not really a medicine, but it's marketed as if it were, which seems pretty douchey. Here's the website. While searching for the commercial, I found this Consumer Reports video on Fish Oil supplements.

6. Plavix - Plavix says it will protect you from that heart attack or stroke which you will most certainly have-- and which cannot be avoided-- like death and taxes. The commercial even shows an active Baby Boomer being pursued by a gurney, like Freddy Kreuger in one of those movies, just to make that point. By taking Plavix (along with aspirin), you'll be thinning your blood out, keeping your blood platelets from sticking together and forming blood clots which will kill you faster than ObamaCare. Why, that sounds dandy! Until you get to the side-effects.

The Plavix website lists them, thusly;

"In clinical trials, the most common side effects of PLAVIX were severe itching (pruritus), a severe rash characterized by the appearance of purplish spots or patches (purpura), diarrhea, and rash. Less common, but serious, side effects of PLAVIX may occur.

Tell your doctor if you have any bleeding or other problems while you are taking PLAVIX."

But that doesn't tell the whole story. If you take Plavix, you can look forward to: frequent bruising, "minor" bleeding, chest pain, swelling of the tongue and mouth, and my personal favorite, "black, hairy stools". I didn't know that was possible. Other side effects include: bleeding in the eye, bloody urine, sore throat, loss of appetite, pale skin, unspecified seizures, persistent headaches, speech problems, unexplained weight loss, unexplained vaginal bleeding, yellowing of the skin and eyes. I guess that's all preferable to a stroke. Oh, and I had to search the internet for those side effects -- because they're not listed on the Plavix site. Anywhere. Go figure!

Plavix will set you back about $90 a month -- pretty cheap for black, hairy stools and bloody urine, indeed.

7. Tineacide - Tineacide is produced by a company (Blaine Labs) that bills itself as "the leading antifungal specialists", which caused me to spew coffee when I read that. Tineacide is supposed to help cure toenail fungus, which I hear is a mighty common (and disgusting) condition. Of course, I'd just wash my feet more often, keep them dry, and not wear the same socks four days in a row or better, NOT swap four-day-old used socks with my brother, and avoid the problem altogether. But no; apparently, the cause of basic hygiene is lost on some Americans who will invariably have their toenails eaten away by a yellow fungus, in which case, they'll need non-prescription Tineacide, which is guaranteed to work-- in about a month or so!

This is a non-prescription creme, a combination of herbs, minerals, and "topical medicines" that you can rub into your filthy feet and fingernails, destroying the fungi that will eventually rot your nails and skin. It'll also work on Athlete's Foot, Ringworm and Jock Itch, the website says.

Just don't use Tineacide if you're pregnant or breast-feeding, because it might be poisonous in certain concentrations, and oh... it might be flammable, too. Keep yer feet and crotch away from open flames, will ya? It'll take the curl out of your permanent and pubes,too, which I guess is pretty funny, but also kinda disturbing. Available in "Regular" or "Physician's Strength" formulas! It costs between $14 and $19 a bottle.

Here's the commercial. Oh, and you get a free nail-clipper with it...I guess to inspire you to beat the dreaded menace of toenail fungus?

Still More Bad Medicine...

Okay, now with the passage of ObamaCare, I'm taking an in-depth look at some of the"medicines" that are being heavily-marketed in the US today, and which might wind up being paid for by ObamaCare (i.e. the overburdened taxpayer) one day if we're not careful.

As always, the main complaint about these drugs are that they are extremely expensive, might be of dubious value medically, and are marketed as your one-stop miracle cure to all of Life's little problems. I include the average price of these drugs, because this is what they cost if you don;' have a prescritpion drug plan on your insurance, and because they'll probably cost twice as much once the government controls everything.

This week's haul found yet more anti-depressants, the return of some oldies-but-goodies, and I've noticed an increase in birth-control ads ever since last Saturday, in print, online and on television. So, here we go with this week's Bad Medicine List:

1. Aricept - for the treatment for Alzheimer's. Please note the website has a section you're supposed to read entitled "How Arricept is Thought To Work", complete with a video. The implication is that someone is selling a medicine without being certain of just what, exactly, it does, or how it does it. It's like rolling the dice with people's lives. But that's okay; it sometimes works, --fuck us if we know how -- and if it doesn't, well -- you have Alzheimer's, so how would you know? This is exactly why I hated anti-depressants when I took them because medical science -- for all it's accomplishments -- still cannot fathom the human brain. Side effects include the usual; vomiting, diarrhea, loss of sleep and appetite, some bruising and exacerbation of bleeding-relating problems (like ulcers, hemophilia, etc), but then again, you have Alzheimer's and probably sit in your own filth all day, so who gives a crap? Just hand over the money. Aricept will set you back $250.00 a month. That's a lot of cash for a drug that no one, even it's makers, can seem to explain. You can see the intentionally-dramatic, heart-wrenching commercial here.

2. Mirena - No sooner was ObamaCare signed into law then the birth control ads started in earnest. One of these is for a drug called Mirena, which sounds like your live-in Spanish maid more than it does medicine -- and which lead me to some very funny thoughts about Mexicans and birth control. However, Mirena is obviously specifically marketed to the active Soccer-Mom who can't be bothered to deal with a trifling little nuisance like contraception -- not when she's simply swamped with play-dates, Pilate's, Book Club, the weekly mani-and-pedi, Coffee-house-lunchtime poetry readings, PTA and Ceramics class. In other words; the pampered suburban housefrau. Perhaps she should just stay home more? Mirena is a contraceptive IUD, which performs some sort of women's-stuff-witchcraft that prevents pregnancy for up to five years -- assuming it doesn't manage to perforate your uterus, a common problem thanks to the nice, sharp point. The first indication is a condition referred to as "Breakthrough Bleeding", which could possibly lead to sterility (It's a bad idea to insert an object with a sharp point into your vagina and leave it there for up to five years? Who woulda thunk it?). And that's when Mirena isn't causing acne, mood changes, weight gain, and ovarian cysts. Yep, now that you can screw without having to worry about getting pregnant, she'll be ever-so-much-more attractive with all that extra weight, acne and the mood swings. Yessirrreeee, can't hardly wait! And why would you want all of this? Well, as the website says, Mirena "Eliminates the need to interrupt sex for contraception or [to] seek partner compliance ."

I had no idea that this was so pervasive a problem in Suburban America that a pharmaceutical company was forced to spend several hundred million dollars to research and market a drug to fix it! Mirena is fairly cost-effective -- so long as it doesn't kill you or render you barren -- at $260.00 per treatment. You can see the perky, above-average-cutie used to market this crap here.

3. Nexium - this is an oldie-but-goodie, and a new generation of commercials has been made to extol the virtues of the Healing Purple Pill. Nexium is prescribed for what's known now as "Acid Reflux Disease" which used to be known simply as "Stuffing Your Fat Face Until You Almost Vomit and Get Severe Heartburn". I once suffered from the dreaded Acid Reflux Disease -- but that's because my diet almost completely consisted of Hooter's Hot wings, Burritos, Jalapeno peppers right-out-the-jar, truckloads of Chinese food, and Pizza-and-vodka-three times a week, all washed down with between 6 and 10 cups of coffee a day. (I'm not kidding; one evening, I was awoken by the most severe burning sensation I have ever felt, only to throw up what appeared to be pure, undigested hot sauce). No sooner did I stop eating that way than did the Acid Reflux Disease cease and desist. But no, I guess some people need a little help because giving up spicy-greasy food is too difficult for them. They need help with impulse control. Now, Nexium is great for curing your severe heartburn, but it'll fuck you up in other ways: breathing problems, chest pain or tightness which might be mistaken for the symptoms of a heart attack, swelling of the lips and tongue, fatigue, diarrhea or constipation (I wonder if what happens if you manage to get both at the same time?), dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, severe gas which will make you either very uncomfortable -- or very lonely. Most of the damage of "acid reflux disease" can be avoided if you just make an effort to change you eating habits, but this is America, and so it has to be a syndrome which absolves us of all moral responsibilility, because we're all such pussies.

Avgerage Cost is about $75 for a 30-day supply, but if you ask me, antacids and a change of diet sound far cheaper, and don't require $500,00-for-a-30-second ad three-to-five-times-a-day.

4. Prestiq - this is another anti-depressant, a category of drugs that I like to refer to as Suicide Pills. It's been my experience that depression is usually the result of expecting far too much out of life and then being continually disappointed. Having been treated for it for many years, I can promise you that people who are depressed usually start out as idealistic individuals, with sunny dispositions and a eagerness for life that is often steadily eroded by experience. But no, some assholes with "PhD" behind their name insist that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, the very organ that medical science knows the least about. And that the only way to "cure" it is to pump people full of drugs. Like this one, which have questionable efficacy. Possible side effects: increased risk of suicide (go figure!), agitation, hostility, aggression, impulsive actions (yes, giving in to your impulses always works wonders when you're depressed!). Make sure you don't take aspirin with this drug because you might bleed to death internally, and most certainly take care when driving or operating heavy machinery -- especially if you're in one of those aggressive, hostile moods, or when you suddenly get more suicidal than "normal". If that wasn't bad enough, you can look forward to severe constipation, dizziness, increased sweating and loss of appetite, all of which willmake you feel much happier, I'm sure. All this for only $130.00 a month.

There was no commercial available for this piece of crap.

5. Symbicort - This is a drug that's supposed to help people with breathing problems...unless you have Asthma. An interesting note -- there's a ton of literature available on what happens to people taking anti-depressants who take Symbicort as well, and guess what? It ain't pretty. Considering how many people are taking anti-depressants nowadays, I'm not surprised there's that much literature on seemingly-unrelated problems. Anyways, if you take Symbicort, you might breathe easier but you'll be trading in your shortness of breath for these exciting door prizes; skin rashes, itching, hives, swelling of the face, lips and tongue, unspecified other "breathing problems" (huh? I thought it was supposed to cure "breathing problems"), changes in vision (I can breathe! But now I'm blind!), chest pain, rapid or irregular heartbeats, fainting, fevers, high blood pressure, "nervousness" (ah, now I see where they figured out it doesn't work with anti-depressants!), tremors, white patches or sores in the mouth. Nothing like getting sores in your mouth! If that wasn't worth the price of admission, you can look forward to these additional side effects, too: damaged taste buds, coughing, diarrhea (why is it that everything causes diarrhea?), headaches, sore throats, stuffy nose and upset stomachs. Average Cost is about $70 for the 120-dose "Turbo-inhaler!" which sounds more like a ride at an amusement park.

But I guess it beats having to drag an oxygen tank around with you, huh?

No TV commercial was available on YouTube for this one, either.

6. Triilipix - now this one was fascinating! Trilipix is a drug which reduces LDL (the bad cholesterol) and increased HDL (the good cholesterol). It'll also help you get a grip on triglycerides -- nasty little fatty proteins that float around in your bloodstream and fuck up your arteries. Trilipix is often used in combination with a class of drugs called Statins, which block the enzyme that causes your liver to produce cholesterol (I think something like 60-70% of the cholesterol in your body is made by your own liver). The medical science says that if you can manage the amount of "bad" cholesterol and triglycerides simultaneously in the body, you can prevent heart attacks, strokes, atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). All well-and-fine, however, these drugs have some very nasty side effects, mostly centered on the destruction of your liver; this is why they require regular blood tests and medical exams. You'll be in the lab for a test or in the doctor's office at least three times a month, which gets quite expensive. Other side-effects include: muscle pain and weakness which somehow can lead to kidney damage -- and which is often fatal. You will most certainly be dehydrated because of the constant flow of diarrhea, that's when you aren't doubled over in pain because your pancreas and gallbladder are now fucked up. You can also look forward to headaches and frequent heartburn. I've just traded a heart attack for potentially lethal kidney, liver, pancreas and gallbladder issues, with diarrhea on top of it? Yeah, that's sounds like a good deal to me! Average cost was $130.00 for a month's supply.

Couldn't find a commercial for this one, either.


7. Yaz - This one scared the fertilizer out of me, and I'm a guy. I saw this one advertised online. Yaz is yet another birth control pill -- the hip, swingin' new birth control pill with the "with it" name -- that screams "today's youth!". That's when it's not being used to treat simple acne. But Yaz claims to be different! It was originally claimed that it treated a "syndrome" called "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder" which used to be simply known as "the Bitch is on the Rag" syndrome. That's mood swings, bloating, cramping, and the infamous "not tonight, I have a headache" routine . Later on, the FDA required the makers of Yaz to make several "Clarification Commercials" about Yaz and what it was good for -- which actually confused the shit out of me even more when I watched them. Anyways, we used to have a word for women whose "physical and emotional disorder" got that far out of hand, and it wasn't considered a "syndrome" -- it begins with the letter "C" and will get you slapped in polite company. So, I guess Yaz is the miracle, "anti-Bitch" pill men have always hankered for, with the added benefit that you can plow her like a Buffalo parking lot in January and not have her get all lumpy and misshapen...and what do they call that again? Oh yeah, pregnant. Yaz might also increase blood potassium to fatal levels, Ladies, and increases the risk for heart attack and stroke. You can also look forward to upper respiratory infections, vaginal moniliasis (a nasty form of yeast infection), puking, dysmenorrhea (severely painful menstruation), urinary tract infection, unspecified "accidental injury", sinusitis, hyperbolic mood swings, "suspicious" Pap smears, weight gain, depression (Hey, you can take Prestiq now! Good for you!), menstrual disorders, and weakness/fatigue.

Just in case those weren't good enough for you, some women can look forward to these exciting side-effects, recorded during clinical trials:

* In the contraception trial: leukorrhea (thick, yellowish vaginal discharge. Boy, that's attractive!), diarrhea, vomiting, vaginitis (itchy, flakiy crotch), flu syndrome, yeast infections, allergic reaction, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, (Unspecified-)surgery, back pain, migraine, stomach aches, runny nose, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, sore throats, (unspecified-) skin disorders, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, pain, increased cough, dizziness, pain in extremity, and pelvic pain.

* In the PMDD trials: inter-menstrual bleeding, decreased libido, nervousness, menorrhagia (abnormally-heavy flow), pain in extremity, migraine, vaginitis, hyperlipidemia (increased fats in the bloodstream), back pain, diarrhea, increased appetite, enlarged abdomen, and acne.

* In the acne trials: metrorrhagia (bleeding not associated with menstruation), flu syndrome, menorrhagia, gastroenteritis, tooth disorder, infection, vomiting, pharyngitis, sore throat, joint pain, bronchitis, runny nose, skipped monthlies, and urine abnormality (how would you know? I mean, unless it was green or glowing in the dark, or smelled of something not urine-y?).

I had to look a lot of that shit up just to figure out what most of it was.

Ladies, there's an easier, less-painful and troublesome form of contraceptive that you can use, and you won't need a prescription for it. As an added benefit; rumor has it that it's good for your teeth, too, and it won't cost you about $75 a month. Good Lord, but just reading all that made me glad I don't have a vajay-jay.

And Good Grief, while researching the commercial video, I found that since the original commercial aired for Yaz, the company that makes it has been forced (by the FDA) to follow up with ads that "clarify" the original. Sheesh! Here's the original commercial (modified by someone with a sense of humor, but poor spelling skills) and here's the "Clarification" ad....more than once. Oh, and here's a gag ad, too.

And they call this "medicine"?

Note: You can see previous entries in this series by clicking on the Bad Medicine tag below.