Kentucky Man Sues Doctor Over Amputated Penis...

I can think of no more frightening words for a man than these:

"You have cancer...in your penis..."

Let's face it: there isn't a man alive who would not, if given the choice, rather stare down 1,000 vicious Taliban fighters armed with nothing more than a wet noodle (oh no you didn't!) and a smile, than to hear that his beloved Johnson had become nothing but a deadly tumor hanging between his thighs.

Which brings us to the next question: if a doctor told you that in order to save your life he had to amputate  your Willy, do you think you could live with the result?

Apparently, the answer for one man was a resounding "Hell NO!". Because he's suing the doctor who probably saved his life by removing his Babymaker before it killed him.

ObamaCare in One Sentence...

Video of a real-life doctor summing up ObamaCare in ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.

Pass it on!

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses A Uterus...

The California Senate, led by democrats, of course, has just rammed through a bill that would allow certain categories of healthcare providers -- without an actual medical license -- to perform abortions on demand.

According to one of the democrats who championed this bit of idiocy, Senator Christine Kehoe (Dipshit, San Diego) this lowering of standards is necessary because "there aren't enough people performing abortions in California".

Now, I happen to agree with the Senator on this point: there should be more people in California performing abortions, and they should be concentrating on the highly-lucrative, retroactive sort that targets Democratic State Senators.

Fibromyalgia is Bullshit...

Yesterday's July 4th celebrations saw your intrepid blogger trapped in a party he didn't wish to attend with a guest list that included six -- that's one more than five, one less than seven -- gay men, all more-or-less in a "committed relationship", which to judge from the openly frank exchange of sexual innuendo would seem to indicate that "committed" means something to gay men that it doesn't mean to the rest of us.

But that is not the point of this little screed, so I shall leave the unsavory details for another post later today.

Anyways, apparently all the rage in Gay Circles these days is to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Girls Will Be Boys and Boys Will Be Girls...

10-yr old Australian boy to get Sex-change "therapy".

You know, if you want to have your privates mutilated, it's not a lifestyle choice or a matter of feelings; it's a fucking mental disorder. Finding ways and excuses to allow people to mutilate themselves (free-of-charge, too) is not 'therapy'; it's insanity. And if you've ever wondered just why the medical community hasn't yet found cures for AIDS, cancer or malaria, it is probably, in part, because vital medical resources are being wasted trying to figure out how to turn vaginas into penises, and vice-versa.

The amount of money this sort of unnatural and medically-unnecessary transformation eats up, from beginning to end -- what with the drugs, the hormone treatments, the surgeries, not to mention the life-long mental health 'support' regime -- is presumably enormous. I'm guessing that if someone were to add it all up, for the expense of granting one demented douchebag -- probably prodded into it by his whackadoo Mother, in the first place -- his Cinderella fantasy, the Australian government could probably provide treatment for four or five cancer victims, if not more.

Worse, once the process is completed (i.e. post-surgical mutilation) it's not exactly reversible, so tough shit if you change your mind when it's all said-and-done.

The following quotes from the article are complete and total bullshit:

"The court heard that Jamie saw herself as a "freak" and a "girl in a boy's body," and had first identified as a girl when she was a toddler."

How many toddlers do you know who are capable of making that determination all on their lonesome, let alone would remember having done so? Is this scientifically possible? Has any reputable scientist studied this phenomenon? Did anyone even fucking check?

"At the moment Jamie can live comfortably as a girl, is socially confident and suffers no teasing or social isolation."

Yeah...riiiight. I don't know what planet these people live on, but here on Earth children the world over are beastly little swine who just can't wait to tease, ostracize, and beat up other children they find weird. It's just what they do. My guess is that this child never goes out to play, has few friends, and probably lives in a hermetically-sealed bubble at home.

This is child abuse, plain and simple. That it is being sanctioned by the Australian government is absolutely astounding.

Without knowing all the particulars, I wouldn't doubt for a second that the kid's mother, disappointed at not producing a baby girl, put this idea into his head or at least decided while he was young to ignore biology and treat him as a her for the sake of her own misguided preferences. Been known to happen. I'd sterilize this 'mother' before she breeds again. It might be the one thing that saves some poor, future child's sanity, and maybe even his life.

In the meantime, we discover that Australia's neighbor, Malaysia, simply sends boys who display feminine tendencies to special camps in order to butch them up. In an Islamically-approved way, of course. The only problem with this, though, is that the people who judge which boys are deemed to be in need of rectification are members of a religion which sanctions sheep-shagging and gang rape, and is part of a greater culture which is notorious for higher-than-average rates of male-on-male sexual assault.

Islamic Madrassas are infamous dens of male rape, you know. How else do you get them into the proper frame of mind to fly an airliner into an office building? When creating future generations of terrorists you need to first destroy their self-esteem and will to live, and endemic poverty, unemployment, sexual frustration and denial of basic human freedoms can only get you so far, you know. I'll bet that on page one of every terrorist in Gitmo's dossier, it's stamped in red: Raped By Imam/Terrorist Recruiter. Send 'em to a camp where sexually-frustrated males (all Muslim men are sexually-frustrated, you know) who live in a culture where male-on-male rape is endemic and systemic on the off-chance that you can 'save' them from homosexuality? Sounds like 66 Islamocally-approved sexual assaults just waiting to happen, if you ask me.

All of this leads me to a very interesting question, however. Assuming the Muslim kids won't be raped by their 'counselors' (it could happen), which approach to building healthy and happy children makes more sense to you: a government-sanctioned medical board deciding to spring for hormone therapy for a10-year old boy so that he can one day -- maybe -- grow tits that won't work, and have his tallywhacker reshaped into a facsimile of a vagina -- that likewise won't work -- or sending kids to a 4-day camp/seminar where someone can give them some advice and counselling, and probably provide a manly role model or two?

I hate to have to admit it, but the Exploding Sheep-Shaggers may just have this one right.

F*ck Feelings...

A new blog (in the sense that I'd never heard of it before), is F*ck Feelings.

Thanks to Conservative in The Closet for turning me on to this. It's not only a laugh riot, but it leads me to believe that if only more so-called Mental Health Professionals were as blunt, direct and honest with their patients, there'd be less mental health issues, and we could take 500 or so ersatz despression "cures" -- the ones that will only merely delay,or perhaps even expedite your eventual suicide -- off the market. It might even reduce healthcare costs.

I'm adding F*ck Feelings to the blogroll.

And speaking of C-in-C, you really should stop by her site, too. Because she's fucking brilliant!

The Things You See in A Hospital...

One of the reasons why I haven't been around to spew my usual caustic bullshit (and why the caustic bullshit I did manage to spew was, in my opinion, of poor quality due to a lack of attention to detail) is that my mother has had a kneee replacement operation...finally.

I say "finally" because the operation was postponed once, having supposed to have been done Tuesday morning, but for the surgeon calling in sick. Well, in any case, it was finally done this morning, and having spent the better part of the last two weeks hanging around New York University Hospital for Joint Diseases, I've managed to make a number of interesting observations.

By the way, as I list these observations I wish to make one thing crystal clear; the people at NYU have been nothing short of brilliant professionals in all of their dealings with my mother and myself. The level of dedication displayed by the Staff --including the administrators, and right down to the security guards and facilities guys -- has been a wonder to behold. They have really gone above and beyond in a way that one would not expect, if one believed the horror stories told about our"Broken Health Care System" as told by by a communist in sheep's clothing...errr...democrat.

I can, with complete confidence, predict the following;

When ObamaCare is finally implemented this level of quality service, covered by insurance -- private or Medicare -- will simply cease to exist.

Anyways, my observations....

The first one is the absolutly amazing amount of paperwork that one must do at each stage of the process before treatment can even begin. The Legal System seems to have made a concerted effort to innundate the Medical System with a deluge of paper that would make an ardent environMENTAList cry at the thought of all those sacrificed trees. It isn't just the usual range of CYA liability waivers, either; living wills, power-of-attorneys, HIPA documents, scads of disclaimer forms, treatment options that must be individually approved (all with their own range of all the other paperwork), organ donor forms, insurance forms, compliance forms, various releases, Medicare forms, and stuff I never even knew existed. All of it in triplicate, naturally.

I remember someone once telling me that closing on a house entailed your having to write a few hundred signatures. That's Bush League; try all the signatures necessary just to have your own blood siphoned off and stored for the operation...just in case it's needed. That alone entailed a stack of documents a quarter-inch thick.

Now imagine what happens when your surgery is rescheduled, and the 14,000 sheets of paper sacrificed are now invalid because they're dated incorrectly...and they have to be filled in all over again. Even your medical chart consists of enough paper to choke a woodchipper running on nitrous, and there's already a PC next to your bed where the same information is being entered, it has to be put on paper, too (paper, after all, doesn't break or require electricity). Somehow, I get the feeling that most of this is not so much medical necessity as legal make-work. I mean, after you've done you job and chased the ambulance, you might as well stick around for what happens next, just in case you can make another shyster buck, right?

Do you really think that sort of tangled, impenetrable (to me, anyway) sort of bureacracy is going to somehow go the way of the brontosaur when President Odickhead has his Eyedrops-and-BandAid rationing system fully operational? I'll bet it fucking doubles, easily, because there will be another three layers of rubber-stamp bureaucrats to employ at taxpayer expense, and more lawyers. Somehow, the people who have to keep track of all this paper manage to do so in a way I find amazing; I've spent my life trying to get computers to do what these people do (so that they don't have to, and thus, can be made redundant...and unemployed), and I'm telling you there is just no way thatyou can easily automate that sort of system short of a major investment in IT and software engineers that might signify a crippling investment for most hospitals.

If you expect the government to design such an automated system, it would cost three times as much, rely on carbon paper, crayons and cave paintings, probably require at least three chickens killed in a voodoo beastiality ritual, and be engineered in Mumbai, and fail miserably to the point where it would actually kill people.

My next observation has to do with the difference between the quality of Staff at a Private Institution (like NYU) and a public one (like a hospital run by New York City). I've been in city run hospitals before (and I have to admit, the better ones; I've never been in a hospital that serves the Urban Aboriginies...errr...lower-income community, for example), and the difference is Night and Day.

The NURSES were able to answer my questions about specifics, like the medications my mother would be taking, her physical therapy requirements, and made an effort to update me on her condition after surgery approximately every 90 minutes. If the first nurse I was dealing with wasn't available, another one stepped right in seemlessly. They were knowlegable, they were dilligent, they gave a shit. Not like the union hacks at the City-run hospitals, and while I have to admit some of those came close to the NYU nursing staff, the number of those was very small, indeed.

My mother's anesthesiologist and orthopeadic surgeon (Doctor Zuckerman, the Chairman of the Department!) both spoke to us before and after the operation and layed out every stage of the proceedure from start to finish,and answered every question, no matter how stupid. In fact, Doc Zuckerman even cancelled his vacation to stick around this weekend, since he had had to reschedule her procedure earlier in the week, and he's already -- not 8 hours after surgery was completed -- answered a page from my sister to answer HER dumb questions, too. Cheerfully, no less.

I wonder how that will work when ObamaCare makes every nurse and doctor little better than a Teamster?

Another observation; surgeons apparently smoke. An awful lot. When they had some time between patients, you could find a small knot of them across the street from the hospital enjoying a quick cigarette. I guess it's one way they deal with the stress attendant with screwing with people's insides, and at least they're not in the local bars when they have the time. You'll also find the surgical staff out there having a ciggie as time permits, too. Not all, mind you, but a fair number.

Take THAT Mayor Bloomberg! If you had your way, cigarettes would be banned, and those doctors -- the best in New York City -- would be across the street in Stuyvesant Park scoring crack, wouldn't they?

Another thing that I found incredible was the clientele. We're talking people with all sorts of maladies from a torn ACL, degenerative arthritis to shattered spines...and all of them seem to come and go from the hospital with smiles on their faces. I have seen a woman in a wheelchair regularly over the last week, whose spine is deformed in such a way that she sits in that chair like a folded ruler. Her chin, literally, hovers above her feet. She was singing to herself this afternoon (on HER smoke break!) and told me how much better she's gotten since she started going to NYU for her treatments and therapy...rather than the crummy old Veteran's Administration hospital she used to go to (as I understand it, she was involved in a vehicular accident while on active duty).

I can't imagine what sort of care our troops are getting at the VA if a woman in that bad a condition can find it in herself to sing in the process of what I gather will be a very long ordeal of repeated surgeries and various therapies. It's the hospital, she tells me; they do things no one else can, and the people there care about their patients, and their reputations. Heck, within 3 hours of surgery this morning, they already had my mother up on her new replacement knee trying to walk. If she had been in a City hospital, they would probably leave her lying in bed until she was a mass of sores.

If ever there was an example of just how outrageously good our medical system is -- despite all the obstacles, the hassles, the stupid and petty regulations -- NYU Hospital for Joint Diseases is it. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has a bum hip, knee, genetic defect, disability or was the victim of a cruel accident. These last two weeks have been an education in dedication and skill.

This is the EXACTLY the reason why ObamaCare needs to be strangled in the cradle.

Thank you, NYU!

Yet More Bad Medicine...

I watch entirely too much television, but then again, I have far too much free time on my hands.

One of the things I find most entertaining about television these days are the wall-to-wall advertisements for prescription drugs and over-the-counter supplements that take up about one-quarter of the broadcasting day. What I find entertaining about them is that they usually follow a familiar format:

Scene: Two splendidly-preserved Baby Boomers are enjoying their ideal active retirement. They seem to be enjoying themselves more than people who don't snort cocaine regularly do in real life. Then, the Voice Over Lady chimes in, and begins to tell us all about the devastating malady (usually on the order of hangnail, vaginal/scrotal dryness, smelly feet, wrinkles or Old Lady Mothball Smell) that keeps one of those Boomers from achieving her (it's usually a Her) dream of conquering Everest, learning the cello, or fucking like a mink.

Only, the medical complaint Voiceover Lady is yacking about is usually not all that big a deal. In days past, people suffering from this minor malady simply "sucked it up", or chalked their discomfort up to "getting older". But Baby Boomers think they should be able to live forever, free of complaint, and at someone else's expense, and with their sexual potency intact (see: Medicare, ObamaCare).

Anyways, the commercial very quickly degenerates from Hippie Bob and Mary's slight physical impairment (usually only 10 seconds on the disease in question), and becomes a laundry list of warnings, listing of side effects, and godawful effects of the drug in question, that you begin to wonder just why anyone in his right fucking mind would take this dangerous-sounding pill. And then you laugh.

Unless you're me -- and then you do a little research to ensure that's what being sold as the fountain of youth and the cure to all that ails you, is all that. I've done a bunch of these, and you can read them by simply hitting the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of the post.

This time, we're looking at a bullshit arthritis "cure", yet another statin drug, a couple of over-the-counter "remedies" for your stomach, and a drug that deals with pain you only imagine you feel. So, here you go:

1. Arthri-D - Glucosamine and "Key Plant Extracts" (including frankincense -- if it was good enough for Jesus...) many herbal fillers, and Vitamin D3. It claims to "enhance your diet...and your life!", and is sold as the answer to your creaking, arthritic joints. It's a nutritional supplement of dubious value, and has not been tested in regards to ANY malady, whatsoever.

It's selling point seems to be that if you take this, your arthritis will be magically cured, although they take great pains not to guarantee that claim, in extremely small print, on the website. Oh, and the other selling point is that Arthri-D3 is made right here in the good 'ol USA in a "superior manufacturing facility that adheres to the highest quality standards".

Okay, so I guess that makes it the highest-quality crap you can waste your money on. Don't take it if you're allergic to seafood, as you will probably explode like a Palestinian on a public bus.Otherwise, the company that makes Arthri-D3 is being investigated by the FTC, and has a chief executive who has had to -- allegedly -- change his name at least once. You can't even find out how much this stuff costs unless you call the 24-hour hotline to order it. You can see the "infomercial" (running on heavy rotation on Fox Business channel on weekends) at the Arthri-D website.

2. Crestor - an oldie-but-goodie, Crestor is once again being heavily flogged on television, which kinda sucks, except for the Patrick Stewart voiceover.

This is another statin drug which is supposed to help you regulate your cholesterol levels. I've taken statin drugs in the past, and I'm convinced that they work by simply giving you the kind of explosive diarrhea one normally associates with Mexico, ensuring that nothing you eat has time to actually stick around long enough to put any extra cholesterol into your system. After that, all statins do something strange to your liver (which produces 70% of all your cholesterol all by itself), that requires monthly blood tests and physician visits, which get annoying and frequent enough for you to believe that having the heart attack you're trying to avoid just might be a better and cheaper option, after all.

If you take Crestor you can look forward to the following side-effects besides the crippling, dehydrating diarrhea that will ruin your life by making it impossible for you to be any more than a quick sprint from a toilet at any time: persistent headaches, abdominal pain, weakness, persistent nausea, elevated blood sugar levels (so that you can trade high cholesterol for diabetes!), myalgia (muscle pains), asthenia, myopathy, rhabdomyalisys (breakdown of skeletal muscle), myglobinaria (too much myoglobin in your kidneys, leading to renal failure), and a host of unspecified skeletal/muscle-related issues.

See the website for details. Crestor will set you back about $150.00 for a month's supply of 20mg pills. If you take 40mg dosages, you can expect to pay nearly $200.00, and have all of the side-effects listed above at about twice-the-intensity.

3. Digestive Advantage - this is an over-the-counter product being sold as a treatment option for those with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), although it bills itself as a "Medical Food Product" on it's website, whatever that means.

Actually, all it is is something like Milk of Magnesia with some "All Natural" additives -- and a higher price. The gist behind this "Medical Food" is that most treatments for IBS don't work because the active ingredients never make it into your intestines -- where all the good stuff happens. Those other medications are all used up or mostly wasted after they enter your stomach, destroyed by contact with stomach acids, and so that you get no relief from your painful, bloody pooping and uber-menstrual-like cramps. Digestive Advantage basically puts Milk of Magnesia into a super, bullet-proof capsule that won't break down as quickly in your stomach acids, and so it is hoped, allow a little more medicine to be delivered to your lower intestine, where all that nasty IBS shit (no pun intended) happens.

The two biggest risk factors for IBS are diet and emotional state, although there are some for whom this is not always the case. Instead of taking medicines and "Medical Food Products" most people who suffer from IBS would probably benefit more from a change in diet and learning how to chill out. But then you wouldn't have the opportunity to pay for this Crap that Helps You Crap, would you?

As a society, we're now more focused on our bowels than we ever have been before, which I guess is better than our previous pre-occupation with our genitals, and we're now seeing all sorts of medications, "Medical Food Products" and contrivances hitting the market which are ensuring that your digestive system and poop chute run like the finest Swiss Watch. The Baby-Boomer generation that was once obsessed with the Erection is now Obsessed with it's Feces, just as Freud predicted, and the American pharmaceutical industry is working feverishly to meet the demand!

Who says Capitalism is dead?

The only major side effect seems to be a dramatic increase in flatulence, which might get you tagged as a threat to Mother Gaia by any committed Tree Hugger, and an occasional oily spotting in your undies. These might cause you severe embarrassment in public settings, but it's better than bloody, painful turds and torn, irritated hemorrhoids, isn't it?

You'll be happy to know that the makers of Digestive Advantage also make Gas, Daily Constipation and Lactose "Defense" formulas. Oh, joy! An entire product line devoted to your tushy!

4. Gas-X Protection- a lovely little over-the-counter supplement that will help defend you against the embarrassing and uncomfortable effects of excessive stomach gas, "with unbeatable speed". The selling point here is the terrible embarrassment that people with severe gas will often suffer; as the website advertisement is simply loaded with overwrought references to the public approbation, social isolation, and mental consequences of excessive flatulence. According to the website, your flatulence can "consume your mind, distracting you from what you are doing -- making you feel helpless". Frankly, I've never heard of anyone being so consumed by the fear of farting that they develop social anxiety disorders or ADD, so I'm a bit leary of that claim.

In fact, if you're a perpetual adolescent -- like me -- you find flatulence incredibly funny, and you love to share it. There's no joke yet devised by man that provides as much laughter as a good butt whistle, so far as I'm concerned. Why, the flatus is perhaps mankind's greatest invention: you can share it with your friends for free, it always makes someone in the room laugh, and even the deaf can join in the fun! Be that as it may, however, there are some people, for whom this is not true.

Killjoys!

Thankfully, for all of us Overgrown Children in love with the Fart, all that fun-killing, gas-stopping tomfoolery comes at a cost: you can expect massive cramps whenever you use Gas-X Prevention. Something on the order of birth-contraction-type pain, I'm led to understand. If that wasn't enough of a reason to avoid this stuff, you can also anticipate all the time you'll have to sit around and think of newer and more descriptive adjectives to put in front of the word "diarrhea" -- which is what you'll get with every dose. That's if you can manage to avoid the following: rash, hives, itching, difficult breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face or tongue. All this gas-free happiness for about $40 a box.

It's almost better to just let one rip in the elevator every once in while and just deal with the embarrassment.

5. Lyrica - This is a drug prescribed for people with varying sorts of nerve pain, usually related to diabetes and shingles, but just as often for pain resulting from fybromyalgia, which I gather is a fancy term for "pain which your doctor cannot explain by scientific means". I've known two people with fybromyalgia, both resulting from injuries suffered during automobile accidents, and I'm convinced that their "pain" is no pain at all, but rather a dependence on the opiates they were given to relieve the real discomfort of their long-ago-healed injuries. They feel phantom pains which justifies the continued prescriptions for painkillers. One woman I know required methadone treatments to wean her off the vast array of painkillers she was given. Lyrica is also given to epileptics to prevent seizures.

Side effects of Lyrica include: swelling of the face, lips, gums, mouth, throat, neck and tongue, trouble breathing or swallowing, rashes, hives and blisters of an unspecified sort. You might also experience dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, muscle pain (hey, I thought this was supposed to make pain disappear?), blurry vision, swelling of the hands and feet, and what the website describes as "feeling high", and of course, quite persistent diarrhea. Everything about modern medicine, it seems, now causes diarrhea. People who take Lyrica to control epileptic seizures can also look forward to mood swings, an increase in suicidal thoughts, and amazingly for a medicine that is thought to control them, an increased frequency of seizures(so why take it all, if you're an epileptic?).

Lyrica will set you back about $200.00 for a month's supply. You could almost afford the drug treatment program to wean you off the over-prescribed opiates you were given for your whiplash for that kind of money.

I'm currently investigating another 10 or 11 of these drugs, over-the-counter medicines and other dopey shit that are being advertised heavily these days. I'll be posting about them real soon, promise!

You People Are Sick...

I really must thank Blogger. For while getting money that you've earned for posting Blogads may be a task on par with the Labors of Hercules, they at least have provided me with a nifty set of webtools that have provided several hours of unbridled entertainment.

I think I've mentioned this before: Blogger now provides some web analysis tools for it's bloggers that allows them access to certain kinds of information about their readers/visitors. So, I can tell where a visitor to this website comes from (country of origin), how they got here (search engine, crosslink from another website), and what search terms they used to eventually get here.

This information more than makes up in entertainment value whatever cash Blogger still owes me, but makes impossible to collect; keep it! I haven't laughed this hard or this much in years, and the laughter probably has a better therapeutic value than all the cash in the world! I've also puked more than any anorexic ever could, and have shed a pound or two.

Screw Jenny Craig; if you want to shed some pounds, checkout what some excuses for human beings are doing on the internet!

Some of this is just plain disturbing. Having access to some of this information makes me wonder about the future of the human race, and quite frankly, about whether or not this planet would be better off without us, or at least a few selected segments of the population.

The militant tree huggers just might be on to something...

To illustrate: the top search term (what you type into Google or Bing that might point you to this page) seems to be "donkeysexe". Let me assure you; this is not a typo. At first, I thought it might have been, but it isn't because it occurs far too often for it be an accident. Then I dug a little deeper (yeah, the thought of digging deeper into the realm of "donkeysexe" scared me, too), and what do you think I found?

The majority of the people who search the web for "donkeysexe" and arrive at this page come from...wait for it...the Middle East. Except for that truly disturbed person in Lichtenstein, and the obviously-undersexed asshole in Medicine Hat, the majority of the donkeysexe requests came from Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Dubai, and Turkey. The reason it's spelled the way it is, is probably because the Islamic censors in those countries have filtered the probably-more-accurate term "donkeysex", and the addition of the extra "e" spoofs the filters.

Now, having used the term at least 10 times in this screed, I can most likely expect far more visits from members of the "Pro-Human/Burro Relationships Community".

I wasn't even going to type the term in myself, just to see what this was all about, because, quite frankly, Ive heard the tales of drunken Spring Break vacations in Tijuana, and I don't want to know anything more.

I found this phenomenon both fascinating and disgusting. Fascinating because I have long believed that part of the problem of Islamic terrorism was to be found in sexual problems and dysfunction, and this pretty much proves it,to me at least. It's disgusting in the sense that we have perhaps millions of Islamic douchebags running around with a penchant for bestiality.

The next item on the agenda of "You people are sick" is the search terms "epiduo and low sex drive/low testosterone".

I have written about Epiduo in my Bad Medicine series. It is a skin cream used to treat severe acne. Apparently, it also takes the lead out of your pencil, steals the wind from your sails, and knocks the starch out of your collar. Actually, I don't know if it really does, I just wanted to string together a few metaphors that described impotence.

Anyways, this whole association brought a thought into my head (where it quickly died of loneliness); I cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing anyone walking about lately with the sort of severe acne that was pretty common when I was a kid. I mean, I don't see anyone with that horrific red-purple moon cratering that one of my generation associates with acne. Not a single "Pizza Face". Haven't seen one in years, that I can remember.

One reason may be that because of medications like Epiduo millions have been spared that kind of scarring. But now, come to think of it, the association of acne medication and low sex drive probably contains a far better explanation: there might still be millions of people with acne, but they can't procreate as easily as they used to. Bad Acne is being slowly bred out of the population! Talk about good news/bad news: you're face is now fit to be seen in public, but your pelvis bazooka is on the fritz! Personally, I'd keep the acne, if only to make sure my Wedding Tackle was in proper working order, and besides, women today practically throw pussy at anything with a heartbeat 24 hours a day.

Another disturbing trend: the number of people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to type "douchebag" into a search engine. Several score of you each week, by the look of things. Unfortunately, I'm going to attract this type of person to this site if only because that happens to be one of my favorite derogatory terms, but I would suggest that those of you who find this wildly entertaining perhaps should seek professional help.

You certainly are not going to get any tips about how to recover that feminine sense of "freshness" (wtf, are we talking about a salad or your crotch?) here.

Which brings us to our last "most unusual" search term. For the life of me, I can't figure out how this applies to this website, because I don't think I've ever covered the subject in nearly seven years of blogging. That term is: caught jerking off. Someone is typing that into Google or Ask.com, and arriving here. Several times a day. I think they're leaving sadly disappointed.

I didn't want to, but the opportunity to gain yet another insight into how fucked up people are led me to do a cursory investigation of this topic, and the revelation was disgusting enough to cause my testicles to retract into my chest cavity (waiting for that one to show up in the report next week), as if they were desperately seeking emergency shelter from some great, impending doom.

Apparently, this is a Gay Thing. Gay Men all over the planet are seeking videos in which someone is caught Greasing the Pelican in a public setting, and deriving sexual pleasure from both the act, and the disgust/shame created when they're caught by their unsuspecting witnesses/victims. Personally, I don't see the appeal of Choking the Chicken in your cubicle, Working The Wang on public transport, or standing behind some Dude on line in a McDonald's somewhere with your John Thomas in hand, just praying that these activities will be caught on closed-circuit video, to be dispatched for the deviant entertainment of others across the World-Wide-Web.

If I caught you doing anything like that near me, I'd fucking kill you on the spot. And there isn't a court in the land, I think, that would convict me. Except maybe in San Francisco.

It is difficult to form a positive opinion of one's fellow beings when confronted by documentary evidence of just how truly sick some of you are.

But I have to admit, it's funny as hell.

Just Because it's Natural...

...it's not necessarily safe.

Federal government to examine the supposed health claims of Herbal Supplements.

It's about time, too.

But don't get all excited, like it's some great leap forward for Public Safety; the real reason for this concentrated study is probably to discover whether the claims made by the purveyors of herbal "remedies"are true or not -- in order to regulate and tax these products under the auspices of ObamaCare. Once you have established that ragweed cures shingles, or proven the power of acorns as sexual potency aid, it now becomes possible to classify it as a medicine.

Once something is a medicine, it's use and distribution falls under government regulation. Recently, I've been seeing more and more television adveterising for "Natural" remedies and suppliments, probably as more and more people become unable to afford prescription drugs, or doctors, and seek cheaper and hopefully-just-as-effective treatment options.

The Libtards who push nationalized health care cannot allow people to partake of this treatment option, because if these things really do work, there's really no need to depend upon the government for your healthcare, is there? So, it's better, from the Libtard point-of-view, to ensure that as many homeopathic and natural remedies and suppliments as possible can be classified as medicine, and thus taxed and regulated (and even withheld, if that can be contrived), than it is to let the Retards (i.e. the general population) exercise their judgement and make their own decisions about their own health.

Because the Libtard always thinks she (it's usually a She) knows best what's good for you,and because the government has the right to own your body...unless you want an abortion, of course.

Just Wash Your Balls, Dammit!

You'll be happy to know that $800,000 in U.S. Taxpayer Stimulus Money was spent to teach African men how to properly wash their Wedding Tackle.

The expenditure was considered necessary in order to prevent the spread of AIDS and other STD's.

Some observations:

1. My mother taught me at a very young age to wash my tallywhacker regularly. While this was never presented to me as a way of avoiding chlamydia -- or worse -- it would seem to me to be something so fundamentally obvious to everyone on Planet Earth, that I'm absolutely shocked that it must be taught to anyone via government program.

2. You now know why Africa will always be impoverished and disease-ridden; African men know how to fuck, but apparently not how to wash properly. Countries in which basic hygiene is an obscure and arcane art are countries where progress is next-to-impossible. Without progress, there can be no civilization, let alone it's adjuncts of prosperity and democracy.

3. I'd like to know which Congresscritter got this bit of stupidity into the Porkulus Bill, and then have him or her flogged on national television. The purpose of the Stimulus Bill was to stimulate economic growth in this country and put Americans to work, not to bring the wonder of soap to the...ummm...great unwashed masses. That near-million bucks could have been better used here.

4. I'm personally inclined to let anyone who won't wrap that rascal, or take any of the most basic of preventative actions to protect their personal health, die.

5. I guess bringing the benefits of washing your One-eyed-Moisture-Seeking-Missile frequently is the modern equivalent of the White Man's Burden.

6. Now you know why the country is broke: it is somehow in the vital national interest to spend scads of Taxpayer money in foreign countries to teach a bunch of horny dingbats to keep their Meat Whistle clean. Our political class is a convocation of morons.

7. I will now avoid African women (that's Africa-African) like the plague; I now know what they've been doing, and worse, what they've been doing it with.

From the Ever-expanding "Why Psychiatry is Bullshit" File

Mostly because Sigmund Freud was a sick asshole obsessed with his own feces.

Study: Repressed Memories are a load of Bullshit.

I wonder what all the poor slobs convicted of sex-crimes against children on the basis of "Repressed Memory Expert" testimony will have to say about this?

Even More Bad Medcine...

As you know, I watch a lot of television, and one of the things that I hate about TV nowadays are the constant advertisements for all sort of drugs to treat a barrage of complaints and medical problems that somehow warrented billions in R&D and commercials to treat, but which in days past people simply tolerated. I am especially disturbed by the commercials where the voice-over lady spends half the commercial reciting the list of side-effects that come with taking this Godsend Pill (some of these side effects which will make you wonder about the current state of science, and the masochists who are apparently employed in it' service). I find those commercials to be a) funny, and b) disturbing, and then I get curious and do some research on these things, just to see what sort of a desperate asshole you'd have to be to even consider taking some of these drugs.

You can read everything in this series by clicking on the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of the page.

Recently, there has been an increase in the number of "holistic" or"natural" cures for everything from bad breath to brain tumors on screen, although the usual big-ticket prostate or osteoporosis drug still makes an appearance. The big selling point for these patent medicines is that they do not require a doctor's prescription. I think the increase in the ads for non-traditional and non-prescription stuff is a direct response to ObamaCare; people are looking for options that don't involve dealing with doctors and insurance companies. That may not be smart, but it is kind of easy to fall into the "It's all natural and has no side-effects" trap, and take something you think is helpful and harmless but which might not be either.

This week, my television poured forth a shitload of drivel about New Age Medicine, Psychology-and-drug-based weight-loss disguised as a diet plan, and weight-loss "secrets" that makes me despair of Mankind ever returning to any worthwhile endeavor. Without further ado, I give you:

1. Alli -an over-the-counter weight-loss aid. It's selling point is that Alli is "FDA-approved". Then again, the FDA has also approved drugs that have killed and caused birth defects, so why this should mean much of anything is beyond me.

Alli claims to be able to help you "break the cycle of emotional eating" where people use food as a drug to assuage what is basically a range of psychological problems. We're all familiar with the term "comfort food", a concept which recently has been under attack in many culinary and nutritional circles as bad juju, because these foods are often rich in sugar, saturated fats, "bad" carbs, salt and high-calorie. Modern psychological theory about many people's eating habits (and the stigma of gross obesity) pretty much begins with the view that we're all mentally-damaged goods (the better to sell you Zoloft), and that these innate mental illnesses cause us to eat the whole fucking pint of Chunky Monkey instead of stopping at a reasonable, human portion.

If you take Alli -- and follow the complimentary diet plan -- you'll supposedly lose 50% more weight -- and your psychological baggage will melt away with the pounds, too! -- than would be the case by simple dieting and exercise alone. Alli will -- it's never explained how -- put you in a "happier state of mind" that will help you to stop binging on Devil Dogs and Oreos, you Fat, Mentally-Deficient Bastard. How does Alli achieve this remarkable feat? Well, the Alli website doesn't actually say HOW the stuff works -- it only says that it'll block some of the fats you ingest from entering your system. Many statin drugs do this too, by making certain that anything you eat doesn't actually stick around long enough to affect your waistline. What Alli really seems to be selling is an online eating re-education program along with a super-laxative that'll make you shit like a shark; it makes claims and assumptions about your mental state that it doesn't even bother to back up on it's own website, and that most "mental health professionals" wouldn't attempt without at least two office visits.

According to this article, Alli really works by embarrassing the hell out of you whenever you stray from the plan. So, now you can go from solving the problems of emotional eating to a fear of shitting yourself in public as a weight-loss program. Under different circumstances, this sort of thing might see someone convicted of deliberately inflicting gross psychological harm upon another. Fifty dollars a month will also buy you severe vitamin deficiencies, and the dreaded problem of "oily spotting" in your undies. This video was quite informative about the side effects. Alli then has the nerve,incidentally, to call this all "a revolution in weight loss".

2. Australian Dream - I find it peculiar that a product called "Australian Dream" should have been invented by a Redneck. This is a topical cream which is used by those who seek relief from Arthritis, sore muscles and the aches and pains of what used to be called "Getting Old". The commercial is aimed at Baby Boomers, and makes no bones about it, so they at least get some points for honesty.

The selling point is that Australian Dream is not as harsh as some liniments which are Capsacian-based. Capsacian is the main ingredient in chilli peppers. If I have this right, Capsacian works by triggering a histamine response -- the release of natural anti-inflammatories -- into the body. This is why your eyes water and your nose runs when you eat peppers. These histamines then go to work on expanding your capillaries and veins, increasing blood flow and getting some white blood cells into the inflamed area to help defeat infections and speed healing. Increased blood flow is a major component of pain relief (see: Aspirin).

Australian Dream doesn't use Capsacian because, a) it often smells, and b) it often results in discoloration of the skin in the affected area (redness and swelling). So, really what Australian Dream seems to be selling is that you can get the pain relief you need without the embarrassing smells and unattractive welts associated with most over-the-counter analgesic cremes, which is exactly what self-absorbed, horny Baby Boomers -- all hopped up on Viagra and Hormone Replacements -- really want! Those welts and smells are a definite turn-off, and there's already enough obstacles to sex-after-60.

Does Australian Dream work? Who the fuck knows? I couldn't find many complaints online, and I didn't find much in the way of really bad side effects (except for people who may have severe allergies -- all that histamine may be bad for you). But, at $29.95 for a 4-ounce jar, you could probably get the same effect with cheaper Vitamin B, store-brand ibuprofen or plain, old aspirin, if you can't stand the smell of Ben Gay. Unlike many of the drugs I rail about here, this one might actually work -- if you have money to burn.

3. Celedrin - I was very wary about posting this one. This is another patent medicine, sold over-the-counter. Celdarin says it's provides relief for those with arthritis and various sorts of joint pain, by providing a lot of fatty acids that "lubricate" your cell membranes and joints. The reason I was wary of it is because the website is full of claims that are contained within "quotation marks" and usually followed by many an asterisk. This is a warning sign that the infamous statement "This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease" is sure to follow, and as sure as Muslims mutilate their daughter's private parts, it most certainly did.

What's in it? Well, there's a lot of talk on the website about "innovative, targeted and proprietary cetylated fatty acid esters and other active synergists" that was just a bit too thick for me to bother looking up just what the heck that all actually means, but it appears to imply that the active ingredient is simple fish oil. But, finding complaints about Celadrin wasn't quite as difficult as wading through euphemisms for "fish oil" was. You'll also be happy to know that Celadrin is the favored drug amongst veterinarians treating dogs with hip dysplasia and arthritis, too. Hey, if it's good enough for Fido...

As for the complaints (which were many!) most seem to revolve around unwanted hair growth, a long lead time before any effect is actually felt (usually measured in weeks), and that the actual relief you get doesn't seem to last very long (in some cases, just a few hours, regardless of dosage). In any case, Celedrin will set you back $21.99 for 150 softgels at your local Costco, and you'll need about three a day, but you don't need a prescription, so that makes it all hunky-fucking-dory, right?

4. i Renew Bracelet - The "Energy-Balancing Bracelet". This has been one of my favorites because it is indicative of the stupidity of Man that he continues to fall for the same scams over and over. I now know why Bugs Bunny was able to use the same gags over and over on Elmer Fudd, and he never saw it coming. This is New Age "Medicine" at it's very best! Every claim is followed by an asterisk and three-paragraphs of very small print, indeed, which is par for the course. Summing up the webpage, it seem that the stress of everyday life is fucking up our "natural energy fields", also known as "the Biofield". The Biofield is supposed to be an aura of unseen, natural "energy" that surrounds and permeates our beings, which is badly influenced by electromagnetic radiation of the sort transmitted by your computer, television, cell phone, wrist watch, and so forth -- not to mention the bullshit you get from the Wife, Kids, Boss and the Donut-eating-jerk-with-a-badge who ticketed you for doing 43-in-a-40 zone.

All this talk of Biofields smells of the ancient Chinese concept of "ki", one of the foundations of Martial Arts training and acupuncture, and both of those are complete bullshit.

The claims made by the iRenew folks are reminiscent of those made in the days when people eagerly bought love potions, the bones of saints, pieces of True Cross, and other nonsense without question and when complete quacks were applying leaches, acids, poisons and sharp blades randomly in the belief that "balancing the humors" by bleeding people could cure warts, leprosy, toothache, acne. and fucking plague. The same dolts who fell for that drivel back in the day, would line up to buy iRenew bracelets.

iRenew promises to restore "balance" to your "Biofield" which will improve your mental condition, physical performance, restore your natural immunity to stress, and give you an enhanced sense of well-being with it's "Energy Balance System" and "Biofield Technology". You'll be happy to know that a "Biofield" is, and I quote, "a New term adopted by the National Institutes of Health" (yeah, nothing like basing a therapeutic product on a term invented last week, and which is really a recycled centuries-old Oriental scam) and describes a growing body of research that purportedly identifies a subtle human energy field that permeates and extends beyond the physical body". You'll also be interested to know that when I tried to copy/paste that gibberish so that I wouldn't have to type it, I got a computer message that stated this piece of text is protected by strict copyright laws! Ooops.

So, what is an iRenew Bracelet? The website calls it "proprietary quantum-based technology" that further states "the Process is beyond magnetic technology and ionic jewelry", but nothing describes what the bracelet is made of, or why it should do what it claims to do -- except in the most confusing, esoteric and ephemeral terms that probably won't make sense to anyone who doesn't smoke hash, studied yoga for 400 years, or doesn't "belong" to the world of Far-eastern religions. So, I had to do some digging to figure out what all that meant -- in plain English. And I still haven't found anything that tells me what the fuck this thing really is (probably just a bracelet made of recycled stainless steel wrapped around a cheap, copper core).

There's an awful lot of impressive-sounding terms being tossed about here: Biofields, Energy-balancing, Quantum-based technology, magnetic and ionic. Quite frankly, it's a pretty basic scam which which attempts to sell you a Good Luck charm, or Amulet that Wards off the Evil Spirits, and attempts to make you feel better about being duped by implying that the whole thing is based upon sound, scientific principles. iRenew appears to be nothing more than a $19.99 placebo. If you think it'll help you, it probably will, but it certainly won't hurt you.

But someone is probably going to jail in the very near future. Here's the commercial with really bad actors in it.

The Revenge of Bad Medicine!

Those of you who follow me regularly know that I spend an inordinate amount of time watching all the pharmaceutical commercials you see nowadays, investigating the products flogged therein, and then making fun of them here. It's a strange hobby, I'll admit, but it can be quite informative, and funny as hell.

If you'd like to read all the posts in this series, then click the Bad Medicine tag at the bottom of this post.

It's apparently Penis Week here at Bad Medicine, because of the six drugs/treatments I'm about to tell you about, one-third of them are prime examples of why retiring Baby Boomers should be compelled by Force of Law to be celibate. I could not believe what I found when investigating those two...ahem...treatments.

There's an awful of lot of skin care commercials lately, too. Apparently, wrinkles and zits are back in vogue, and not to be outdone, the range of anti-depressants has now moved into the Homeopathic Realm, but at least HippieCare is cheaper than ObamaCare, right? It's almost as effective, too. Anyways, have fun. I did.

1. Amoryn - this is an herbal anti-depressant. It's another of those "All Natural" homeopathic remedies that's supposed to be better for you because it's "Natural" and doesn't put money into the pockets of Big Pharma. Amoryn claims to be a remedy for anxiety and depression, and it possesses the mystical power to "boost the brain's natural capacity for happiness". Whatever the fuck that means.

The website then goes on to repudiate those claims by then counter-claiming that the terms "anxiety", "depression" and "panic" found on the site may refer to "common emotions" and should not be interpreted as referring to medically or clinically-recognized-and-defined diseases or conditions. All "Natural Remedies", incidentally, usually have a similar disclaimer on their webpage, in very small print at the bottom of the page, and always after they make claims to be the cure for all that ails you in the first paragraph of the advert. The disclaimers continued, and I especially loved this one:

"...Statements that an ingredient found in Amoryn has been proven in clinical trials to effectively treat a disease do not represent any claim regarding the effects of Amoryn, and do not signify that Amoryn itself has been proven to effective treat that disease..."

If that wasn't Clintonian enough for you, there was the claim that Amoryn has been "Scientifically Designed" to "put a spring in your step and a smile on your face." If anyone could actually recreate that in a laboratory I'd give you a testicle. The contradictory claims come fast-and-furious.

Amoryn, apparently has been scientifically-designed to pep you up and un-depress you...provided you aren't suffering from depression, anxiety and panic in the clinical sense of those terms. And this is supposed to be medicine? So why take Amoryn at all, if it doesn't actually do what it initially claims it will?

Well, because it's cheaper (although not as effective as) than Zoloft, Prozac and Paxil, and doesn't give money to Evil Big Pharma, silly! You won't need a prescription, like you do for Marijuana. It contains an "active ingredient" called "Hyperforin", which is a fancy name for "St. John's Wort" -- which I remember from a few years ago as being everything from a cure for cancer to a source of atomic energy, depending on which Hippie you talked to. It's also heavy on B6 and B12 vitamins (most "Natural" remedies are, you know). I found an awful lot of stuff on St. John's Wort in the treatment of depression. The major proponents (Hippies) basically all say that it would be a standard treatment -- if the medical profession wasn't in bed with Big Pharma. The Medical and Scientific Professions basically say that while wiping your ass with St. John's Wort won't necessarily hurt you, it would certainly be a more effective treatment for depression than shelling out $34.99 for a bottle of this shit.

Except that Amoryn doesn't work alone! It has been "scientifically designed" to be used as part of a depression-management system...which includes two other homeopathic remedies at similar prices-- Seredyn and Mellodyn (which, I assume are "Natural" Serotonin and Melatonin, two brain chemicals in which a deficiency in either or both is often linked to depression and anxiety disorders).

Get all three at over $100.00 a month -- for basically a bunch of herbs of questionable use and some B-complex vitamins. For that money, you could get a 60-day supply of Zoloft, and that actually sorta-kinda works.

2. ExtenZe- well, if you hadn't guessed by the name, this is all about "Natural Male Enhancement", which is a code phrase for "Bigger Dick without an Embarrassing Prescription". I'm almost sorry I looked into this subject, because it led me into dark corners of the internet that I would have been quite content to remain ignorant of. Except that they were funny.

The premise behind ExtenZe is the old psychological fear that some men have that the old Pork Pistol, the trusty Pelvis Bazooka, the Jolly Old Chum-chucker just might not be up to snuff in the size department. The old "Does Size Matter?" argument which is about as tedious as the one about Chickens and Eggs. ExtenZe is a patent medicine, which means you don't need a prescription for it. It's advertised on late-night TV, on one of those infomercials, and it promises to add some length and girth to your Babymaker.

The commercial has a slutty-looking, near-Porn-star-quality chick extolling the virtues of the Blockbuster Erection in a discussion with the Pitch Man, not to mention cheap Dick Jokes a-plenty. This is supposed to put the male viewer into a tizzy wondering about the proportions of his One-eyed Wonder Worm, while simultaneously titillating him with the ideal of a sexually-frank woman who claims she'd rather have a Big One with which to occupy her time. Now for the really disturbing part; the research I had to do.

The Ultimate Penis Enlargement Guide (who knew?) absolutely raves about ExtenZe, while it's rival Ultimate Shaft (I shit you not), recommends you give this stuff a very wide berth, ranking it only #3 on it's list of Approved Peenie Products because there's a lot of "fake" ExtenZe out there, and you might not get the real thing. In the meantime, you can amuse yourself with this review in Penis Pills Reviews (I swear, there's some really sick and self-absorbed fuckers on this planet with entirely-too-much free time), which positively calls this one of the Greatest Inventions of the 21st Century (they didn't, really).

So, just what's in this Wonder Drug for the Willie, this Cornucopia of Cock, this veritable Plethora of Penis, this...ummm...Erector... of the Tower of Tallywhacker? The active ingredients seem to be a who's-who of the "Natural Medicine" rogue's gallery: Ginseng, Oatstraw, Cayenne Pepper, Ginko Biloba, Zinc and a bunch of others, which according to Hippies Everywhere , have been hyped for years as the "Wonder Cures" for everything from a purple hemorrhoid to multiple gunshot wounds to the face. Some guys might actually get a little extra lead in the pencil -- because some of these ingredients do improve blood flow -- but you won't be ringing doorbells, making pancakes, or typing the Great American Novel hands-free nor should you be expecting to frighten the children on Halloween with your special ventriloquist's act.

So, why MUST you have ExtenZe? Why, if you were an aging Baby Boomer, and medical science was making it possible for you to live a longer, healthier life with the possibility of being able to fuck like a 20-yr old way into your 70's-and-80's (thanks to Viagra and modern pharmacology), well, then you need this stuff more than you do air! Why? Because you're probably fat, ugly bald, and have enough wrinkles so that you look like a Shar-Pei after a four day lemon-juice bath. You won't get that 20-something-sexually-frank-gold-digger chick without a gimmick. At your advanced age, the only gimmicks left to you are a Fat Wad in your Wallet -- and when this fails because even some 20-yr olds have standards, you know -- you'll need Plan B: An even-Fatter Wad in your BVD's.

The theory is that the youngins will forget all about your sagging, aging, graying body if you're hung like a Thoroughbred. Not only that, but you'll be getting Porn-star quality babes, too! My favorite ExtenZe claim off the website was "Precisely control your ejaculation...". I then wondered if they meant that in terms of improved accuracy? Anyways, it's your $59.95 fantasy, so enjoy it.

3. Hydroxycut - another Patent Medicine, this one claims to be a super weight-loss aid that "boosts your metabolism", suppresses your appetite, and helps you burn more calories, all while "boosting your energy". This last claim, by the way, is a common one made by every Patent Medicine on the market, nowadays. There's an Energy Crisis that doesn't involve Fossil Fuels. You've become a Fat Slob not because you've had all the joy in life beaten out of you by everyday experience, nor because spend your days inhaling potato chips and Suzy Q's, laying on the couch or sitting on the toilet until you get Restless Leg Syndrome; no, you're a Fat Slob because you lack Energy.

"Energy" nowadays, has become a euphemism for "motivation".

So, how does Hydroxycut boost your energy...errr...I mean, motivate you to lose scads of unwanted weight? The website doesn't actually say how, except to say that it includes a Powerful Thermogenic Agent. What the fuck is a Powerful Thermogenic Agent, you may ask? I didn't know, so I had to look it up; this is something which aids, advances, enhances, promotes, expedites or stimulates metabolic activity. That means "digestion" -- because when you digest things, your body creates heat, meaning that your temperature rises, which produces sweat. So, it basically speeds up your metabolic process so that you can lose water weight, which is why a) I guess it's called "Hydroxycut", and b) why it carries this little disclaimer on the Webpage:

"It is important to maintain proper hydration."

Right, because if you don't, Hydroxycut will have you shedding so much excess water that you can expect the wages of severe dehydration, especially all that really nasty kidney dysfunction. And by the way, the "Key Ingredient" in Hydroxycut appears to be...caffeine. So, I guess we know where that "boost your Energy" nonsense comes from. You'll also find Vitamin C and Blueberry extracts in it.

While doing research, I discovered that Hydroxycut was recalled in May of 2009 after reports of users suffering severe liver damage. In response, Hydroxycut was "reformulated" (they replaced all the old, harmful ingredients with new ones) , and is now marketed as "Hydroxycut Advanced". According to a lot of stuff I've read, it's recommended that you avoid this shit like leprosy; there is the risk of hurting yourself with simple dehydration if you're not careful, or paying attention to what you're doing. This stuff is aimed at people trying to drop a lot of weight, quickly, and that by itself makes the whole thing suspect, even if the commercial does have a bikini beauty or two, and a hunky doctor in it.

4. Murad - when I saw it on television, it was being hyped as the Magical Cure for Bacne (Acne on your back, Ladies). I soon discovered that there is a variety of products all bearing the name "Murad", although I'm not certain if it applies to only one $35-a-tube/vat/jar face cream, or to all of them. Because there appears to be an entire line of scrubs, cosmetics, skin creams, anti-aging creams, wrinkle creams, cleansers, blackhead removers, anti-oxidant gels, pore treatments, and so forth, all part of the Murad Skin Care System.

The gist of the website is that if you use all of these products, and devote 14-hours a day to proper skin care, then you too can look like Dr. Howard Murad (pictured on the site), the creator of the entire panoply of skin care products, who himself looks like Lenin's Corpse with that glowing patina that's half-wax-half-shellac, and which might actually crack under the slightest strain. Like if you grinned, or maybe yawned. Even farted. It's reminiscent of that warm glow you get from waxed fruit when the sunlight hits it just right.

And yes, this Dr. Murad is an actual Doctor, who looks as if Ricardo Montalban and Liberace might have conspired to conceive a son. He's apparently very well preserved thanks to extensive plastic surgery, and it's almost as if he's trying to preserve all that work under a protective layer of botox, furniture polish and home-made skin-care products. Does this stuff actually work, and cure the curse of Bacne? Who the hell knows! I just found this Dr. Murad creepy enough to post about.

This is the Gay/Female version of the ExtenZe scam (see above), only instead of preying upon anxiety over the size of one's Privates, this one revolves around a fear of time and gravity undoing the work of nature and/or your plastic surgeon.

5. Pos-T-Vac - another Penile Enlargement situation. Except that Pos-T-Vac isn't a pill. Nope, it's a mechanized system, described as a "vacuum erection system", and yeah, that fuckin' freaked me out, too! The website is a laugh-a-minute.

Pos-T-Vac bills itself as the "non-surgical approach to the treatment of Erectile Dysfunction, and is a an external method for achieving a full, strong erection, suitable for sexual intercourse."

As opposed to a "full, strong erection suitable for rebuilding a carburetor", or a "full, strong erection suitable for painting a bucolic 18th-Century landscape", and my personal favorite, "a full, strong erection suitable for making a Lemon Merange Pie". I'm glad they specified.

Suffice to say that the Pos-T-Vac System includes a vacuum cylinder, a hand-or-battery-operated pump, and a collection of "tension rings". Oh, and detailed instructions. I'm beginning to imagine I might have enough details without the diagrams, thank you. What you do is slip the cylinder snugly over your semi-erect John Thomas, create a secure seal, and then use the handy pump to suck some blood into your flaccid appendage. Once you have achieved this curious state, you are then to use the tension rings to prevent the blood from flowing back out of your Industrially-aided Erection by applying uniform pressure around your now-engorged member. Just like making sausage.

Then you can have a go at Making the Beast With Two Backs, I suppose.

If THAT sounded all sorts of Medieval to you, then join the fucking club! If you actually wish to see how this works (sorry, I couldn't help it, because it was as funny as a stadium full of burning Muslims), you can go here. Be warned: this is not safe for work.

You would think they would try to find some more attractive people to advertise this thing, because the crop they picked out for this commercial makes you wish some of them weren't getting any.

And no, I did not check with Ultimate Shaft or Penis Pills Review to see what they had to say about this one. I was too busy laughing and trying to keep from vomiting. Incidentally, a Pos-T-Vac will set you back about $550.00, and that's not including the accessories, which include some nasty and disturbing-sounding items, like a "loading cone".

6. SkinZinc - SkinZinc is another of those homeopathic patent medicines. It claims to provide relief to those who suffer from eczema, dermatitis, psoriasis, dandruff and all manner of puffy, flaky, dry, cracking and suppurating skin disorders.

It also takes great pride in being "Coal Tar Free". I didn't know what that meant, and so I had to look it up. It would seem to be the case that in the days before we had "Modern Medicine" people would use Cold Tar (a derivative of coal which is a main ingredient in asphalt) to treat skin diseases, especially psoriasis. It was later discovered that this treatment was dangerous -- it caused cancers -- but mostly because it is estimated that Cold Tar contains around 10,000 as-yet-unidentified chemical compounds, as well as being super-flammable.

Why, I'd almost keep the psoriasis, if given the choice.

SkinZinc also states that it does not contain steroids, a common treatment for many skin problems and the auto-immune disorders associated with them. In fact, the website is really good at telling you what isn't in SkinZinc, and I had to look elsewhere to find out what is actually in it, and what it's supposed to do.

Basically, SkinZinc is Head & Shoulders (or any other dandruff shampoo, really) in a non-shampoo, tar-and-steroid-free form. With some Zinc added to it to help it fight eczema, psoriasis, dandruff and dermatitis -- and on a very good day -- ringworm.

SkinZinc doesn;t require a prescription, and will set you back $34.99 for a 4-ounce package. For that sort of money, you could buy half-a-dozen bottles of Head & Shoulders Dandruff shampoo, I gather, and use it as a body wash. But then, you wouldn't get all that extra , super-expensive zinc, would you?

Bad Medicine Returns!

Another installment on my regular feature on the bewildering array of "medicines" being heavily marketed on television nowadays. If you wish to see all the installments in this feature, simply click the "Bad Medicine" tag at the bottom of this post.

This time we have a great list of ultra-expensive, the cure-is-often-worse-than-the-malady crap being heavily flogged on American television as The Answer for every problem from Hearing Loss, to Acne, to Erectile Dysfunction. This month's list contains an acne cure, a "homeopathic cure" for tinnitus, and something to help you unblock your nose (because tissues apparently get really expensive), and a brand-spanking-new disease that affects Men in such as way as they don't have the energy to even play a round of golf! The horror!

Certainly all threats to the health and safety of the American public! I can see the Pharmaceutical Bosses now; "Quick; invent an expensive medicine that gives someone the energy for golf, but makes his testicles droop, costs $200 a pop, and produce an expensive commercial that can be shown on TV every 15 minutes!".

Anyways, back to this months' Candidates for Really Bad Medicines:

1. Embrel - is a lovely little medicine being marketed as a cure to Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), and which is also used to treat those afflicted with Psoriasis. It is taken by injection, and it has some rather unusual side-effects. Since Embrel depresses the immune system, you're very likely to get severe viral, fungal and bacteriological infections, which have actually killed Embrel-using patients. There's also warnings about an increased incidence of Tuberculosis, "unusual" cancers, lymphoma, seizures, heart failure, lupus and hepatitis, and on the website (www.embrel.com) there's this little blurb:

"These are not all the side effects with Embrel. Tell your Doctor about any Side Effect which bothers you or does not go away."

So, you can expect side-effects that even the people who made and tested this piece of shit can't identify! Oh, and make certain you aren't exposed to chicken pox while taking Embrel because...well, they don't exactly say WHY you should avoid the chicken pox, only that you must.

By the way, Embrel costs about $12,000 for a year's prescription.

I couldn't find the Embrel commercial itself on YouTube, but I did find a lot of stuff showing people self-injecting Embrel, which you can look at yourself if you desire, as I find that stuff to be on the same level as snuff porn.

2. Epiduo - The really annoying thing about the Epiduo commercial, is Tyler B., the typical Gen Y slacker who is hopelessly cursed with acne. Despite the best advice and help given to him by the Supermarket Manager, a Dermatologist, and a thorough scrub with Epiduo Gel, Tyler's new acne-free face is still accompanied by his Jughead sense of fashion. I mean, doesn't the kid have any other clothes? And when did the knit wool cap become cool? I have to get out more and frequent skater parks, I guess, because I am soooo not with it! The really disturbing thing about Tyler is that if you were advertising a product which is supposed to dry up acne, how is it that you found such a greasy-looking kid to be the front man?

Anyways, about Epiduo; According to the Epiduo website it's medication is far more effective than traditional methods of treating acne, and far less severe. In fact, it's so superior and non-severe that they hardly bother to list the side effects form Epiduo gel --beyond the standard warnings of "Stay out of sunlight", "your skin may get irritated", "keep it away from your eyes and mouth", and the ever-popular "Oh-and-don't-get-Pregnant-while-using-Epiduo" routine, like this;

It is not known whether this medication is harmful to an unborn baby. Before using Epiduo, tell your doctor if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant during treatment. It is not known whether adapalene and benzoyl peroxide passes into breast milk or if it could harm a nursing baby. Do not use Epiduo without telling your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

It turns out that, perhaps, Epiduo is a better answer for acne, because it's so difficult to find information on any really bad side effects...aside from swelling of the face and lips, and the baby thing. However, before you jump for joy at the thought of your zits being gone forever, please take note of the fact that Eipduo will set you back about $200 for every prescription, and that, alas, since puberty is a years-long proposition, you're probably going to need multiple scripts. But, hey, you can console yourself by visiting the really-neat looking www.truthaboutzits.com website!

3. Glyco-Stat - this is not actually a medicine, but another of those "nutritional supplements" which caters top a segment of the market which believes that "natural" and homeopathic remedies are better than modern pharmacology. Glyco-stat is an appetite suppressor, and glucose-regulator which might be helpful to those seeking to lose weight or diabetics. The website doesn't actually make those claims, but it's what I inferred from the information available. Please take note of all the asterisks (*) which indicate a disclaimer for every claim made for this supplement -- all spelled out at the bottom of the page.

As is usual for these sorts of things, the advertisement touts the effectiveness of "Asian" herbs and plants (the usual pitch makes references to 5,000 years of Chinese herbology, and now Indian traditional medicine is all the rage). This pitch is part-and-parcel of the usual "Natural Suppliment" marketing strategy -- it's all about giving you the impression that these things are somehow mystical secrets that Big Pharma doesn't want you to know about because they want to poison you and steal your money, and therefore, the "Natural Supplement" is both better for you and much cheaper. The idea that something that comes from a plant rather than a vat is supposed to make you feel better about it, and it's usually this "feeling better" that more often than not affects an actual change (this is known as the Placebo Effect). More often than not, the actual problem which led you to take the "All Natural Supplement" is never actually addressed. In any case,the "supplement" contains very little of the active ingredient, and a whole lot of fillers (like rice, and wheat flour). All for $21.00 a bottle.

I could not find the Glyco-Stat commercial on YouTube.

4. Low-T Syndrome - Well, it had to happen at some point. You just knew that with the Pussification of America, it would come to this:

Men are now victims of Menopause.

And we don't mean that their menopausal wives drive them crazy, or even to murder and suicide, we mean they're getting their own male version of menopause.

It's called Low-T Syndrome ("T" standing for Testosterone, which is apropos; as most men nowadays have no balls, or have been emasculated by Feminazis), and it's symptoms include Decreased Sex Drive, Loss of Energy, Body changes (weight gain, development of Moobs, or Man-boobs), Mood changes, and Sexual Dysfunction (here we go with the Erectile Dysfunction shit again!). Long before everyone became a Victim of Something, this used to be called "Getting Old", and people dealt with it. But not now; now you can take Wonder Drugs and solve all your problems. I'll bet that most of those Wonder Drugs are probably named Viagra and Cialis.

Low T Syndrome sounds like a marketing ploy to me. The website is rather nebulous about just what Low-T is and what options (besides "See your doctor for a prescription") are available to the pudgy, paunchy, had-the-shit-beat-out-of-them-by-life, the-wife-is-sagging-so-much-it's-like-screwing-a-shar-pei curmudgeons who apparently suffer from Male Menopause -- and I'm beginning to wonder how many of them are actually gay.

5. Niaspan - Niaspan is basically a vitamin-B supplement that is used to treat people at risk of coronary artery disease. Having been treated for this very condition myself, I can assure you that an infusion of B-complex vitamins (especially B12) is most efficacious. B-complex keeps arteries pliable, and also helps eliminate or control some of the nastier fatty elements in your blood which might cause clots. I used to take about 400 mcg of B12 twice a week, personally, and it does work wonders.

Niaspan is Vitamin B3, which is otherwise known to the general public as Niacin (and most people only know that from reading the back of the cereal box). The great virtues of Niaspan seem to be that it's a) time-released Niacin (meaning you don't have to remember to take your supplement as often), and b) when used in conjunction with other medications (like statins), it reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke. The website is here (http://www.niapsan.com/).

Normally, I would consider this a good thing, especially considering my own experience with B-complex supplements. However, Niapsan costs about $150 for a 750mg dose. For about $10.00 you could buy a decent B-complex supplement from your local Supermarket or Pharmacy which is just as good. The only difference is that Niaspan requires you to take fewer pills (about half as many). You could also save a ton of money by eating more spinach and other leafy greens. The side effects are really rather mild, when compared to the other possibilities, and so the risk factor is very small, but the price is simply too high for the supposed benefit.

However, what makes Niaspan really objectionable (to me) is that it's another in a line of otherwise-useful medicines which aren't being marketed so much on their efficacy, as they are on their convenience factor. The main selling point (other than "we help prevent heart attack and stroke") is that you only need to take enough time out of your busy schedule to take one pill -- instead of two or three -- and that somehow, this is a revolution in modern medicine that helps people lead "more active" lifestyles (and is worth a $150.00 prescription). This is the same logic behind the once-a-month-superdose medications that have often-horrific and toxic side effects (because of the size of the dosage itself), but hey, at least you don't have to devote 18 seconds a day to the Pill-and-Glass-of-Water routine. This appeals to aging Baby Boomers who are under the mistaken impression that Eternal-Youth-In-As-Little-Time-As-Possible is a real option in their later years.

7. Omnaris - the truly-annoying thing about Omnaris is the commercial, in which attacking your nasal allergies is likened to a military operation, complete with commandos, dramatic voice over and the Regimental shouting of the slogan (Omnaris, to the Nose!). Your plugged nostrils due to allergy are taken as seriously as any National Security issue, or Important Military Objective, worthy of calling out the SEALs and Green Berets! This idea is further stressed by the picture of the doctor-cum-General Patton in his white lab coat saluting on the webpage (www.omnaris.com).

Omnaris is intended for the treatment of "Nasal Allergy Symptoms", which is pretty generic. There are no specific symptoms (apart from runny noses and clogged sinuses), or specific maladies noted on the website. The terms "Environmental allergies, Outdoor Allergies and Indoor Allergies" are used an awful lot, but no one explains exactly what those might be(I can guess, but won't).

However, never fear; Omnaris is here to enable you to breathe! The generic version will cost you $65 for 100 doses, which isn't that bad if your allergies are such that traditional antihistamines (over-the-counter-stuff, or a nice bowl of oatmeal every morning) don't work for you. I just wish that commercial didn't suck so hard, and would get out of my head!

5. Quietus - This is another homeopathic remedy for those who suffer from tinnitus, a persistent ringing or buzzing in the ears. The website claims that Quietus was discovered by a rock drummer, and this is supposed to be proof positive that someone knows what he's talking about, and who the fuck needs doctors anyways ? (why, that inspires confidence right there! I used to be a rock drummer too, and I know just what unrecognized geniuses we truly are...).

Tinnitus is no laughing matter, and it literally drives people batty and affects their lives in many negative ways. However, I'm leery of something that a) doesn't advertise it's price on it's own website (it'll cost you $99.95 for a 30-day supply), b) identifies it's inventor by only his first name, and c) doesn't even give you any indication of what is in the "medicine" it's selling. If you can find a list of ingredients, or a discussion of side effects on that website I'll give you a great big kiss. But I guess the picture of the real pretty operator who is standing by to take your order, and the guy i the white lab coat, are supposed to make you feel better about buying a maybe-bogus Homeopathic Remedy with no Information available to inform your purchase.

As of this writing, there is no "cure" for tinnitus, and there are few real options beyond surgery, which is still no guarantee. There seems to be an awful lot of "scam buzz" on the internet about Quietus, and the FTC might be investigating them for their "30-day Money Back Trial Offer" routine in which involves your credit cards.

I couldn't track the TV commercial I saw down online, but the one on the website with "Bernard The Drummer" was stupid and vague enough.