What The Fuck Just Happened?

So, the Election of 2012 has ended, and not in a good way.

Barack Obama has won re-election, a possibility that as little as a week ago seemed remote, nearly impossible, given high unemployment, economic stagnation, crippling national debt, gridlock in the halls of Congress, and an apparently reinvigorated Al'Qaeda on the rampage throughout Northern Africa. There will be much navel gazing today, and for weeks to come, and most of the results will be predictable:

What I See At The GOP Convention...

The story thus far:

Mitt Romney gets the nod. Lots of great speeches. A lot of childish behavior from Libertarians. A lot of press people -- many who should know better -- outright, unabashedly lying. Here's the high- (and low-) lights, as I see them, so far:

Santorum: "Obama Preferable to Romney..."

Rick Santorum proves that he's a hellaciously petty little asswipe.

Okay, time to shut it down, Ricky. You’ve just proven that you’re not ready for prime time.

This is exactly what happens when you put a smug, Bible-thumping, arrogant little prick with no sense or realization of the depths of his own stupidity front-and-center of your “Conservative” movement. He invariably gets it in his head that if he doesn’t win outright then you deserve the terrible alternative…it’s almost as if God is punishing you for daring to ignore his Holy Message and reject his Most Sacred Messenger.

Rick Santorum, as I’ve said millions of times on this page, is a sanctimonious little dipshit with too high an opinion of himself. The unfortunate thing about American right-wing politics these days, from the point-of-view of this right-winger, is that our party and movements are overflowing with just exactly this sort of pompous asshole who can't win unless they can manage to tear everyone else down.

On Mormons and Evangelicals...

It has been a frequent assertion on this page that one Willard "Mitt" Romney, Presidential Candidate, would have to endure a grueling uphill slog towards that office based upon the simple fact that his Mormon faith makes him suspect in the eyes of Southern Religious Conservatives, who view Mormons as the next, best thing to apostates and child rapists.

Recent events -- i.e. The GOP southern caucuses and primaries -- have shown this to be true. It didn't take a rocket scientist to predict this outcome; all one needed was some first-hand experience of Southerners, in general, and Southern Religious Doofuses, in particular, to figure this out.

Rick Santorum: Morbid Mental Case, and Birth Control, Too...

Andrea Peyser in today's New York Post on Santorum’s weirdness.

If taking a dead child home to cuddle and sing to it doesn't strike you as somewhere between "emotionally overwrought" and "batshit insane" let me know: I want to keep as much distance between you and I as possible.

Don't Jump on That Santorum Bandwagon Just Yet...

With regards to the recent surge of Rick Santorum:

Santorum is the lucky beneficiary of the following fortuitous factors (hey, that's alliteration!), in no particular order:

Because Santorum is Unelectable, That's Why...

Byron York on why Rick Santorum lost his last election so badly.

If you read the comments, you get the idea that Santorum is largely viewed -- except by those on the Right-to-Life-Right -- as a sanctimonious, opportunistic, by-the-numbers, mealy-mouthed, hypocritical, do-nothing twit.

Which is pretty much what I wrote here just the other day.

Santorum The Apparatchik…

RE: Rick Santorum’s rise in the polls, winning a few caucuses without delegates and the revision of the Iowa Beauty Contest in his favor:

I will not make the argument that Rick Santorum is a bad man, but I will argue that he is a bad candidate for the Presidency.

Wait A Second...When Did Romney Become a Conservative?

I love Ann Coulter. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if it were possible, I would gladly bear her children. Our prospective rugrats would be so exceedingly adorable, so wonderfully smart and sarcastic that they would probably be some of the most dangerous (in an irreverently cutesy kind of vicious way) people to ever walk the face of this great Planet Earth.

Don't Take That Victory Lap Yet, Mitt...

#Excelsior502 - Mitt Romney has won the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, and has, de jure, become the presumptive GOP nominee in the Great Battle to Defeat Stupidity in 2012.

Big Deal.

Five Reasons Why Rick Santorum is More Annoying Than a Parakeet on Speed…

#Excelsior502 – I hate birds. I hate birds even more than I hate cats, which is something, since I believe that in the future the only use we’ll have for them is probably as food once the Global Economy finally collapses. Anyways, the reason why I hate birds so much is because of a former paramour named Anne-Marie.

Stuck In Neutral...

It must really suck to be Mitt Romney. I mean, if you took away the rugged good looks and the vast personal fortune you'd start to wonder just what was left, and then, upon reciting your (extremely short) list of remaining virtues, slowly begin to understand just why it is that Mr. Romney can't seem to break the 25% mark in most presidential polls these days.

Your 2012 GOP Scorecard...

So we've had a couple of debates, some straw polls, a whole lot of biased reporting and misinformation from (P)MSNBC, the New York Times, and the other usual suspects, and it's time to take stock of the GOP field.

The Sound and The Fury...

What we saw at last night’s Republican Debate in Iowa:

Newt, We Barely Knew Ye…

Boy, am I ever disappointed today. My cherished dream of watching Newt Gingrich wipe the floor with Barack Obama in a Presidential Debate just went down in flames with the resignation of just about all of Newt’s campaign staff.


I’ve been beating the drum for Newt since Christ was in short pants and knee socks, thinking that he was something that America needed – a right wing intellectual who understood the nuts and bolts of government and who also possessed the historical frame of reference I believe all good leaders should have, but I have finally come to the painful conclusion that a Gingrich Presidency would probably be nearly as bad as the Obama one has been. Primarily because Newt is a procrastinator.

We already have a President who looks like he doesn't want to do the job.

I should have first recognized this when Gingrich took so long to finally announce his candidacy (like maybe six years?). I then should have realized that not only does Newt live and die by the maxim “don’t do tomorrow what you can leave until next month”, but that he’s also somewhat tone deaf: a Mediterranean vacation, a cruise no less, when you have the opportunity to start making your case to the public while The President is down? Romney can’t pay crowds to show up at his events, and Pawlenty is making the case that Brand X Dishwashing Liquid is every bit as good as your brand…so long as you don’t mind warts and chemical burns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know: it’s still early. And besides, Sarah Palin’s “I’m Not Running” tour is, to quote the flapping rectums on television “sucking all the oxygen out of the Republican race”, so sitting on the sidelines for now may be a good strategy and all that bullshit, but let’s face it: Newt shot himself in the foot the day he called Paul Ryan’s Medicare reforms “right wing socialism”, and despite the fact that he’s right, the majority of the GOP voters (if not it’s elected officials) just doesn’t give a shit; they’re just in love with the idea that someone is ‘taking on’ an entitlement, and who gives a crap if it actually fixes anything? It sounds good.

You have to be a complete douche to screw something like this up, and under these circumstances. Barring some sort of miracle, Obama ain’t getting re-elected and the current crop of GOP ‘front-runners’ leaves much to be desired, in my estimation. Romney changes positions more often than I change my shorts, and being a Mormon could never garner the brain-dead Evangelical vote. Pawlenty is about as interesting as sawdust, and leaves one with the impression that he might be the result of some genetic experiment intended to discover the origin of the Boring and Numbnuts Genes. Herman Cain, bless him, is a nice man with some good ideas, but I’ve now seen him flounder about 30 times when asked a non-financial question that doesn’t seem to require a great deal of depth of thinking.

Michelle Bachmann simply weirds me out; it’s that staring thing she does, and it detracts from the fact that she is a smart-as-a-whip and attractive woman. Rick Santorum would be a fine candidate…if it were still 1948, or if women still wore hoopskirts. Sarah Palin’s I-don’t-know-if-I’m-in-or-if-I’m-out-you-betcha routine is starting to wear my patience thin, and I seriously tired of her months ago just from sheer overexposure. Right now, I wouldn’t follow Sarah Palin through my own front door. She appears to be doing what she does for the money, which is all well-and-fine, so far as that goes, but she’s not a viable candidate.

Right now, if you ran the numbers, Prostate Cancer is probably more popular than Barack Obama. A retarded German Sheepdog with a speech impediment and ties to several Neo-Nazi and Organized Crime groups could clean Obama’s clock. Even better, he’s going to be challenged from within his own party (you think Hillary Clinton is giving up that easily?) for the 2012 nomination. It’s almost gotten to the point where all anyone has to do to win the presidential election is to simply point to Obama and say “Really? Haven’t we had enough of this shit?” and practically coast to victory.

And all Newt had to do was to appear engaged, put Mitt Romney in his place, and shout ‘ObamaCare!” at the proper moments, but this wasn’t on his agenda, I guess.

It’s too bad.

So, now I will have to find another vessel in which to place my enthusiasm. This is going to be difficult because despite what the pundits say, the current crop of ‘professional’ GOP’ers on the slate may all be capable of beating Obama, but I find them most of them to be…what’s the word I’m looking for?...oh, right: assholes.

Worse, they’re the kind of assholes that snake-handling-Baptist rednecks like, which makes just about all of them persona non grata in my book. You should never, ever overestimate the taste or intelligence of someone who finds NASCAR entertaining, and who comes from a place where Crystal Meth and Keystone Light are the recreational substances of choice. Unfortunately the GOP has been wedded to a Southern Strategy since Nixon, and old habits are hard to break. So long as this is the case, we’ll continue to get GOP candidates who can quote Corinthians, but who don’t see a ‘reform’ of Medicare or Social Security as nothing more than keeping socialism on life support.

You could have done it, Newt. It didn’t look all that hard from here. But I guess work is not your thing, huh?