Weiner, Spitzer..There's a Blowjob Joke in There, Somewhere...

I would like to post an open letter to the voters of New York City.

I'm quite worried that many of you will do something so unthinkable, so mind-bogglingly stupid, so counter to your own interests, and actually take seriously the candidacy for public office (or should we say Orifice?) of one Anthony Weiner, infamous Twitter Dick Pic distributor, and one Elliot Spitzer, notorious Sex-with-a-hooker-while-wearing-black-socks aficionado.

Where's Jared Loughner When You Need Him?

Oh, right...he's already in jail for shooting a congresscritter.

Maybe we ought to be giving him a fucking medal, instead? He seems to have had the right idea, but maybe just picked the wrong target.

(Before I get an avalanche of faux-outraged e-mails from Libtards:  no, I'm not advocating that someone actually shoot a member of Congress, or making fun of Gabby Giffords and the other victims of that particular crime. I'm asking a rhetorical question in a tongue-in-cheek fashion. Get a fucking sense of humor, and unbunch your friggin' panties, you ninnies!)

The Washington Post identifies 35 Congressdouches who used their power to benefit themselves. And just in case that didn't make you sick, the Post then goes on to tell you how members of Congress use their power to benefit their relatives.

Weiner Steps on the Weiner...

You knew this was coming. It was unavoidable.

Police question 17-yr old girl who had contact with Weiner.

Gonna resign now, Douchebag, before the cops haul your ass off to jail?

In one of those delicious ironies, as Ipost this, I'm watching Special Report with Bret Baier on Fox, and Kirsten Powers, an ex-girlfriend of Anthony Weiner who's part of Bret's panel this evening, has just been asked to comment on this tidbit. She dodged it nicely,but you could see that she wanted to go home and scrub thoroughly with Brillo.

(H/T JammieWearingFool)

The Sexiest Woman in America...

…just would have to be a fictional television character. By the way, that photo is obviously Photoshopped and I didn’t do it: I simply found it on the web.


Flo the Progressive Insurance chick is, without a doubt, the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. This is both exciting and a crying shame…and maybe a little disturbing, too.

Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about that perky, quirky babe in her 1960’s up do, and 1950’s eye makeup, but if you’re a red-blooded ‘merican male, after a while you start to wonder just what is underneath that hospital-white apron and the ‘tricked-out nametag’, and what the Unicorns and Glitter girl just might be like in the sack.

And herein...ahem... lay (sorry) the genius behind Flo: She’s cute. She’s lovable. She’s so goddamned girly. And a far cry from what's available to the Average American Male.

It’s a pity that in Modern America most women fall into a category somewhere between ‘rabid piranha’ and ‘wounded wolverine with cramps’. Nearly fifty years of feminism has made your average babe about as approachable as a bear trap with a hair trigger. Women today are nasty. They are suspicious. They have a chip on their shoulder that causes a good many to consider anything with a beard and testicles to be a rape just waiting to happen. Where feminism hasn’t destroyed the natural affinity between Men and Women, it has fed the Modern Female with a great deal of other nonsense with which to clutter their brains; a Woman, they say, can do anything a Man can do, only better. And maybe this is true under certain circumstances, unless, of course, it requires brute strength, an ability to whizz standing up, or squashing spiders. It has also created a mindset wherein Men are often seen as dangerous, unnecessary, or, at best, an accessory.

Feminism has also dictated that wherever possible a woman should feign to think and behave as Men do, which is kind of a screwy idea since no Woman can think and behave as a Man does, if only for the simple fact that they’re not Men. Instead, women get their ideas of how they believe Men Think and Behave from the worst possible sources – the media, some book written by a half-baked therapist, or Cosmo, and until recently, Oprah. Nothing like getting advice on how to act like a Dude from another Chick. This has produced what I like to privately call “The Bruno”; a woman who goes out of her way to behave in a most unladylike manner, usually laboring under the deluded belief that she's ‘liberating’ herself. This sort of woman is combative, she uses foul language casually, has tattoos, tells dirty jokes that might even make me blush; she probably takes up a trade that once was the sole domain of Men (usually something to do with power tools, because they are a symbol of masculinity, and in a pinch, vibrate a lot).

Bruno doesn’t want you to come near her. You can tell from her demeanor, and the puss on her face that could curdle used motor oil. She bares her fangs and threatens to kick your ass if you do come near her, and if she decides that she will, indeed, have you, she reserves the right to be the aggressor. She's learned the Art of Wooing Men from watching re-runs of Oz. If you ever try to turn the tables on her, or can't figure out her convoluted system of when to treat her like a woman, and when to treat her as whatever the fuck she wants to be treated like at this very second, she gets pissed and tells you to fuck off.

That’s when you don't find one from the other end of the spectrum: the complete, sperm-burping sluts who never met an STD they didn’t enjoy passing on, usually out of spite or stupidity.

Flo, on the other hand, seems infinitely approachable. She seems friendly. She’s so naturally feminine. If you aren’t turned on by that then there’s something wrong with you, Homeboy.

But, alas, Flo isn’t real. She’s the invention of an advertising agency and a rather talented comedic actress. I’m almost positive that a ‘real’ Flo must exist somewhere in America (there had to be a role model, after all), but I have yet to find her. This is the greatest tragedy of all…for Men all over America.

If there were a million Flo’s, there’d be a million more happily married couples, I should think.

Why, if Anthony Weiner had had a Flo to go home to he wouldn’t have to momentarily stop rubbing one out to type “Baby, that feels sooooo good…” into his Blackberry, and trying exceptionally hard (shit,I had to go there, didn't I?) to make it sound convincing, and perhaps never daring to put his Congressional career at risk. If Arnold had a Flo to go home to, he wouldn’t be banging hideously ugly domestics…or hideously ugly Kennedys (sorry, that’s redundant), either, for that matter.

And before someone (usually some frigid, trailer-trash, diesel-dyke-bitch with a Community College Sociology Degree) starts accusing me of harboring some sick male fantasy of wanting to return to the ghastly days of the pre-sexual revolution, when Women were mere kitchen slaves and baby-makers, mere objects to be put upon a pedestal and fawned upon, I want you to think about just how liberated Flo truly is:

She has an important job. One, incidentally, she seems to enjoy immensely, and one in which she appears to have a great deal of responsibility. One gets the impression that Flo runs the entire operation there at the Progressive Store, and in some of the commercials she’s seen training her male colleagues in the in’s-and-out’s of the insurance business (oops, shouldn’t say ‘in-and-out’ in reference to Flo, someone might get the wrong idea), and sometimes giving them orders and directions. She’s obviously the leader of All Things Progressive Store.

Flo dances to the beat of her own drummer. She can be flighty, but is always serious about the business of insurance. She’s funny and witty, and in her own way, as sharp as a tack. She appears to be one of those ‘people persons’ I keep hearing about but never seem to actually encounter. Flo talks to everyone in the same friendly and helpful manner, regardless of race or sex. She doesn’t seem to notice such petty distinctions in any way whatsoever. Flo is never judgmental, she’s never harsh, and you can never imagine a four-letter invective flying out of her mouth.

One almost believes that Flo never uses a bathroom; when she has to answer Nature’s Call, you imagine a flock of snow-white doves and little pink elves descending from the skies to take it away for her.She's sweet, she's pure, you could never in a million years attribute anything dirty, unseemly, or disgusting to her.

But Flo has a rebellious side, too, you know; She knows and loves her motorcycles (she rides a 950 V-twin, in case you’ve forgotten), and yet somehow she always manages to pull that helmet off with her exquisite and meticulous hairstyle completely unruffled, with nary a bug in her teeth, her make-up undisturbed, and her virgin-white apron showing proudly beneath her leather jacket.

Flo is simply an awesome chick, in all respects. If all THAT isn’t the true Feminist Ideal – without the perpetual and figurative water retention – then I don’t know just what the fuck is. No man in his right mind would even dream of cheating on Flo. If there were more Flos, there'd probably be fewer homosexuals, too, and if not, then they could at least share eyeshadow.

You can keep your Miss Americas; you can have your surgically-enhanced “Real Housewives”; you can forget every Supermodel (except Kathy Ireland or Brooklyn Decker, maybe?) that has ever graced the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions, and I’ll take Flo over them every goddamned time, hand’s down, and twice on Sundays.

One of these days, when the Japanese finally perfect the Companion Robot, they could do far worse than to use Flo as their template and then mass produce the shit out of the sucker. The American Market for a robot that’s based upon a facsimile of a fictional woman that is far more appealing than most real live ones is a guaranteed money maker.

It might even save the Japanese economy.

You couldn’t produce a Flo Robot in this country, primarily because the Indian and Chinese Engineers we’d have to import know jack shit about Sex and girls, but mostly because the mere suggestion of it would send some Femzilla into a hissy fit for the ages (mostly out of jealousy), complete with lawsuits, boycotts, crying, and the withholding of sex….from someone….assuming someone would want any from a woman like that.

I’d like to see that potential Feminazi Champion hop right up on her Menstrual Cycle and challenge Flo to a bike race, if only to see Flo leave the bitch in the dust.

The Sorry Tale of Anthony Weiner…

The most aptly-named man in Washington, D.C. finally admitted to what the even the dumbest amongst us already knew, yesterday, and made a crying spectacle of himself on national television. Anthony Weiner did, indeed, shoot little beefcake photos of himself all over the internet to various women (he says six, but that’s probably no closer to the truth than his insistence that he was ‘hacked’ by right-wing hit squads was). He also admits to some telephonic heavy breathing, which is a vision that has firmly burnt itself into my mind's eye, much to my distress.

The entire apology/self-crucifixion production became surreal when Andrew Breitbart , the man accused of being Weiner’s ersatz hacker just happened to be in the neighborhood, and at the behest of the drooling press took over the event, demanding an apology while informing us that he has even more pictures of Weiner in even more compromising positions. This suggestion makes me fervently hope that my infected mind’s eye will do me a great favor and go blind before those are ever released.

There’s much talk amongst the flapping rectum class on television about Weiner’s ‘political future’. Only in America, and most annoyingly, only in New York, could a Congressman so obviously mislead the public, dissemble so unbelievably brazenly about the facts of his misdeeds, make a public penance in which he has to follow the man who’s been wrongly accused of wronging him, still consider it possible to have a career. Only in New York could such a man, who has a Congressional Ethics hearing or two in his future, probably an irate wife who can’t wait to rape him in the divorce trial (if she doesn’t divorce him after this, even if there’s no actual sex involved, she’s a retard), be considered worthy of having a Political Future.

Sadly, Congressdouche Weiner stands a better than even-money chance of being re-elected as things are now, barring some new revelation that one of his phone/e-mail playmates was underage, or a foreign spy. If it should turn out that one of Weiner’s phone friends was another man, the people of his district – where IQ is measured by that quaint expression ‘room temperature’; after all, they’ve already voted for the most insufferable asshole I’ve ever seen in my entire life six times, so they must be the cream of the crop, stupid-wise – even that wouldn’t stop them from voting for Congressman Chronic Online Masturbator.

Some would see it as an opportunity to vote for the first apparently bi-sexual member of Congress (so far as we know). That’s how liberal they are; voting for Weiner is a badge of courage.

Besides, here in New York we’ve come to expect that out elected officials are criminals, serial adulterers, or sexual deviants, vis-à-vis Rudy Giuliani, Eliot Spitzer, David Paterson, Eric Massa, Chris Lee, and now Anthony Weiner.

Hell, Charlie Rangel never met a tax he didn't write the regs for that he wouldn’t happily dodge, and he’s still in office.

I watched this sorry spectacle yesterday, and wanted to puke. The first vomit-inducing portion was the part where Weiner said “I will not resign”, which I thought was absolutely outrageous. Just a few weeks ago, a New York Republican (Chris Lee) resigned from office after being caught doing the same exact thing that Weiner has done, and there was no week-and-a-half of lying involved, there were no false accusations against a journalist, there wasn’t a ten day ordeal of press conferences where we’re arguing over the meaning of ‘certitude’, and the man in the crosshairs flounders in lawyerly language like Shelley Winters floundered in the flooded ballroom of the Poseidon Adventure.

The second thing that made me want to expel my lunch at terminal velocity was the use of the word ‘apology’. Weiner said ‘apologize’ or ‘I apologize’ what seemed to me to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 times. He apologized to his wife, his family, his staff, his ’constituents’ (i.e. the brain-dead legion that would have pulled the lever for him so as to keep the hot-and-cold running food stamps and Section-8 housing flowing, unless he’d admitted to child rape or tossing puppies into a wood chipper), Andrew Breitbart, but at no time did it ever appear to me to be sincere. Perhaps that’s because I have an instinctual dislike for Weiner that rivals the hatred between cats and dogs, or maybe it’s a by-product from having to listen to him lie out of both sides of his mouth, and his rectum, simultaneously, on ever subject under the Sun for a decade-plus.

Weiner claims to take ‘responsibility’ – another word he used profusely and unbelievably -- for what he’s done, but he truly hasn’t. Had Weiner a responsible bone(r) in his body, he would have resigned yesterday. That’s what responsible, truly sorry people do. Then again, he’s a democrat, so there you go; democrats are neither responsible, nor hardly ever sorry about anything.

Anthony Weiner didn’t ‘apologize’ profusely yesterday because he’s genuinely sorry. He’s apologizing and paying lip-service to accepting responsibility because he’s been caught. He’s apologizing because he got caught in such a stupid way, doing such a stupid thing. He’s apologizing because it’s part of a ’damage control’ operation, and the public relations experts told him that it’s time to come clean and at least appear to be contrite (note, however, that Weiner only ‘comes clean’ after irrefutable evidence is suggested of his guilt. Without it, he would have continued this charade for years to come). That series of apologies you saw yesterday was not of a penitent man, baring his soul to the world, begging forgiveness.

That was a man who’s come home drunk at three in the morning, smelling of perfume, lipstick smeared on his collar, and the used condom still stuck in his zipper, begging his wife to unlock the door, pleading ‘Honey, can't we talk this over?’.

Men, as a rule, do things because they can, or because they want to. Scale Everest, split atoms, fly to the Moon, or fuck the secretary with the big tits, and many of them never actually stop to consider the implications or consequences of their actions, especially where the sex drive and ego are concerned. We are biologically hard-wired to take risks, to ignore doubts and fears, and screw everything that moves. Nature made us this way, and it’s only a very smart or dedicated man who is able to control his baser urges.

When you look like Anthony Weiner, the very poster child for birth control, and have the arrogance that comes with power and the fawning adulation of the press – perhaps the laziest and dumbest class of people yet discovered -- that intelligence and dedication quickly flies right out the window. Add the possibility of sex to ego and poor impulse control, and you’re headed for disaster. Facilitate the roller-coaster-to-Hell with a medium that provides (some think) a measure of anonymity and distance, and you’re talking a sure-fire atomic explosion of stupidity.

Weiner’s first mistake was to get full of himself. His second mistake was to fail to engage his critical thinking skills (being a liberal democrat, we may question as to whether he possesses any). His third mistake was to choose mediums where the possibility of getting caught was somewhat remote (although, as we all know, nothing is private in Cyberspace, and even phone bills can be quite instructive). His fourth mistake was to make a habit of it. The final mistake was to believe that he could scrub the record clean, after the fact, brazenly lie about the entire…ahem…affair…and then, after the dust settles, continue life much as he did before, maybe taking a few extra precautions but not much more.

I can promise you: even after being put in a delicate, to say the least, position by the initial discovery of Weiner’s underpants pictures, Weiner would have gone right back to Greasing the Pelican and sending dick pictures online just as soon as decently possible. It’s a compulsion; a mere routine, it all becomes a part of Life, just like the morning commute, the tuna-salad-on-whole-wheat for lunch everyday, the three-martinis after work, the evening newscast, and brushing your teeth before bed.

No, Anthony Weiner was never sorry enough to realize just what he was doing and then stop doing it; he’s only sorry that we found out what he does with his Blackberry, and the thought that the public might believe he’s Yankin’ his Crank While Texting finally got that long-forgotten-and-suppressed shame reflex to kick in.

So, what’s next for Congresscritter Weiner? Well, to judge from past sex scandals (this may be the first where no actual sex, only the suggestion of it, took place. See how the Internet and social networking are changing our lives? When a politician says “I did not have sex with that woman…” and a computer is involved, you can actually half-way believe him! Weiner might give a whole new meaning to the term ‘Palm Pilot’.), the step after admission is usually, and oh-so-painfully-predictably rehab.

Congressman Weiner may be the first famous (or is it now infamous?) Internet Sex Addict. When Weiner makes that announcement -- I'm a sex addict -- his wife will be standing right next to him (somehow, the wives must always be seen as standing by their man, even when their man is a complete douchebag. Although her absence yesterday was telling); there will be the usual rigmarole about personal reflection, ‘my Faith in God’, and ‘coming to terms with the realization that I have a problem’, but dickhead still won’t resign, naturally.

There is a Congressional Ethics Committee investigation coming. Considering that democrats usually don’t find anything wrong with deviant behavior by one of their members, it’s merely a formality. It’s a kabuki play intended to lull the public into the false belief that, indeed, Congress can be trusted to police itself, which is complete and utter bullshit given the history of Congressional Ethics Investigations of the last 40 years. Weiner will receive but a light tap upon both wrists and told to sin no more. If they’re smart, they’ll take his Blackberry and Smartphone away, and cancel his subscription to AOL (people still have those?).

Despite all the public mea culpa, despite the coming-soon orgy of putting all his psychoses on public display, despite all the talk about ‘responsibility’, deep down in what passes for his black soul Anthony Weiner still thinks he’s done nothing wrong. He still believes he’s a victim…of something…but not of hubris or stupidity. Somewhere in his tiny little mind, he still feels justified in what he has done, and can’t believe people would make such a big deal out of such a little thing (I mean the scandal, not his Little Thing, per se). He’s wrong.

We’re the victims here. A sitting Congresscritter making a casual mistake with his send options on Twitter has just told everyone in the Solar System that he’s dumber than dogshit, and ripe for blackmail. He’s just told the American public that far from his usual insistence that he’s ‘fighting for the common folk’ he’s instead spending a great deal of time taking pictures of himself in the buff, e-mailing them hither-and-yon, hitting up women half his age. His subsequent actions – trying to delete the incriminating photographs, inventing a weak conspiracy theory cover story out of whole cloth, accusing an innocent man of potential criminality, stonewalling, misleading the public and press, lying to his wife, and the Staff or other members of Congress who may have defended him – show the character, or rather, lack thereof, of the man. If he’s capable of lying about this, what else has Anthony Weiner lied about? If he’s capable of going to these extreme lengths to avoid having the truth come out, what does that say about the benefits or veracity of anything he’s ever voted on?

And finally, his Twitter Bunnies are going to be exposed to public scrutiny. Two already have. I wonder if either will make an attempt to find Monica Lewinski and ask her how her career and life have gone after she was identified as the paramour of a once-powerful man. Everywhere she goes, men probably ask her to do her famous ‘Cigar Trick’, and automatically assume she’s up for a little ‘Executive Action’ at a moment’s notice. Monica had at least one saving grace in her favor: the Internet was in its infancy, and public memory is often short. For these women, once they’re publicly identified, Weiner’s Weiner will be permanently stapled to every job application they ever fill in.

They might as well have actually done the deed for real, because for all intents and purposes Anthony Weiner has shackled each with a permanent, electronic, Pearl Necklace.

And the Happiest Man in the World Today is Arnold Schwarzenegger, because Anthony Weiner just took the spotlight off of him, at least for the foreseeable future.

Weiner's Weiner...

I almost threw up in my own mouth when I read this.

Rep. Anthony Weiner is both an insufferable twat and the most-aptly named man in Washington. He behaves in a manner that makes you want to stick an icepick through his eyeballs. Twice. Assuming that no one on Planet Earth could ever find a reasonable, defensible, logical or provable defense FOR anti-Semitism, Anthony Weiner could give them one just by opening his piehole (not that we advocate such a thing here at The Asylum. If you feel the undeniable need to hate someone, then please direct your hatreds at someone who might actually deserve it...like a Muslim.)

I've said before on these pages: New York State has the worst, dumbest, and most embarrassing Congressional delegation in American history.

This is how you know your elected officials are incapable of running a country: we live in an Information Age, where communications are instantaneous, and the ability to transmit and diffuse information at -- almost literally - at light speed is a fact of life. We live in an age of a 24-hour news cycle, with thousands of outlets constantly searching for any bit of anything that is even of the slightest interest, hungry for even more channels of input, and ways to devour more airtime at a profit. We live in an age where everyone and his dog has a video camera, recording device, cell phone, computer, and access to thousands, if not millions, of databases where they can record, store, examine and retrieve almost every fact of your life -- every utterance, every (you think) secret, every correspondence --from the most inconsequential to the greatest of All-Time-Biggest-Bonehead moves.

They should know these things are becoming the New Normal in our diseased modern culture, and that you cannot escape these traps...and yet our ruling class still does it, anyway.

John Edwards is quite possibly going to jail because he couldn't keep his pants zipped up, or a camera out of his bedroom, and it's only by the grace of whatever you hold holy that there was no such thing as Facebook or Twitter around for him to dig his hole any deeper.

And let's face it: someone is always out to get you -- your business or political rivals, your insurance company, anyone who wants to sell you something, your bank. No one has any reasonable expectation of privacy anymore, for the simple fact that everything is recorded, somewhere, and also because these new media often encourage people to volunteer in destroying their own personal privacy by allowing them to share the innermost secrets of their lives with others.

And somehow, these people -- your Ruling Class --  don't know this. Or worse, they know it, and just don't give a shit.

You would think that someone who's claim to rule over us peasants was based upon the presumptions of superior intelligence and integrity would be extremely circumspect about what he/she does on the Internet. But I guess not.

If this turns out to be true, and Rep. Weiner's Facebook account hasn't been hacked, then you have to wonder about his ability and worthiness to continue in office. In the grand scheme of things, sending a picture of your dong -- suitably covered -- to someone is probably not a hanging offense, but you have to know: given the ability of the Internet to keep people anonymous and diffuse that which one wishes to remain confidential, what would have happened if the recipient of this picture happened to be, say, a 14-yr old girl pretending to be someone she wasn't?

What if she did happen to be a 14 year old girl, and Weiner knew it? Sheesh! That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms, my friends! Doesn't anyone watch To Catch a Predator, anymore?

Unfortunately, I believe that Congressman Weiner will survive this little dustup, if only because New York City democrats (small 'd' intentional) have the mental capacity of dryer lint, and because politics in this city isn't based upon questions of Right and Wrong, or "What's good for the Country?" but upon "how much money can you steal for me, today?" and if Weiner has been even halfway decent in this regard with his constituents (i.e. partners in crime) then his minions will defend him with their very lives. Because he's a clueless and insufferable asshole, he'll just pretend as if nothing has happened and become twice the annoying and destructive dickhead that he was before.

As terrible as this sounds, I certainly DO hope this ended up in some 14-year old's mailbox, so that we could have a crime with which to charge this douchebag.

Then he can show his pecker to a whole new bunch of friends.

Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing...

A Congresswoman gets shot, and six people, including a nine-year old girl are killed, and what happens?

Rep. Peter King (Asshat - NY) proposes a law making it illegal to be within 1,000' of a public official while in possession of a gun. I suppose this means we'll have to go back to the Good Old Days, when the really chic assassin used a sniper rifle.

Senator Dick Durban (Dingleberry - Il) decries the martial characterizations and use of crosshairs in our political debate, which he believes incites violence against Members of Congress. Apparently, people need to be whipped up into a frenzy by images to hate Congress.

Soon, I'm certain that Rep. Anthony Weiner (Jerkoff - NY) will chime in with his usual feeble offering of broad platitudes, useless metaphors, and ritual denouncement of people smarter than he is (i.e. just about everyone).

Eventually, Super-Assistant-Deputy-Sidekick-Gopher-Under-Secretary-to-the-Plenipotentiary-For-Asinine Remarks, Harry Balszac (D- Greenwich Village), a minor Obama Administration sub-functionary, will speak his peace (To DailyKos, off course) about how none of this would have happened if only Sarah Palin had just aborted her Down's Syndrome Child.

Not to be left out, Rep. Constance J. Pinke-Snapper (D-Vagina...errr...Virginia) will make the argument that being ruled by men with names that are euphemisms for the Penis (Peter, Dick, Weiner) is a proof-positive of the Gender Inequality in America's Government, that requires full federal funding for Abortions to amend.

In a way, it's almost fitting that America in the year 2011 should have overlords who's names all seem Phallocentric, and attached to men who don't know their asses from their elbows, but know how togive us all the Purple Shaft. It's also fitting that such sub-standard intellects should act and speak in blind panic when the usual bullshit that is their stock-in-trade just won't fly.

All of this nonsense was uttered in reaction to the Giffords Shooting, and all of it was, dierectly or no, encouraged by a media even dumber than the people they cover. A few observations on this entire fiasco, if I may, and then I'm not touching the subject ever again, if I can help it;

The Liberal Media, and the Congressional Douchebags who feed them, all warned us not to jump to conclusions about the identities and motives of the Fort Hood Shooter, The D.C. Snipers, The Times Square Bomber, The Underwear Bomber and others, but were themselves very quick to jump to their own conclusions here. I'm not going to rehash all of that nonsense about the use of Military Terminology and Hate Speech in our political discourse and all the rest, because it's been disseminated and rehashed everywhere by now. Besides, it's a stupid argument, and it's also a false one, because that's how libtards behave -- they try to make every argument about stupid things, and then lie about it.

Suffice to say, what we've seen in the wake of this tragedy was the democratic party's, and the left-wing's in general, deepest-held beliefs and most fervent wishes seemingly made real: they believe, with every fibre of their beings, that republicans (small 'r' intentional), conservatives (small 'c' intentional) and Tea Partiers are all potential time bombs of hatred and intolerance, just waiting for the right moment to engage in a systematic spree of assassinations, hate crimes, immigrant bashing, rape, and Anti-Semitism. They seriously wanted, no needed, Jared Loughner to be a member of the John Birch Society, have a picture of George Bush in his wallet, and to have to pray at a Sarah Palin shrine in his bedroom, because if that were so, they'd have been handed the opportunity to "take the higher moral ground" in just about any political debate.

And if they had to invent those connections from thin air, so be it. There's no rules in this game, so far as they're concerned.

Because to a leftie, everything in life becomes political and the mere appearance of the moral -- should there be a moral dimension -- is, well, that's just a fortuitous coincidence.

They have to behave this way. They have to be opportunists and sophists because they serve no useful function. They must paint their enemies, real and perceived, as the worst sorts of human beings because if the true nature of their own intentions and activities were ever discovered by the greater mass of people, there'd be many more shootings. Your typical leftard is an irresponsible douchebag who never wants to have, nor ever expects, to be in a position of power, but having found himself there decides he might as well do his best to remake society according to his own tastes -- the better to guarantee his own position and comfort. He never thinks through the consequences of what he advocates, because he never expects to actually be held responsible for them.

To paraphrase Orwell, there is no group of people in existence which serves so little useful function than the Left-wing intelligentsia (itself a contradiction in terms).

Anyways, let's get to another, related point -- undoubtedly the greater one -- which is the absolutely piss-poor quality of our Ruling Class, especially In Time of Crisis.

The Political Class in this country is a rogue's gallery of the stupid, the venal, the partisan, the hacks, the hyper-sensitive, the insensitive, the clueless, the brainless and the classless. Within it's ranks you'll find a great many petty dictators and a similar number of apparatchiks and ticket-punchers. There are the illiterate, the invisible, the criminal, and the spastic. A great many of them are infected with the worst sorts of narcissism, compulsive disorders, and anal retention issues. I'd wager half are sex-fiends, and the other half gay, or in love with their cocker spaniels. All are certainly in love with the sounds of their own voices. They can be, generally, counted upon to operate under the premise that "half a loaf is the same as no bread"; anytime a "compromise" is ever reached, it is usually a necessary political tactic by one side or another, or because the issue at hand is of, literally, no worth or consequence, or largely symbolic. In any eventuality, they can be expected to exercise as little reasoned judgement as possible, and display an unerring instinct to do The Absolute Wrong Thing, but usually The Absolute Worst Thing.

But, they are certainly experts in how to spout stupidity (Washington D.C. is the Old Faithful of Crapspeak, I'd bet), what with their petty and ridiculous "no guns within 1,000' of a federal official" bullshit, and pleading for speech codes and new laws against Free Expression -- because that's how Congress always reacts in the wake of a tragedy: they over-react, retroactively, and expensively, then slam the barn door shut long after the horse has shit and run away. It's why you have to get felt up at the airport, after all. The REAL point: that mental patients are roaming the streets and looking to shoot Congresscritters because we can't put them in institutions where they can get help, and we can be made safe from them, is beyond Congresses capacity to see.

Mostly because locking up the loonies would make sense, which is why the Kings, Durbins, and Weiners of the world don't get it. The premise is too clear-cut, too simple, it can't be clouded and obscured by the usual fatuity that passes for political dialogue and debate in this country. As an added obstacle: should the problem of the Jared Loughners ever be solved by legislators, no one individual would be able claim any credit or distinction for it; the public at large would simply believe that was what Congress should have been doing all along, and why the hell should someone get a pat on the back for simply doing his job? In American politics, if there's no "giving" of something special to your voting bloc -- whether it's Prayer in Public Schools and Free Flame Throwers for Everyone on one side, or Free Medical Insurance and Unfettered Free Abortions For All on the the other -- then it just doesn't get done.

Hence, the puerile argument over crosshairs, heated rhetoric, talk radio, and Left-and-Right-this-that-and-the-other. It's all designed to cover the fact that neither side knows what the fuck it's doing, has any clue as to what it should be doing, nor has any sense of decency. If they had any intention of getting anything done, or the ability to do it, there'd be money for mental hospitals.

These people are now frightened to death; the mid-term elections put fear into their bellies, democrat and republican, alike. And now they're also having to face the possibility that they might be hunted down in public by lunatics -- lunatics they've largely let loose with their policies, by the way -- and they've gone hysterical. They don't know what to do about it, and you can actually see them squirming, if you look close enough. The democratic party's "cool it" rhetoric is similar to how one would speak when confronted by a mugger "okay, pal...take it easy....I'm getting my wallet...just be cool...don't ass-rape me, please?". The republican reaction is also typical; play politics, badly, assume the position of Martyrs, and try to position yourself on both sides of the fence (they call this "bi-partisanship" or "being above the fray") hoping that you don't scrape your scrotum on the barbed wire you're straddling.

Somebody ought to remind Rep. King of the existence of the Second Amendment ,and that gun rights are one of the planks in the GOP platform. His is one of the dumbest and most self-serving, and nakedly transparent ideas to come down the pike since John Kerry's infamous "I voted against it before I voted for it" word vomit. You can't have it both ways, Congressman.

If you ever needed a clearer example of just what is wrong with this country, then you got a snootfull this past weekend; idiotic politician, clueless media, and gun-toting mental patient all came together to make a splendid mess, one that exposes the foundation of absolute crap upon which the American Political System is currently built.

Some Predictions for 2011...

I normally don't do this, but someone asked for it. His name and address will be withheld for his own personal safety. I'm not Nostradamus, and come to think of it, he was an Asshole: if his "predictions" are so damned good, how come they only make sense AFTER something happens? What kind of useless power is that?

Anyways, here's some things that I can see happening in America in the year 2011;

1. Hillary Clinton quits as Secretary of State, and announces her candidacy for President in 2012. She will talk up a heady Far-Left agenda in an attempt to outflank Obama with the disaffected pseudo-revolutionaries, aging hippies, and welfare queens of the New Left. This new-and-more-Lefty Hillary will be in marked contrast to the woman who spent the four years prior to 2008 positioning herself as a moderate, and has changed positions more often than Bill and Monica did. This transparently dishonest charade will go completely unremarked upon by anyone at (P)MSNBC. No one will call her a "quitter" for leaving the Senate, or abandoning her post as Secretary of State, because only Republican Woman ever quit to take better jobs and more money. When a Libtard does it, it's all in the name of Public Service, which somehow always means you leave Public Service with a really big bank account. The only thing worse than a Hilliary Clinton victory in 2012 will be the sight of Bill doing the pimp-walk back into the White House.

2. Mitt Romney will become the GOP front-runner for President in 2012 in the early polling, but will eventually be defeated in his quest to become Leader of the Free World because no one will vote for him in the Bible belt, where being a Mormon is synonymous with "Devil Worshiper" and "Baby Rapist", and only slightly better than "Catholic". This will leave the GOP hard-pressed to find a decent candidate that doesn't creep people out, have a secret pedophile past, bore them to death with invocations of the deity, or talk like a Tea-partier-but-possess-a-democrats-record. Which means that Mike Huckabee somehow sticks around far longer than he has any right to expect to bore the bejesus out of us with all his Jesus talk, and somehow manages to wrangle a VP slot from whatever hybrid Country Club-Inbred Redneck republican candidate the Tea Party happens to choose for them.

3. Michelle Obama finally fesses up, and reveals a secret so shocking that you will be amazed that it was successfully kept for all these years; she is actually a post-op transsexual, and used to play power forward at an NCAA Division I school that actually made it to the Sweet Sixteen, but was ultimately defeated by (who else?) Duke; a game in which she scored 12 points, and had 4 rebounds, coming in off the bench, but ultimately, fouled out, her sharp elbows more curse than aid that day. President Obama, stunned by the news, deals with this mighty personal blow by taking yet another vacation, this time to do some soul-searching and to re-evaluate his life, in Jamaica, Amsterdam, Las Vegas and Tierra Del Fuego. Upon his return, he and Michelle reconcile their differences over a game of HORSE in the Rose Garden.

4. Sarah Palin does what every woman does at least once in her life, given the opportunity. She entices the "return to the 1950's" wing of the Republican party right down to the very last second in 2011, showing a flash of political leg here, heaving a breathless, bosomy rhetorical sigh there, winking at the True Believers, batting her Conservative eyelashes at the Falling-All-Over-Themselves-Just-to-Be-Close-To-Her. She'll take their money. She'll drink in their adoration. She'll laugh at their stupid jokes, and playfully giggle at their innuendo, or perhaps, give a speech that gently caresses the back of their hands, before quickly withdrawing her lightest, gossamer touch. When the date is over, as they're standing on the front porch in that moonlit-awkward moment, she'll give them a handshake goodnight, trot out the old I-had-a-great-time-don't-call-me-I'll-call-you-quickly-duck-inside-slam-the-door-routine, and avoid those disappointed Conservatives at the Malt Shop for the rest of the school year. That's right, Sarah Palin eventually turns out to be a political cocktease, because she can't win, and hell, there's more money to be made soaking the rubes and getting free publicity out of your fertility.

5. Senator John McCain suffers a debilitating stroke or heart attack, and must step down from his by-now-largely-ceremonial post as Senator from Arizona. In the ensuing special election, McCain is ultimately succeeded by the GEICO Gecko, who has now also become the Official State Bird of Arizona (conservative commentators will remark that such things must be expected in a state populated by a growing number of Alzheimer's cases and illegal aliens who can't read the English ballots, and consequently, have no fucking clue just what they're voting for in the first place). The U.S. Senate will honor McCain with a Minute of Anti-Aircraft-Fire-and-Loud-Voices-Screaming-In-Vietnamese on the Senate Floor. In addition, Congress will authorize the John McCain Memorial Border Gate, a cardboard door mounted upon a single, rusty hinge, placed at a strategic gap in the Border Fence that will be opened or closed on alternate days in recognition of the Senator's principled stand on the issue of illegal immigration, and of his Herculean efforts to secure America's borders. *

6. Osama Bin Laden will make an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. having been granted the necessary travel and work visas by the Obama Administration. After yukking it up with Jay for an evening, bin Laden will be invited to the White House where President Obama will apologize profusely about all those close-call Predator strikes, and promises that it won't happen again if only Al'Qaeda pinkie-swears not to be mean to us anymore. Bin Laden agrees, but the deal is suddenly called off when Joe Biden spills his soup in Bin Laden's lap, and steals the cherry off his Parfait Desert, when no one is looking. The next day, there is a mushroom cloud billowing over Los Angeles, and President Obama will take great decisive action by going on vacation after this exhausting round of successful negotiations, which Chris Matthews will call "the greatest feat of American diplomacy, evah!" just as the fallout begins to descend on the east side of the Rockies.

7. Someone will, finally, shoot Rep. Anthony Weiner (Douche - NY) and Senator Charles Schumer (Dingbat - NY), two of the most annoying people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Schumer will survive the assassination attempt, if only because the .38 caliber bullet fired from a range of seven feet did not possess the power to actually penetrate his thick skull, and bulletproof inanity. Weiner, however, will not fare so well; his killer knew enough to shoot Weiner in the ass -- which was closer to his brain -- and after 72 hours of being kept alive by various machines, a little-known provision of ObamaCare kicks in, in which Weiner's plug must be pulled, his friends and family mercilessly teased by hospital staff, his organs harvested and auctioned to the highest (foreign) bidder, and his remains cremated and sold to be used as an additive to kitty litter. By such methods, American health care is kept as affordable and efficient as ever, and the populace is reassured that there is, indeed, Cosmic Justice.**

8. President Obama will return from a minimum of five vacations this year. It will be remarked that Air Force One works harder than he does, and the person who makes that remark will be shouted down by the media for being the absolute worst of racists. Two days later, Al Sharpton will remark that White People want to burn Black Babies in the Womb, and Infect the Black Elderly with Ebola , and he'll be applauded by the same media for his superior"Social Conscience", and actually taken seriously.

9. Nancy Pelosi will finally have that exorcism that she's been putting off for the last three decades. In the process, we will find out that the woman who became Speaker of the House and ran roughshod over the Constitutional Process, was actually a demon named Larry from the 345th layer of the Abyss, who has no idea how it was that he came to be entwined with the soul of Pelosi, as he thought he was catching a train to Scarsdale. In an exclusive interview with People magazine, Larry will tell the harrowing tale of being trapped inside such an unattractive body, but lift your spirits with his "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade..." philosophy, which he discovered when he came to painful terms with his imprisonment; If you're going to be stuck inside a cast-iron bitch with a black soul that frightens even the demonspawn, you might as well make the best of it. He takes credit for the devious manner in ObamaCare was passed, and the $14 trillion National Debt. Larry will later be the hands-down winner of the Hellspawn Award, given in recognition of great contributions to Earthly Chaos and Black-hearted Evil, and personally decorated for his actions by Satan himself. Of course, Larry will be wearing Chanel on the Big Evening, and simply can't wait for the Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview.

10. Vice President Joe Biden will have emergency surgery to remove a small fragment of brain lodged in his skull. In a daring, never-before-tried medical procedure (paid for by the Gold-plated private medical insurance that all members of the Executive Branch were given for free under Obamacare), doctors will try to perform the first Anoencephaloplasty, in which they will try to save the brain fragment by implanting it in Biden's rectum. They decide this risky maneuver is the safest and most logical thing to do, seeing as how Biden's head is already firmly ensconced within his asshole. The operation will be a success, and Biden will have finally learned his alphabets, and to tie his shoes. These accomplishments make him the hands-on favorite to win the democratic nomination for 2012. As the Vice President convalesces, President Obama takes a quick trip to Rio De Janiero for Mardi Gras, and then plays a month of golf in Scotland.

* = we here at the Asylum certainly do not wish any misfortune upon Senator McCain.

** = we here at the Asylum certainly do wish the worst-possible misfortunes upon Rep. Weiner and Sen. Schumer, we're just not advocating that someone actually take any action in that regard, nor that anyone should take it upon themselves to go hunting for these men.

I Don't Care if She's a Democrat...

...I'd vote for her just because the rest of the NY Congressional delegation is so damned unattractive! We have the ugliest Congressional delegation in the country here in the New York, and it's a national disgrace!

This stunning lady is Reshma Saujani, and she's about to square off with Carolyn Maloney (Useless Mouth-New York) who turned her husband's murder on the Long Island Railroad into a congressional seat many years ago, and has done nothing else since...except help promote the disintegration of America by voting liberal-line on everything possible.

She's apparently caused a bit of a kerfuffle in democratic political circles by suggesting that she's not exactly an orthodox democratic footsoldier.

Now, if the fact that there's a smart AND attractive democrat female running for Congress in a state that's dominated by the likes of Louise Slaughter, Charlie Rangel, Anthony Weiner and Chuckie Schumer, wasn't enough to make you think about crossing party lines, she's should get the nod just for this:

But if she loses her Sept. 14 primary with incumbent Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-Manhattan-Queens), Saujani said she might just stay home and not vote at all.

"I'm a Democrat, I'm a passionate Democrat, [but] I don't know. I'm going to be honest with you ... I might not vote."

Unfortunately, it was the wrong thing to say, if only because the democratic machine in New York quickly attacked her for having the temerity to suggest that she might break ranks and not support her opponent, if Maloney wins. Quoth some democratic party apparatchik pretending to be a college professor:

"If she plans as running as a Democrat again, it would behoove her to think about expressing support for Democrats," said David Birdsell, a Baruch College political scientist.

And of course, the retraction came right away:

A damage-controlling Saujani spokesman backpedaled via an emailed statement that said simply, "Reshma will vote a straight Democratic ticket on November 2nd no matter the outcome of the primary.

Still, if Miss Saujani wants to come over to "The Dark Side", we republicans would never treat her in such shoddy fashion. Democrats are such bullies. The fact that the democratic party so quickly jumped on someone they usually claim is one of their own (woman, person of color) in order to enforce ideological orthodoxy, though, is extremely telling and let's you know just what their priorities truly are. They aren't interested in finding the best-qualified individuals for those congressional seats, just the most politically-reliable.

Then again, perhaps the fact that they came out so strongly and attacked Miss Saujani over her initial stance is a harbinger of things to come: New York democrats are terrified of losing so many races that they can't afford to lose a solitary vote, not just to gain victory, but in the vain hope that they can perhaps make some of these races look closer than they might otherwise be.
I expect to see at least one repeat of Florida 2000 in New York this November.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might take the rest of the week off to drool...

UPDATE: I have made an error in identifying Ms. Saujani's opponent. I have mixed up Carloyn McCarthy and Carolyn Maloney. A correction can be found here.