Random Thought for Today...

I'm thinking President Obama is in Africa this week just waiting for Nelson Mandela to die, so that he can be photographed as being "Johnny on the Spot", ala Je$$e Jack$on, re: MLK.

In other words, Obama is there to wave the bloody shirt and assume the mantle of  Universal Uber Black Icon just as soon as Nelson gives up the ghost.

This explains a few things....especially why this "official visit"  seems to be going on forever.

That is how desperate Barack Obama has become to establish some sort of "Legacy": he's willing to waste $100 million to travel halfway around the world and hover over Mandela's deathbed like a fucking vulture. For....?

Oh, right: so someone can snap that dramatic picture (we can only hope it's black and white, because that makes it ever so much more 'dramatic') of Obama paying homage to the Great Man of History while simultaneously picking up his fallen mantle. If they can get Winnie Mandela to even be within seventeen feet of Odoofus (dare we dream? Perhaps actual physical contact between the two?), it's an even better image.

Maybe Morgan Freeman can reprise his typical "Magic Negro" role in the film version?

Otherwise, one wonders why Obama didn't just mail the usual ironclad-claptrap-semi-retarded speeches in? It's not like he's had anything to actually say to these folks that he hasn't already worn our ears out with, is it?

The Anticipation is Killing Me...

I hate waiting. I am the most impatient man, I think, the world has ever known. Particularly when it comes to having to wait in order to rid myself of a nuisance.

Why is it that time flies when we're having fun, but absolutely crawls when it comes to getting rid of  bad presidents?

This agonizing wait is reminiscent of those days of early childhood, when Christmas couldn't come soon enough, and when an afternoon was sometimes spent in anticipation of a visit from the Ice Cream truck. The bells and tinny music would be audible for miles before the truck actually arrived, and you wondered if the truck would ever get here so that you could buy your Bomb Pop and a Yoo-Hoo

Okay, Mitt Romney...Now What?

Imagine that you are Mitt Romney; you've just garnered enough delegates to win the GOP presidential primary, and have all but sewn up the nomination. You're about to go on the attack against The Anti-Christ...errr...President Obama. You're confident. You're in command of the facts and figures. You have found a message that resonates with at least two-thirds of republican primary voters and a mess of independents. You believe that you possess the skills necessary to transform your Vision of These Here United States into a workable program that the majority of Americans will understand, and then turn that vision into a reality.

Before you hit the ground running, Mr. Romney -- which, incidentally, is the time where most candidates stumble -- you'll need to keep a few things in perspective, and you'll have to deal with a few more issues in a more forthright manner than you have to date (although, i must admit, hitting the Obamatard on economics in front of a boarded-up Solyndra was a stroke of marketing genius).

So, unbidden, and with full confidence that no one who matters is going to listen to a thing I have to say, I would like to offer you some advice on seven subjects that I believe will be front-and-center in this election. If you follow my advice, Mr. Romney, I'm certain that not only will you coast to election, but you'll also force Modern Progressive Liberalism (three lies for the price of one) into a lengthy, decades-long retreat.

Ignore my advice at your peril!

Barack Obama: Shadows and Dust...

Mark Steyn sums up Obama's Life: Composite Autobiography, Composite Girlfriends, Composite President.


Money Quote:
"In a post-modern America, the things that Gatsby attempted to fake – an elite schooling – Obama actually had; the things that Gatsby attempted to obscure – the impoverished roots – merely add to Obama's luster. Gatsby claimed to have gone to Oxford, but nobody knew him there because he never went; Obama had a million bucks' worth of elite education at Occidental, Columbia and Harvard Law, and still nobody knew him ("Fox News contacted some 400 of his classmates and found no one who remembered him"). In that sense, Obama out-Gatsbys Gatsby: His "shiftless and unsuccessful" relatives – the deportation-dodging aunt on public housing in Boston, the DWI undocumented uncle, the $12-a-year brother back in Nairobi – are useful props in his story, the ever more vivid bit-players as the central character swims ever more out of focus, but they don't seem to know him either. The more autobiographies he writes, the less anybody knows."

Waiting for Barack Obama to either be defeated electorally in November, or die of the sickle cell, has become an unbearably slow process. It's glacially slow. It's like watching grass grow or paint dry. It's become so painful that I would assume that every third American at this point is simply begging some random redneck out there to put a bullet in this guy's brain pan, just to end the National Agony.

I'd gladly give African-Americans another gratuitous holiday for a non-entity in trade, for Christ's sake.

(Note: We here at at he Asylum do not condone, nor recommend, that anyone do any violence of any kind, to anyone,. Excepting Muslims, who should be hunted down and slaughtered mercilessly, so that we can win this so-called War on terror, and walk through the Airport without getting felt up or having to go barefoot).

The sooner this douchebag is off the stage, the better. If I were Barack Obama (which I, thankfully, am not – it would mean that I would have chosen Michelle on purpose), I would be more than happy to leave Washington, D.C. on January 20, 2013 and never show my face in public again.

Of course, that would assume that Barack Obama has a sense of shame. Of course he doesn’t: he’s a progressive (which means he lies as a habit); he’s a democrat (which means he’s expected to lie for a living); and he’s (half-) black man (which means it’s not a lie if it’s directed against white people, or if professing belief in his lies becomes a matter of personal safety for you in public).


I can’t wait for this guy to return to a well-deserved obscurity.

Seven Reasons Why Barack Obama Will Be Remembered As The Worst President Ever....

Pity Barack Obama. No, seriously...you should.

It can't be easy to be the President of the United States, particularly at this point in history: there is economic turmoil; the country is embroiled in three wars; political will in this country is divided and misdirected; you're married to that walking menstrual cycle.

If there's anything that our Commander-in-Chump is probably thankful for, it has to be an electorate that's too stupid to realize either it's true priorities or the depths of it's own stupidity. That is, after all, how he got elected in the first place.

From The "Don't Be Ridiculous Files"...

Short Answer: NO.

Some thoughts on Michelle Obama.

Exclusive! The Lunatic's Asylum Gets Advance Copy of Tonight's Obama Speech!

In a major journalistic coup, the Lunatic's Asylum has obtained an advance copy of the speech that President Marriott-Suites will be giving before a joint session of Congress this very evening. Lefty the Asylum Elf, after intense negotiations with Barack Obama's Teleprompter, snagged a snippet of the speech which we have been told we may publicize here at the Asylum.

Some Predictions for 2011...

I normally don't do this, but someone asked for it. His name and address will be withheld for his own personal safety. I'm not Nostradamus, and come to think of it, he was an Asshole: if his "predictions" are so damned good, how come they only make sense AFTER something happens? What kind of useless power is that?

Anyways, here's some things that I can see happening in America in the year 2011;

1. Hillary Clinton quits as Secretary of State, and announces her candidacy for President in 2012. She will talk up a heady Far-Left agenda in an attempt to outflank Obama with the disaffected pseudo-revolutionaries, aging hippies, and welfare queens of the New Left. This new-and-more-Lefty Hillary will be in marked contrast to the woman who spent the four years prior to 2008 positioning herself as a moderate, and has changed positions more often than Bill and Monica did. This transparently dishonest charade will go completely unremarked upon by anyone at (P)MSNBC. No one will call her a "quitter" for leaving the Senate, or abandoning her post as Secretary of State, because only Republican Woman ever quit to take better jobs and more money. When a Libtard does it, it's all in the name of Public Service, which somehow always means you leave Public Service with a really big bank account. The only thing worse than a Hilliary Clinton victory in 2012 will be the sight of Bill doing the pimp-walk back into the White House.

2. Mitt Romney will become the GOP front-runner for President in 2012 in the early polling, but will eventually be defeated in his quest to become Leader of the Free World because no one will vote for him in the Bible belt, where being a Mormon is synonymous with "Devil Worshiper" and "Baby Rapist", and only slightly better than "Catholic". This will leave the GOP hard-pressed to find a decent candidate that doesn't creep people out, have a secret pedophile past, bore them to death with invocations of the deity, or talk like a Tea-partier-but-possess-a-democrats-record. Which means that Mike Huckabee somehow sticks around far longer than he has any right to expect to bore the bejesus out of us with all his Jesus talk, and somehow manages to wrangle a VP slot from whatever hybrid Country Club-Inbred Redneck republican candidate the Tea Party happens to choose for them.

3. Michelle Obama finally fesses up, and reveals a secret so shocking that you will be amazed that it was successfully kept for all these years; she is actually a post-op transsexual, and used to play power forward at an NCAA Division I school that actually made it to the Sweet Sixteen, but was ultimately defeated by (who else?) Duke; a game in which she scored 12 points, and had 4 rebounds, coming in off the bench, but ultimately, fouled out, her sharp elbows more curse than aid that day. President Obama, stunned by the news, deals with this mighty personal blow by taking yet another vacation, this time to do some soul-searching and to re-evaluate his life, in Jamaica, Amsterdam, Las Vegas and Tierra Del Fuego. Upon his return, he and Michelle reconcile their differences over a game of HORSE in the Rose Garden.

4. Sarah Palin does what every woman does at least once in her life, given the opportunity. She entices the "return to the 1950's" wing of the Republican party right down to the very last second in 2011, showing a flash of political leg here, heaving a breathless, bosomy rhetorical sigh there, winking at the True Believers, batting her Conservative eyelashes at the Falling-All-Over-Themselves-Just-to-Be-Close-To-Her. She'll take their money. She'll drink in their adoration. She'll laugh at their stupid jokes, and playfully giggle at their innuendo, or perhaps, give a speech that gently caresses the back of their hands, before quickly withdrawing her lightest, gossamer touch. When the date is over, as they're standing on the front porch in that moonlit-awkward moment, she'll give them a handshake goodnight, trot out the old I-had-a-great-time-don't-call-me-I'll-call-you-quickly-duck-inside-slam-the-door-routine, and avoid those disappointed Conservatives at the Malt Shop for the rest of the school year. That's right, Sarah Palin eventually turns out to be a political cocktease, because she can't win, and hell, there's more money to be made soaking the rubes and getting free publicity out of your fertility.

5. Senator John McCain suffers a debilitating stroke or heart attack, and must step down from his by-now-largely-ceremonial post as Senator from Arizona. In the ensuing special election, McCain is ultimately succeeded by the GEICO Gecko, who has now also become the Official State Bird of Arizona (conservative commentators will remark that such things must be expected in a state populated by a growing number of Alzheimer's cases and illegal aliens who can't read the English ballots, and consequently, have no fucking clue just what they're voting for in the first place). The U.S. Senate will honor McCain with a Minute of Anti-Aircraft-Fire-and-Loud-Voices-Screaming-In-Vietnamese on the Senate Floor. In addition, Congress will authorize the John McCain Memorial Border Gate, a cardboard door mounted upon a single, rusty hinge, placed at a strategic gap in the Border Fence that will be opened or closed on alternate days in recognition of the Senator's principled stand on the issue of illegal immigration, and of his Herculean efforts to secure America's borders. *

6. Osama Bin Laden will make an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. having been granted the necessary travel and work visas by the Obama Administration. After yukking it up with Jay for an evening, bin Laden will be invited to the White House where President Obama will apologize profusely about all those close-call Predator strikes, and promises that it won't happen again if only Al'Qaeda pinkie-swears not to be mean to us anymore. Bin Laden agrees, but the deal is suddenly called off when Joe Biden spills his soup in Bin Laden's lap, and steals the cherry off his Parfait Desert, when no one is looking. The next day, there is a mushroom cloud billowing over Los Angeles, and President Obama will take great decisive action by going on vacation after this exhausting round of successful negotiations, which Chris Matthews will call "the greatest feat of American diplomacy, evah!" just as the fallout begins to descend on the east side of the Rockies.

7. Someone will, finally, shoot Rep. Anthony Weiner (Douche - NY) and Senator Charles Schumer (Dingbat - NY), two of the most annoying people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Schumer will survive the assassination attempt, if only because the .38 caliber bullet fired from a range of seven feet did not possess the power to actually penetrate his thick skull, and bulletproof inanity. Weiner, however, will not fare so well; his killer knew enough to shoot Weiner in the ass -- which was closer to his brain -- and after 72 hours of being kept alive by various machines, a little-known provision of ObamaCare kicks in, in which Weiner's plug must be pulled, his friends and family mercilessly teased by hospital staff, his organs harvested and auctioned to the highest (foreign) bidder, and his remains cremated and sold to be used as an additive to kitty litter. By such methods, American health care is kept as affordable and efficient as ever, and the populace is reassured that there is, indeed, Cosmic Justice.**

8. President Obama will return from a minimum of five vacations this year. It will be remarked that Air Force One works harder than he does, and the person who makes that remark will be shouted down by the media for being the absolute worst of racists. Two days later, Al Sharpton will remark that White People want to burn Black Babies in the Womb, and Infect the Black Elderly with Ebola , and he'll be applauded by the same media for his superior"Social Conscience", and actually taken seriously.

9. Nancy Pelosi will finally have that exorcism that she's been putting off for the last three decades. In the process, we will find out that the woman who became Speaker of the House and ran roughshod over the Constitutional Process, was actually a demon named Larry from the 345th layer of the Abyss, who has no idea how it was that he came to be entwined with the soul of Pelosi, as he thought he was catching a train to Scarsdale. In an exclusive interview with People magazine, Larry will tell the harrowing tale of being trapped inside such an unattractive body, but lift your spirits with his "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade..." philosophy, which he discovered when he came to painful terms with his imprisonment; If you're going to be stuck inside a cast-iron bitch with a black soul that frightens even the demonspawn, you might as well make the best of it. He takes credit for the devious manner in ObamaCare was passed, and the $14 trillion National Debt. Larry will later be the hands-down winner of the Hellspawn Award, given in recognition of great contributions to Earthly Chaos and Black-hearted Evil, and personally decorated for his actions by Satan himself. Of course, Larry will be wearing Chanel on the Big Evening, and simply can't wait for the Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview.

10. Vice President Joe Biden will have emergency surgery to remove a small fragment of brain lodged in his skull. In a daring, never-before-tried medical procedure (paid for by the Gold-plated private medical insurance that all members of the Executive Branch were given for free under Obamacare), doctors will try to perform the first Anoencephaloplasty, in which they will try to save the brain fragment by implanting it in Biden's rectum. They decide this risky maneuver is the safest and most logical thing to do, seeing as how Biden's head is already firmly ensconced within his asshole. The operation will be a success, and Biden will have finally learned his alphabets, and to tie his shoes. These accomplishments make him the hands-on favorite to win the democratic nomination for 2012. As the Vice President convalesces, President Obama takes a quick trip to Rio De Janiero for Mardi Gras, and then plays a month of golf in Scotland.

* = we here at the Asylum certainly do not wish any misfortune upon Senator McCain.

** = we here at the Asylum certainly do wish the worst-possible misfortunes upon Rep. Weiner and Sen. Schumer, we're just not advocating that someone actually take any action in that regard, nor that anyone should take it upon themselves to go hunting for these men.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do....

Because a Two-Year Vacation Can Be Tiring, You Know...

"Nothing refreshes a hard working couple, coming off an exhausting month of vacationing, like changing into eveningwear and moving right into a "packed social schedule"…with two major galas and a reception for college athletes."

(H/T American Thinker)

Update: Fixed link to original article.

Ten Reasons Why Obama Has Surpassed "Sucks" and Gone Straight to "Swallows"...

It took an ENGLISHMAN to write this?

Let Them Eat Beets!

Have you ever been to Spain? I have. Lovely country. Ever been to Marbella? Supposed to be one of the most fantastic beaches in all of the Mediterranean. Personally, I prefer Barcelona, but that's just me.

Have you ever been to Marbella, Spain, taken an entourage that required 60 hotel rooms and Secret Service protection, a government airplane, all for your seventh or eighth vacation in less than six months, at the height of the summer season, and had the tab picked up by a combination of the American taxpayer and sycophantic douchebags who think they're buying political favors?

No? Never happened to you before in your life, you say?

That's probably because you're not Michelle Antoinette...err...Obama.

To be fair, she's not the first First Lady to take advantage of one of the perks of the office, and being able to spend other people's money mindlessly and with no sense of shame -- that's a disease that everyone in Washington has these days. Hillary Clinton did the World Tour bullshit when she was First Lady. She toured Africa (where they told her that all that stuff about it"taking a village" to raise a child was just a bit of quaint bullshit they just told the tourists),and India, where the red spot she put on her forehead for the photo ops wasn't just for show: it was an indication of her politics.

While the First Family gallivants around Martha's Vineyard and Spain, while the President plays more golf than Tiger Woods (and these days, apparently better than Tiger. All that practice is paying off!). When Il Doofay isn't taking staged-before-a-paid-off-audience victory laps for things he hasn't done, or driving a Chevy Volt a whole five feet -- a microcosm of the Obama Presidency if ever there was one; a car no one wants, at a price no one can afford, with a power source produced in a foreign country, made solely for the benefit of Coastal elites who want and need a visible sign of their devotion to the tenets of a bullshit-disguised-as-science-insanity -- his wife is pretty much doing the same.

It is a fascinating development, I think, that in the last few weeks, that we're seeing Michelle Obama an awful lot. It tells you that the Chosen One is probably taking an awful lot of heat for his lackluster performance, and that SOMEONE had to be trotted out to draw attention away from the so-called "Recovery Summer" disaster, and Joe Biden just wasn't cutting it anymore (probably because everyone already knows he's a lying sack of dogsqueeze, and so pay him no mind).

So, Obama does what he always does when he needs something to deflect attention from his own shortcomings and failures: he throws someone under the bus. This time, it's his wife, and she's probably willing to make this sacrifice -- after all, it's not as if she's actually proud to be an American or anything,and so doesn't seethings in quite the same way as the rest of us do. In her mind, all this vacationing and opulence is probably just her form of reparations.

All of a sudden, Michelle emerges from the fake vegetable garden to "advocate" -- to the tune of $4 billion dollars -- for healthier food in public schools (excuse me, but why aren't parents feeding their own damned kids? Oh, right...only the non-Taxpaying ones aren't), or to show her own obviously-expanding waistline while calling for the American people to eat healthier, or extolling the virtues of beets to CBS news, who apparently couldn't find anything else to cover that day.

Why not send the Mrs. --fresh off yet another round of vacations -- to Europe, send enough people to fill a five-star hotel with her, give the whole trip a semi-diplomatic shine, and start an argument about who's paying for it, just so people will stop talking about those annoying and niggling (OMG! Oh no you didn't) details that haunt Obama's every waking hour; you know, things like Unemployment Numbers, Illegal Immigration, Health Care plans that can't be paid for, and just the general lack of competence that simply oozes out of the walls of the Oval Office.

The need for such manufactured scandal is even more critical when you own both Houses of Congress, can't get anything passed by Congrescritters worried about keeping their jobs, and have to pretend that it's "obstructionist Republicans" that are keeping your agenda in check. That may work with minority voters who are too stupid to count, and your loyal fellow-travelers who can't be bothered to for political reasons, but it doesn't fly with everyone else anymore. The old tricks and rhetoric are all worn out; they're too familiar, and familiarity breeds contempt. You need to do something that gets people thinking about something other than what a nimrod you are as President.

And that's where this White House is oh-so-predictable, and oh-so-easy-to-read; when things go badly, start a minor scandal -- and then try to sell it as your opposition trying to "distract" The People from the"vital business" of the government...like the current plans to figure out how to put 12million Illegal Aliens on the voter rolls while making look as if you're NOT putting 12 million Illegal Aliens on the voter rolls, and advancing socialism as "saving the economy". Bill Clinton did this pretty much all the time Until it caught up with him, of course).

The difference was that Clinton's Arkansas Mafia was a large operation, with plenty of Friends of Bill available to fall on swords. Obama doesn't have that luxury. He had Reverend Wright, his White Grandmother and Van Jones, and now, the only one left to commit (figurative) suicide on his behalf before the American People is Michelle. Barack Obama ran out of Kamikazes right quick, didn't he?

And as long as she's going to make that sacrifice, she might as well do it in a Five-Star Spanish resort, complete with a Royal Visit, right?