I'm Thinking of Marrying Her, Seriously...

I get the weirdest e-mail. Most of it, of course, is utter crap -- adverts, people telling me I'm an asshole (yes, I know...and proud of it, too, thank you), lots of updates from the various news sites and organizations that I subscribe to (Dear Dick Morris: all these e-mails are starting the get creepy. It's almost like you're stalking me!), and this past two months, the absolute worst of e-mails related to the 25th anniversary of my graduating high school class.

No, I did not attend. Nor did I answer any of the literally hundreds of "Hey, what are you doing now?" requests, or do anything more than delete all the senseless chatter that cluttered up my inbox. The truth is that I viscerally hated about 95% of the people I went to high school with (they were mostly Guidos, and wanna-be Guidos) back in the mid-80's, and of the remaining 5%, a good number of you are already dead, sadly (including one young man, a close friend, murdered before his 24th birthday. When his body was found and reported to the authorities, it turned out that it was his detective brother who was first on the scene to investigate. It's a sad tale all around). I seriously don't want to see you people, especially not after 25 years have passed and you've all become uglier and dumber, just so I can hear about your three divorces and two prostate operations over your eleventh drink.

I'm off track. Anyway, suffice to say that my mailbox simply overflows with spam e-mails, on a good day, and I ignore every last scrap...unless there's one that's just too damned good to pass up. This morning, we happen to have what may be one of the better Spam Scams I've seen to date.

For I have received an e-mail from Miss Adeliza Justin Yak. From the Sudan. Of course you've heard of her; her father is...or rather, was...the Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Advisor to President Salva Kir of South Sudan for Decentralization, a man killed in the prime of his life, in an unfortunate plane crash. We've all heard of him, of course. I remember the people crying in the streets of Cleveland, Ashtabula, Chillicothe, Intercourse and East Reacharound when the illustrious Minister Yak was killed. Why, I almost have to dab a tear or two from the corner of my eye just thinking about it now.

And just like John F. Kennedy, I'm sure people all over the world will very soon begin playing that game. You know the one;

"Where were you when the Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Advisor to President Slava Kir of South Sudan for Decentralization was killed?"

Anyways, it seems that Minister Yak left a fortune in a foreign bank to his daughter, who seems to pray a lot (First Red Flag!), and then attempt to contact complete strangers over the internet (Second Red Flag!), who will then sponsor her so that she can emigrate to the West (Third Red Flag! She's in it for the Green Card!) with $5.6 million bucks.

Here is the e-mail in question (I have edited out the hyperlinks for safety):

My Dearest one,

Hi, My name is Adeliza Justin Yak, 23years old originated from Sudan. I decide to contact you after my prayers, I really want to have a good relationship with you. My father Dr. Justin Yak was the former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr.Justin Yak and my mother including other top Military officers and top govaernment officials had been on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. (Link to news article on this crash removed by me)

After the burial of my father, my uncle conspired and sold my father's properties to a Chinease Expatriate and live nothing for me. On a faithful morning, I opened my father's briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I traveled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction to the bank was the money be release to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money
overseas.

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle have threaten to assassinate me. The amount is $5.6 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso. You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.

However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 10% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in yourestablishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transactionsincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am affraid of my wicked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours, Miss Adeliza Justin Yak

I'll bet that right this very second, there's some extremely desperate loser reading that message, and masturbating over it. He's probably also trying to work out how many plastic blow-up dolls and how much Vaseline he can purchase with that half-a-million bucks, to support his chronic masturbation habit. That's the sad part.

You know, I can honestly say that I've always wanted a wife from a Third-world shithole where swatting flies and dodging bubonic plague were the national pastimes. Especially one who probably prays five times a day, and has a death squad on her tail.

I'm smarter than that, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that there are millions of people stupid enough to actually buy this line of crap, and who will respond to that e-mail. Most of those responses will be along the lines of "How big are your tits?"or "What are you wearing now", which means that some douchebag in the African criminal enterprise that originated this scam has to wade through a few thousand cell-phone-quality dick pictures before he finds that one asshole who finally takes the bait.

There are people alive that are, in fact, that dumb; I know, because I used to work for them at Citigroup.

But what I really find strange about that particular message (and disturbing, too) is that Google saw fit to mark it as Spam (and perhaps as dangerous) before it even entered my mailbox...but then they sent it anyway. What the fuck is up with that?

By the way, Fellas, although she sounds like an absolutely fabulous catch, I don't think Miss Yak really exists; she's just a part being played by some dude in Nigeria, probably. Hate to burst your bubble that way, but what can I say? I care.