Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Mark Steyn on Obama's Regal Speeches...

A must read.

Two small, but relevant, ideas struck me about this column as soon as Steyn mentioned Alfred the Great and King Canute in relation to The Great Hopenchanger, but only because I'm a history buff:

1. Alfred the Great was forced -- some say naked, and in the dead of night -- to flee into a swamp to save his very life, because he had lost his kingdom to the Danes. It then took Alfred 25 years (in the real, not metaphorical wilderness) to reclaim his kingdom from the Vikings, the 9th Century version of Illegal Immigrants, and he had not completed that task before he had finally shuffled off the old mortal coil.

Alfred is generally regarded worthy of the appellation "The Great" (the only English king to ever bear that title), because it was he -- in defeat -- who manages to instill a sense of "Englishness" in a world that was increasingly going to the Vikings. His "Greatness" is to allude to a past that will very soon cease to exist because the country is being invaded and changed by outside forces. Yeah, I get lost on that one, too.

2. King Canute (a Viking, go figure!) becomes (in-)famous for regulating everything within an inch of it's sorry life (the better to tax it, you see) through a system of sycophantic political allies (can anyone say "czar"?). His legacy was that the anger and political disunity this fostered led directly -- upon his death -- to a three-cornered fight for the throne, and civil war. These wars would eventually culminate in the Greatest Disaster in English History -- the Norman Invasion of 1066.

A disaster because it meant putting the French in charge of everything --a sort of prototype European Union -- and it didn't work then, either. Oh, and by the way, William the Conqueror's Norman forebears were also illegal immigrants -- Vikings who had settled in France (seeing a pattern here?).

Barack Obama, in a way, is leading -- more like blindly stumbling -- this country towards a modern-day version of Alfred and Canute. only he has (marginally-) better speechwriters. Like Alfred, he is inspiring a nostalgia for what it was to be American, while we -- having lost those feelings of pride and specialness -- fight a rear-guard action that often requires us to tailor our economy and policies to suit the realities of being surrounded and invaded by hostile foreigners. Look around you: Tea Parties indicate political discontent and an unfair tax regime. The President of the United States bows to foreign potentates, mollycoddles illegal aliens, signs on to the most pie-in-the-sky environMENTAL policies, and even changes the very terminology of warfare, in order to satisfy an International Community whose overriding aim is to pull down the edifice of American Power, Prestige and Exceptionalism, brick-by-brick.

Obama must speak in vague generalities and the honey-dripping turn of phrase, because plain speech would give the game away. The truth is that we have, in a fit of desperation, elected a man who is incapable of finding his own ass with both hands and a flashlight (let alone know who's ass to kick in a National Emergency), who is a slave to his outmoded and unworkable ideology (did you just use "slave " in describing a black man? Racist!), and who is nothing but a slick marketing campaign in a suit. This truth cannot, ever, be told.

Because if it was, no one who wasn't a welfare recipient or an illegal alien would ever pull a lever for a democratic candidate again.

In a world that requires deeds, all Barack Obama has to offer is words -- and those are all written by someone else, and never make much sense. In making the comparison to Alfred and Canute, I wonder if Steyn wasn't coincidentally hitting upon the real danger and soon-to-be-legacy of Barack Obama.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Douchebag of the Week (6/8/10): Tony Hayward...

Yes, it has been a long hiatus for the DOW Award, but that was due to more than just simple apathy on my part; there have been far too many candidates to choose from. There were no truly Epic Douches, defined as those who stood head-and-shoulders above the field, to single out for special recognition. How to choose when the field is so full?

The sad fact of American Life is that the phenomenon of Douchebaggery has become so common is that it takes an industrial disaster of epic proportions to make the distinction between the huddled masses of workaday douchebags, and those who have ascended to the mystic and exalted heights of Mount Douchebottle -- the Olympus of Douchedom -- on their way to cosmic douchebag immortality, to burn brightly in the sky in the Galaxy We Call The Douchey Way.

Tony Hayward, the CEO of British Petroleum (BP) has made the arduous journey from ordinary douche (obnoxious businessman) to become the four-star General, the George S. Patton, if you will, of Douchedom.

Hayward's company has poisoned the Gulf of Mexico -- perhaps for generations -- with an oil spill that began 5,000 feet below the surface of the ocean, at the very limits of technological and engineering capabilities. BP has allegedly co-opted the very regulators (and politicians) who are supposed to ensure that a) BP doesn't make the mistakes that lead to an uncontrollable oil spill, and b) has a a plan and the wherewithal to clean up after those mistakes, with campaign contributions and a cozy relationship with the regulators that involves the promise of future employment.

It does this all the while running commercials, for years, about it's commitment to a cleaner environment and the Energy of Tomorrow.

BP has, despite protestations to the contrary, done little to protect the Gulf Coast, or to actually clean up after itself. It has lawyered up (and granted, the Obamatards stepped in right way with the threat of Federal lawsuits -- talk about putting carts before horses!) it has fudged the numbers on the size of the spill, the amount of oil leaking, the effects of it's counter-spill efforts, even the number and amount of claims it has paid to local fishermen. It has been aided and abetted by the Obama Administration it has bought and paid for, while all the while giving that same bunch of lame-ass morons both a plausible excuse for their piss-poor reaction (BP is responsible, not us!), and the excuse to further rape the American consumer and Taxpayer (tighter regulations and restrictions on the Energy Industry, as well as new taxes, are on the way).

BP is front-and-center in an environmental disaster that makes the Exxon Valdez look like a cup of coffee spilled in a bathtub. The scope and scale of this disaster, and the difficulty involved in shutting off the flow of oil, makes a Chernobyl-like explosion appear to be an acceptable risk in terms of making nuclear power a more-viable alternative to oil.

Yet, through it all -- all the ruined fisheries, the devastated local economies, the now-sure-to-be-cancelled tourist season, the dead pelicans and otters, the frightening imagery of an uncontrollable undersea volcano of black sludge -- Tony Hawyard feels picked on. He "wants his life back". He wants the media spotlight off his company, and him personally.

Poor baby.

You see, Tony, this is not about you, inasmuch as you have gotten the attention solely because you happen to be the man in charge. You're the CEO, you get the salary, and it's your job, frankly, to be the lightning rod in the shitstorm -- it's why you're overpaid in the first place. If it bothers you that much, then don't whine, just fucking quit. We couldn't possibly think any less of you, anyway. What this is really about is the millions of Americans whose lives are now going to be affected, perhaps for decades, because of this disaster. How do they get their lives back, Shithead?

And yet, Mr. Hayward, already regarded in this country as something slightly-less popular than Cholera, thinks he can make people forget that BP has destroyed their beaches and livelihoods, and that all his douchey tomfoolery over personalizing the effects can be erased by a propaganda campaign, a series of commercials and public service announcements about what BP is doing to help clean up the Gulf and make things right.

That sort of rehabilitate-the-image crap works for democratic party politicians, Mr. Hayward (mostly because their supporters are dumber than dogshit), but we're talking about people's wallets and health, now. Most Americans can be counted upon to misunderstand "complicated" issues like politics, but they certainly understand money and upset stomachs. And when some foreigner-with-a-bad-attitude insults them by pretending as if they don't matter (because Tony wants HIS life back, ignoring the lives his company has probably destroyed), Americans get angry and no amount of PR will douse the fires. Just ask George III what happens when Americans feel ignored, marginalized and ripped off by uppity British assholes.

If you think you can brazen this out after making your true feelings known, Mr. Hayward, you're in a sorrier position than Barack Obama, and probably in as thick a bubble, too. Commercials aside, even you can't be dumb enough to believe your own bullshit.

For being a total Douchebag above and beyond the call of duty -- for daring to think that you could brazen your way out of an ecological disaster of this magnitude, for displaying an intense conceit that is only explainable in psychological terms, for poisoning an entire sea, and finally, for giving the opportunistic and overreaching Obama Administration another excuse to practice their craft and destroy the American Energy Industry (and why not? They've already destroyed the Health Care Industry, the Auto Industry, the Real Estate Industry and the Banking Industry) -- Cap and Trade is on it's way, along with a bewildering array of new taxes, restrictions, regulations and so forth -- Tony Hayward becomes the first-ever recipient of the Douchebag of the Week Award With Oak Leaf Clusters.

And I know of a really big hole that you CAN plug with those clusters, Mr. Hayward.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

The End of Civilization...

...arrives not with a bang, but with a menopausal whine. For we are now officially living in the Age of Cougarlife. It was advertised on television today, and I nearly choked when I saw it (and not only because it was somewhat funny).

What is Cougarlife? It's a dating website for Cougars. What's a Cougar? Urban Dictionary has six definitions, which I will combine into one, easy-to-comprehend super-definition:

An older woman (35+ years old), often divorced and surgically-enhanced/preserved, but still attractive (if she's unattractive, she known as a mountain lion) found in all the usual haunts (bars, nightclubs, the beach, etc.), in search of younger, energetic, sexually-adventurous men.

The Cougar has an upside for the younger man; unlike many younger women, the Cougar is not likely to play games, or to be coy or confused about what she wants. She is seeking sex, usually consequence-free. There is a special sub-category of Cougar, known as the Bobcat, whose ultimate goal is to simply experience some form of intimacy -- any sort of intimacy -- without actually going all the way. Then there's the Cheetah, who is, I'm told, simply a Cougar-in-training (not quite old enough to qualify for full Cougar-hood, just yet).

This phenomena has spawned a new generation of opportunistic cad, known as the Cougar Hawk: young men on the prowl specifically for Cougars.

Damn, I gotta get out more, because I had not realized that human associations were being categorized in this manner. Then again, perhaps I'm better off staying home, because the more I read about this stuff, the sicker I get, as it seems yet one more sign of the ultimate degeneration of society as we know it.

In another day-and-age, the Cougar would be called various other names, beginning with "Skank", perhaps progressing to "Barfly", but finally arriving at the old formulation of "whore".

There are much cruder terms that I remember from my youth, which are far more descriptive and accurate, but which I will refrain from using. There was a time when women like this would be expected to feel some sense of shame, unless they were completely clueless. Now, apparently, promiscuity is a badge of courage.

Don't get me wrong, Men have been dogs since the model first slithered out of the Primordial Slime, and I do realize that times, fashions and mores change with "progress", but damn...Some of us can still respect a woman just because we're supposed to, you know.

I wonder how many of the padded-bra-and-girdle set who will undoubtedly sign up with Cougarlife (because once it's online, it somehow becomes hip) were probably the same women who spent most of their lives demanding respect from the Patriarchy, putting up with ex-husbands who only regarded them as good for one thing, and complained constantly about what absolute shitheels men, in general, are. They are now more-or-less advertising that they're willing to forego respect, and actively seek out shitheels, because...well, they're only good for one thing, and only to someone who probably won't appreciate them for it afterwards.

I'm not judging any woman who actually joins this site -- I know it sounds as if I am -- but I will tell say this about you;

If you thought you were treated like a piece of meat by every swinging dick on planet Earth before, just wait until the Internet makes this a 24-7-365 proposition. Despite the"Cougar" lifestyle and rules -- in which you're supposed to not form emotional attachments, and not expect him to call you the next day -- you know you ultimately will form bonds, and expect an acknowledgement of your existence because,'re female... and just that's how you're wired. This may seem like the greatest idea on Earth right now, but I can promise you that it'll eventually leave you feeling emptier than when you started.

Because, in the end, this isn't about you "empowering" yourself; it's all about Men once again finding yet another way (this time by using the power of Social Networking and Marketing!) to manipulate you into consequence-free sex, and making it seem like it was all your idea.

An Open Letter to Israel...

Dear Israelis,

Not that my opinion carries any weight, nor do you need my permission, but I'm inclined to agree with you when it comes to the idea that ships entering Gaza need to be searched for contraband. Especially the sort of contraband that goes"BOOM!". After all, it's not as if your next-door neighbors are really nice people who invite you over for coffee and cake all the time, or who will lend you a lawn edger or a cup of sugar when you need one. That's not Ozzy and Harriet next door, the lovely elderly couple that sits on the back porch sipping lemonade, you know.

In fact, those neighbors of yours are downright scary. When they aren't threatening to shove you into the sea, telling anyone who'll listen that Hitler did a lousy job, and complaining ad nauseum about how Grandpa Abdullah lost his 50 acre rock farm because he believed that an army of Arabs could win a war against people who'll actually fight back, then they're lobbing explosives into your housing developments, blowing up public transport or making a trip to the local pizzeria a life-or-death crap-shoot.

I mean, let's face it; it's not as if these so-called Palestinians are rational people. After all, it's not as if they can even take "YES" for an answer. It took them fifty years just to accept the Two-State solution they could have had in 1948, and that's still not good enough. Just look at what they instill in their children, who grow up believing their ultimate goal in life should be a spectacular suicide that takes as many Jews and Infidels with them as they can manage. Let's face it, if there was a Palestinian YouTube, it'd be nothing but wall-to-wall "Martyrdom" videos.

You Israelis are under the gun. Literally. For all the noise these Palestinians make about not wanting anything to do with Jews (except maybe kill them), they then have the nerve to be insulted when you build a fence to keep you apart. They whine and complain and make noises about "Peace", and then find excuses to continue the conflict.

You know what I think about this latest incident, with the boat? I think Hamas is running out of money, and whenever it runs out of money, it creates some sort of incident. The Intifadas were all about money -- Arafat got rich, taking aid from the U.S., U.N., E.U., Saudis, Russians, and others. Was anyones life improved for all those billions? Hell no! But everyone had an AK-47 to fire in the air at Yasser's funeral, didn't they? Palestinians cry that they have no food, no medicine, no electricity or jobs, but somehow fail to notice that everyone is armed to the teeth--courtesy of the Great Satan and all his Little Satans. It's perverse.

So, I don't blame Israel when it decides to board ships as a matter of self-defense. They've found weapons delivered under the cover of "Humanitarian Aid" before. I don't blame Israelis when they build walls, and I certainly cannot find fault with you Jews for simply defending yourself against people who's basic negotiating position is "I must kill Jews because God said give me money!"

In fact, I personally think you don't go far enough. No one is giving you any credit for the incredible restraint shown so far -- if it was me, there wouldn't be all this ruckus because there'd be no Palestinians -- so why not take it one step further? Why not just make it known that the next attack on Israel, the next boat that fails to halt for an inspection, the next unguided rocket, the next sniper, the next suicide bomber-- hell, even the next spitball or dirty look directed at an Israeli -- will result in the elimination of the "Palestinian State" altogether? I rather doubt anyone would notice it was gone, anyway.

Negotiation -- or even simple accommodation -- with Muslims is impossible. They aren't intelligent or rational enough to realize when something is in their best interests,if they even recognize their own interests at all. After all, they follow the words and exploits of a dead child molester who instructed them to walk around a big black rock in the middle of the desert and mutilate their women's vaginas. These are the people who believe that legitimate political discourse involves using airliners as weapons of mass destruction and the beheading the defenseless. These are people who have rules about which hand you can use to wipe your ass. People who submit to having even the most-intimate details of their lives directed in this way are incapable of being reasoned with.

Fuck 'em.

I know you won't take my advice, I mean, even my own government doesn't listen to me -- I begged GWB right here on this page to replace all human life in Iraq and Afghanistan with a genetically-engineered microorganism that eats sand and craps oil as a solution to the problem of Islamic Terrorism, but for some reason he found it necessary to deal with wastes of genetic material named Karzai and Maliki -- that's when he wasn't perpetuating the Big Lie of the Religion of Peace. My way would have saved billions of bucks, and thousands of lives, but there you go; I'm a solutions-oriented kinda guy.

However, if you did find it in your heart to follow my advice, I wouldn't be shocked. Nor would I stand outside the consulate here in New York, like many of the Aging Hippies and the dopey- college-kids-who-went-to-the-protest-in-order-to-get-extra-credit-so-that-they-won't-fail- Famous-Vaginas-in-American-Lit-102-and-get-hassled-by-Mommy-and-Daddy-who-pay-for-the-four-year-kegger.

In fact, I would applaud, because the only real solution to the problems of Islamic Terrorism and Middle East Peace is for one side in this conflict to be convinced that further violence in the name of a failed ideology, a deeply-irrational political system, and a phony religion will ensure that future generations will have even less -- and suffer even more. Unfortunately, the only way to convince these people that they're on the wrong path is to kill them in great numbers in the most terrible ways imaginable, because negotiation, appeasement, bribery, limited responses, diplomacy and embargo don't seem to be getting through to them.

Good Luck, and I hope you sink the next boatload of Commie-Pinko-Terrorist-Abetting douchebags that try another stunt like the one they pulled last week.