Thursday, September 09, 2010

Whoops! I Made a Mistake...

Yesterday, I made an entry on NY Congressional Candidate Reshma Saujani, where I identified her opponent, Carolyn Maloney, as the widow of a man murdered in the Long Island Railroad Massacre. That was an error: that particular sympathy queen is Carolyn McCarthy. I should have double-checked this and verified it before posting.

I've mixed the two up -- understandable, as New York democrats are interchangeable parts who all mouth the same platitudes - and a few readers have corrected me on this point.

I apologize for this mistake -- it shouldn't have happened -- and I will now put it to rights.

While Carolyn McCarthy is singularly unsuited to hold a Congressional seat on any basis beyond sympathy, Carolyn Maloney can't even boast of that questionable "qualification"; her (extremely wealthy, self-made-man) husband, after all, died indulging his passion for mountain climbing in Tibet. She was so hot to get into politics that her first office was as a City Council member representing Spanish Harlem. Just how it is that a wealthy southern lady from North Carolina living on the luxurious Upper East Side managed to convince poor Hispanics and Blacks that she was the one for them is one of those unanswerable questions of New York City politics. She later parlayed that council gig into a Congressional seat, where's she's done nothing except complain about having tits ever since.

She's especially (in-)famous for this stunning quotation about Kirsten Gillbrand, the hand-picked dunce that replaced Hillary Clinton as U.S. Senator:

I got a call from someone from Puerto Rico, [who] said Gillibrand went to Puerto Rico and came out for English Only (education). And he said, 'it was like saying nigger to a Puerto Rican'.

The excuse for this that she gave was that she was just repeating someone else's words, but many never believed her, and it torpedoed her bid to run against Gillibrand for that Senate seat.

Again, I apologize for mixing up my Libtards; it was a sloppy mistake.

On "Burn a Koran Day"...

Vis-a-vis the moron preacher and his stupid little publicity stunt. I'm still not linking to anything concerning this stupidity if only because doing so might actually raise this asshole's profile, and convince him (and his brain-dead legions) that they're worthy of being taken seriously. But, there have been a couple of ideas bouncing about the empty space between my ears about this nonsense that I just MUST put on record. These thoughts are not fully formulated (I haven't the time right now), so I'm sure there's some holes in my thinking.

1. Armageddon - people like this "Reverend", and most Evangelicals in general, are obsessed with Armageddon. They wish to bring about "The End of Days" in the selfish belief that they, alone, will be "saved" when the human race finally goes the way of the dinosaurs, and just about everything they do or advocate is colored by this stupidity. This idiot will not be deterred by plaintive wails for restraint, nor reasoned discourse, because it is his mission (just who imparted this authority upon him is an open question; he'll, naturally, say that "God" gave it to him, but unless the Almighty decides to make her presence known and announce otherwise, there is no way to verify this claim, and so Reverend Douchebag avoids the necessity of having to provide any proof of his deputation). We're not dealing with a rational man; we're dealing with a lunatic.

I don't believe that Reverend Asshole is simply engaging in his First Amendment right to protest or express his religious beliefs, nor do I believe that his tactics are part of some Divine Plan; I believe it's a deliberate provocation aimed at starting the Final Battle between Good and Evil for the purposes of bringing about the Rapture. Reverend Dickhead has taken it upon himself to light the fuse on the powder keg that will destroy the world for the sake of his own Salvation.

Of course, if he were a REAL Man of God, he would realize that God Herself will bring these events to pass in Her own good time, and under Her own conditions. One does not nudge the Almighty into action, and thinking you can is perhaps the greatest sin of all -- Pride. Let's see Reverend Nosepicker explain that one away when, after his little publicity stunt, no Third World War or Rapture-like event actually occurs, the Almighty apparently unconvinced by his show of flaming devotion.

For all his zeal about the True Faith and the Evils of Islam, Reverend Asswipe is no different than many of his enemies in this regard, Ahmadinijad, Bin Laden, Khomieini, and so forth.
People like this are simply too stupid and dangerous to live, and while I don't advocate that anyone go out and do Reverend Scumbag any harm, the next best thing is to simply ignore him and the flock of douchebags that follows in his wake. They're not capable of a solitary thought that doesn't originate in the so-called Good Book. I may be an agnostic, but I have read it, you know (unavoidable during 10 years of Catholic school education), and Revelations sounds to me more like the diary of some idiot's bad acid trip than it does the Word of God.

I also can't see how one reconciles the "Fuck you, we've been saved! Have a nice time in Hell, Sinners!" nature of the sort of Left-Behind Rapture these idiots envision with the Christian exhortation to "Love Thy Neighbor", or even the arrogance of believing that God will save them above all others, but then again logic was never the strong suit of the insanely religious. Frankly, if Heaven was full of insufferable Evangelicals, I'd rather be some place else, thank you.

2. No Graven Images - the Commandments say that there shall be no graven images of God, and by extension, no bestowal of mystic or supernatural power to inanimate objects. This was, in fact, one of the greatest complaints of Protestants (from whom Reverend Fuckhead's brand of Evangelicalism sprouted from) against the Catholic Church. The idea that icons, relics and saints cannot have, nor can invoke, the power of God for the purposes of Man was one of the hallmarks of the Protestant movement, and was used as an example of the worst abuses and superstitions of the Catholic Church.

It's still one of the most misunderstood of the Commandments; we still impart holy power on everything from books to statues to buildings to land. One of the greatest causes of strife in the world -- the contest for the Holy Land -- would have been laughed off by the early Protestant fathers as a Fool's Errand: the Land itself could not be Holy, for that would be a sin to believe it was. This is a belief that's been held in many orthodox Jewish sects, and is even prevalent in some aspects of Islam. If the very land that God-made-flesh walked upon isn't strictly-speaking sacred, how can a fucking book be?

Ah, but here's the rub: while (some) Protestants believe the power of God is not to be found in inanimate objects, their ENEMIES certainly do. By destroying their enemies' graven images they are actually doing the world a favor, they think. You are no more destroying the power of Islam by burning a book than your forebears destroyed the power of the Catholics when they broke stained-glass windows and destroyed statues of the Virgin. There's more Catholics than Protestants and Evangelicals on the planet, so that strategy apparently worked real well, didn't it? The power to destroy an object does not destroy the power of the ideals represented by said object.

Go ahead and burn a Koran, if you want, but it won't shake anyone's faith any more than science, logic and reality have shaken yours, Reverend Bedwetter. The answers to all of life's problems and contradictions aren't contained in a book written by human beings with a slew of mental disorders and an agenda. You can call it "wisdom" or "prophecy", but it doesn't make any of it true, or even often useful. Somehow, I doubt anyone who professes "faith" in anything will agree with me on that one, but there it is.

3. I'm not defending Islam at all. I think it is one of the most corrosive inventions of mankind, ranking right up there with National Socialism, Communism, Disco, the Pet Rock, Jimmy Carter, the Nehru Jacket and the idea of Hillary Clinton as "The Smartest Woman in the World". I've only said it a million times here; if it were up to me, there would be no Muslims at all. and while I have advocated for a Muslim genocide, the truth of the matter is that the fall of Islam. and all that comes with it.,will probably be brought about by cultural change long before it will be by either war or some Holy Pyromaniac. Islam doesn't die if you burn a book: it only dies when Muslims decide it's an anachronistic piece of crap that hasn't brought them anything useful, in much the same way that modern feminists are finding that Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and Naomi Wolf were all full of shit, and have done more harm than good.

I'm certain the Reverend Jerkoff wouldn't lose his faith if his church burned down, or if someone pissed on his Bible, so Revered Dingleberry is ultimately engaged in a useless act that will not change anyone's mind, or shake anyone's faith. It'll probably bring him more followers and donations, but that is probably his ultimate goal...unless he happens to trigger the Rapture in the meantime.

4. It's the 21st century; why do we still burn things? Are we still naked savages in awe of the mystical power of fire? They burn shit in some tribal-like mystical experience in places where civilization hasn't yet taken root, like New Guinea, the African jungles, and...the Islamic World. The act of burning something seems to have once possessed magical powers to people who hadn't discovered the wheel or hygiene (and who still haven't heard of such things), but this is America, crown jewel of the Modern Age (at least until Obama is done with it), and we're not snake-handling natives, although Reverend Asshat and his followers probably come pretty damned close.

Reverend Boy-Buggerer is in danger of becoming that which he so obviously hates.

As the saying goes "Pride cometh before the fall..." Have a nice trip as you're hoisted upon your own petard, Reverend.

"Like a Dog..."

It must really suck to be Barack Obama. I mean, how dare anyone demand results, and then offer criticism when there aren't any?

Your weekly dose of Professor Hanson.

Money quote:

Yet Obama’s petulance, I think, more likely derives from a certain surprise — leading to anger — that originates from novel and sudden demands for accountability. Quite simply, no one has dared question Obama before — much less press him for deeds to match his mellifluous words.

Did he really think he could talk his way through four years of the American presidency?

Fidel Castro: Cuban Model No Longer Works...

Nice try. Suddenly, Castro is the advocate for capitalism, and crusader against communism, nuclear weapons and anti-Semitism?

A deathbed conversion, perhaps, of the sort that used to be common in the Middle Ages? It was not unusual in days of yore for the absolute monarchs to pay lip service to the cause of the Church during their lives, while they exercised absolute power and committed the worst of sins, and to save the absolution of baptism for their very last days --- finally confessing all of their sins with their very last breath -- if only to hedge their bets against the torments of Hell they all feared would come to them for all the shit they had done in Life. While alive, they would praise the majesty of God, only to whore, steal, kill, torture and make war, knowing that in the end, the compliant bishop or cardinal in their pockets would anoint them with water and oil (many professed Christian beliefs all their lives, but reserved the sacrament of baptism for their deathbeds...nice trick!) and send them into the afterlife washed clean of sin. It was how "things were done" back in in the day.

The Church often required the protection and patronage of the Monarch, so it was quite happy to play this hypocritical game of looking the other way while King So-and-So became the biggest bastard on the planet in return for this last-second redemption. Eventually, the Enlightenment arrived and even the worst of Popes couldn't continue to shrug away the obvious -- the "system" as it were, was full double-standards , contradictions and incestuous undertones that became too onerous to hide, or explain away, and so the practice ceased.

But, enough about Castro's immortal soul and motivations, and back to the idea that Socialism doesn't work.

The Russians abandoned socialism simply because they could no longer hide the fact that seventy years of practice never delivered as promised, and that the reign of tyranny required to prop the system up was almost as bad, and often far worse, than the worst excesses of the Czars. Yes, the Soviets had nuclear weapons, but they also stood in queue several hours a day to buy toilet paper...assuming any was available. In the end, those who lived under the Soviet system and within it's satellite vassal states, had had enough of the double-standards, terror, scarcity and contradictions and demanded reform -- when they weren't just "voting with their feet" and hopping over the Berlin Wall. Once those reforms began, and the typical Soviet/Eastern Bloc citizen began to see for the first time just how badly he had been screwed by comparison with his Western counterpart, the reform express train rocketed out of control, and the Soviet Union collapsed under the weight of it's own contradictions.

And the former Communists all asked for forgiveness.

Looking North, the Chinese Communists had seen the effects of Gorbachev's perestroika and glasnost had had on the Soviet Empire, and decided that the same thing would not happen to them, and so while they embraced capitalism with both hands (abandoning all pretence of Socialism/Communism), they implemented a more restrictive and controlled variety -- they have tried mightily to manage the rate of increase in material wealth (while stealing as much as of it as they can). They've hoped to delay the inevitable call the for freedom and human rights that always accompanies any appreciable increase in living standards with a sort of outright bribery (Hey! You're rich, so what do you care for "rights"?); but they, too, will soon learn that's a pipe dream. The Chinese are "rich" --compared to their own standards of the past -- but will soon be richer. Those Chinese leaders who think they can control what they've unleashed are in for a rude awakening: in another generation, when the Chinese actually are rich (by Western standards) they're going to want to have those personal fortunes secured, and the first danger they'll want them protected against is their own Government.

I'm stocking up on Orville Reddenbacher for when that day finally arrives. It's going to be one hell of a fireworks show.

Europeans are finally waking up to the fact that their brand of "democratic socialism" has also been a failure (except in Greece, where they seem incapable of understanding this), and in some quarters, governments are taking steps to begin -- if not fully dismantling their ridiculous social schemes -- at least making the atmosphere more amenable to market capitalism than it was before(see: Germany). When the World Economy begins to truly recover in a few years, don't be surprised if it is the Europeans who will lead the way.

Vietnam, where so many American lives were wasted in a War that began the process of disintegration in America's moral fabric (and I'm not talking religious morals, which are bullshit), has abandoned the very communism they fought for seven decades to implement, discovering for themselves that it doesn't work. They too have embraced capitalism, even to the point where some now openly begin to ask why they didn't just surrender to the United States in the first place instead of fighting and suffering for so long.

And now Fidel Castro adds his voice to the world-wide chorus;

"Socialism Sucks!".

Of course, he only does so in the very twilight of his life, after he's enjoyed all the perks and perversions that come with being an absolute dictator. Much like a latter-day Constantine the Great, he seeks to shuffle off this mortal coil with a clean soul, and so this admission that his state and system are failures are his brand of last-second baptism. And so forgiven his sins (he thinks), he will pass into history much like Constantine: remembered not as the warlord, thief and rapist -- but as the Saint. Good luck with that one.

The lessons are everywhere, but are Barack Obama and the American Left paying any attention? I rather doubt they are; they're blinded by the idea that America is an evil place, full of greedy people, who have trodden on the rights and aspirations of millions for it's own selfish ends, and do not see the country that has striven mightily to repent of it's own sins and to bring it's enlightened system to billions more. The Russians, the Chinese, Europeans, Vietnamese, and now the Cubans have realized how wrong they were and are making efforts to adapt to this reality. Will Barack Obama ever be able to do the same? Or, like the Absolute Monarchs of old, does he believe that he can perform the greatest evils imaginable in life (although I don't expect Obama to actually rape anyone; he'll only do so figuratively with taxes, regulations and redistribution), only to have his personal bishops (the Media, academia) grant him absolution in the waning moments of life? When Obama is within seconds of the Dirt Nap, will he, too, suddenly raise from the deathbed to proclaim "I was wrong!"?

I wouldn't count on it.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

I Don't Care if She's a Democrat...

...I'd vote for her just because the rest of the NY Congressional delegation is so damned unattractive! We have the ugliest Congressional delegation in the country here in the New York, and it's a national disgrace!

This stunning lady is Reshma Saujani, and she's about to square off with Carolyn Maloney (Useless Mouth-New York) who turned her husband's murder on the Long Island Railroad into a congressional seat many years ago, and has done nothing else since...except help promote the disintegration of America by voting liberal-line on everything possible.

She's apparently caused a bit of a kerfuffle in democratic political circles by suggesting that she's not exactly an orthodox democratic footsoldier.

Now, if the fact that there's a smart AND attractive democrat female running for Congress in a state that's dominated by the likes of Louise Slaughter, Charlie Rangel, Anthony Weiner and Chuckie Schumer, wasn't enough to make you think about crossing party lines, she's should get the nod just for this:
But if she loses her Sept. 14 primary with incumbent Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-Manhattan-Queens), Saujani said she might just stay home and not vote at all.

"I'm a Democrat, I'm a passionate Democrat, [but] I don't know. I'm going to be honest with you ... I might not vote."

Unfortunately, it was the wrong thing to say, if only because the democratic machine in New York quickly attacked her for having the temerity to suggest that she might break ranks and not support her opponent, if Maloney wins. Quoth some democratic party apparatchik pretending to be a college professor:

"If she plans as running as a Democrat again, it would behoove her to think about expressing support for Democrats," said David Birdsell, a Baruch College political scientist.

And of course, the retraction came right away:
A damage-controlling Saujani spokesman backpedaled via an emailed statement that said simply, "Reshma will vote a straight Democratic ticket on November 2nd no matter the outcome of the primary.

Still, if Miss Saujani wants to come over to "The Dark Side", we republicans would never treat her in such shoddy fashion. Democrats are such bullies. The fact that the democratic party so quickly jumped on someone they usually claim is one of their own (woman, person of color) in order to enforce ideological orthodoxy, though, is extremely telling and let's you know just what their priorities truly are. They aren't interested in finding the best-qualified individuals for those congressional seats, just the most politically-reliable.

Then again, perhaps the fact that they came out so strongly and attacked Miss Saujani over her initial stance is a harbinger of things to come: New York democrats are terrified of losing so many races that they can't afford to lose a solitary vote, not just to gain victory, but in the vain hope that they can perhaps make some of these races look closer than they might otherwise be.
I expect to see at least one repeat of Florida 2000 in New York this November.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might take the rest of the week off to drool...

UPDATE: I have made an error in identifying Ms. Saujani's opponent. I have mixed up Carloyn McCarthy and Carolyn Maloney. A correction can be found here.

Buchannan: McCain Won By Being A Douche...

Who knew Pat Buchannan was still alive? Who the fuck taught him how to use a computer? When does he go back on his meds?

Pasty wails today about the unseemly electoral tactics of John McCain in his defeat of The Joker-Look-Alike Contest Runner-Up, J.D. Hayworth.

A few quibbles, if I may, Mr. Buchanan:

1. J.D. Hayworth is not an "authentic" anything, let alone conservative. His kind of "conservatism" is a tribal affiliation, little more than the wearing of gang colors. Then again, neither is McCain a conservative. In the race between neither-really-a-conservative "Douchebag" and "Shit Sandwich", the people of Arizona chose "Douchebag" as the lesser of two evils. This, unfortunately, is the state of American electoral democracy today. In a perfect world, neither man would have been on the ballot. Why don't you write something about that tragedy, Patsy?

2. In the Obama-McCain race of 2008, I don't recall you being quite so critical of McCain, except for your appearances on MSNBC as resident-curmudgeon-in-chief, where there's a check involved, I imagine. In your own personal dilemma of Douchebag-vs-Shit-Sandwich-and-which-do-I-criticize-more-on-TV, you grudgingly supported Douchebag McCain too, if only because to do otherwise would have been a tacit approval of Obama.

3. Don't suddenly get bent out of shape because you've just NOW realized that politics is a dirty profession. I suggest that your disgust at the process has less to do with McCain's tactics as much as it does with his victory, because if you could do to a democrap what McCain did too Hayworth, you'd do so with an indecent haste.

4. How is it that someone still pays you for your opinions? You are the Al Sharpton of the Pantybunched Right.

5. This quote is quite puzzling...

"But if the GOP takes the advice of its establishment,
and the neocons who seek power to start another war, and walks away from
cultural, social and moral issues, which are far more popular than the party
itself, folks who care about the character of the country and national identity
should walk away from that party, and find outliers who will pick up the banner
and carry it forward..."

...coming, as it does, from one of those very same "establishment" figures in GOP politics, i.e. YOURSELF.

And what the fuck is a "neocon"? Ever since that term has come into common parlance, it seems that it's only possible definition is "a republican that doesn't agree with Me,and just cave to my ridiculous demands", and has been freely used by both the Communism-is-good-Left and the Taliban-Has-Some-Good-Points-Right. If it is, as I take it to mean "a republican who is willing to find common ground and consensus where that is possible, for the common good, even if it means telling the Church Pikers to fuck off", then this makes a nonsense of this little bit of stupidity in the very next paragraph;

Americans motivated by causes need to maintain their freedom and independence of both parties, forming what George W. Bush liked to call "alliances of the willing.

This is rich: in one paragraph you denounce the "Neocon" War-starters, and then cite George W. Bush (with whom the term "Neocon" originated), as a shining example of enlightened leadership? Do you even read what you write, anymore, Pat?

From the "What Did You Expect?" Files...

Attorney convicted of stealing from Federal biofuel subsidy program.

Combine the sleaziness of a lawyer with the scam that is Global Warming, and you're just asking to be ripped-off, aren't you? I mean, in the dictionary, under "attorney" it says "see: State-licensed Thief."

In other news:

Al Sharpton is being audited.

Combine the sleaziness of a prototypical street hustler...err..."Reverend" with a taste for expensive suits and the long-ago-won cause of Civil Rights, and you're you're just asking to be ripped off, aren't you? After all, in the dictionary, under"Civil Rights Leader", it says "see: Rich Asshole Who Does No Productve Work".

The source of the problem, in both cases, is government throwing money away -- on a bewildering array of politically-motivated stupidity -- without thinking about the consequences, or making any effort to make certain that what the taxpayer is funding is actually useful to anyone, besides the jerkoff who picks up the check.

When someone finally does get around to providing some oversight, it's usually too late, and the money has disappeared.

They Didn't Understand It In 1776, Either...

The BBC Misunderstands the Tea Party Movement.

History repeats itself, and the British government (the BBC is, after all, government-funded) fails to see what is so plainly before their noses.

EnviroMENTALISM is a Danger to Us All...

James Jay Lee was simply another link in the chain of radical Eliminationists who espouse everything from Abortion to Forced Sterlization to Concentration Camps, all in the name of the "Progressive" cause.

They Still Think Al Gore Really Won in 2000, Too....

The New York Times ("All the news that's fit to fake...") regales us with a story about Arizona democrats fuming over "fake" Green Party candidates...who happen to be Homeless* folks recruited by evil republicans...

What does it say about an Arizona democrat if you lose elections to the Homeless*? What does it say about democrats in general, when they have spent decades championing the cause of The Homeless*, only to suggest that The Homeless* have no right to run for political offices that should have gone to democrats because..well...they deserve them.

I mean, aren't The Homeless* citizens, too?

Well, if you're a democrat, apparently not. Everyone knows The Homeless* are simply a club with which to beat republicans over the head when they're in power. But, I digress...

Of course, all the consternation boils down to one thing: the elitist attitude of some democrats, who believe they are entitled to win elections because...they care...and stuff, and that some candidates are more deserving than others, especially those who have patiently awaited their turn while dutifully serving the democratic Party machinery. These small posts are often springboards to better, and more powerful ones, from whence they can really do damage to society and the Republic, and better implement their oppressive brand of utter bullshit. They deserve these posts, many of which are simply sinecures, by virtue of who they are, and what they claim to stand for. You can't let something as trifling as a requirement for a competitive election get in the way of getting a democrat elected to anything.

That a Homeless* person might actually be able to do the job they're trying to get elected to do never seems to enter into the equation, nor does anyone even think about their rights as citizens or to hold public office -- if they somehow find the means to run (I rather doubt you get there on spare change and turning aluminum cans in for recycling).

Now, is it political subterfuge by republicans to pull any douchebag off the street and stick him/her on a ballot in the hopes of splitting the Leftard vote? No more than it is keeping dead democrats on the voter rolls, some who were born in 1825, I guess.

If I remember correctly, in the 2000 Presidential election,The City of Philadelphia (democratic stronghold)reported a 104% turnout by registered voters.

Chicago politics is (in)famous for it's ability to get dead voters to go out and vote for live people. In fact, Chicago democrats don't even try to hide the fact that their elections are rigged.

In the 2000 Senate Elections,Missouri democrats pulled off an even more amazing feat and got live people to vote for a dead man (Mel Carnahan), who's office was mysteriously passed on to his wife Jean when he won, posthumously. I didn't realize one could bequeath a Senate seat to a bereaved widow, did you? I wonder what article of the Constitution that one's in? She was such an effective legislator, and such a memorable personality, that I doubt that even anyone in her own family -- let alone the state of Missouri, and certainly not many nationally -- remembers just who the fuck she was.

In the 2000 Presidential Election, it was common knowledge that Al Gore's minions went out, scooped up every elderly person not circling the bowl,every welfare recipient and illegal alien they could find, bussed them to the polls, provided them with lunch, and even told them to "Pick #2" . The only reason this did not achieve the desired result, is that Gore was actually #3 on most ballots, hence all the hullabaloo about chads, scuff marks and divining "voter intent", and fucking lawsuits.

Every year, we hear stories of people handing out cigarettes and cash to the Homeless* to go and vote for certain candidates, or tires being slashed or vehicles vandalized to keep republicans from bringing their voters to the polls. Gunshots, Molotov cocktails through campaign-office windows, destruction of campaign signs, are election-year staple stories for most newspapers and local news channels, and the perpetrators of these acts typically turn out to be democrats.

John F. Kennedy became a senator because his father hired a man with the same name as JFK's opponent, and got him on the ballot, and in such fashion split the vote in Kennedy's favor. That bit of subterfuge eventually led that incredible douchebag to the Oval Office.

The point being, that if anyone knows a thing or two about voter fraud and political subterfuge, it would be a democrat. While I'm not for subverting the political process in any way, and would cheer the day when elections in America were truly fair, I find it uproariously funny to listen to democrats squeal when they are beaten at their own game, and with their own tactics.

* The Homeless live in refrigerator boxes, subway tunnels, abandoned buildings, mental institutions, and publicly-funded shelters. They are not so much"Homeless" as they are "people without a permanent address". Notice that under a democratic party regime, no one is talking about those who used to have a permanent address, but no longer do because they lost their job and defaulted on the mortgage...

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Burning Korans for Fun and Prophet...

There's some douchebag preacher in Florida who plans to burn the Koran on September 11th. Big fucking deal. It's clear he's out to get himself and his church some publicity, and The Church probably needs money -- because God never seems to have any -- and I'm certain there's a little boy, a mistress, or a gay threesome somewhere in Pastor Jim's past that needs to stay hidden. There almost always is, regardless of denomination; That collar is the perfect camouflage for the sexual predator or deviant.

I'm not linking to anything on the protest itself, because I'm not giving a religious nutjob any free pub.

Be that as it may, this idea of burning Korans in the public square has raised some serious questions about the nature of protest, the First Amendment, our views as Americans, and whether or not we actually believe in the ideals of this nation, as written by Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence, lo so many years ago.

Actually, the question is far less complex or sophisticated. It is, simply, this:

At what point do you find a protest that involves burning something not named Barney Frank or Usama Bin Laden to be pretty fucking lame?

If the guy wants to burn Korans, I really don't care. Here's the conventional-wisdom argument against it: I think we're beyond the times when such an action has any shock value to anyone, and all it will accomplish is to inflame Muslims (you mean they can get even more stupid-loony?), and yada, yada, yada. To those who make the argument that doing such things "only makes more terrorists", my response is "the only thing the Middle East has ever made is terrorists". They would have made more whether we burned a Koran or not, so what fucking difference does it make?

Go ahead, Redneck Preacher Man; it's just not shocking, funny, or relevant anymore, and will ultimatley mean nothing. Like guitar masses, or NASCAR. I'm sure you're just intelligent enoughto realize this, but can't pass up the oppoprtunity to make yourself "famous", and get a few more donations. What you propose to do is an action that, at some point in time -- nine years ago, to be exact -- would have made sense, but not now. As a form of protest, it seems weak and flabby; like we're re-living the 1960's when so-called men burned their draft cards, and women burned their bras, and everyone burned hemp. Every time I see a protest in which something burns, I'm reminded of those old movies from the 1930's that show the black natives who can't take a piss without first dancing for 20 minutes around a huge bonfire, chanting their war cries and waving their spears, a pork bone stuck through their nose, and their black skin smeared with white warpaint.

Why, I can almost see Fay Ray and the loincloths from here.

It just seems totally anachronistic -- and childish --to me to burn anything at a protest. Glenn Beck just had 400,000 people on the Mall at Washington, D.C. and no one had to burn anything to make their point, did they?

I'm not defending the Koran -- because it's a piece of shit full of the words of a dead child molester,and it deserves to burn -- but I find the whole idea of gathering the media to watch a crowd of inbred swampfolk Bible-thumpers burn books...well, rather retarded. It's lame. It's sad. It's so yawn-inducingly uninteresting. It's soooo Spanish Inquisition, which is pretty funny, since it's Protestants attacking the heresy of Islam this time around.

But, even this stupidity causes the chattering classes to look at "The Big Picture" (which is code for " Your intellectual superiors are about to tell you why you're wrong) .This is one of those times when the undeniable right to be a moron collides with the bigger moral question of "should you be allowed to be a moron for idiocy's sake alone?", an especially important question to ask when a General on the front lines chimes in and insists that doing so puts his troops in greater danger, and makes their mission more difficult.

Note: General Petreus was forced to even take that tame statement back by some of the same chattering (cl)asses who made a stink over his comments. I'll bet the majority of those voices was "conservative", and they only rebuked the General because there's a church involved.

Now, personally, I was always under the impression that the mission should be radically simplified to "just kill anything with laundry on it's head", but then I always was a simple man. Who knew that killing the enemy had to entail a carefully-planned program of symbolism, politics and propaganda?

"Today, 70 percent of all Pakistanis are inbred and in Turkey the amount is between 25-30 percent"

Told you so.

You ought to read this; it's absolutely fascinating. And disgusting. And it explains an awful lot.

I was especially stunned to learn that 7 out of 10 Turks have never read a book.

(H/T The Closet Conservative)

UPDATE: The original link seems to have been taken down. I have reposted with the cached link.

Muslims Ask: Will We Ever Belong?

Short answer: No.

Reason; you're a bunch of inbred violent retards who are apparently allergic to soap.

The NYT tries to spin Americans demanding some consideration for their feelings and sensibilities into a modern-day Krystalnacht, the days of "No Irish Need Apply", and Japanese Internment all rolled into one. Nice try, douchebags.

If there was ever a group of people on Planet Earth less deserving of sympathy, it's Muslims.

Naturally, according to the Times, this "Uncertain, Frightened Muslim" meme is all the fault of "red state" people, i.e republicans and conservatives, typically white, most likely Christian. In fact, the Times goes to great lengths to imply this, without coming out and directly saying it; the term "Red State People" appears multiple times. Funny, but it's usually Libtards who accuse republicans of "speaking in racial code".

Notice that nowhere in the article does the fourth-grader who wrote it ever ask the question why Americans might have cause to be suspicious, even fearful, of Muslims. Naturally, the question is never asked, because then it would be answered, and the whole "we're a poor, oppressed, misunderstood people" theme would fly right the fuck out the window.

So, I'll answer the question for all those Muslims who haven't been paying attention for the last 50+ years. If your American neighbors hate your fucking guts, it's because you've forgotten the following:

The Munich Olympics, The Achille Lauro, Carlos the Jackal, The Intifada, Pan Am 103, Robert Steatham, the Marine Barracks in Beirut, Fort Hood Shooting, the African Embassy bombings, the Entebbe Raid, Khobar Towers, the USS Cole, the Rome and Vienna airport attacks, Saddam Hussein and Two Gulf Wars, The Iranian Hostage Crisis, the London Tube bombings, Underwear Bombers, Shoe Bombers, Time Square Bombers, numerous (it must be in the thousands, by now) plane hijackings, car-bombings, rockets and mortar shells lobbed into residential neighborhoods, the Internet beheadings, Al'Qada, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, The Taliban, Ayotollah Khomeini, and September 11th.

I could go on and on, but I'd only be beating dead horses.

Not only have you forgotten (conveniently) the events, but you still seem unable to remember just who the players in these little dramas are/were; they're your uncles, brothers, fathers, cousins and sons.

When you insist that a) you're not responsible, and, b) that it isn't your fault these things happen, despite the evidence, don't be surprised if your American neighbors distrust you --- and perhaps, even hate you. From their point of view, Islam's top exports aren't peaceful people just seeking a better life; it's violent morons laboring under the misapprehension that they're justified in what they do, and even that it's somehow God's will that they commit violent acts of murder. They often do so safe in the knowledge that their brethren will support and protect them because you are incapable of making the choice between what is right, and your phony-baloney religion.

Start turning in your more violent assholes on a regular basis, and perhaps we'll start talking. You know who they are.

You can't belong until you tell yourselves the truth about what you are, the culture from whence you come, and the murderous lunatics that it creates.

In other religious news, Christopher Hitchens aims his guns at all religions, but has this tasty little tidbit for the Bedouin Blowhards:

"What is needed from the supporters of this very confident faith is more self-criticism and less self-pity and self-righteousness."

"Something Weird Happens When Presidencies Go Wrong"

Not as weird or as wrong as what happens when you elect the wrong President.

We don't have a President, just a self-absorbed douchebag on perpetual vacation.

From the Ever-expanding "Why Psychiatry is Bullshit" File

Mostly because Sigmund Freud was a sick asshole obsessed with his own feces.

Study: Repressed Memories are a load of Bullshit.

I wonder what all the poor slobs convicted of sex-crimes against children on the basis of "Repressed Memory Expert" testimony will have to say about this?

Iowahawk Talks to Barack Obama...

If you are not reading Iowahawk regularly, get help.

Monday, September 06, 2010

My Plans for World Domination Continue Apace...

Blogger recently, and very conveniently, added a slew of new tools for it's member sites. These tools revolve around letting you know who is reading your blog, where they are reading it from, and how they found you. Before Blogger added these things, I had to go through some convoluted mumbo-jumbo -- and sacrifice a virgin -- in order to get this information.

It was a regal pain in the ass, and I'm guessing now,was not always totally accurate. We won't even get into the problems inherent in finding virgins; never mind Bald Eagles and Bengal Tigers, it's Virgins that are a rapidly disappearing species.

I blame Snooki -- and those commercials where the mother and daughter talk freely about "not feeling fresh". But, I digress...

Anyways, one of the more interesting features of this new bundle of crap is that I get to "see" my readers, by country, on a small, color-coded map of the world. It also tells me how they arrived at my site; whether they are regulars to Blogger, ride a link from another site, or find it with an internet search engine.

This information has been startling. I had no idea.

I wasn't all that surprised to discover that the majority of my "hits" come from readers in the United States; better than half of them do. I was shocked to discover that the next best-represented country was The Netherlands, followed closely by South Korea. Probably folks looking to brush up on their American swear words, I suppose.

The list continues, and surprises: Latvia, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Brazil, Australia, Canada, Germany, the UK, Denmark, China, France, Columbia, and even fucking Luxembourg. I'm reaching Luxembourg, where about four people live, and three of them are coming here regularly.

I'm also finding out that most people still find this place quite by accident. I haven't done a very good job of getting other bloggers to cross-link to me, but then again, I really hate to ask them to do so, and so rarely ever do. Perhaps if I did, I might find traffic from Mongolia, Lichtenstein and Borneo. Then again, if I was receiving traffic from those places, I'd start to worry -- it would mean there are people just as stupid-crazy as I am, and they live in even bigger shitholes; a certain recipe for disaster!

And of those who find this blog completely by accident, say through a search engine? It seems the four most popular search terms that will bring you here are:

a) Douchebag (naturally!)

b) Muslims/Islam/Terrorism (a three-way tie)

c) Masturbation (and it's associated terms)

d) Medicine

Don't ask me why; but I think I may have referenced masturbation a time or two. I actually find that pretty funny in a 13-year-old kinda way. Oh, and you people should be ashamed of yourselves -- that will cause you to go blind. I also find it stupid-funny that someone on this planet would type"douchebag" into a search engine -- repeatedly -- without being a deviant, or drunk,and possibly both.

But, it appears as if my brand of insanity is reaching around the globe, and soon my minions will be legion -- at which point, I can fire the lot of Insanity Elves here at Lunatic Central, and not a minute too soon: they're demanding Dental, Swifty the E-Mail Elf is complaining about the sticky e-mails I get (probably from the masturbators), and Lefty the Grammar Elf is agitating for unionization like a latter-day Jimmy Hoffa huffing paint.

I just want to say: Thanks -- it's all pretty neat!

Quick! Get a Great Big Can of Raid!

Hundreds of Thousand of Muslims Gather For Ramadan.

And while that is happening, we learn that the followers of the Religion of Peace in Afghanistan are celebrating by burning American flags and shouting "Death to America!"

If that doesn't get your blood boiling, Newsweek is now wondering if Americans didn't overreact to the 9/11 attacks.

Considering there are hundreds of thousands of Muslims are gathering in Mecca, others are berating the Great Satan in a land where his soldiers are dying to bring them indoor plumbing and literacy, and a bunch of characters with shady backgrounds and connections to terrorist groups are preparing to build a Victory Monument to Mohammad Atta at Ground Zero, I would say "no", if only because of the fact that there's any Muslim left alive...anywhere.

If it were me, there would have been no invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan, no War on Terror, no lost limbs, no trillion dollars spent to bring civilization to the uncivilized, no debates about waterboarding, no Abu Ghraib, no political discord. Nope, if it were me in the White House on September 11th, the extermination of the Muslims would have begun on September 12th.

Right after breakfast.

It's amazing that Newsweek is still in print, and not so remarkable that it was recently sold to some rich douchebag with no sense for $1.

Fareed Zakaria isn't even worth the bullet I'd like to see put in his brainpan*.

*No, that is not an invitation or exhortation to do anything nasty to Mr. Zakaria. So don't.

Your Brain on Progressivism...

McDonalds is under fire for making food too expensive for The Homeless* in San Francisco.

How do you reconcile the following contradictions if you're a Libtard:

The Homeless* people need to eat, but McDonald's is suppposed to be bad for them -- unless an independant franchisee (i.e. Evil Capitalist!) makes a business decision that might put more money in his pockets, and price the riff-raff out of his restaurant?

I know: you file a lawsuit! But, barring that, you simply have the local fishwrap waste space on a heartstring-tugging tale of class-warfare disguised as Nurtritional Discrimination.

You know, you usually only see stories about the plight of The Homeless* during republican administrations, ifonly to reinforce thelibtard belief that conservatives are heartless douchebags. I find it amazing that we're seeing them during the Reign of Barack I.

He must really suck, huh?

* The term "The Homeless" is a misnomer: cardboard boxes abound, and it wasn't all that long ago that the banks would give half-million-dollar mortgages to people who had part-time jobs, and a heartbeat.

But Cats Are More Useful Than Belgians...

All Belgians must sterilize and register their cats by 2016.

Register a cat? I'm reminded of this classic farce.

Of Rats and Sinking Ships...

Sometimes, you wish the rats would stay aboard just a little longer, and go down with the ship.

But rats have no sense of loyalty, and apparently, neither do New York Times opinion columnists. They also have no shame, or sense of propriety.

These idiots praised Obama to the heavens, and it's only now, when after two years they haven't gotten their full-frontal socialism yet (complete with gulags for the republicans, conservatives and Tea Party) do they finally get around to telling the truth about the Turd-Polisher-in-Chief.

Obama has no vision.

Really? Whatever gave it away, Mr Krugman? Mr. Friedman?

No wonder the only time I see the New York Times is when some vagrant is wiping his ass in a public park with it. These guys get paid to spew utter bullshit, and I don't?

Tom Friedman and Paul Krugman are the epitome of the Flapping Rectum class. With any luck, when the Obama Titanic Team finally goes down with the ship, they can take these two with them.

Sometimes, It's Better to Just Shut Up...

I learned this lesson a very long time ago, but always forget it. Unfortunately, when I happen to forget it, the absolute worst is sure to follow. I'm thinking of having my lips stapled shut, or perhaps having a zipper installed in my face.

My big mouth has gotten me into trouble at work. It's gotten me into trouble in bars. I can deal with those situations well enough, but what really irks me about my rampaging pie-hole is that it finds me trouble in the most outrageous ways, and brings me into contact with people I would gladly smack over the head with a brick, if it were legally permissible.

There I was, waiting on line at KFC to order a three-piece with mash and corn. The staff was a bit pre-occupied with the customer in front of me, an obvious escapee from some nearby mental hospital with a room-temperature IQ, who could not comprehend the fine distinction between cole slaw and green beans, and was cole slaw really a vegetable? I shit you not: this is New Yorkistan, truly stupid people abound, and there's even dumber people who are obliged to indulge them under the guise of Customer Service.

So, while Skippy the Wonder Toad was occupying the one bundle of zits-and-baby-fat at the register in the burning existential questions, the lady behind me decides to strike up a conversation (because, you know, I look all friendly-like and obviously just love having random people invade my personal space). She announces that the previous evening was delightful; it was so cool, and wasn't it finally great that all that heat is finally over, and wasn't it fantastic to sleep with the windows open, if only for one night?

I smiled, and nodded in agreement, if only because slapping her would have been considered rude. I came here to goddamned eat, not get a weather report. In one of those subtle gestures which is supposed to be subconsciously recognized by my fellow bags of skin as "get lost, asshole", I began to rearrange my pockets, whereupon the pack of cigarettes therein became momentarily visible.

I simply could not have contrived a clearer invitation to for her to continue talking and to annoy the living shit out of me.

"You know, I quit smoking after 21 years..."

And then it happened; I forgot to keep my mouth shut. I should have politely smiled, nodded my head, and not given her any further encouragement, but no...Something said "Vegetable Boy up there has given you a few more precious seconds to waste, why not answer the Nice Lady with The Thousand Yard Stare?" The words came flowing out of their own accord.

"Well, good for you! How did you do it?"

And before she even made a sound, I caught That Look. I've seen it a million times, and would recognize it in the dark. With a blindfold on. With cataracts. There was now no way of stopping the load of utter bullshit that was coming my way.

"Jesus made me stop. I went to church one day, and the Preacher said 'what does it cost to be a Disciple of Christ?', and when I thought about it, it seemed pretty dumb that He had given me Life,and I was doing everything I could to shorten it..."

It should have ended right there. I should have shut the fuck up, and just ignored it, but I couldn't. The building wave of Sarcasm had, in the space of three seconds, become a Tsunami. I am, by nature, perhaps, compelled to do this. I could not resist the urge. It HAD to be said...

"Was that before or after he passed the collection plate?"

You'll be glad to know that it was before.

Anyhow, this caused the patron standing behind her to chime in.

"That is so true! You know, I was an alcoholic for 23 years, and I'll be sober 13 years next month!"

Oh fuck. What have I done? Maybe if I just shut up now, this entire thing will go away? Vegetable Doofus has finally gotten his entire order (you'll be surprised to learn that cole slaw is a vegetable...he certainly was), and it was time to place my order. Finally, a possible respite from the Revival Meeting taking place behind me.Perhaps, if the others saw me engaged in an act of commerce, they would be polite and not trouble me further with Ephesians 3:19, or whatever the fuck it was they discussing. But no; I was not to be saved from BEING SAVED by the sack of raging hormones behind the register. Apparently, the douche ahead of me got the last breast and thigh, and I would have to wait just a few minutes more.

Raging Hormone Register Girl didn't do the logical thing at that point, and ask the Church Lady if she could take her order, and thus, shut her the fuck up. Nope, that would make sense. Muffin-top Register Chick was going to wait for my breast and thigh along with me, like a fine and loyal dog at my side, waiting patiently and faithfully, and not do a damned thing until I had gotten the same level of personal attention that the Cole Slaw Douchebag had picking the flaking nail polish off her fingernails, and letting it drop to the floor.

Oh great. Not only will I run the risk of being bored to death by the God Squad behind, I can now contemplate having to check my food for potentially toxic debris before I eat it. The time when I really should have engaged my mouth, and said something like "Sunshine, you shouldn't do that in front of a customer, and you certainly shouldn't handle food with little bits of nail polish falling off you fingers" didn't come. It was almost as if, having engaged my mouth at an inopportune moment just a minute before for something really unimportant, now that something vital had come about, I had lost the power of speech.

Frankly, I just wanted my goddamned food so that I could retreat into a corner and eat it in peace.

But,i t was not to be. It almost never is when the Almighty has been invoked.

For Recovered Alcoholic and Jesus Saved Me From Lung Cancer, strangers not two minutes prior, had suddenly become long-lost buddies, and because I had introduced them to one another, they found it necessary to try and include me in their conversation...which was all about church and "recovery". I declined, but nodded my way through this or that piece of stupidity thrown at me. Or maybe it was because they both picked up on that bit of sarcasm about the collection plate, they took it as the signal that they had an Unbeliever in their midst who needed to be harangued?

For his own good, of course.

I finally received my food. For the length of time that it took to get it to me(I was assured it would only be a few minutes) I could have hatched a chick from an egg, raised the fucking thing and then given it the full Frank Perdue treatment before frying it up myself. Just tell which 11 herbs and fucking spices to use, please? I took my tray, and headed to a table as far away from another human being as possible without leaving the store. After carefully inspecting my victuals for the telltale signs of "Hot Pink Passion" fingernail pollution, I began to eat.

And Church Lady and Mr. Recovery found it necessary to sit at the very next table together and discuss which church was better than another (apparently, both were frequent visitors to a variety of churches). The words "Jesus", "Christ", "God", "Saved","Repentance" and "The Day of Judgement" were tossed about so frequently it would make you vomit. Both would only stop yacking long enough to stuff their faces, and give me That Look. If there's anything worse than That Look,it's getting it from someone looking down a greasy drumstick while they do it.

I wolfed down my food. In fact, I ate it so quickly that I'm still tasting it this morning. Three pieces, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob, I barely remember the biscuit. I scarfed it all up so quickly as to make a hoard of locusts look like a bunch of third-rate-tossers. I tried to leave quickly, dreading what was certainly coming, because I know this drill, and it always ends the same fucking way.

"God Bless you", she said, "I really hope Jesus puts it in your heart to stop smoking!"

Deep breath, Matt. She really means well, and it's not as if she just told you to go fuck yourself. Stay calm.

"Thank you", I said, through clenched teeth, and probably clenched buttocks, too.

I headed right for the door.

I will NEVER eat at fucking KFC again, and I will never engage a stranger in conversation again...unless she has great big knockers, of course.

Douchebag of the Week (9/6/10): Geraldo Rivera...

Geraldo Rivera is celebrating 40 years of the Mighty Morphin' Mustache in the Media. Good for him, I guess; it's not often that someone can say they've done something so incredibly useless for so long and that it can be spun as a cause for celebration, but this highly-publicized, week-long Victory Lap of his over at FoxNews was already starting to implant a very rancid aroma in my nostrils even before it took it's turn for the absolute worst last night.

Because Geraldo took the cameras into his home, to show you what life at the Rivera Compound was all about.

I want to say up front that I don't dislike Geraldo; Nature, unfortunately, needs parasites, and if you're going to earn your considerable personal fortune by wallowing in the misery of others, then it behooves you to be the best damned misery pimp you can be, and Geraldo has definitely succeeded in that regard. I mean, who can forget all the classic moments of a career devoted to the lowest common denominator: the Manson interviews, the infamous Klan Chair-throwing incident, the over-hyped Vault of Al Capone, the providing of vital intelligence to the enemy over the air from the front lines of Iraq and Afghanistan, and my personal favorite, making certain the cameras caught the man tossed into the Mississippi by the tempestuous flood waters of Katrina?

Granted, I'm probably not going to jump into a raging river at the height of a Cat 5 hurricane myself, but Geraldo did at least have the decency to yell at his police escort to "do something" about that guy in the water. It's a sad commentary when the police in New Orleans at such a time have to escort Geraldo about. But then again, it's not like the NOPD was actually out doing their real job at the time.

You always get the impression with Geraldo that it's about HIM, even when he's claiming to be the Champion of the Common Man, or the new Ernie Pyle to the men at the front, and just in case you might have forgotten that Geraldo is, indeed, the Ninth Wonder of the World, he made certain that you received that impression... giving you a tour of his luxurious home. Our reward for all of our "support" over the last 40 years was to be invited into the Inner Sanctum, where Geraldo enjoys the fruits-of-his-labors-at-the-expense-of-others. An opulent retreat with a 10-story-high roof-top swimming pool, the "Me Wall" with all his awards bestowed by other members of the Flapping Rectum Classes, the Rec-Room full of designer furniture and huge flat-screen televisions, the original masterpiece paintings on the wall, the exquisite sculptures, and of course, the Boat.

It's exactly what Americans living in a time of dire economic uncertainty just pine to see, obviously. We're supposed to be giddy and impressed with Geraldo's collection of stuff when many of us are having difficulty keeping the lights burning and the house from being foreclosed on? For someone who claims to be the ultimate Advocate for Joe Sixpack, it was in shockingly poor taste to rub our collective noses in your wealth.

I was impressed by his family; his wife is a stunner, and his daughter is as cute-as-a-button, and it's not their fault that they live as they do. None of this is not directed at them, only at Pimp Daddy Rivera.

I can't think of a single way in which Geraldo Rivera has enriched or improved my life, or the general welfare, with what he calls "investigative journalism". Prior to last night, I never gave it,nor what he does, much thought. Now it's front-and-center after last night's tour-de-force of The Mustache, and the only thing I'm grateful to Geraldo for is that I didn't barf up the beef-and-bean burrito I was eating at the time; he showed enough restraint to at least not make us totally envious with the gold-plated toilets and diamond-encrusted dinnerware.

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure where one would get the idea that Joe Average wants to be given a tour of all-the-shit-that-you-have-that-he-never-will, but after a few decades of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, the Real Housewives of Chillicothe, Jersey Shore and MTV Cribs, I can only surmise that someone does or else the networks, and TV personalities, wouldn't indulge in this sort of nonsense. There's a pathology at work here; the Have-nots, certainly must be envious of the Haves, but what makes them want to torture themselves by being reminded of how poor they are in comparison? Especially NOW?

The other side of that coin is what makes the Haves think they're doing us a favor by showing it to us? And if you'll allow me a third-side-of-the-coin for rhetorical purposes, why is it that, as a culture, we find it necessary to so richly reward someone in this fashion for what amounts to posturing before a camera? Even at his best, Geraldo is all sizzle and no steak.

And here he is, celebrating a career built upon vacationing in another's misery, as someone much smarter and more famous that I am once called it.

Perhaps if Geraldo were actually a Journalist, instead of someone who makes his living interviewing the worst mass-murders, presenting farce-as-fact, contriving confrontations in order to boost his ratings, and mentioning Joran Van Der Sloot every five minutes (at least Greta waits a dignified 15 minutes between Natalee Holloway references), I would be, if not truly happy for Geraldo and perhaps maybe amazed that he's been the integral part of my life that he believes himself to be, then I could, at least a bit more tolerant of him.

But last night was the deal-breaker for me. Thanks for reminding me of just how unfair life really is, and rubbing your wealth in my face! I guess I should be grateful you didn't parade the servants out and introduce them to us; here's Consuela the housekeeper, Manuel the Gardener, Ernesto the Fruit Polisher, and Edwardo, Keeper of the Privy Stool.

You may be flogging a book in which you postulate that Hispanics are the future of America (as if! People from a manana culture who don't value education, the law, or hygiene, don't have a future, anywhere!), but I'm betting there's at least one Undocumented Domestic that you haven't paid Social Security taxes on somewhere in that vast expanse of mansion, which makes you a hypocrite.

For 40 years of making your fat-dumb-and-happy living off the misery of others, for being a total douche who believes that I actually want to see the interior of your luxurious domicile that puts the Kennedy Compound to utter shame, for believing that you are far more important to the history of the culture than you truly are, I nominate you, Geraldo Rivera, as Douchebag of the week.