Saturday, September 29, 2012

America's Newest Trend: Alcoholic Enemas...

Experts: Alcohol Enemas are Extremely Dangerous.

Thank God we have 'experts' to constantly remind us not to do that which seems obviously stupid. I'll bet the guy who came up with that self-evident little piece of handy advice was paid at least high six-figures.

It's a good thing we're sending our children off to college in record numbers, huh? This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what some of you have saved for all of your lives. It is what you have sacrificed or deferred vacations, dental fillings, the occasional steak, knee-replacement surgery and new cars for. It is why you have indebted yourself for the rest of your natural life with second mortgages and school loans.

All so your kids can go off to college, get a Master's Degree in Holistic Basketweaving (in only 7 years, too!), and in the meantime, discover new, exciting -- and dangerous -- things to stick up their backsides, or to do with alcohol, and preferably do both simultaneously. This is what most of you are paying nearly $60,000 a year for in the vain hope that your child will emerge from the college experience just slightly smarter than when they went in.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Men Are Pigs...

Contrary to Einstein’s theories about the speed of light, this simple formulation is, without a doubt, the true Universal Constant.

I was reminded of this time-honored rule of thumb by a snippet of conversation I heard between two pimpled guidos of approximate high school age in the local Dunkin’ Donuts just yesterday.

And Immigration is Supopsed to be a Good Thing, Because...?

News this morning of a new outbreak of SARS, this time in the Middle East.

Now, normally I could give a rat's ass if there's a new disease out there killing Muslims, who pretty much need killing, if you ask me.

But this story got me to thinking about all the 'new' diseases that have reached American shores since the trend of uninterrupted immigration went on the uptick, and the return of a whole slew of 'old' diseases once thought eradicated.