Unfortunately, We're Not Allowed To Shoot Them On Sight

As the three regular readers of this insane screed know, I watch entirely too much television. I usually watch "the good stuff", that is to say, documentaries, History Channel, Fox News, Discovery this-that-and-the-other, and my fave hit series on HBO and stuff (Yay! Game of Thrones is back!).

But ever since I began co-habitating with the lovely Tess Trueheart (a.k.a. my girlfriend) my television viewing habits have been radically altered. For Tess is a devotee of the genre of programming called "Reality Television".

Personally, if this is what reality looks like then something is seriously wrong with America. So wrong, in fact, that one begins to have -- against one's best judgement, too -- feelings that the old-style Progressives (you know, the ones who advocated euthanasia and forced sterilization of "inferior" people?) might just have had a point, after all.

Now, before I get accused of being a secret Nazi (come to think of it, I'm accused of being a Nazi at least three times a day) allow me to explain how I've come to this seemingly impossible conclusion.

First of all, I'm a heartless bastard with no sense of sympathy for any but my own, excepting children, dogs, and the mentally ill. I didn't used to be this way, but if you were raised by my parents and harassed on a near-daily basis by my mother for the last 40 years of your life, you'd quickly become a heartless prick, too.

Secondly, I'm totally convinced that certain segments of American Society should be left to their own devices to either starve to death or die of entirely preventable diseases, if only because they promise to do little else but cause more trouble than they're worth, or further pollute the gene pool with little genetic carbon copies of themselves. Some might call me "racist" for holding to this ideal, but ask me if I give a shit? I've sat through something on the order of 50 hours of Diversity Training in my life, and I can tell you this: that routine is specifically designed to deliberately create racists, so hooray for you -- Mission Accomplished -- because if there weren't any racists out there, then who the fuck needs Diversity Trainers?

Know what I learned in Diversity Training? Black people are whiny little disphits who suck, Gay people are even whinier little dispshits who suck harder, just about everyone has far too high an opinion of themselves, and most people could do with a 72-hour high-pressure enema, because they're all full of shit.

But, I digress...

If you were never a racist before, I challenge you to watch three shows in particular and see if you don't begin to wonder just why it was 600,000 mostly white men had to die for the 13h Amendment, and was it ever truly appreciated? Those shows are: Parking Wars, Hardcore Pawn, and what has become a staple in this household, the Maury Povich Show.

Parking Wars follows the trials and tribulations of Philadelphia's Parking Enforcement Agents, most of whom are about as interesting as wet cardboard, but who probably smell just slightly better. In any case, the agents themselves, except for one or two with personality, are not the main reason to watch the show. The real reason to watch Parking Wars is for the reactions of the people having their vehicle towed or booted.

Primarily, these tend to be African-Americans (or one might think so having watched the show several times), and the reactions are almost always the same:

There is anger

There is denial

There is never any acceptance of responsibility, nor respect for the law

There is abundantly inappropriate foul language

There is often violence, or threat thereof, directed at the agents

Now, granted, having your car towed does, indeed, absolutely suck. I know this because it's happened to me here in New York City on three occasions, and the Byzantine bureaucracy you need to go through to get it back is an ordeal in and of itself; then again, I got the tickets because I didn't pay attention, or just decided "fuck it!" and parked where I shouldn't have. My Bad. One of Life's Little Lessons.

I have never threatened a Parking Violation Bureau person here with violence; I have never run into my home to retrieve a weapon with which to threaten one; I have never gotten on a cellphone and radioed for my homeboys to come down and help me keep my car by intimidation; I have never tried to drive off with a boot on. The behavior gets worse when you add pissed-off inner-city douchebag to unthinking, unfeeling government bureaucracy down at the tow yard. Then it's almost hilarious.

And Parking Wars, mind you, is rather tame. It does, however, show you the true stupidity and incredible irresponsibility of some people, and for that, it has some redeeming quality.

If you want to see the real inner-city douchebag in his native habitat, however, you need to watch some Hardcore Pawn.

Hardcore Pawn takes place in a a busy pawn shop along the 8-Mile Road in Detroit. At first, I thought this show was just a cheap knock-off of the History Channels' Pawn Stars, and refused to watch it. However, Tess has been watching it almost religiously for the last few weeks, and I too find myself curiously drawn to it, for it is nothing of the sort.

Pawn Stars has several things going for it: the items being displayed often have an interesting history or backstory, the people who work in the pawn shop are both personable and knowledgeable, and never do you see a deal gone bad erupt into actual physical violence, especially not with racial undertones. Fuck it -- Hardcore Pawn has got racial overtones, too.

Typically, the scene goes like this:

Second-grade-dropout homeboy/girl enters the pawn shop, drops a load of very cheap -- often counterfeit or stolen, perhaps -- goods upon the counter, and tells the person there "You're gonna give me (insert outrageous amount of money here) for this...". You might as well stick a pistol under someone's nose and demand their cash. And this request is typically delivered with any/all of the following;

Obnoxious Attitude

Obscenity

Intimidation

Disrespect

Insinuations of violence if the request isn't met.

When, predictably, the pawn broker tells this idiot "I don't want your cheap shit, because I can't sell it", or, "I do not believe it is really your's", the violent streak which must be inside many African-Americans (I say "many African-Americans" because you don't see the white people who have been turned down/disappointed behave this way) comes out, and they go into full-blown Burn This Mother Down mode.

And they often DO threaten to burn the place down, or come back with their homeboys and shoot the place up. People who behave this way are often escorted, often taken bodily, off the premises by security guards. I have seen unhappy customers -- almost always Black -- on this show threaten murder, arson, and rape because the pawnbroker doesn't believe that a home-burned copy of Insert-Name-of-Obscure-Rapper-Here's-first-album and your old 10-karat-and-cubic-zirconium grills are worth $15,000, and informs you that your prized possessions are, indeed, worthless, you stupid bastard.

You know, if you watch these two shows and watch the reactions of your typical African-American in the street, you could almost begin to believe the Klan just might have been right.

And then you remember the Klan is a bunch of inbred rednecks who wear their laundry at night, and in one of those twists of irony that is never intended but somehow always operative, if the Klan were even following it's own rules it should be killing off it's own members. Add them to the list, too.

But the truest measure of how dangerous and stupid the lowest-rung of American society is has to be on display on a daily basis on the Maury Povich Show.

Maury Povich used to be a journalist, and by this I mean that he used to be doing hard news stories of burning import to the American public. Somehow, Maury has been reduced to running a continuing, circus-like cavalcade of Lowest-Common-Denominator shows that revolve around lie detector and paternity tests that, if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes, would leave you incredulous at just how far human beings (and American Culture) have degenerated.

To be scrupulously fair, not all of the reprobates on display are African-American, and a good many hail from places in the Deep South where dentists and books must be in short supply. Even the non-African-Americans on Maury's little sideshow aren't of the highest caliber in terms of morality or intelligence -- in fact, many of them have adopted behaviors and idiosyncrasies that used to be associated with African-Americans, hence the term "Whigger", I guess -- and you begin to wonder if this isn't some sort of sick joke.

Then you begin to realize that these people do, in fact, exist, and that for the most part they're doing little beyond breeding and perhaps voting, which makes the seemingly-upside-down nature of present American Society all suddenly comprehensible.

Maury shows you the things you just have to know; the unfeeling sperm donors who have seventeen children by twenty one mothers they won't support; the so-called mothers who haven't a clue just who the fathers of their misbegotten children are; the cheating spouses who aren't just committing adultery once or twice, but who make a lifestyle out of it (and always with the worst examples one might imagine); the dumb-as-dogshit, ugly-as-all-hell fat broads who -- whenever  an opportunistic penis comes their way -- take it as axiomatic that they are, somehow, ultra-attractive and desirable, and revel in their newly-found status as cumbucket or pincushion.

You couldn't find a worse rogues gallery of the shallow end of America's gene pool, and that's saying much, considering that Jerry Springer manages to find even worse examples of American Mutants.

There is much talk these days about state-run DNA databases in this country, where the taking of criminals' DNA is seen as a crime-reduction or prevention measure. If there's any politician out there who is pushing for this sort of thing, I have two pieces of valuable advice for you:

1. Don't spend any taxpayer money to build your database; just ask Maury if you could borrow his. It wouldn't surprise me, if at this time, Maury didn't already have the DNA profiles of some number of thousands of men and women who volunteered their genetic material in an effort to prove/disprove paternity.

2. If, in fact, Maury does give you access to his extensive database, that we somehow use it to identify the people we don't want breedng, or perhaps in fact, living, in this country, and act accordingly.

Personally, I find many of the people who come to Maury for all their relationship/custody issues to have few, if any, redeeming qualities. They all seem to display the same defects: stupidity in spades, no moral compass, low-to-animal intelligence, no compunction about fucking anything that moves within an inch of it's life, and bad teeth.

Of course, the biggest assholes of all on Maury's show are the men incapable of keeping it zipped up. Very often, men accused of cheating on a spouse or significant other are locked in a room with a "sexy decoy" and recorded by hidden camera. Now, maybe it's just me, but if you know you're going to be on Maury's show, and if you have watched it at least once, you know you're not there for a good reason, and you should also know that when a good-looking, hot-as-all-hell anonymous woman starts throwing herself at you -- that's you, the worthless loser -- something must be up. The fix must be in.

You'd think any man with at least the same intelligence as your typical Irish Setter would behave himself, but no; they always take the bait. And despite vehement protests to the contrary, the old "Baby, I've been good and faithful, and I love you and our 11 children..." routine, there's no escaping the Honeypot-on-Hidden-Camera trap. One which they always walk into with eyes wide shut and penis at attention.

My favorite part of Maury's show is invariably the one where the Douchebag (male or female, it does not matter) is proven right or innocent; this evokes a wild-ass dance of jubilation which would only be considered proper if there were a bonfire, a dead gazelle, and pork bone stuck through the nose of the jubilant one. You expect to see a witch doctor run onto the stage from the wings, shaking a dead snake and chanting gibberish when this happens.

Now I know that the situations presented on three television shows is not a fair representation of certain subsets of American Society, but damn, it must be pretty close, even if you take into account the producers' editing the tape to show the most outrageous behavior they've captured and discarding everything else.

THAT is what is walking around America Today. It must, in certain situations and in certain settings, be the norm and not the exception, for it was exceptional it would not be so easy to continually capture it on film. If it weren't exceptional, one believes, it would be the sort of thing that David Attenborough used to travel to the Tanzanian jungles or Australian Outback with a film crew to capture for a documentary. This must be the daily lives, behaviors, and stupidity of a great number of American Citizens today.

If you need any further proof, I suggest you watch the following shows just so the case for my Theory of Devolution might be made somewhat stronger:

The First 48, Fear Factor, Jerry Springer, The Steve Wilkos Show, South Beach Tow, Intervention, My 600-Pound Life, Duck Dynasty, Last Chance Driving School, COPS, Beyond Scared Straight, Mob Wives, Momma's Boys in the Bronx, Sister Wives, and so much more that if I listed them all, we'd be here all week.

If media is an accurate reflection of a culture, then this is where we're at. The question then becomes what to do about it.

The conservative point of view, and by this, I mean the religious doofuses who claim that America is doomed if we don't heed the Word of God and wear our knees out a'prayin' and a'hymn'in', is that America's moral decline began with a rejection of the Almighty and that the physical and culture decline that came with that rejection is our just deserts. Only a campaign of fire-and-brimstone, revival-style Bible Thumpin' can save us from this danger, and that's why people like Rick Santorum and Rick Perry have to be given power.

Because even if they're dumber than your brain damaged cocker spaniel, and haven't a clue as to how to correct the problems they've probably helped to create, they at least pray a lot. Or perhaps pretend to.

The libertine (and no matter what they say, they aren't liberals at all) point of view is that all things can be cured by a complex amalgam of government enforcement, re-education, re-application of scarce resources, touchy-feely psychobabble, and scads-upon-scads of useless and ever more restrictive laws. A truly benevolent tyranny run by, of course, them, who in the course of making life better for us all are entitled to extra money, extra rights, insane powers and extra appreciation for a job done so piss poorly you'd think it was done by drunken Mexicans. Or drunken monkeys. Take your pick.

The two competing views -- Man is an animal who needs to be constrained for his own good, on the one hand, and Man is an animal who is infinitely perfectible given enough of other people's money and the enlightened leadership of irresponsible baboons, on the other -- no longer have much merit, in my opinion. These used to be the twin axes upon which much of Western Civilization, and American government, rotated, but those opposing viewpoints would seem to have run their logical courses.

On the first, if God simply wants everyone to be happy and live in peace, and if She is, indeed, all-powerful, then something must have gone terribly wrong. A glance at these shows gives you an idea that people are not happy and not at peace, but are, indeed, animals, so that's one point in the religious nut's favor. However, the conclusions one comes to are that God must not be all-powerful, must not exist as the benevolent force we choose to perceive Her as, or just flat out doesn't exist at all.

An all-powerful, just, and loving God who had infinite patience, understanding and wisdom would not have created the sort of assholes one sees on on Reality Television. If She did, She should turn in her God Badge and retire to some quiet corner of the universe.

The Libtard version in which man is simply a product of his environment, and if you make the environment comfy, reassuring, sensitive to his needs and feelings, and spend an awful lot of money to do it, likewise does not work. Ever since the Great Society nonsesne began, we've seen poverty -- material and moral -- remain a constant in American Life, while we've also seen corresponding skyrocketing rates of out-of-wedlock births, a general decline in educational standards, our prisons loaded to bursting, and the elevation of a guy who couldn't tie his own shoes without a teleprompter and four aides -- the very product of that Great Society/Affirmative action bullshit mindset -- to the Office of President of the United States.

Obviously, the Libtard way doesn't work either.

Both philosophies are a stinking pile of horseshit, and depend upon the manipulation of people's emotions in order to achieve the desired effects. Which is why my way, which is more simple, more direct, and which will work faster than any Government or 12-step program, is probably the way to go.

We need to start neglecting those who warrant neglect. Those who, for whatever reasons, have let their survival instinct go dormant. Those who simply exist to eat up valuable resources -- jail space, hospital rooms, schools, etc., -- at great cost in terms of what they get versus what they contribute, should be left to their own devices. It is my estimate that at least 60% of them would die within a month without a government check or waste-of-time-effort-and-money program, and the other 40% would wind up in a jail cell where we could let them prey upon each other.

The bottom line is, if you won't do those things you need to do to keep yourself alive and thriving, like work and get an education, if you can't control your basest instincts, if you're prone to erupt violently the split second you don't get your way, if you are unable or unwilling to do anything beyond eat, shit, sleep, fuck and stick you hand out to take, then we -- the rest of America -- don't want you. We don't need you. The second you cease being an economic and social plus, your use to anyone is just about over. I'd encourage you all to go out and kill yourselves, but the vast majority would just fuck that up and wind up getting free life-saving surgery at my expense.

Better to just let you wither on the vine and in the process clean up the American Gene Pool, and save a shitload of money while we're at it.

I used to hate Reality Television, once considering it the sewer of American Taste, but once you start to think about it, it's not that bad: It's primary function, other than entertainment, has been to show those who are truly understanding what they see just how far we've fallen.