America's Newest Trend: Alcoholic Enemas...

Experts: Alcohol Enemas are Extremely Dangerous.

Thank God we have 'experts' to constantly remind us not to do that which seems obviously stupid. I'll bet the guy who came up with that self-evident little piece of handy advice was paid at least high six-figures.

It's a good thing we're sending our children off to college in record numbers, huh? This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what some of you have saved for all of your lives. It is what you have sacrificed or deferred vacations, dental fillings, the occasional steak, knee-replacement surgery and new cars for. It is why you have indebted yourself for the rest of your natural life with second mortgages and school loans.

All so your kids can go off to college, get a Master's Degree in Holistic Basketweaving (in only 7 years, too!), and in the meantime, discover new, exciting -- and dangerous -- things to stick up their backsides, or to do with alcohol, and preferably do both simultaneously. This is what most of you are paying nearly $60,000 a year for in the vain hope that your child will emerge from the college experience just slightly smarter than when they went in.

Suckers.

So, why should someone actually want to have a tube inserted into their rectum and then have their lower intestine pumped full of Margaritas? Apparently, because this method gets you drunk faster.

And this is the first indication that your children's education is failing them.

Take it from an old drunk; no one in their right mind wants to get drunker faster. You miss too much of the entire drunkard experience due to haste. There's something to be said about taking a slower attitude about your self-destructive habits. Back in the days when I was drinking, I often found that the booze made it possible to talk to people who I would normally avoid like the plague, or perhaps had once harbored violent thoughts about. Do you know how many interesting conversations I've had with the most totally annoying people over 15, 16, 17 drinks? Do you realize how much more interesting and enjoyable the most annoying people suddenly become the moment your alcohol intake surges?

What about the little things in life that you hardly notice...unless you're drunk? Because believe it or not, drunks have this mystical Third Eye that picks out things that you mere mortals, sober and wearing unsoiled pants, just never seem to see. I've had the deepest, most satisfying philosophical conversations in my life while under the influence of Canadian Club, because only a drunk can truly see the beauty in an otherwise useless argument.

The leisurely pace of drinking from a glass affords you all sorts of opportunities to observe the world around you, and ponder the important questions of Life. Such as "Is it me, or are that chick's boobs getting bigger in direct proportion to the number of drinks I've had?" You'd be surprised just how a great deal of drinking, enjoyed at a leisurely pace, can actually enhance someone's life.

Because,after all, fat, ugly chicks and complete losers need sex, too, you know.

But, I digress....

Actually, I do not advocate that anyone drink in anything other than a responsible, moderate fashion. I can speak from experience -- hard-earned experience -- that the only things drinking ever got me were a lighter wallet and a lot of trouble. But, back to those wacky kids.

This quote from the article was especially disturbing to me:


“No one is sure when alcohol enemas first appeared on the social scene or how frequently they're being used. In 2004, a Texas man died after his wife gave him a sherry enema, causing his blood alcohol level to soar to 0.47.”

Now, this is frightening on several levels:

a) It implies that this sort of behavior is becoming socially acceptable

b) That 0.47 is almost six times the legal limit in most states

c) How fucking embarrassing must it be for a guy to be rushed to an emergency room and his doctor told that he's in a coma because he had sherry pumped into his ass? What's the matter? None of that 64-calorie, low-carb metrosexual beer that any real man would be ashamed to order in public available? The only thing gayer would be if the doctor then asked "Was it a sweet Manzanilla or a dry Amontillado?"

And no, you don't need to know how it is that I know so much about sherry, and no, it doesn't cast my own sexuality into doubt. So there.

Personally, I'm of the mind that everyone on Earth should be subjected to a high-pressure, 72-hour enema, just because every human being is, ultimately, full of shit. I just don't think we should be using Johnny Walker Black when we do it.

But, it gets creepier, for further on in the article is a mention of something called a Vodka Tampon.

Oh, yeah....you just KNEW I had to look into that one, right?

Personally, this creeped me out even more than the Gin and Tonic Enema, and I don't even have a va-jay-jay. For those who don't know what this phenomenon is, I'll explain:

It would seem that this is what some teenaged girls may be doing between visits from Aunt Flo. I will say this much for the practitioners; they probably have the cleanest Fur Burgers in all of North America. One creates a Vodka Tampon by soaking a Tampex or a Stay Free in vodka, and then inserts it into the Old Bearded Clam. The alcohol is then passed directly through the vaginal membranes and into the blood stream. Or, at least that's the claim: the jury is still out on whether this is actually happening, or just an Urban Legend

I can tell you this much: Now that it's plastered all over the internet, it's only a matter of time before your local newscast begins with the story of a young girl who was killed by alcohol poisoning via a Vodka Tampon.

That second article also had this little gem of parental advice, vis-a-vis mainlining booze through the cooze, or through the bunghole:

Speaking with teens in a honest and respectful matter is a productive way to broach the topic, substance abuse counsellor and Huffington Post blogger Carole Bennett says.

Sure it is. Works all the time.

Frankly, the best way to “broach the subject” of teen drinking and alcohol abuse, if you ask me, is to take your kid to the fucking morgue and show them what happens when drunks get behind the wheel, or get cut in half after falling onto railroad tracks, or hit the ground after stumbling and flipping over the balcony railing.

You can’t get more ‘honest’ than that, and as for ‘respectful’we’re talking children here. Reason, logic and using your inside voice don’t always work, because the human teenager is the second dumbest creature in Creation (liberal democrats are the first, with Irish Setters running a very distant third). Kids often need the unmistakable example that comes from an intensely uncomfortable-but-unmistakably-direct teaching moment, or a good beating.

Think of it this way: your dog gets the message not to piss on the living room carpet after you rub his nose in it a few times, and he doesn’t even speak English. Teenagers can be spoken to until you’re blue in the mouth, and they still come home pregnant, addicted to meth, and sporting tattoos and body piercings. Ergo: they’re obviously stupid and just talking to them doesn’t usually achieve the desired result.

Reading all of these disturbing things reminded me of something else: we’re letting some of these people vote. People who have Jack Daniels injected into their poop chutes (presumably because that’s closer to their brains), or who soak feminine hygiene products in schnapps or something for later insertion into the Old Sausage Wallet, are allowed to exercise the franchise? And then we wonder why the hell it is that the country is in the shitter?

This post also appears at The Insane Asylum.