Thursday, November 29, 2012

YAY! I'm A Minority Now!

Depending upon which Flapping Rectum you believe on television, Mitt Romney lost the election for a variety of reasons, many of them esoteric, many arcane, a few more technical, but in any case, not exactly clear to anyone with enough sense to keep from sticking their wet genitalia into the nearest, convenient electrical outlet.

It doesn't seem as if anyone who is supposed to be 'in the know' about American politics can actually give you an answer to this simple question:

How did Mitt Romney lose this election to a complete and utter retard, backed by an even bigger retard (Joe Biden), surrounded by drooling doofuses who can't as much as answer a question truthfully (Susan Rice, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder, Janet Napolitano, Tim Geithner, etc.), running on a platform of absolutely ZERO accomplishments, saddled with a bad economy and $16 trillion debt, an expansion of the Wars in the Middle East, and a sense of total confusion so thick you couldn't cut it with a chainsaw?

Again each Flapping Rectum gives you a different answer:

Flapping Rectum #1 (He has a syndicated newspaper column, you know) gives you a load of pap psychology followed by a meandering political fairy tale of political operatives operating in the shadows of the American Electorate, pulling off incredible feats of derring-do and dirty tricks, just like in any good Bond flick, before you begin to realize that he's not making any fucking sense.

Flapping Rectum #2 (She also has a syndicated column, and has written fifty thousand books on just how stupid democrats and liberals are) gives you her stock-in-trade response: because people are stupid, especially liberal democrats. She might be right -- the majority of people in America are dumber than a bag of wet dog crap -- but it doesn't answer the question, for if Mitt Romney and we here on the Right are so much smarter, then how was it we could not outfight and out-vote a bunch of knuckle-dragging dullards? It might make us feel better to point out what truly stupid people they are, but it doesn't change the fact that stupid people are still allowed to vote.

Flapping Rectum #3 (he's a world-famous political pollster, author, and alleged extra-marital toe-sucker) tells you that it was all a mistake; the GOP simply used the wrong math in attempting to figure out what it's margin of victory was supposed to be, and in fact, concentrated so much on it's hoped-for margin of victory that it forgot to check on the possibility of a margin of defeat. It's all math, you know; a statistic here, a random sampling error there; a great big 'ooops!' because someone forgot to carry a 1.

Others have blamed it on a variety of other factors: Romney was not 'likable' (Barack Obama is?), technological glitches (the kerfuffle over something called Orca), some maintain that the law is to blame (no voter-id requirements, no co-ordination between campaign and 501(c)'s, and still others will simply contend that the election was stolen. There's probably some truth to all of these theories, but the simple fact of the matter is that Mitt lost because the white, heterosexual, christian, tax-paying, private-sector-working, under-60 male is now a minority in his own country.

Because Obama's victorious coalition is to be found in the complete opposite. It is now the Brown faces (whether black or hispanic), the women, the homosexuals, the elderly, the public union employee, and the non-tax-paying-but-tax-consuming parasite which constitutes the majority in this country. It is difficult to argue with this assessment; Obama carried 90+ percent of the black vote, 60+ of the hispanic vote, women voted for him by a wide margin, the elderly -- easily scared by any implied threat to Social Security and Medicare -- went for the O-man. The Unions, and the legions attached to the Government Teat, were simply gravy.

So, I am now a minority in my country. Many might be saddened by that fact today, but not me. For I have realized something that has been true of American Life for the last 100 years:

In America, the will of The Majority is ALWAYS thwarted (that's why you're not allowed to shoot democrats and commies on sight, and why faggots are allowed to be Scoutmasters). The rights of The Minority are not only recognized and respected, but often protected beyond all reasonable means. Why, in more instances than I care to recount here, the American Government, at all levels and all branches, has, at various times, gone far out of it's way and far beyond it's powers to ensure that not only are the Rights of Minorities protected, but that more often than not, Minorities are granted Super-duper-extra-constitutional rights of the sort once only reserved for Monarchs and demigods.

So, I'm not so upset today at being a Minority, because of all the swell things I'm going to get to do now. Things that I couldn't do before when I was in The Majority, and expected to be, you know, responsible and stuff, and pay for other people's stupidity without complaint. Just think of all the advantages:

* I can now go to Law School pretty much anytime I want, claiming Minority status, and in the process knock smarter-and-more-deserving people (who passed tests, and who are demonstrably smarter and more qualified than I am, and can afford school) right out of a seat. Just for shits and giggles. I can then fail any or all of my classes in spectacular fashion and never lose that coveted and extremely valuable Law School seat, until the school administration (embarrassed by my inability to pass Basket Weaving 101 and Remedial Hopscotch) finally just gives me a diploma not worth the paper it's printed on, and sends me out into the world completely unprepared for anything beyond either playing football or asking people if they'd like fries with that.

And still, the Biggest Firms in All the Land will HAVE to hire my incompetent ass just to keep the Law off their backs, and pay me a shitload of cash for just showing up to work.

It doesn't even matter if I actually WANT to be a lawyer, either. The fact remains that someone, somewhere will tell the school that there aren't enough people who look like me in the student body, especially in the Law School classes, and voila!, I get to engage in the Potemkin display where they pretend to be giving me an education, and I pretend to actually have the brainpower to pass the Bar when this is all over.

* I can engage in all sorts of double standards now. I can complain about the discriminatory evils of Minority Profiling at the airport or in a traffic stop, and in the next breath shout that my Minority status entitles me to a place in Law School (see above), or entitles me to a membership in a Private Club. I can now say the most vile, wicked, and disgusting things about anyone considered a member of The Majority, and never have to apologize for it. If I ever commit a crime, the local newspaper will never reveal any of the distinguishing details about my Minority Status -- instead inventing a euphemism to describe me, like they used 'Inner-city Youth' in the past -- making me anonymous, and helping the Media to obscure the truth about my true nature and criminal activities.

* I can even make the case that totally destructive forces within society -- say, a particularly pernicious form of music which denigrates the common culture -- any sort of offensive, totally-lacking-in-any-aesthetic-quality vandalism; an idea which runs contrary to the precepts of morality, law or social convention; the calling for a separation of the races; the most blatant anti-Semitism; the most blatant misogyny; the most corrosive attitudes and self-defeating behaviors are now protected, indeed, should be elevated far above the norm usually found in our society and culture, because to condemn them -- even with fact -- is to engage in the most crass form of _________ -ism.

* I'm a Minority now: This means that I am beyond criticism or judgement. You may never tell -- or even admit to yourself -- the truth about my nature and activities. You must keep silent about what I do, how I do it, and how much it disgusts you. You simply have to shut up and take it, and then pay for it. How dare you impose your Majority social conventions, mores and values upon me? I didn't land on Plymouth Rock: I just got Plymouth Rock shoved up my ass...sideways....and without lube. No, wait, let me rephrase that: I didn't land on Chris Rock...

* I am entitled to have the government subsidize my laziness and bad lifestyle choices. It will do this in the name of fundamental ‘fairness’, while not publicly admitting the reason it really does so is to avoid having me and the Other Minorities pitching daily riots and to artificially keep crime rates low. If the government decides that it will crack down on people like me, and put restrictions on how, and the circumstances under, which we receive our Reparations-in-the-form-of-a-EBT-card, we will take to the streets and act angry in front of the television cameras, and pitch tent cities in the business districts, leaving behind tons of garbage and human waste in our wakes, blaming all of our problems on people we don't even know, and despite the fact that since we've become government-mollycoddled Minorities we're not making any honest efforts, have lost anything resembling a work ethic or patriotism, and frankly, could give a shit so long as we don't have to work.

* The government must protect me from reality by ensuring the law and educational systems don’t reflect any meaningful standard of behavior, merit or accomplishment. I am entitled to a fully-funded cavalcade of rhetorical bullshit, tailored to my psychological needs by the biggest and most transparent liars in Washington, D.C., and material giveaways up the ying-yang that are designed to soothe my savage breast, and give the appearance of equality, while depriving me of the actuality of it. I am entitled to this free anesthetic for no other reason than my Minority Status, and when my progeny grow up (assuming they haven't been killed by Government Health care...or The Man), they will not only demand to inherit the same welfare their Old Man got, but demand even more.

A chip off the old block, eh?

* I should no longer have to pay taxes if I don’t want to, and no one should come after me for it. I’m entitled to a yearly tax refund, even if I've never paid any taxes or worked an honest day in my life. Only in America can the 47% who don’t pay for things get the power to lord it over the 53% who do, and now that the 53% has somehow become The Minority, they have a right to expect some of their own back for all the Historical Grievances they bear.

* I am entitled to break the law with impunity with regards to illegally emigrating to anyplace I damned-well please. I am entitled to sneak across borders, give birth to children (well, if I could) in my new host country’s hospitals and demand they be given citizenship (and the rights that come with it), while skipping out on the bill. I will then use these rights to ensure that even more of my relatives who will have babies they won’t pay the hospital to deliver can come and take their place at the trough. We're entitled because we're Minorities whose land may very well have once been stolen by guys like me, but which now belongs to people who look like them.

* If I should fail, at anything, I am entitled to sue someone for it. All standards, in education, labor, the legal system, must be lowered so as to create an artificial sense of ‘fairness’ -- it's only fair so long as the issue is always decided in my favor, of course -- because demanding standards and impartial means of measuring success, failure and merit, are oppressive ideas that damage the fragile self-esteem of we Minorities.

* I am entitled to jobs I’m not qualified for. I should be able to get bank loans without collateral, and then bailed out by opportunistic politicians when I inevitably default. I am excused from any rule that I can somehow argue is biased against me, while simultaneously allowed a way to be rewarded for being a ‘victim’ of it.

* My made up holidays have to be respected, and celebrated, despite the fact that no one, including me,  actually knows what they are.

I am entitled to a ‘Month’ for whatever reason I can contrive. Maybe I’d like a Month dedicated to ‘raising awareness’ of the National Hockey League. Perhaps I’d like a Month dedicated to ‘calling attention to the vital problem’ of jock itch. Maybe I’d like a Month dedicated to the History of Dryer Lint. Whatever the Month is for, it should, naturally, only serve two purposes that benefit me directly; that is, they must be used to pry money out of other people’s pockets against their will, and my special form of mental diarrhea should be inflicted upon others as a means by which to torture them and artificially soothe my fragile sense of Minority Self Esteem.

* Diversity programs will now focus solely upon me, my grievances, my wants and aspirations, and anyone who wants to include anything good about The Majorities in a Diversity program will be sued within an inch of their worthless lives.

* My Minority Status  permits me to call upon the legacy of whatever grievances I have (or make up), no matter how long ago (and how expensively) the original wrong was corrected, even if I have never directly suffered from it. In fact, this wrong will be trotted out publicly – ad nauseum –  and used as a hammer against others if there is even a scintilla of a chance that I will gain someone else’s money or job, or be granted some special, extra-Constitutional right or privilege by government, of if the grievance is especially politically useful for gaining same.Or just whenever it's convenient.

* If I'm ever killed by a private citizen defending his life from an attack made by me, I am entitled to have the Media paint me publicly as a victim, an angel, the typical Boy Next Door, despite the fact that my rap sheet is longer than Dirk Diggler's shlong, and I have an extensive history of run-in's with authority, criminal associations, and a demonstrated lack of respect for other human beings.

* Because I am a Minority, I am allowed to make the most outrageous accusations against the police, or anyone else, whatever the circumstances behind the case (and despite any trivial concern about my guilt or innocence), and immediately have Jesse and Rev. Al defend me and my Civil Rights. My community must back me up with largely-ineffective boycotts and counter-productive Days of Rage And when my accusations are (as they usually are) finally proven unfounded, I should be able to skate away scot free, despite the damage I have done to people’s reputations and good names. And if I become a Muslim after the entire episode is over, this mystically makes me beyond reproach.

* America now owes me. Therefore, I am entitled to steal everything that isn’t nailed down, and refuse to conform to civilized standards of behavior that are inconvenient or which entail a sense of obligation or responsibility. I should be showered with other people’s money 24/7/365, in whatever form some politician can manage to make the transfer in. Since America owes me, by virtue of my being a Minority, then no one has the right expect anything from me; if I choose not to work, then I won’t.;if  I choose to become a career criminal, then my victims will just have to suffer and pay for my detention, housing and healthcare while incarcerated. Other people should have to pay to feed, clothe, house and educate my children, because I'm allowed to skip out on my responsibilities, and not suffer for it.

* Speaking of children, since I’m now a minority, and not responsible for my behavior and immunized from the consequences of it by the Welfare State, I should be able to impregnate as many women as I can, as many times as I can, out of wedlock, and not pay a lick of child support. Since I’m a minority, I’m immune to quaint, Old Fashioned notions of conventional morality.

* I am entitled to have all of this provided for me in any goddamned language that I feel is appropriate and convenient. Or which just pisses The Majorities off.

And the best part of now being a Minority? I FINALLY get to say things like this:

You wouldn't's a White/Tax-Payer/Heterosexual/Christian/Private-Sector-Worker/Under-60 thing.

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