Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Japan Needs Another Nuking, Methinks...

Apparently, two were not enough.

Now, I don't mean to pick on the Japanese. I have spent a great deal of time with many Japanese people (I once worked for two Japanese companies) and have found the majority to be regular Joes and Janes, and only a few would be what one could charitably call "eccentric" on one end of the scale, and "full-blown, wild-hair-up-their-asses insane" at the other extreme.

And let's face it; you have to admire a country that has soldiered on successfully in the wake of multiple earthquakes, tsunamis, utter defeat in war, and Lord only knows how many visits from Godzilla and Gamera.

Between the B-29's, Pacific Plate, atomic radiation-produced freaks of nature and at least one visit from the Top Gear guys, Tokyo has probably suffered more and worse disasters than the Carter and Obama Administrations, combined.

However, in recent years, it seems the Japanese have collectively gone batshit insane.when it comes to the subject of sex. And one need no more proof of this than a quick thought about the newest sexual fetish to strike the Land of the Rising Sun.

Eyeball licking.

Yes, you've read that correctly. It's all the rage in Japan now, this rubbing your tongue against another person's eyeballs. All the kids are doing it. Why, this fetish has become so widespread that the Japanese authorities have to contend with a whole slew of infections related to it. Most notably pink eye, herpes, tuberculosis and even blindness.

I figure it's only a matter of time before someone gets AIDS from this, too.

The Japanese, when it comes to sex, have always been a bit strange from the Westerner's point of view. I've had a few Japanese girlfriends (and more than a few dalliances with Japanese girls),and can tell you that a decent percentage of them are absolute freaks. You can also search the internet and read all about the Japanese quest to produce the perfect sex robot, or about some dumb schmuck who wants to marry a pillow patterned after his favorite cartoon character, and something called Bukake, which so far as I can tell, is a popular contest between Japanese men (and Western homosexuals, I'm told) to see who can glaze the most donuts, if you get my drift.

Don't get me started on something called Kinbaku-bi, which is an aesthetically-pleasing form of bondage, where the object seems to be to make the prettiest knots and restrain your partner in the most disturbing ways (I have had a Japanese woman ask me to do this, and I flat out refused her. It's been a long time since my Boy Scout days, and I've forgetten how to tie a Monkey Fist).

Besides, I figure the only men who need to tie a chick up are those that either have to resort to rape (see: Pakistanis), or can't figure out another way to keep them from running away (see: Pakistanis).

Anyways, I reckon that once a society has to resort to extreme measures to derive sexual pleasure, whether that means tying someone up, licking an eyeball, or trying to get a computer to simulate an orgasm, that society just might be on the verge of biological extinction. It tells me that the simple pleasures of bumpin' uglies have become a chore, perhaps even boring, and that no one is willing to do it anymore without an element of the psychotic in it all.

Which, come to think of it, might be right; after all, Japan is rapidly becoming the oldest population on Earth, since the Japanese are reproducing at rates far lower than even the degraded birthrates of the West.

Still, if it doesn't creep you right the fuck out, you may need to seek some mental health services.

Update: Apparently this was all a hoax. But dammit if it wasn't a funny one!

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