Wednesday, May 28, 2014

An Open Letter To An Inconsiderate Dumbass...

I know this has but little chance of succeeding, but it seems a good place to try to get some vicarious justice, and perhaps serve as a warning to all the other inconsiderate dumbasses of the world.
I want to thank the anonymous person who feels perfectly free to empty the contents of their car into my garbage cans, or simply dumps them on my lawn, at least once a week.

The two Sanitation summons I have received because someone put a bunch of aluminum cans in with my "normal" household trash, and on another occasion because loose trash was haphazardly tossed on the ground at the foot of my trash cans, were especially appreciated.

It goes so well with the broken glass I have been periodically cleaning up at least twice a month -- broken wine bottles, broken iced tea bottles, the occasional 40-ounce bottle -- that you thoughtfully either leave in front of my driveway, or have the audacity to break against my front porch, some 20 feet from the street and another 30 from the garbage cans. Apparently, you can occasionally make an effort to half-properly throw away your Whopper wrapper, but feel no ambition to do other than break glass in situ.

You have my heartfelt thanks for leaving me the responsibility of cleaning up the used fast-food containers you leave sprinkled on my lawn. I was especially pleased with this morning's fare of half-gnawed chicken bones and the now-sodden from last night's rain pizza box. I like nothing better than picking up the refuse from other people's meals after they've been scattered by the neighborhood cats overnight.

But what I really want to thank you for is your latest act of selfless courtesy.

For in the process of removing the remains of your chicken dinner from my flower bed at the verge, I happened to find two absolute nuggets of your generosity.

The first is the price tag from Macy's, from the Michael Kors handbag you purchased with a gift card (the card's identification number is printed on the receipt, so it should be easy enough to find out who originally purchased it and then gave it to you). This price tag identifies the store in which the item was bought, and modern cash registers also record the time of sale of a scanned item, so I'm certain the police will know which Macy's to go to and what time frame to search while looking through the security tapes for you.

They'll probably be looking for a no-class skank with a drinking problem and a declassee handbag (Really? Michael Kors? Couldn't afford at least Coach you miserable bitch? I assume this signifies that you're one of the Middle Class with No Class that predominates in some parts of this island), and so it should be easy enough to find you.

I also wish to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for leaving the receipt from a previous meal which has your debit card number on it. I'm sure if the police can't track you down and charge you with vandalism, littering and malicious mischief via price tags, gift cards and security tapes, they can certainly track you via your bank records.

If not, I'm sure you won't mind if I take a little impromptu shopping trip on Amazon, no? It's only fair considering how much time, effort and money you've cost me with your piggish ways.

When the NYPD finally DOES find you, I will then sue you for the cost of two citations issued me by the Sanitation Department of New York in the last six weeks. They run somewhere in the neighborhood of $200.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to say, that while I have enjoyed cleaning up your messes and paying fines for things I haven't done on your behalf, that should I actually catch you in the act, lady or not, you will be subjected to an ass-whipping of epic proportions. I might even beat you with your Michael Kors handbag, you worthless guttersnipe.

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