If At First You Don’t Succeed...

A Short Dissertation By a Fringe Lunatic

I’ve been laughing incredibly hard lately at some of the rhetoric that passes for reasoned discourse that comes from the open cesspit that we refer to as “The Middle East”. Apparently, what pisses most Muslims off about the West is that we are none of the following:

1) Muslim
2) Arabic-speaking
3) Respectful
4) Peaceful
5) Sufficiently pious
6) Stupid
7) Anti-Semitic enough
8) Weak and available for easy conquest from camelback.
9) Sufficiently backwards enough to admire Islamic culture in all of it’s 7th century splendor.
10) Sufficiently mean to our women, nor as accommodating to our hump-backed, quadruped, sexual partners.

The solution, they keep telling us, is what they call, depending on the pontificator’s wackiness, any of the following:

1) Dar al-Islam (the House of Islam)
2) The Caliphate (the rule of Islam)
3) Sharia (the Law of Islam)

Problem is, when you’re trying to convince people that have done things like invented quantum physics, solved the problems of flight, cure most deadly diseases, transplant organs, know how to farm food efficiently, build skyscrapers, and are used to running water, indoor plumbing and electricity, you’re already fighting an uphill battle. Especially when you’re pontificating from a cave someplace in Afghanistan trying to avoid all those flying things that drop high explosives. You look even more ridiculous when you’re using means to transmit your message that were invented by the very people you’re trying to kill…errr…sell your concept to.

Of course, maybe it’s just me, and I don’t understand the Islamic mindset, or perhaps some things and concepts don’t translate well from Arabic to English, a common problem when we’re dealing with ideas rather than concrete facts. It’s sort of like discussing the process of fission in abstract terms instead of scientific ones: you might get lucky and produce an H-bomb, but more likely than not, you’ll probably poison or kill yourself, your progeny, and the surrounding landscape for 10,000+ years. We’re not operating on the same wavelength here and kind of using an apple to demonstrate the virtues of an orange. It all comes out in some Pidgen-like mumbledygook that your average Joe can’t understand.

However, give me the benefit of the doubt for a second, and believe that I’m not your average Joe.

The thrust of this argument, if I take it right, is that if only we all believed the same thing, all agreed to live the same way, and let you run the whole shebang, then there would be peace on the planet and you would stop ramming airliners into office buildings and attempting to add anthrax to laundry detergent? How am I doing so far? Good. Can I continue the thought? Thank you.

The second point to your argument is that the entire planet (with the exception of those vile Jews, of course) would simply live in peace, harmony and universal brotherhood, if only, if only, we could all lose our emotional attachment to all the things that have made human existence bearable over the last 3,000 years (like political rights, television, medical care, literacy, pizza, dental hygiene, Doritos and Led Zepplin), and revert back to a 7th century social system invented by a guy who sounds more like Norm from Cheers (“wouldn’t it be great if….”) but who actually worked up the ambition to see his dreams come true? Am I on the right track here, Sparky? High five, my man! Let me see if I can string this line of reasoning out to its final conclusion.

Your final thrust is that, in the interests of peace and brotherhood, of course, that since your world cannot cope with the modern world, then my world should be taken down to the same level. Only then, you’re telling me, can I avoid things like being blown up on a school bus or having my flight to Disneyland eat a SAM after liftoff? Ah, see? I got it. And you thought I was dense, Abdullah? Guess again.

According to the morons that the media continually refer to as either “Islamic-fundamentalists” or “Islamic-revolutionaries” (depends on your politics – if you’re conservative, they’re fundamentalists, if you’re a leftist, “revolutionaries” sounds so much more romantic), the only way to achieve world peace is when everyone on the planet lives in a society centered on tents, camel caravans and the fear of the fatwa. Only when the Caliphate of Islam, i.e. the ultimate triumph of the forces of Islam, is complete, will God grant peace. Until that time actually arrives, you will continue to do your best to refute everything Islam supposedly stands for and mercilessly slaughter anyone who disagrees with you.

Yep, you’ve sold me. Sounds like a pretty good idea. So does root canal with no anesthetic.

The problem, in case no one has told you, is that the Caliphate or whatever you choose to call it this week, has already existed, in several dozen permutations, and every last one them has failed. Utterly, miserably, meekly, and pathetically failed. You’ve tried to spice it up a bit from time to time, I know. You added socialism to the mix --- didn’t work out; that’s how you got Saddam. You’ve tried Nationalism and got Nasser, who wasn’t violent or inhospitable enough to suit your tastes. You have added a dash of bribery from time to time (only Non-Muslims pay taxes, for example), and that didn’t work either. You got a bunch of people who were willing to go through the motions in order to save money. Sort of like Senior Citizens on a Government cheese line. In short, you should have learned from the “New Coke” debacle --- when you change for change’s sake, you often fail. Miserably.

The Caliphate or Dar al-Islam, etc, etc, will not come to pass in the world that you know because the rest of us are having a blast in our world. Living until you’re 98 is a good thing for most of us. Western culture and society made that possible. Having 86 channels of porn or sports TV is a good thing --- chalk up another one for Western Civ. Eating food that is actually engineered to be healthier than the natural stuff is pretty cool, if you ask me. Same thing goes for colleges, casino gambling, voting, the internal combustion engine and refrigeration. The problem is that what you’re offering has no appeal, and has even less appeal when it’s delivered with a death threat. Death threats cannot be passed off, in marketing terms, as a “value-added feature”.

Okay, so now that we’ve knocked off the logical case for buying what you’re selling, what’s left? Historic angle, perhaps, with some guilt and recrimination built into it? According to this theory, if I understand it, Mohammed, your people and culture are stuck in the Middle Ages because of Western interference in your affairs, via vehicles like the Crusades, World Wars and Imperialism.? Therefore, we Westerners owe you one? Hmmm, let’s think this one out and see where it goes.

If I remember correctly, there were already Islamic empires in Spain, Asia Minor, India, parts of Italy and Russia around, say, 700 or so, about 60 years after your version of David Koresh took the dirt nap and had Scotty beam him up to the great beyond. In fact, if I recall, the Battle of Poitiers (718, I believe) was fought near Tours, France and in victory, the Franks managed to keep what would later be France safe for idiocy and surrender well into the 21st Century. Bearing in mind that year --- 718 --- I remind you that the First Crusade was called by Pope Urban in 1095. That’s about 300 years or so after Islam invaded the West. So, who started it? If I also remember my history, and I do, Vienna was besieged a number of times (two to be exact), the Balkans were a battleground between Islam and Christianity for a few hundred years (they still are), Constantinople was besieged, sacked and ultimately conquered by Islamic forces. Islamic rulers usually fought these wars with slave armies (Mamluks, Jannissaries, etc.), typically drawn from amongst those they conquered --- a concept totally unknown in Western history (i.e. the use of armed slaves as a battlefield tactic, or if you like, as mercenaries), knowing full well that some people might have a problem with potentially killing their own relatives on the other side of the battlefield. So, who invaded whose land and interrupted whose peace first?

I do not intend to imply that two wrongs make a right, because that would be reaffirming your own, immoral logic. But it seems to me, historically, Christianity was a much more peaceful force in the world (love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, weapons were instruments of the devil, fighting never solves anything, etc) until it was near extinction under the threat of Islamic hordes looking for loot, plunder, and a reason to kill with a religious sanction. So, Christianity returned the favor with the Crusades, some of which, in case you didn’t notice, fell on Christian lands (a predisposition in the Germans, I’m afraid). If you want to hold a grudge for something that happened a millennia ago (and I can understand you would --- you lost --- at least until Europeans found other things to excite them, like sea travel) that’s your business. But I remind you that most people in America can’t trace their own lineage back more than a few generations, and making the assumption that we’re all the descendants of evil Crusader-types is certainly ridiculous. I’m not sure just how many African-Americans, for example, there are in these parts that can proudly point to their family’s exploits on the Road to Jerusalem. This argument doesn’t hold water, Achmed.

World Wars? Well, if you weren’t living under the Ottoman Turks (whose imperialism and invasions you don’t seem to have minded all that much), you would have been left alone. See, the Ottomans backed the wrong horse in that one and when the bet was due, they had to pay up. The Empire was carved up into “protectorates” and “mandates” (those who win wars usually do things like that --- it’s called “division of spoils” --- you did it too whenever you won, be honest!), and a lot of you welcomed the release from the Islamic yoke, as implemented by the Turks. In fact, many of you actually collaborated with Westerners in order to achieve power or wealth (quite interesting since Islam seems to prohibit man from having either), and thus, we get Saddam Hussein, the House of Saud, Ba’athists, Emirs, etc., which you claim plague your lands and your peoples. Don’t blame us, Americans that is, because we didn’t do it. It was those nasty Brits and French who did it, with your help, or at least your acquiescence. Then of course, it was discovered that your otherwise-worthless real estate had a commodity underneath it that you had no use for and which the West did. You gladly accepted the money, technology, human capital and expertise, and ultimately, profit (not prophet, get it?) that came with it, which you now claim infects your society with things like Britney Spears’ belly-button and, horror of horrors, equal rights for women. So, naturally, since you have this fabulous source of wealth, you want it defended, and so you have asked over the years, for Americans, French, British, Italians, et. al. to come and defend you. Another argument for the Caliphate down the drain, Mahmoud --- you can’t even get a puddle of black, oozy stuff that naturally percolates up, out of the ground without us, nor can you muster the stomach to protect it for yourself. You exude weakness and helplessness like a blister exudes pus and you expect other people not to take advantage of it? Have you never heard of human nature? When you stand in traffic of your own volition you can’t blame the BMW that smacked into you at high speed for your injuries. And I was always told that you guys were supposed to be such great businessmen and hagglers. Ha!

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot all about the Great Jewish World Conspiracy that aims to place you squarely atop the dung heap of history and which manipulates every aspect of life on this planet? Can’t buy that one, either Mustaffah. Again, if I recall my history, Jews have been scattered, separated, vilified, killed and otherwise despised by just about every other race they have come into contact with for about 2,000 years. Yet they have managed to survive pogroms, mass gassing, religious persecution and all other forms of degradation by assimilating with their neighbors where possible, living peacefully and resorting to violence only when threatened. Even when Hitler was deporting them into Eastern Europe to be annihilated, they kept to their faith in God and did not resort to weapons to save themselves. As a result, 6 million of them, that’s million, never left Germany, Poland, Hungary, Russia, and two dozen other places, alive. Yet, these same people managed to defeat the combined armies of every Islamic state arrayed against them with, something like 70 soldiers or such. Can’t have anything to do with the fact that your system can’t produce motivated soldiers, or handle foreign technology designed with the simple intention of killing with any kind of dexterity. Certainly can’t be the fact that, in the end, fighting for God and religious frenzy can only take a poor peasant so far when his real aim is to become a doctor, lawyer or maybe just a bricklayer, and live in peace. Nope, you can’t have lost because your system produces inept, unmotivated individuals (except for the truly loony), it must be the result of some conspiracy.


Well, if you hate the Jews so much, then why does Islam claim descent from the very first Jew, Abraham? Did they trick you into that, too? Why did your prophet (Norm) ascend into heaven from Jerusalem, the very heart of the Jewish world? Why is the Koran chock full of admiration for the Jews? Why do you respect the messages given by the Jewish prophets? How can you explain that your system, your beliefs, the very core of your vision for humanity, is itself, simply a third-rate knock-off of that you profess to hate? Nasty things conspiracies --- they always leave more questions then they answer, but you seem quite prepared to either ignore your own stupidity and inconsistency, or to embrace it as truth and then castigate it’s sources. How can land be holy when Islam itself forbids the transferring of the glory or power of God into an inanimate object or icon? Yeah, I want to be part of a screwed up religious/political ideology like that. In fact, I’ll take the XL model with power everything.

I can see how all of this must drive some you crazy, even batty enough to walk into a pizzeria with a pair of TNT boxers. I can almost see how logic gets convoluted, by which I mean, you believe, in union with Christians and Jews the Commandment “Thou shall not kill” but then think it perfectly reasonable to machine gun a day care center full of one or the other, or preferably, both. I can almost, though not without laughing, perceive how one might be incredibly pissed off to realize that one lives in a world that’s totally upside down, and the response to it is not to challenge those that made it that way, but to mass murder thousands of people on the opposite side of the planet who had nothing to do with it. It makes perfect sense to me. Gee this Caliphate sounds better all the time. It has democracy and republican government beat a dozen ways to Sunday.

The point, Usama, is simply this --- you’ve gone through, by my count, more Caliphates than Clinton had rape victims, and you ain’t gotten it right yet. Shall I run the list for you and refresh your memory? Abbasids, Assassins, Ayyubids, Berbers, Buyids, Fatamids, Ghaznavids, Hashemites, Karakhanids, Mamluks, Moghuls, Ottomans, Saffarids, Seljuks, Umayyads, Wahabbis, and probably ten others I’ve forgotten. See, I even put them in alphabetical order for you. And guess what? After all this time, after all these attempts to put together your blessed Caliphate, you have failed. That you repeat your failure and blame it on others says more about you than it does about us. The only people stupider than you, it seems, are those that still believe that communism was a good idea poorly executed.

All of Islam, it seems, is suffering collectively from what psychiatrists call “denial”. You deny that you’re idiotic; you deny that your so-called enlightened way is destructive to the human spirit, which if unleashed, would lead you into a better world. You compound your denial with the psychotic belief that God told you it should be this way. In the end, just like the stereotypical, maladjusted guy who sits in his basement with a ham radio, Nazi paraphernalia hanging from the walls, and a garage full of guns and ammo, you sit nursing your imagined hurts and stewing in your own juices and when you finally snap and go berserk in the great Post Office of Society, you kill everyone in sight and then turn the gun on yourself. Because you’re, ultimately, all cowards --- and retarded ones at that.

I think I know why we have to fight folks like you, because like the loony in the Post Office, you are the biggest threat of all --- the directionless, implacable, homicidal, paranoid-delusional misfit who believes that, ultimately, his problems are not of his own making, but of somebody else’s. This makes you unpredictable and indiscriminate. In the end, you can’t be honest with yourselves or tell the truth about your motives because to do so would admit your own worthlessness. Yep, makes me want to join your little club, it does.

You know the old expression, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? You guys need to learn it, and adapt it, and find something more constructive to do than base a society on a religion that demands slavish devotion and then murders those that don’t give it. Maybe then you can join the rest of us in the real world. You should also hope that there are still some of you left to achieve it sometime in the future. You’re running out of DNA and what you have left seems to be committed to suicide.