Thursday, August 09, 2012

New Obama Anti-Romney Ads To Look Out For...

"Mitt Romney killed my kittens!", exclaims little Mary Ellen Dumbrovski (left), of Chillicothe, Ohio, adding "he's a big, dumb, meanie snothead, too!"

Mary Ellen's story is not uncommon here in Chillicothe. You see, this is how Bain Capital destroyed a middle American town in the name of greed, and in the process, broke a little girl's heart.

You see, the Dumbrovski ancestral family home, a double-wide trailer provided by FEMA when the Dumbrovski's escaped the carnage of the evil George W. Bush's destruction of New Orleans by a Pentagon-generated Hurricane Katrina, sat on land that Mitt Romney's Bain capital had bribed the then-controlled-by-republicans State Legislature to acquire in order to build the brand new, state-of-the-art Chillicothe International Airport, Golf Resort and European Day Spa, all of which are only open to the Richest One Percent in America.

No sooner had Mary Ellen's family been evicted and relocated to one of the Bain-Capital-run tent camps/soup kitchens located in various, undisclosed locations, where prisoners were fed infrequently on government-surplus cheese, filthy non-EPA-approved water and refused subsidized birth control, than the bulldozers overran the once-pristine trailer park near the interstate and Carter-Era toxic waste dump, and crushed Mary Ellen's two kittens (Trixie and Dixie), who, because of GOP-backed budget cuts lacked state-funded medical insurance to treat their chronic leprosy, and therefore, were unable to get out of the way of the steamrollers with 'Bain Capital' emblazoned on their sides in gaudy neon lettering. Trixie and Dixie are now a permanent feature of runway Three-Niner West.


Little Jamie McGillicuddy (left) of Toad Suck, Arkansas, knows a thing or two about running afoul of Mitt Romney and Bain Capital.

"They beat me up, an' stole my paper route!", says Jamie, "I'm doin' my thing, deliverin' the Toad Suck Tattler, Sunday edition -- you know, the one good paper in town because it's made by union printers and members of the Communist Party disguised as journalists? -- and makin' my collections for the week, when this big, black Hummer pulls up"

Jamie stops to hold back the tears, his breathing labored, the memory apparently still painful.

"Next thing I know, this guy with hair like a football helmet jumps out of the Hummer, grabs me by the collar, an' tells me I just lost my route to a hostile corporate takeover, or somethin'...I think the words he used were 'a :leveraged acquisition of outstanding stock options for cash considerations', and then had three other guys, I think they wuz lawyers, serve me with a cease-and-desist order pending a collateralization and liquidation of my route's assets, and then kick the living bejesus outta me".

Jamie doesn't remember much, because of the multiple skull fractures and Grade 53 concussion he suffered that day, but he remembers how his sordid tale ends:

"Next thing I know, the first guy with the weird hair is standin' over me, an' he says 'look close, Kid...Remember this mug... I'm Mitt Fuckin' Romney, see?, and I'm going to be President one day, so you'd better remember who I am and fuckin' forget this ever happened, or my boys will be back for your fuckin' milk money, too. Got it?' An' then he kicked me in the balls before he got back in the Hummer and drove off."


The men in the picture on the right used to be employees of the Swiftflow Laxative Corporation of West Woodybuttfuck, Oregon, until that company was acquired, and subsequently put out of business, by Mitt Romney and Bain Capital.

"We were already having a hard time making ends meet on the union-mandated $72 an hour, plus two-hour-paid-lunch-and-guaranteed-one-hour-per-day-overtime routine the previous Republican-puppet-corporate regime had in place", says Jorge Acevedo (center), "like they can expect people to actually live on that?"

"Anyways, along came this big dickhead named Romney, and a bunch of suits from something called Bain Capital, and they tell us we'll have to take a pay cut to $70/hour, and pay $25 a month towards our own medical and retirement plans, or the company can't survive, and we're like...fuck that! Who cares if the company survives and we still have jobs, man? It's the principle that's important; you can't shaft the American Worker like that!"

After three months on the picket line, Jorge and his comrades were left dumbstruck as Bain closed their plant, and opened this new one (pictured left) somewhere in the suburbs of Warsaw, Poland, where workers are now making low-quality laxatives for the American export market and Wal-Mart shelves, undercutting American jobs and wages in the name of unbridled corporate greed.

"They said the union made it impossible to do business in West Woodybuttfuck by not making concessions", says Acevedo, "but we shouldn't have to give anything back, because that's how America was built: by allowing Union Workers to suck the lifeblood of the American Economy. Mitt Romney and Bain Capital not only closed a factory, and put seventy-two overpaid morons out of work; they destroyed a proud tradition here in Oregon where people like me get to steal legally."
Richard J. Hilter III of East Hampton, New York loves Mitt Romney.

Pictured here thumbing through his extensive scrapbook collection and financial ledger (which are full of photographs of He and Romney taken over the years), Richard will be happy to regale you with the stories behind each and every one.

"My family has been doing business with the Romney clan for generations, you know", brags Hilter. "Some of those ventures -- the Second World War, for example -- didn't go quite as planned, but hey; that's the venture Capital Business for you, right?"

Nowadays Hilter and Bain Capital have joined forces to launch what appears to be a very lucrative child pornography ring based in Argentina, where U.S. law cannot reach it, and neither can the IRS. In fact, Hilter Pederasty, Ltd. lists Mitt Romney as it's Chief Financial Officer, and Hilter himself gloats that he's avoided U.S. corporate taxes for near on seventy years, now.

"Why, if it wasn't for good ol' Mitt, I might still be trying to earn a living as a public speaker and marching instructor, but thanks to Bain and it's specialists in everything from kidnapping to skirting international child-rape statutes, I'm rolling in the dough. I plan to expand into Poland and the Ukraine in the next few years, and I might even take Paris by storm! I've already hired the architects to design our new Corporate headquarters in Berlin! Thanks Mitt...and the good folks at Bain Capital, too."
Olaf Siggurdsson of Bear Vagina Lake, Minnesota, knows all-too-well just what sort of dangerous influence that Mitt Romney and Bain Capital have had on the American Economy over the years.

When Olaf (pictured left) was left unemployed after 23 years of assembling custom-made papier mache prosthetic limbs, he was forced to burn his own clothes to keep himself and his family of 13 warm during the notoriously-cold Minnesota winters, with devastating results.

"See, Bain Capital bought the parent company, 18th Century American Anachronisms, Inc., and it's subsidiaries, and decided that the plant was no longer profitable just because we had been operating at a loss for nearly 40 years. I mean, since cheaply-manufactured prosthetic limbs were being made in China out of things like plastic, metal and wood, and the market for American-made, hand-crafted, all-natural artificial limbs, eyes and teeth seems to have gone right out the window. You have no idea of how difficult it is to find a job in America in a day-and-age where high-quality newspaper-and-flour-paste construction is no longer considered an art form that needs to preserved, and is tossed on the scrap heap of history in the name of 'efficiency' and 'quality'".

Offered job retraining by Bain's for-appearances-only consulting firm, which tried to talk Olaf into taking up a non-union position as an $18/hour short-haul trucker, instead of the union-scale $32/hour he enjoyed as a Master Paper Craftsman, Olaf refused, believing it was his God-given right as an American to be a highly-paid craftsman in an industry that no one was patronizing because of foreign competition and a consumer base that wants it's artificial limbs to last beyond one good rain or a puppy's teething phase, just because he'd always been.

"These Bain guys", he says as his starving children slather him in yet another layer of Vaseline (necessary to keep his charred flesh from cracking further and exposing his internal organs to open air, which Mitt Romney personally pollutes when he's not stealing from African-American infants and persecuting disabled Gays) have a strange notion of how Capitalism is supposed to work. I mean, who the fuck cares if the company is profitable, or makes something useful? The whole point of the company is to give people like me jobs at ever-increasing levels of remuneration, regardless! That's the America I grew up in!"

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