What The Fuck Just Happened?

So, the Election of 2012 has ended, and not in a good way.

Barack Obama has won re-election, a possibility that as little as a week ago seemed remote, nearly impossible, given high unemployment, economic stagnation, crippling national debt, gridlock in the halls of Congress, and an apparently reinvigorated Al'Qaeda on the rampage throughout Northern Africa. There will be much navel gazing today, and for weeks to come, and most of the results will be predictable:

On Bayonets and Horses...

RE: The Obama debate line about bayonets and horses, and the implication that both are useless on the modern battlefield:

A Bayonet charge in Basra, Iraq,  in May of 2004 saw 20 British Troops defeat 100 Iraqi insurgents.

In Afghanistan, U.S. Special Forces are working closely with Afghan Horse Cavalry, and beating the snot out of the Taliban

One wonders how it is that a Commander-in-Chief can be so ignorant of actual events on the battlefield..Then again, he seems ignorant of events being filmed by a fucking UAV, as they happen, in a place -- Benghazi -- that's supposed to have been 'pacified' by Obama's divine decree.

But, hey...it was a great zinger to use on Romney, right?

By the way, these examples took me all of thirty seconds to find using Google. Obama has an entire National Security and Intelligence apparatus, not to mention a Military that reports directly to him, at his disposal, and he still doesn't seem to know jack shit.

Fighting For The Female Vote...

...and why it's probably a waste of effort.

This Lunatic has been busy this week, which is why I haven’t been posting. My apologies to all my loyal readers who come here first for diseased commentary, but I reckon that once you know exactly what I  have been doing, you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

For I have been doing important political research.

You see, it all began when I started really paying attention to all these news reports about poll numbers in the upcoming Presidential election. Normally, I could care less about polls because they are typically useless for just about anything except which brand of dishwashing liquid is more popular than another, Typically, when a newscast or somesuch starts talking about polling data, my eyes glaze over, and I retreat into a sort of semi-conscious reverie in which I become Wolverine, and I’m fantasizing about using my incredible mutant powers – and those way-too-fuckin'-cool claws – to rob banks, and my incredible animal magnetism (complete with mutant pheromones!) to get Salma Hayek out of her clothing and into the sack.

An Open Letter To The Undecided Voter...

Dear Undecided Voter,

I understand that the choice you are being asked to make on November 6th, 2012 is an important one that will have many unknown and long-term effects, and that as such, you wish to make the best decision you possibly can.

Truly, it is important that you, Undecided Voter, be given every opportunity to scrutinize both major candidates for the Presidency of the United States, and be given all the time you need to ensure that you understand each candidate's position on a wide variety of issues of burning import. I comprehend the magnitude of the decision that you are being asked to make, and the sheer sense of solemn responsibility that you feel for having to make it.

Really, it's quite alright if you take your time, and make certain you know what all the angles and issues are before you make that all-important decision.

Fuck Big Bird...

The last time I looked, Big Bird was something on the order of a billion-dollar-a-year business.

Which brings us to the question:

"If Sesame Street is so successful, why does it require -- or at least the television network it appears on require -- a taxpayer-paid infusion of cash every goddamned year?"

And that's in addition to the proceeds from a concentrated program of organized, professional begging (hey, hope you enjoy that $1,000 plastic tote bag, and the Liza Minelli CD's!!) that according to PBS. itself, brings in almost as much as the federal subsidy (somewhere in the neighborhood of $400-500 million bucks).

So, let's do some basic math:

The Coming Age of Social Darwinism...

Things look pretty bleak these days if you're a Lefty. European-style social democracy, with it's cradle-to-grave mentality, it's four weeks of paid vacation (even for people who don't work), and it's generous 'safety net' of myriad welfare payments, is about to come to an abrupt end. European governments can no longer afford to pay for it all. Even the attempt by the larger countries of Europe to slag some of the expense of their enormous social spending commitments off on their smaller neighbors -- they called it the European Union, but the only thing it was ever designed to do was to make Irish laborers pay the expenses of French retirees, and Spanish farmers supply the funding to send an Italian to college for 12 years -- has failed miserably.

The riots you see in the streets of Athens, Madrid, Rome and Lisbon are the first indication that the political Left is beginning to realize that it's free ride -- intellectually, economically, politically, and socially -- is about to stop short. Why? Because it's about to be defunded by governments who will have to either practice some form of austerity, or collapse completely. And it's all about to happen in the United States, too.

Romney Kicked the Rhetorical Crap Out of Obama...

In the aftermath of last night's first Presidential debate, I found myself haunted by a somewhat disturbing, but entirely understandable, visual. It was the vision of a lost puppy being run over by a speeding freight train.

Obama lost that debate, badly. It wasn't that Mitt Romney was, as they say, on his game, or was in command of his facts, or exuded intelligence and confidence, so much as it was Obama's shortcomings being made unmistakably obvious just by juxtaposition with someone who can apparently chew gum and walk at the same time. Some say Romney hit a home run with his performance, but I figure that all he really needed to do was appear able to string together coherent sentences and win, because Obama obviously cannot.

Romney is Right...

In a transparent effort to drum up a controversy where none exists, and doing so in such a childish and petty way that it almost makes you pine for the days when REAL Libtard journalists, like Cronkite, Jennings, Moyers, Arnett, and Rather, knew how to lie at least half-assedly convincingly in defense of a complete loser asshole of a President who had a drunk chick's chance in a redneck bowling alley on two-for-one Coor's Lite night of pulling out a squeaker victory come Election Day.

Romney Gaffes! Screams one headline. Romney accidentally tells truth and admits to being a miserably rich bastard who hates poor people and puppies! furiously spins yet another third-grade-reading level-use-a lot- of-short words-so-the-college-kids-can-understand-you denizen of his mother's basement. Romney in Trouble! assures your local fishwrap, whose circulation is dropping faster than a Chicago schoolkid's chances of achieving basic literacy.

What We Saw at The GOP Convention...

Apologies for being a bit late with this. Tess has been deathly ill, and I've been kinda busy keeping her alive. Which is more than Obamacare would have done.

In keeping with our general theme this week, let's wrap up what we saw at the GOP convention. In no particular order:

What I See At The GOP Convention...

The story thus far:

Mitt Romney gets the nod. Lots of great speeches. A lot of childish behavior from Libertarians. A lot of press people -- many who should know better -- outright, unabashedly lying. Here's the high- (and low-) lights, as I see them, so far:

About Paul Ryan...

I humbly beseech a thousand pardons for being late to this..whatever it is… but I have a valid excuse:

The selection of Ryan as Mitt Romney’s running mate did not, as the conservative (small ‘c’ intentional) pundits tell me it must, ‘electrify’, ‘thrill’, or ‘energize’ me. Not that I’m not a fan of Congressman Ryan (in fact, I’m not), and not because his selection tells me anything about Romney that I either didn’t already know or couldn’t easily discern, but because…well…he’s been asked to be Vice President.

Someone has to attend foreign funerals, I guess.

I imagine that when Joe Biden was chosen there was a similar attempt to rally the troops and generate the same (media) excitement that just wasn’t there, but let’s face it; being Vice President means you’re usually sitting around waiting for someone to have a heart attack, either in anticipation of an instant promotion, or of a State visit to Kathmandu to pay America’s respects to the Nepalese Junior Deputy Assistant Minister for Sewage and Trash Removal.

Come to think of it, Joe Biden would be perfect for that sort of job – the sewage thing, I mean.

Even More New Anti-Romney Ads on the Horizon...

In response to the enormous popularity of this post, I have crafted some more new Anti-Romney ads the lying Obama campaign machine will be unleashing on the public any day now. Enjoy!

New Obama Anti-Romney Ads To Look Out For...

"Mitt Romney killed my kittens!", exclaims little Mary Ellen Dumbrovski (left), of Chillicothe, Ohio, adding "he's a big, dumb, meanie snothead, too!"

Mary Ellen's story is not uncommon here in Chillicothe. You see, this is how Bain Capital destroyed a middle American town in the name of greed, and in the process, broke a little girl's heart.

You see, the Dumbrovski ancestral family home, a double-wide trailer provided by FEMA when the Dumbrovski's escaped the carnage of the evil George W. Bush's destruction of New Orleans by a Pentagon-generated Hurricane Katrina, sat on land that Mitt Romney's Bain capital had bribed the then-controlled-by-republicans State Legislature to acquire in order to build the brand new, state-of-the-art Chillicothe International Airport, Golf Resort and European Day Spa, all of which are only open to the Richest One Percent in America.

No sooner had Mary Ellen's family been evicted and relocated to one of the Bain-Capital-run tent camps/soup kitchens located in various, undisclosed locations, where prisoners were fed infrequently on government-surplus cheese, filthy non-EPA-approved water and refused subsidized birth control, than the bulldozers overran the once-pristine trailer park near the interstate and Carter-Era toxic waste dump, and crushed Mary Ellen's two kittens (Trixie and Dixie), who, because of GOP-backed budget cuts lacked state-funded medical insurance to treat their chronic leprosy, and therefore, were unable to get out of the way of the steamrollers with 'Bain Capital' emblazoned on their sides in gaudy neon lettering. Trixie and Dixie are now a permanent feature of runway Three-Niner West.

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With Your Shield, Or On It...

The writers of antiquity tell us that Spartan Mothers -- the original Obamaesque Julias -- would send their warrior sons into battle with just this admonition  ringing in their ears:

Come back from battle with your shield...or on it.

In other words, do your duty and bring victory for your country, or die in the attempt, and never, ever dishonor yourself in any way. So, what does this have to do with Mitt Romney and the NAACP? Hang out a few, and  I'll explain it to you.

Okay, Mitt Romney...Now What?

Imagine that you are Mitt Romney; you've just garnered enough delegates to win the GOP presidential primary, and have all but sewn up the nomination. You're about to go on the attack against The Anti-Christ...errr...President Obama. You're confident. You're in command of the facts and figures. You have found a message that resonates with at least two-thirds of republican primary voters and a mess of independents. You believe that you possess the skills necessary to transform your Vision of These Here United States into a workable program that the majority of Americans will understand, and then turn that vision into a reality.

Before you hit the ground running, Mr. Romney -- which, incidentally, is the time where most candidates stumble -- you'll need to keep a few things in perspective, and you'll have to deal with a few more issues in a more forthright manner than you have to date (although, i must admit, hitting the Obamatard on economics in front of a boarded-up Solyndra was a stroke of marketing genius).

So, unbidden, and with full confidence that no one who matters is going to listen to a thing I have to say, I would like to offer you some advice on seven subjects that I believe will be front-and-center in this election. If you follow my advice, Mr. Romney, I'm certain that not only will you coast to election, but you'll also force Modern Progressive Liberalism (three lies for the price of one) into a lengthy, decades-long retreat.

Ignore my advice at your peril!

25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do...

And when I say "must do", I really mean must. Like before anything else. Ten seconds after taking the oath of office and ensuring that the Obama's haven't stolen the White House silverware.

This list assumes two things:

a) Mitt Romney defeats Barack Odouchebag in November, and
b) The GOP retains it's majority in the House, and gets one in the Senate

Otherwise, this is all academic.

So, here's my list of the the Top 25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do (in no particular order):

Santorum: "Obama Preferable to Romney..."

Rick Santorum proves that he's a hellaciously petty little asswipe.

Okay, time to shut it down, Ricky. You’ve just proven that you’re not ready for prime time.

This is exactly what happens when you put a smug, Bible-thumping, arrogant little prick with no sense or realization of the depths of his own stupidity front-and-center of your “Conservative” movement. He invariably gets it in his head that if he doesn’t win outright then you deserve the terrible alternative…it’s almost as if God is punishing you for daring to ignore his Holy Message and reject his Most Sacred Messenger.

Rick Santorum, as I’ve said millions of times on this page, is a sanctimonious little dipshit with too high an opinion of himself. The unfortunate thing about American right-wing politics these days, from the point-of-view of this right-winger, is that our party and movements are overflowing with just exactly this sort of pompous asshole who can't win unless they can manage to tear everyone else down.

Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio is a Bad Choice for Vice President...

Conventional conservative wisdom, as expressed by the likes of Charles Krauthammer, is that Mitt Romney, having all but sealed the deal in the race to become the GOP presidential candidate, should turn his attention to the subject of who will be his Vice President. Moreover, this same conventional wisdom says that Romney will need to placate Hispanic voters and that this means that he will simply have to select one Marco Rubio Senator-in-Diapers from Florida.

Here are Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio Would be a Bad Choice For Vice President:

On Mormons and Evangelicals...

It has been a frequent assertion on this page that one Willard "Mitt" Romney, Presidential Candidate, would have to endure a grueling uphill slog towards that office based upon the simple fact that his Mormon faith makes him suspect in the eyes of Southern Religious Conservatives, who view Mormons as the next, best thing to apostates and child rapists.

Recent events -- i.e. The GOP southern caucuses and primaries -- have shown this to be true. It didn't take a rocket scientist to predict this outcome; all one needed was some first-hand experience of Southerners, in general, and Southern Religious Doofuses, in particular, to figure this out.

Rick Santorum: Morbid Mental Case, and Birth Control, Too...

Andrea Peyser in today's New York Post on Santorum’s weirdness.

If taking a dead child home to cuddle and sing to it doesn't strike you as somewhere between "emotionally overwrought" and "batshit insane" let me know: I want to keep as much distance between you and I as possible.