Friday, June 01, 2012

Okay, Mitt Romney...Now What?

Imagine that you are Mitt Romney; you've just garnered enough delegates to win the GOP presidential primary, and have all but sewn up the nomination. You're about to go on the attack against The Anti-Christ...errr...President Obama. You're confident. You're in command of the facts and figures. You have found a message that resonates with at least two-thirds of republican primary voters and a mess of independents. You believe that you possess the skills necessary to transform your Vision of These Here United States into a workable program that the majority of Americans will understand, and then turn that vision into a reality.

Before you hit the ground running, Mr. Romney -- which, incidentally, is the time where most candidates stumble -- you'll need to keep a few things in perspective, and you'll have to deal with a few more issues in a more forthright manner than you have to date (although, i must admit, hitting the Obamatard on economics in front of a boarded-up Solyndra was a stroke of marketing genius).

So, unbidden, and with full confidence that no one who matters is going to listen to a thing I have to say, I would like to offer you some advice on seven subjects that I believe will be front-and-center in this election. If you follow my advice, Mr. Romney, I'm certain that not only will you coast to election, but you'll also force Modern Progressive Liberalism (three lies for the price of one) into a lengthy, decades-long retreat.

Ignore my advice at your peril!

1. You still have an Evangelical Christian Problem: Normally, this wouldn't be much of a problem if you were, say, welling underwear or bowling balls, as this segment of the population is born stupid and kept that way by unremitting threats of eternal damnation, and the constant drumbeat of medieval superstition. If they'll buy the myth of an invisible man in the sky who somehow finds it an act of divine mercy to inflict brain cancer on 4-year-olds, then they'll buy anything. However, this is one of those times where what the Bible Thumping Retards have to say on a subject actually matters. In this case, they happen to be voting for President of the United States, and you need their votes. They ain't exactly happy to pull the lever for you, as you saw in just about every primary contest south of the Mason-Dixon where there was a credible opponent.

These folks view your Mormon Faith in the same way they view Islam; it's some sort of wicked, fringe cult for the Godless which threatens to somehow interfere with the Rapture. Mormonism must, eventually, be eradicated if God's Own are to be beamed up to Lunatic Central in the Sky, and voting for a Mormon isn't exactly the way to do it.

Then again, no one ever accused Evangelical Christians of being especially careful about following the dictates of their supposed faith all too closely when it comes to their money. In these harsh economic times, when a poor pastor must beg for money to complete the combination Tabernacle/Faith-healing Research Center/Theme Park/Bait-and-Tackle Shop from a flock who's resources are rapidly dwindling due to severe economic hardship, they'll forget all that crap about the difficulties of rich men entering heaven and camels passing through needle eyes, hold their noses, and pull the lever for the guy who promises to make it rain Dollah-Dollah in the same way that manna rained down from Heaven.

Just remember this: these people don't like you, and they'll only vote for you because the alternative has been shown to be infinitely worse. You'll need to throw them a couple of bones to keep them quiet and in line until re-election time, so you'd better do the following two things:

a. Talk up Israel. Where Obama has damaged American alliance with Israel, you should go fill-tilt in the opposite direction. This appeals to Evangelical Retards because they need Israel to continue to exist just long enough for the Third Temple to be built, after which, the Jews will apparently be utterly destroyed, punishment from God for killing Jesus.

b. You need to get on board with this birth-control/sex-based abortion issue that has sprung up. In the case of birth control, you need to espouse a position that keeps the federal government from dictating to religious institutions, and on abortion for sex selection, you need to stand behind the House measure that just failed that makes it a crime to knowingly abort a fetus for considerations of sex or race.

Neglect either of these points, and these people will stay home. You need them, no matter that their company comes with all sorts of troubles and annoyances. If they stay home, you lose.

2. You Still Have a State-Run Healthcare System Problem - Romneycare is still in effect in the People's Republic of Taxachusetts. You made the argument in the primaries when asked on this subject that a state-run healthcare option is a 10th Amendment Issue, but you were wrong.The argument for a State-run healthcare system is one of simple emotion; the argument against is one of cold, calculating economics and human nature.Obama will use RomneyCare as a defense for his own Eyedrops-and-Baindaids-For-Everyone-Who-Isn't-White-At-Enormous-Cost Healthcare system.

The fact that RomneyCare hasn't lowered costs is still there, hanging over yo like a Sword of Damocles. In fact, healthcare costs ballooned, as more people entered the a system, made more use of it, and the taxes to support it, likewise, went up. The problem with a government-run, centrally-planned anything is that government consistently underestimates everything, particularly demand and cost. It's time you cut this millstone from around your neck, Mr. Romney. It;s time to say "I fucked up...not only was I wrong to support state-run healthcare in Massachusetts, I was wrong in continuing to defend it..."

yeah, I know; you're careful about that Flip-Flopper epithet people are always hanging on you, but hey, this is one of those times where the greater mass of Americans would be so-happy-they-could-shit to have a politician reverse course.

3. The Quality of Your Opponents is About to Improve - This page lobbied hard for Newt Gingrich, who unfortunately proved less than up to the task of getting the nomination. Mostly because he turned out to be quite scatterbrained and unfocused. Rick Santorum is a dick, and talked about nothing but birth control and abortion 24/7. Ron Paul is a ventriloquist's dummy, spouting Ayn Rand, often incoherently. All the others -- Pawlenty, Bachmann, Cain, Johnson, et. al. -- were hardly serious competition.

You're about to go up against Barack Hussein Obama, the man who Liberal Media, Hollywood, and Complete Doofuses Everywhere (I figure the Doofus Population as somewhere around 100 million souls) have built up into a combination Buddah, Jesus,.Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Churchill and Tooth Fairy all rolled into one. This creates a problem for you in the following way:

For while Obama himself is a flaming ignoramus, the people who surround him (and who initially made him into a President) are not. Their only shortcoming is in their politics, not their intelligence. They ran a slick marketing campaign once before -- aided and abetted by a dysfunctional and completely insane McCain campaign -- and they can do it again.

You are not running against Barack Obama The Man, Mr. Romney, you are running against Barack Obama the Ideal. The Man may have been found wanting, but the Ideal still lives in the hearts and minds of people you wouldn't let loiter on your own front lawn. To defeat Obama, you must defeat the Ideal, and he will have battalions of people -- marketing guys, advertising guys, consumer research types -- who have sold Americans everything from Pet Rocks to Justin Beiber to Snuggies working overtime for him. He will have a compliant, fawning media 100% behind him (unless it should suddenly emerge that Obama is a closet pedophile. He ate a puppy and seems to be getting away with it, for the love of all that's holy, after all) that will advance stories and narratives that make him look good, and bury everything that makes him look worse.

You need to tell the unvarnished truth about the Ideal. Constantly. You need to show that the Ideal is a false God, a pipe dream, and that while it's a very nice Ideal, it's not exactly the sort of thing that grown-up adults  put their faith in. You need to make the case that cradle-to-grave socialism has failed everywhere it's been tried. You need to make the case that it's time the Adults were in charge, and the Ideal is a mirage.

Good luck on this one.

4. You Need to Make the case for Coattails: Regardless of whatever brilliant plans you concoct to bring America out of it's economic and political doldrums, it all means Jack Squat if you can't do one, solitary thing: Drag a few more GOP'ers into the Senate with you. You will have a majority in the House, and there are more than a few Blue Dogs there that will cleave to your program, but so long as Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Patrick Leahy, John Kerry and Bernie Sanders run the Senate, your plans are D.O.A., at best, or subject to the sort of "compromise" that democrats always seem to get, i.e. we get to put poison pills in everything so that the actual legislation accomplishes the reverse of what's intended.

You have to be able to pull in a few more R's with you, Mr. Romney, so I'd start making appearances with some R's who have a solid chance to win a few House and Senate contests this fall. Make the case that you need Mr. X on your team, and that without him, Obama and his minions will continue to destroy the country from within. The only thing that can erase Obama's "Change You Can Believe In" is a just-as-radically quick campaign of "Change We Know Will Work".

But we'll only get that with control of both houses of Congress, and if Mitt Romney is the man who is, indeed, selected to lead this great country, he's going to need all the help of right-thinking people he can get. make the case that the election is about more than just who sits in the Oval Office.

5. Talk Up Your Economic Acumen: Considering that Barack Obama came into office with none, and apparently hasn't gotten any since, this should be easy. You have a track record, a very successful one.

Of course, the Other Side will try to paint you as some sort of heartless robber baron, who put people out of work and starved Tiny Tim, and denied sex-change benefits to pre-op transexuals when they lost their health coverage in the Great Corporate Raids, and you probably killed Endangered Species, too, but this is all bullshit. It's emotional talk, which is what democrats (small 'd' intentional) engage in when they don't have a case to be made logically.

The fact is that you did, often, have to do those things in order to save a business or make a few extra bucks for your investors. It's a process called Creative Destruction, and it can be explained to the general public in a way that they can understand. It can also be applied to the business of government to make it more efficient, more cost-effective, less-intrusive, and the case needs to be made that what America needs is not more government programs, but less government, period.

The economic benefits of less government are obvious: lower taxes, less regulation, less interference in the lives of average people, but what you have to make is the case that what Obama has tried -- micromanagement, rule by decree and fiat, technocracy run by unelected idiots ("Czars") hasn't worked, and has only resulted in greater job losses, a weaker dollar, economic uncertainty.

Show the Public that you know your money, and how to use it, whereas Barack Obama believes that money is alternately something that grows on trees and inherently evil. The best argument to make against Obamanomics is that he consistently demonizes The Rich, and then goes out and begs then for money, showing that Obama is not only a fucking hypocrite, but that he's clueless about where money comes from, and how it's made.

Oh, and while you're at it, why not talk up a nationwide campaign to make every state in America a right-to-work state, and drive a stake through the heart of greedy unions, perhaps the biggest threat to economic growth?

6. You Need a Bit More Than Economics 101: Although you are perhaps the best-suited choice this November on economic issues, the real trouble with America's economy is a bloated government. You need to tackle the problems of entitlement spending. It's time to unveil a plan to "save" (although neither plan should be saved, as they are both vestiges of communism) Social Security and Medicare by tinkering with how they work, and how benefits are handed out. I have some ideas on this front (I will post them next week), but you're the economic guru here, so I will defer to your expertise, Mr. R. (although you could start with the Ryan Plan).

In addition to truly reforming the social welfare system, you could do us all a favor and get rid of a few cabinet posts and the attending union-loaded workforce (and I use that word tongue-in-cheek -- people who want to work for a living don't take government jobs), and abolish or privatize the following:

The United States Post office
The Department of Housing and Urban Development
The Department of Education
Transportation Security Administration

In addition, you could squeeze an extra few bucks out of the Federal Budget if you dismantled the Department of Energy, and put it's most vital functions where they truly belong: The Department of Commerce and the Department of Defense. Of course, doing these things means a few actually useful programs and departments might go by the wayside, but if you found a way to incorporate them into existing departments, and then cut redundancies where they arise, you'd be doing even more to secure an economic future.

The dimwits will portray such moves as a mortal threat to the American Way of Life, complete with descriptions and imaginary scenes of starving seniors, children who can't read (this is false: the children who can't read grow up to be Letter Carriers and Section 8 forms reviewers), contaminated food and water, and so forth. Point out that there are things the government does that can be done better by private enterprise, or better yet, that shouldn't be done at all, and make certain you find the absolute worst examples of who's doing these things and publicize them 24/7/365 under the caption "You're Overpaying this Dipshit, Citizen".

you have to make the case that every dollar government takes is a dollar the public doesn't have to spend or save (that is, put to work in the Economy). Every dollar the government borrows to pay it's bills is two dollars the American People don't have, and that every dollar Congress borrows-and-spends three-times-over is another 5 dollars we don't have to spend or save. We're not under-taxed; we're being led by people who can't add or subtract!

And it's the Wall Street bankers who come in for all the criticism?

7. Get Ready for Personal Attacks Like You've Never Seen Before: the Other Side has no ammunition with which to fight this war. Their General has proven incapable of leading a three-year-old to the crapper, and those who do follow them all have the same unsavory characteristics one would supposed a professional criminal class would have. They have no victories worth the word to hang their laurels upon, they have no plans for the future except more of what we have already suffered, and something along the lines of just-shut-up-and-take-it-you-fucking-peasants.

It has started already; the furtive attempts to make Bain Capital look like the New Nazi Party. The 5,500 word opus on your high school shenanigans. Your wife's predilection for Steeplechase horses (say, didn't Jackie Kennedy love, and engage in, equestrian sports, too?). Get ready to be tarred with the epithet "Rich Boy". Hold on for all the euphemisms for "Stupid" that will be coming your way.

Because this is how the Leftards fight: when they know they can't win: they demonize, they stir up negative emotion, they get dirty, they attack families. Right now, the Obamatard Private Investigators are camped out in front of your septic tank looking to see what comes out of your ass after breakfast every morning.

Be ready to hit back, hard. I'm sure someone at Harvard and Columbia can be convinced to pry loose Obama's transcripts. I'm certain someone, somewhere, knows the exact truth about Obama's grandparents and their ties to the American Communist Party. I'm certain that Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, and others of this kind are willing and able to sell their former friend/protector down the river if there's enough money or prestige in it.

And make sure you have a rather thick dossier on Her Heinous, Michelle, too. She's liable to be the nastiest of the bunch gunning for you.

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