Wednesday, January 27, 2010

(The REAL) Text of the State of the Union Speech...

I have been fortunate enough to have had one of the first drafts of the President's speech placed in my possession by a mysterious stranger. How this person came into a copy of the original speech is unknown (He said the less I knew, the safer I would be...)and my benefactor went so far as to wear a disguise in order to protect his identity, and arrange for the transfer to take place in an isolated, wooded copse in rural West Virginia (Hey, isn't that redundant?), far from prying eyes. The man seemed nervous, frightened even, as if his very life were in danger. When I finally arrived back at Lunatic Central several hours later, and broke the waxen seal on the envelope containing this most-secret document, I finally knew why.

The Speech was something the Light Bringer might certainly kill to keep secret. I expect his Hippie Death Squads to kick in my door at any moment, now. But, the record must be clear, the Speech -- as it was meant to be delivered, before the Presidential Speechwriters and Spin Doctors talked him into the more measured and meaningless language he will use tonight -- must be shared with the rest of the world. By the time you finish this, I may have disappeared.

[Enter, Stage Right. Pause, pretending to acknowledge several Members of Congress. Nod to the idiots Biden and Pelosi. Wait for phony applause to subside, and the stooges to be seated]

Tonight, I wish to address all of you ungrateful peasants, you rotten bastards, you sorry excuses for humanity who are not worthy to lick my spittle...

[Lift chin in confident-yet-defiant manner, turn head left]

One year ago I, the Savior of the Universe, took control of a country in ruins; the economic system was on the brink of a catastrophe that is beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. The Nation was entangled in two simultaneous wars of choice, fighting enemies who's only crime was to innocently expect us to treat them as equals, and who's methods are simply misunderstood by those without the empathy and superior intellect of people like myself. Our Civil Liberties were threatened by other's stubborn refusal to extend them to non-citizens who have merely been accused on the basis of hundreds or even thousands of less-than-reliable eyewitnesses, but not properly convicted in a court of law, of attempted mass murder, destruction of property and Acts of War, acts of so-called "terrorism", which only exists as a product of Dick Cheney's evil imagination. I inherited all of these problems, and much more; in fact, every President going back to Washington -- the slave owner -- has contributed to this mess which I must now clean up, single-handed, without any help from you lesser clumps of DNA.

[Pause, wait for Nancy Pelosi to finish her seal clap, put the vacant stare back on her face, turn head right]

My Apostles and I are committed to saving the country from the misguided efforts of the Majority to impose their will upon Us. It is a well-known fact that The Majority in America is incapable of forming independent thoughts. It is a great mass of mindless sheep who simply wait for someone to tell them what to do, how to think, and how to act. Evil men like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have put dangerous thoughts into their heads; they have poisoned their minds so that they rebel against the Great Gifts of HopeandChange that I, the Anointed One, was specifically sent to bestow upon you. You have sinned in the eyes of God, that is to say, Me.

This Majority is to be opposed at all costs; it is the embodiment of evil. They are the descendants of the White, bourgeois Middle-Class, slave-owning establishment. They profess superstitious beliefs in deities, spirits, Capitalism and The Law. It is a dangerous thing which tries to disguise itself; It calls itself "Independent Voter" and "Moderate", and all the while, it seeks to engage in Counter-revolutionary activities; it stockpiles dangerous weapons and votes against my hand-picked lackeys.

[Pause while someone replaces the duct tape over Joe Biden's mouth. Emphasize next passage with Twin-Open-Hand Chops]

It has come to Our attention that this Misguided, Sinful, Insignificant Majority has sinned against our August Personage; [Face Camera, Adopt Negro Preacher Tone] it has voted republican, not one...not twice... but three times. This, despite the effort I made getting up off the Presidential couch to travel to places like Trenton, Boston, Richmond and the other disgusting places where you revolting little turds live. You were told WHO and WHAT to vote for, and you didn't listen. You believe you have Free Will. You Believe that you have something called "rights", which properly only belong to Muslim Terrorists and Black Panthers standing outside polling stations with weapons. You believe you are entitled to "own things" and keep your "own money", which is all, rightfully, the property of the government, that is to say, ME. They are mistaken; their property and wealth exist soley to be distributed as I see fit to the huddled masses with their Pants on the Ground, and to the Undocumented Workers.

[Pause, wait for commotion caused by Union Workers specifically bribed with free donuts and whiskey, Welfare mothers bussed in from eleven different states for Malt Liquor and a pack of Kools each, and trained to boo and hiss on cue to cease. Strike Stalin-esque-looking-to-the-sky pose]

To those who have not accepted me as their personal Lord and Savior, I say this: I shall try -- one last time -- to reconcile you and bring you within the fold. I will accede to one of your paltry demands, as a show of both good faith and of my infinite mercy and goodwill, and I restrain federal discretionary spending for the next three years. It amounts to little more than loose change, but it is symbolic of our Love and Sacrifice on your behalf. You will now show the proper respect and reciprocate; there will be no more criticism. There will be no more of this voting for evil republicans. There will be no more of this disgusting Tea Bagging. For these these things are the mark of deviants. Deviants will be destroyed; we've done it to Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin and Wall Street Bankers -- we can do it to anyone we wish, anytime we wish. The Revolution will continue, as we see fit. Those who repent now may be forgiven their Treason and Unorthodoxy, perhaps.

[Applause from democrats while Republicans are led out in chains by members of the Congressional Black Caucus for summary execution]

The Revolution began One Year Ago. It must continue. There must be Obamacare, there must be higher taxes, there must be more terrorism, there must be economic upheaval, and great suffering, and you will endure it silently and willingly while your betters direct and control your lives for your own good. We protect you; left to your own devices, most of you would stick hat pins in your own eyeballs. You do not need to know why we will do these things; you need simply to obey, and to remember that it is for your benefit. That is what you were created for; to obey my commands and accede to my whims, and not to ask questions or criticize Me.

If you do not get back in line, if you do not remember your place, if you do not follow me willingly and blindly -- even unto poverty and death while waiting for aspirin in a government-run hospital -- then you are a racist. Good Night, and Obama Bless America.

[Assume commander-in-chief pose while Biden, Pelosi and Reid lead the masses in the Upraised-Arm salute]


Greasywrench said...


Great speech Matthew, er, Mr President. Now I can finally believe you're being "open and transparent".

Pssst... Watch your back Matthew. The truth ain't got no skin in Obama's game. Omama and Manet Napolitano are watching you and all the other home-grown Conservatives.

Matthew said...

Hell, I don't even consider myself a Conservative! After a few years of posting on FreeRepublic, I pretty much that most conservatives don't consider that appelation a political philosophy as much as they do a tribal affiliation.

To those wingnuts, "Conservative" means gun-totin'-gay-hatin'-God-fearin'-Reagan-worshipin'-knucklehead who is stockpiling food and ammo just in case the Rapture happens on a weekend.

I would consider myself a republican-who-espouses-some-conservative-positions, and some have accused me of being more Libertarian than either Republican or Conservative (those folks usually just call me Fag-lover, RINO, Rockefeller Repub, Pink, and some evenless-flattering names).

I believe in the Right to Life (without the Bible verses), limited government, some gun control. I hate Free-Traders (more like Free-Traitors) and believe that Capitalism only truly works when Capitalists work responsibly; but I know that a reasonable level of oversight and regulation are often necessary to see that happen, people being what they are (i.e. disgusting, selfish, little pigs).