Former Staffer: Obama and Biden "Financially Illiterate"...

No shit? Just figuring that out, huh?

Next year, assuming the Mayans were wrong about Armageddon, is going to be a blast for those of us who like to read. I have no doubt that there’s  fifty “Obama Insider” books already written, and ready to go, all dripping with the truth about President Marriott-Suites, his Deputy Dog of a Vice President, and the gift that keeps on giving, Our Esteemed Secretary of State, the Old Crusty Pantsuit, herself.

And every last one of them holds out the possibility of containing completely original, never-before-spoken-of examples of legendary stupidity that will, in all likelihood, shock the ever-loving shit out of every last one of us. Not because it will be unbelievable, but because we’ll finally know just how close we came to becoming a fascist dictatorship run by complete doofuses.

Think Mussolini with Down’s Syndrome.

The article is basically a rehash of some disillusioned-and-selfish dickhead’s disappointments with Biden, but it’s a weather vane, of sorts, for the kind of shit we’re likely to be seeing on bookshelves really soon. The theme is that “While I may be a complete asshole, Joe Biden is a bigger one, and here’s why….”

Make sure your Kindle is charged up, folks.

Hillary and Benghazi...

So, the Hildebeest took 'responsibility' for the lack of security that got four Americans killed in Benghazi, did she? Taking one for The Team, as the old saying does, is she? The Obamatards must be operating under the mistaken belief that now that someone has taken 'responsibility' for the Benghazi Disaster the subject is officially closed, probably much like they believed Al' Qaeda was finished after bin Laden was shot in the fucking face.

Well, no, the whole thing ISN'T over, Mr. President. It's only getting started.

Just because Hillary says "it's my fault...", doesn't make it all go away. It doesn't mean we can all, as you people like to say. "move on"

The fact remains that someone is lying to us, and we need to know the truth, especially from someone who promised us more transparency than we could ever imagine when he was elected.

Douchebag of The Week: Todd Akin...

We here at the Asylum haven't given out a Douchebag of the Week Award for some time now, if only because with Barack Obama winning one every week for the last two years there didn't seem to be any point in it, anymore.

But, like buses, if you wait awhile, another douchebag predictably comes along.

This week's recipient is Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) who, for some reason which you just KNOW is connected to throwing theRight To Lifers a bit of red meat, finds it necessary to make a fine distinction about "legitimate rape".

There's a specific reason why this sort of ultra-conservative scares the fertilizer out of people, and Akin just reminded everyone of it.

About Paul Ryan...

I humbly beseech a thousand pardons for being late to this..whatever it is… but I have a valid excuse:

The selection of Ryan as Mitt Romney’s running mate did not, as the conservative (small ‘c’ intentional) pundits tell me it must, ‘electrify’, ‘thrill’, or ‘energize’ me. Not that I’m not a fan of Congressman Ryan (in fact, I’m not), and not because his selection tells me anything about Romney that I either didn’t already know or couldn’t easily discern, but because…well…he’s been asked to be Vice President.

Someone has to attend foreign funerals, I guess.

I imagine that when Joe Biden was chosen there was a similar attempt to rally the troops and generate the same (media) excitement that just wasn’t there, but let’s face it; being Vice President means you’re usually sitting around waiting for someone to have a heart attack, either in anticipation of an instant promotion, or of a State visit to Kathmandu to pay America’s respects to the Nepalese Junior Deputy Assistant Minister for Sewage and Trash Removal.

Come to think of it, Joe Biden would be perfect for that sort of job – the sewage thing, I mean.

Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory...

I saw this earlier in the week, and thought; are you fucking kidding me? Keeping secrets? Then again, it's Slate and they can be expected to drool all over themselves in the effort to make Obama out to be the conquering hero, but when it comes to the death of Usama Bin Laden (UBL) we already know the following:

* a 40-man SEAL team took out UBL.

* The initial tip came from waterboarding KSM

* The tip led to the identity of UBL's courier

* the Courier (which FoxNews has already named) was followed for years to establish his bonafides

* The house where UBL was supposed to be living in was under surveillance for four years

* The Pakistanis were not informed, and could not be trusted, so as to get their help

* UBL is shot in the face

* UBL is shot in the face, futilely trying to use his wife as a human shield.

* UBL"s wife confirmed UBL's identity by calling out his name

* UBL's body was disposed of in an Islamically-approved way, by dumping it into the Arabian Sea

* The government identified UBL by his DNA and facial-recognition software

* The government is in possession of UBL's computers, notebooks, diaries, etc. and busily pouring over the intelligence within so as to find other terrorists

* UBL Had two cell phones/telephone numbers and 500 Euros sewn into his clothing.

* UBL's wife called out his name, and was wounded, in the course of the gunfight.

* UBL Might have ben captured, and then executed.

* SEAL Team 6 practiced the raid -- for a year -- in a secret mock-up of the compound somewhere in the United States.

* DNA testing has sorta-kinda confirmed that the dead man was, or at least very strongly indicated that it was, UBL.

* A 'treasure trove' of information on all-things Al'Qaeda was found at the compound and is being checked with a fine-toothed comb by US Intelligence, and as of today, DOJ and others are saying that indictments and arrests are pending, and that DOJ may be asking for wiretap permission and search warrants, and issuing subpeonas very soon.

* The names of others inside that compound have already been released. I'm surprised they haven't identified the cleaning lady and Bin Laden's plumber by name, yet.

Just what secrets, if any, are being kept? It seems to me that President Obama is doing nothing but talking about the raid -- understandable, as it is the ONLY accomplishment of his otherwise-disastrous administration -- and the Press is doing nothing but publishing/broadcasting all sorts of details, and that, obviously, means the government leaks information -- and secrets -- like a fucking sieve.

But even more troubling, and somewhat confusing, is that the Administration is not going to release any photographs of UBL to prove that he's actually dead, and the reason given is that no one wants to 'inflame' Islamic sensibilities with US Troops in combat zones, and US diplomats still in Islamic countries. That's when the excuse is not protecting National Security or the protection of sources and methods and so forth, in the meantime neglecting that so much information has already been released that it would take years for any investigative reporter with integrity and half-a-brain (oxymoron) just to run it all down.

It seems as if the Administration, true to form, is attempting to decide what is and what is not secret depending on what the perceived political and propaganda needs of the Administration are at any particular moment, and in the process only reinforcing what so many already think; that Barack Obama is a doofus, surrounded by bigger doofuses, who can't decide if it's Tuesday or Wednesday, and when confronted by the possibility of having to make a decision, unfailingly make the wrong one.

Having made the right decision to get UBL, the Won is now fucking it all up for himself by making -- or allowing his minions to make -- all the wrong ones.

First of all, who gives a crap about Islamic Sensibilities? If you say that not releasing the photographs and other evidence is the proper thing to do on the grounds that it's all too gruesome and graphic, I'd like to remind you that the images of 9/11 are just as horrific, and I just saw them all over again this entire week plastered all over my television screen, as the Press helps Obama take his, by now, extremely aggravating extended bow.

Second, the amount of data that has already been released (all of it for PR purposes) is astounding, if often contradictory, and has probably already let quite a few cats out of any number of bags, which begins to make a mockery of the idea of operational security.

We've been treated to pictures of the White House Situation Room during the raid, with their grave Obama, praying Joe Biden, and looks-as-if-she's-about-to-puke Hillary Clinton, but only because those images serve an ulterior purpose: making the Obama Administration seem competent, serious, concerned, and all Presidentially-like. Yeah, we get to see THOSE pictures, on the assumption that we really, really need to (really on the assumption that Obama needs us to), but we don't get to see the end result? Go figure.

The fact is that the Obama Administration, by playing to this nonsense about 'Islamic Sensibilities' -- burying Bin Laden according to Islamic custom (something they apparently fucked up, anyway), not wanting to rub salt in the wound of a major loss and dead folk hero -- and apparently trying, without much success, to return to it's 'beg Islam to be nice to us' policy, is doing itself, and us, a major disservice.

The disservice is that without evidence, no one in the Islamic World believes that Bin Laden is really dead. Without evidence, the same people who burned braincells and wasted air over Obama's birth certificate have new grist for the conspiracy theory mill. There are even some going as far as to say that those images are deliberately being kept from the public until Obama, about to lose the 2012 election, pulls an October Surprise and releases them a day or two before the election in a desperate bid to save his sorry ass. Already, there are those in the Islamic Sandbox saying the enitre thing is a fiction cooked up by a desperate Obama.

Obama, who has now scored major points in an area which was one of his biggest weaknesses (He's been soft on the War on Terror), has gone and squandered that advantage -- and re-opened the floodgates of conspiracy theory and charges of incompetence. The left hand doesn't seem to know what the right hand does here; one day UBL is said to have resisted, and the next that he was unarmed. One day UBL was found in part because of what happens at Gitmo, and the next, it was painstaking intelligence work done over a series of years,like someone doing a giant jigsaw puzzle in the dark and with one hand tied behind his back. The CIA says one thing, the Pentagon another. The State Department (which on a good day might be able to find it's own collective ass with both hands and a roadmap) says something else, entirely, and they all contradict and step all over each other in the process.

The disinformation may be deliberate, granted, but from here it appears as if no one in the government is on the same page, and that always leads one to the conclusion that no one in Washington can muster enough intellectual firepower to burn calories, and in this political climate (Throw the Bums Out!), that's rather dangerous for a sitting President (even if I do think he's a con man).


Offered as proof of that lack of attention to detail: You'll be glad to know that the FBI is STILL offering a $25 million reward for UBL. Administrative oversight, probably (The FBI probably requires 700 bureaucrats to remove a staple from a two-page memo), but you just know what conspiracy theorists will do with this sort of detail.

Leave it to Barack Obama to create a rather strange dialectic in which Americans may actually thank God that Wikileaks exists.



If you did the thing right in the first place, you wouldn't have these problems, and you wouldn't have to expend so much energy trying to look the part of legitimate, in-charge, hands-on, involved, know-everything, competent President.

UBL is dead; Great! I'm proud of you. Now prove it. Considering the track record of this President and this Administration, documented, authenticated, carved-in-stone proof is required. They have no one but themselves to blame for it because they way they 'do business' leaves them vulnerable to charges of not being truthful. Their inability to ever nail down details -- do they even care about details? -- makes them look bad; as if they're just winging it, and leads to the sort of distrust that allows a two-year kerfuffle over birth certificates to fester. It'll take all of five minutes to do, and who gives a shit what Achmed in Riyadh thinks, besides Larry King?

I believe that UBL is, in fact, fish food, but let's face it; there's millions of people, here in the United States and abroad, who won't until they've been given solid evidence. And even at that, there are still going to be those who will never believe it anyway, so why not just release the damned things and spare yourself the multitude of self-inflicted wounds, accusations of blind stupidity, and attributions of sinister political motivations?

Show the damn pictures.This is par for the course with President Obama; even when he does something awesome and worthy of praise, he ruins it by leaving so many loose ends, refusing to release information that is readily available and which the public has a right to because political motive gets in the way, and because he and his people often feel the need to take that Victory Lap before the Public has been convinced that he's acually won something. I think at this point it's become an automatic, reflex, defensive routine on the part of the Administration: declare victory, take the photo ops and good press, go home, refuse to answer questions that might rain upon your parade, then complain about the 'unfairness' of having to be held to some sort of higher standard than past Presidents, cry racism.

Trump on Birth Certificates...

NBC used to be a monolith of journalism, the Gold Standard by which all other journalistic endeavors were measured. Now it is simply a collection of panty-bunched Leftards who have decided that the public needs to be protected from the truth, and which needs to cover it's own collective ass, since there was no greater Cheerleader for Barry Oh-Blah-Blah than NBC news. Even if that means dismissing out-of-hand that which so obviously blows their carefully-constructed narrative of the Greatness of The Won to smithereens.

What has NBC news in such a tizzy? Donald Trump wants to see Barack Obama's Birth Certificate, too.

I mean, even Mika Bra-bra-za-za-zinski has her titties in a knot over the whole thing, and while I used to like her, I'm now convinced after watching Morning Joe fairly religiously for the last few months that she has the sort of intellectual acuity one usually associates with a grapefruit. Her father may have once been Secretary of State (to Jimmy Carter, which makes that sort of like being the chief clown in the circus), but I'm beginning to wonder just who she had to blow to get that gig.

The whole Birther Controversy will soon blow over, in any case; Resident Odoofus won't be occupying the White House after January 20, 2013, and then I'm fairly certain the fur-breasted, bitter gun-clingers will finally get their answer to the questions that consume their every waking thought: is Obama a citizen of the United States? Is he a closet Muslim? Was his election truly valid?

I would tend to believe there are more important questions to be asked right now: like who we'll eventually choose to replace President Unmitigated-Disaster...and her husband, or How do we repair the American economy? When do we finally achieve energy independence? How many Congresscritters can we shoot (rhetorically) in the Public Square when it's all over?

Once Obama is gone, the Press, especially NBC News, will no longer have a vested interest in propping him up, and then the real investigative reporting that should have been done before they ushered Obama into office will finally be done, when he's no longer of any use to them. Having constructed the Potemkin President and presented him to the world as Savior of the Universe, the assholes at NBC, (P)MSNBC, CNN, CBS and the New York Times will recklessly proceed with indecent haste to finally tell the truth, the whole truth and nuthin' but the truth, vis-a-vis President Marriott-Suites.

If only to save whatever journalistic reputation and pretense to objectivity they might be able to salvage.

Only then will History be able to judge whether Barry from Hawaii was ever eligible, or qualified, to be President of these United States, and then the lessons learned will be carried forward. I wouldn't doubt if in the near future we start subjecting our candidates to such intense scrutiny that they will have to undergo a colonoscopy in order to allay any public speculation that Jimmy Hoffa may be buried in one of their intestines.

The real point of the whole Birther thing in the first place was to find a reason, any reason conceivable or plausible, to keep Obama from taking the Oath of Office, or failing that, of bringing him down, eventually. Unfortunately for the Birthers, Barack Obama requires absolutely no help from them in order to fuck things up royally. Of course, Birthers fail to realize that if they ever did get Obama on this birth certificate thing, it would only lead to the even sadder consequence of leaving the country in even less-capable hands: Joe Biden's.

With Hillary Clinton waiting in the wings -- cleaning her guns.

The Birthers would risk even that; they're so impatient to bring about the Rapture (or whatever the fuck it is they want) that they can't wait for 2013. To them, every second that Barry Oantichrist sits in the Oval Office brings this nation one second closer to complete and utter, cosmic, doom.

Dudes..Chill out. We already passed the "Apocalypse, Next Right" sign when Bill Clinton stood before a national audience and proudly, even brazenly, lied through his teeth.

"I didn't inhale..." He said. And everyone knew he was full of shit, but they still voted for him. Twice.

If you hadn't recognized then that the American Public was content to be lied to in the most audacious and bald-faced manner, and even seem to not only NOT give a shit, but in fact reward the liar who insulted their intelligence with a second term, then you missed your Apocalyptic Tipping Point.

Barack Obama is the man who will destroy America? Fuck, that process started already. Obama just clocked in for the Night Shift. And truthfully, it's been CONGRESS which has done far more damage than Obama, Bush or Clinton. They just happen to be the guys in charge whenever the Perpetual Fisting of America enters it's next cycle. Barack Obama isn't the one who 'ruined' America: he just came along and poured salt and lemon juice in the open wounds.

You want to know who ruined America, then take at look at the people who usually escape the blame for the state of affairs they created: the professional political class, big business, lawyers, libtards, and a public so mind-bogglingly stupid that they made the choice the Press wanted them to make in the fall of 2008. The Press liked the story -- Black Man makes Good in Racist-est Country in Human History -- so who gives a shit if he's actually capable of doing the job?

By the end of next year, they'll have a whole new story to pitch to you: How Did this Douchebag Manage to Scam America into Voting for Him? The truth will eventually be told. Just keep your panties on.

I'm no fan of Barack Obama, believe me, but at this point trying to get him tossed from office on such skinny hopes reeks of the Prosecuting Attorney who went into court with a murder weapon, the suspect's fingerprints and DNA, three eyewitnesses, a confession and the whole crime captured on videotape, loses his case through incredible stupidity -- and then tries to get the accused busted on a jaywalking rap, just to save face.

Barack Obama's Birth Certificate just might turn out to be the political equivalent of The Bloody Glove.

They way I figure it, the Press will be insanely interested in finding out for you, but only after the man they've built up has finally begun his downward spiral. It's how Leftards play politics: they not only bury their dead, they rush to be the first to bury their wounded, too. In the meantime, it's not as if Barack Obama is actually in the White House, what with all the vacations, golf outings, campaign stops, set speechifying in front of hand-picked crowds with three teleprompters in tow, so why not just let the issue lie for now?

I mean, imagine how much worse it could be if he were actually trying?

The only good thing about this brouhaha is that Next Time We'll Ask. All political candidates will probably be posting their Birth Certificates on billboards from here on in.

As for the possibility of Donald Trump being a contender for President of the United States: do you honestly imagine he could do worse than any of the Professional Politicians we're likely to see run, given the recent track records and current rosters of either political party?

Joe Biden is a Doofus...

Biden vows to jump the Grand Canyon on an Amtrak Train.

If you aren't getting a steady diet of Iowahawk, you should be sentenced by judicial authority to a 72-hour, high-pressure enema.

Some Predictions for 2011...

I normally don't do this, but someone asked for it. His name and address will be withheld for his own personal safety. I'm not Nostradamus, and come to think of it, he was an Asshole: if his "predictions" are so damned good, how come they only make sense AFTER something happens? What kind of useless power is that?

Anyways, here's some things that I can see happening in America in the year 2011;

1. Hillary Clinton quits as Secretary of State, and announces her candidacy for President in 2012. She will talk up a heady Far-Left agenda in an attempt to outflank Obama with the disaffected pseudo-revolutionaries, aging hippies, and welfare queens of the New Left. This new-and-more-Lefty Hillary will be in marked contrast to the woman who spent the four years prior to 2008 positioning herself as a moderate, and has changed positions more often than Bill and Monica did. This transparently dishonest charade will go completely unremarked upon by anyone at (P)MSNBC. No one will call her a "quitter" for leaving the Senate, or abandoning her post as Secretary of State, because only Republican Woman ever quit to take better jobs and more money. When a Libtard does it, it's all in the name of Public Service, which somehow always means you leave Public Service with a really big bank account. The only thing worse than a Hilliary Clinton victory in 2012 will be the sight of Bill doing the pimp-walk back into the White House.

2. Mitt Romney will become the GOP front-runner for President in 2012 in the early polling, but will eventually be defeated in his quest to become Leader of the Free World because no one will vote for him in the Bible belt, where being a Mormon is synonymous with "Devil Worshiper" and "Baby Rapist", and only slightly better than "Catholic". This will leave the GOP hard-pressed to find a decent candidate that doesn't creep people out, have a secret pedophile past, bore them to death with invocations of the deity, or talk like a Tea-partier-but-possess-a-democrats-record. Which means that Mike Huckabee somehow sticks around far longer than he has any right to expect to bore the bejesus out of us with all his Jesus talk, and somehow manages to wrangle a VP slot from whatever hybrid Country Club-Inbred Redneck republican candidate the Tea Party happens to choose for them.

3. Michelle Obama finally fesses up, and reveals a secret so shocking that you will be amazed that it was successfully kept for all these years; she is actually a post-op transsexual, and used to play power forward at an NCAA Division I school that actually made it to the Sweet Sixteen, but was ultimately defeated by (who else?) Duke; a game in which she scored 12 points, and had 4 rebounds, coming in off the bench, but ultimately, fouled out, her sharp elbows more curse than aid that day. President Obama, stunned by the news, deals with this mighty personal blow by taking yet another vacation, this time to do some soul-searching and to re-evaluate his life, in Jamaica, Amsterdam, Las Vegas and Tierra Del Fuego. Upon his return, he and Michelle reconcile their differences over a game of HORSE in the Rose Garden.

4. Sarah Palin does what every woman does at least once in her life, given the opportunity. She entices the "return to the 1950's" wing of the Republican party right down to the very last second in 2011, showing a flash of political leg here, heaving a breathless, bosomy rhetorical sigh there, winking at the True Believers, batting her Conservative eyelashes at the Falling-All-Over-Themselves-Just-to-Be-Close-To-Her. She'll take their money. She'll drink in their adoration. She'll laugh at their stupid jokes, and playfully giggle at their innuendo, or perhaps, give a speech that gently caresses the back of their hands, before quickly withdrawing her lightest, gossamer touch. When the date is over, as they're standing on the front porch in that moonlit-awkward moment, she'll give them a handshake goodnight, trot out the old I-had-a-great-time-don't-call-me-I'll-call-you-quickly-duck-inside-slam-the-door-routine, and avoid those disappointed Conservatives at the Malt Shop for the rest of the school year. That's right, Sarah Palin eventually turns out to be a political cocktease, because she can't win, and hell, there's more money to be made soaking the rubes and getting free publicity out of your fertility.

5. Senator John McCain suffers a debilitating stroke or heart attack, and must step down from his by-now-largely-ceremonial post as Senator from Arizona. In the ensuing special election, McCain is ultimately succeeded by the GEICO Gecko, who has now also become the Official State Bird of Arizona (conservative commentators will remark that such things must be expected in a state populated by a growing number of Alzheimer's cases and illegal aliens who can't read the English ballots, and consequently, have no fucking clue just what they're voting for in the first place). The U.S. Senate will honor McCain with a Minute of Anti-Aircraft-Fire-and-Loud-Voices-Screaming-In-Vietnamese on the Senate Floor. In addition, Congress will authorize the John McCain Memorial Border Gate, a cardboard door mounted upon a single, rusty hinge, placed at a strategic gap in the Border Fence that will be opened or closed on alternate days in recognition of the Senator's principled stand on the issue of illegal immigration, and of his Herculean efforts to secure America's borders. *

6. Osama Bin Laden will make an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. having been granted the necessary travel and work visas by the Obama Administration. After yukking it up with Jay for an evening, bin Laden will be invited to the White House where President Obama will apologize profusely about all those close-call Predator strikes, and promises that it won't happen again if only Al'Qaeda pinkie-swears not to be mean to us anymore. Bin Laden agrees, but the deal is suddenly called off when Joe Biden spills his soup in Bin Laden's lap, and steals the cherry off his Parfait Desert, when no one is looking. The next day, there is a mushroom cloud billowing over Los Angeles, and President Obama will take great decisive action by going on vacation after this exhausting round of successful negotiations, which Chris Matthews will call "the greatest feat of American diplomacy, evah!" just as the fallout begins to descend on the east side of the Rockies.

7. Someone will, finally, shoot Rep. Anthony Weiner (Douche - NY) and Senator Charles Schumer (Dingbat - NY), two of the most annoying people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Schumer will survive the assassination attempt, if only because the .38 caliber bullet fired from a range of seven feet did not possess the power to actually penetrate his thick skull, and bulletproof inanity. Weiner, however, will not fare so well; his killer knew enough to shoot Weiner in the ass -- which was closer to his brain -- and after 72 hours of being kept alive by various machines, a little-known provision of ObamaCare kicks in, in which Weiner's plug must be pulled, his friends and family mercilessly teased by hospital staff, his organs harvested and auctioned to the highest (foreign) bidder, and his remains cremated and sold to be used as an additive to kitty litter. By such methods, American health care is kept as affordable and efficient as ever, and the populace is reassured that there is, indeed, Cosmic Justice.**

8. President Obama will return from a minimum of five vacations this year. It will be remarked that Air Force One works harder than he does, and the person who makes that remark will be shouted down by the media for being the absolute worst of racists. Two days later, Al Sharpton will remark that White People want to burn Black Babies in the Womb, and Infect the Black Elderly with Ebola , and he'll be applauded by the same media for his superior"Social Conscience", and actually taken seriously.

9. Nancy Pelosi will finally have that exorcism that she's been putting off for the last three decades. In the process, we will find out that the woman who became Speaker of the House and ran roughshod over the Constitutional Process, was actually a demon named Larry from the 345th layer of the Abyss, who has no idea how it was that he came to be entwined with the soul of Pelosi, as he thought he was catching a train to Scarsdale. In an exclusive interview with People magazine, Larry will tell the harrowing tale of being trapped inside such an unattractive body, but lift your spirits with his "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade..." philosophy, which he discovered when he came to painful terms with his imprisonment; If you're going to be stuck inside a cast-iron bitch with a black soul that frightens even the demonspawn, you might as well make the best of it. He takes credit for the devious manner in ObamaCare was passed, and the $14 trillion National Debt. Larry will later be the hands-down winner of the Hellspawn Award, given in recognition of great contributions to Earthly Chaos and Black-hearted Evil, and personally decorated for his actions by Satan himself. Of course, Larry will be wearing Chanel on the Big Evening, and simply can't wait for the Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview.

10. Vice President Joe Biden will have emergency surgery to remove a small fragment of brain lodged in his skull. In a daring, never-before-tried medical procedure (paid for by the Gold-plated private medical insurance that all members of the Executive Branch were given for free under Obamacare), doctors will try to perform the first Anoencephaloplasty, in which they will try to save the brain fragment by implanting it in Biden's rectum. They decide this risky maneuver is the safest and most logical thing to do, seeing as how Biden's head is already firmly ensconced within his asshole. The operation will be a success, and Biden will have finally learned his alphabets, and to tie his shoes. These accomplishments make him the hands-on favorite to win the democratic nomination for 2012. As the Vice President convalesces, President Obama takes a quick trip to Rio De Janiero for Mardi Gras, and then plays a month of golf in Scotland.

* = we here at the Asylum certainly do not wish any misfortune upon Senator McCain.

** = we here at the Asylum certainly do wish the worst-possible misfortunes upon Rep. Weiner and Sen. Schumer, we're just not advocating that someone actually take any action in that regard, nor that anyone should take it upon themselves to go hunting for these men.

Election 2010: Some Thoughts...

I still have to think some more about the implications of the"historic" Republican "victory" in yesterday's mid-term elections, so I'm going to put down some general observations right now, and then come back to the subject later this afternoon (after I watch Obama's Plea for Mercy speech this afternoon).

The Good:
* Alan Grayson, a thoroughly despicable waste of gametes, lost his Congressional seat in Florida. If there was anything that stood out from yesterday's results as the both the Best Thing That Could Happen and the Least Surprising Thing That Could Happen, this was it. This was perhaps the craziest fucker in the House of Representatives, and his loss represents about a 90% return to sanity in government. Good luck in your new job, Mr. Grayson, just remember the proper phrase is "would you like fries with that, Sir?". And smile when you say it.

* In my local election, Michael Grimm beat that malevolent leprechaun, Mike McMahon, and four other Republicans from New York are headed to Congress, allowing the NY Congressional delegation to at least be able to boast "We suck far less than we did yesterday...", Charles Schumer will not become Senate Majority Leader (since Dingy Harry survived), and I would dearly love to have been a fly on the wall when Schumer -- always one to count chickens before they hatch -- had to call off the mega-Press Conference and Fireworks Show that he'd scheduled to announce that he'd be vying for that position.

* Russ Feingold, the other half of the Greatest Assault on Free Speech in American History (Campaign Finance Reform) is now gone. Good riddance, and it was long overdue. Unfortunately, your partner in crime, John McCain, is still with us, which can only mean that the choice in Arizona must have been along the lines of "Would you rather: a) Fuck your mother, or b) Blow Your Father?" in that Senatorial contest.

The Bad:
* Harry Reid survived? How the hell did this happen? Either the people of Nevada are that fucking stupid, or Sharon Angle was the worst possible candidate. I'll have to think about that one.

* Christine O'Donnell loses. This is bad because we need some more hot chicks in Congress. If that election in Delaware taught you anything it is this: even in a day-and-age when people are unemployed, the national debt spirals out of control, the country is engaged in two wars, the Federal Government has nationalized the banks, heavy industry, insurance companies and is on the precipice of nationalizing our health care, you can STILL count on legions of people being stupid enough to be swayed by accusations that your opponent dabbles in Witchcraft. Things have not changed much since 17th Century New England, have they? I wonder; if someone took a test, would Delaware still be the dumbest -- and most irrelevant --state in the union?

* John Boehner crying. That is an image that I cannot scrub off my mind with a Brillo pad.

On MSNBC's Election Coverage (I flipped between Fox and (P)MSNBC all night):

* Keith Olbermann added a new dimension to his on-air persona; Keefy usually has a puss screwed on that is reminiscent of a man who is sitting upon his vibrator while having gallons of lemon juice poured into an open wound. Last night, he added a new face: he looked like he wanted to spit, but didn't because we all know he swallows. Keith took every opportunity to deviate from the fake "Objective Newsman" routine to scatter what passes for commentary on MSNBC with unflattering references to everyone he apparently doesn't like. Especially Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle. He was an ungracious douche, but what else could we expect from someone who probably still sleeps with his own parents, and likes having small rodents jammed in his bum?

* Rachel Maddow is a (insert word that rhymes with "hunt", and which will get you slapped in polite company). I realize that Rachel's job is to represent the "Butch Pseudo-Intellectual Lesbian" point of view on all things political, but I do recall a time when one could -- if they stretched the meaning of the word generously -- consider her to have been "fair".

* Chris Matthews had the look of a man who had just been buggered by a rabid, three-dicked grizzly bear (or maybe it was just a Momma Grizzly with a strap-on?) without lube, and no complimentary reach-around.

* Eugene Robinson is obviously disappointed that the program of Reparations by Another Name started by Resident Barack Obama now seems set to to come to an end, and that he'll have to Resort to Plan B in order to explain this defeat. Expect Gene to start cranking out columns and whining on MSNBC that Obama's failures are all the result of a vast conspiracy in which White Conservatives somehow managed to get a (half-)black man elected for the purposes of ensuring that no other black man, ever, gets elected President of the United States again. Should have asked for cash up front, Gene, instead of taking Obama's I.O.U.

* Ed Schultz is still the biggest, dumbest, most insufferable asshole on cable television,and he's even worse when his Red Comrades go down in fiery defeat. Somewhere, I'm hoping there's a guy with an elephant gun and tranquilizer darts, ready to do the country an enormous service and hunt Ed down, so that he may be returned to the Special-Needs Rhino Preserve from whence he came.

Miscellaneous:
* The notion that "Republicans must now show that they can govern" was floated about 73 times amongst the talking heads. First of all, the Republicans won the House of Representatives; democrats still control the Senate and the Presidency. The question is not "Can Republicans Govern?", but more "Why Haven't Democrats?", as they still hold 2/3 of the visible aspects of government. Had they not been pre-occupied by turning the United States into Greece -- only with turtle tunnels -- they might have actually accomplished something worth bragging about.

* On the notion that Republicans must now "reach across the isle in a spirit of non-partisanship". First of all, when a republican asks for "non-partisan"anything, he's basically asking "Hey, would you sign onto this crap so that when it fails I have some political cover?", and when a democrat calls for "Non-partisanship" it either means "I still get what I want, I just won't demonize you in public as badly as I would have", or it's a cry for mercy. Stuff "bi-partisanship" because it's the most misused word in American politics. The American People yesterday said "No" to taxes, "No" to nationalized healthcare, "No" to big government, "No" to policies that will strangle economic growth, "no" to bills that Congress can't be bothered to read before forcing them through in an unconstitutional fashion in the dead of night.

I rather doubt the democrats are in any mood to co-operate with anyone on dismantling or reversing anything they believe they've accomplished in the last two years. It's all they have to hang their hats on for 2012, after all. The only "bi-partisan" anything you'll get is where republicans in the House and Senate are able to force their democratic counterparts to swallow the bitter dregs of defeat in order to stave off defeat in 2012, and beyond. Only vulnerable democrats will play along, and when the numbers of those start to dwindle (never underestimate the power of a republican Congress to shoot itself in the foot) as we near 2012, expect to see the partisan bickering return with an even-greater fury.

* On the Notion That Obama's Speech today will Prove Once-and-For-All Whether he's a Pragmatist or an Ideologue: Were you not paying attention these last two years? Were you living under a rock? Atop a Himalayan peak where electricity and cable aren't available? Obama is an ideologue, and anything he has to say today will be simply be a regurgitation of his usual passive-aggressive ideological style ("While I look forward to working with Speaker Boehner, I will not abandon the Values and Principles that we have fought so hard to promote..."). I expect Obama will run through two teleprompters during this speech....and still say nothing.

* The most intriguing aspect of this election: Almost every candidate that Obama personally campaigned for lost. This comes a week after Al'Qaeda tried their little mail-bomb stunt. Let's see if Usama Bin Hidin' takes this clear indication of Obama's political weakness to cook something up, especially with Odouchebag scheduled to be out of the country this week (the one place where he can do the least amount of continuing damage). If I were Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton this week, I'd make sure that wherever it is that the Secret Service hides me, that refuge has plenty of reinforced concrete and is heavily-guarded.

Let Them Eat Beets!

Have you ever been to Spain? I have. Lovely country. Ever been to Marbella? Supposed to be one of the most fantastic beaches in all of the Mediterranean. Personally, I prefer Barcelona, but that's just me.

Have you ever been to Marbella, Spain, taken an entourage that required 60 hotel rooms and Secret Service protection, a government airplane, all for your seventh or eighth vacation in less than six months, at the height of the summer season, and had the tab picked up by a combination of the American taxpayer and sycophantic douchebags who think they're buying political favors?

No? Never happened to you before in your life, you say?

That's probably because you're not Michelle Antoinette...err...Obama.

To be fair, she's not the first First Lady to take advantage of one of the perks of the office, and being able to spend other people's money mindlessly and with no sense of shame -- that's a disease that everyone in Washington has these days. Hillary Clinton did the World Tour bullshit when she was First Lady. She toured Africa (where they told her that all that stuff about it"taking a village" to raise a child was just a bit of quaint bullshit they just told the tourists),and India, where the red spot she put on her forehead for the photo ops wasn't just for show: it was an indication of her politics.

While the First Family gallivants around Martha's Vineyard and Spain, while the President plays more golf than Tiger Woods (and these days, apparently better than Tiger. All that practice is paying off!). When Il Doofay isn't taking staged-before-a-paid-off-audience victory laps for things he hasn't done, or driving a Chevy Volt a whole five feet -- a microcosm of the Obama Presidency if ever there was one; a car no one wants, at a price no one can afford, with a power source produced in a foreign country, made solely for the benefit of Coastal elites who want and need a visible sign of their devotion to the tenets of a bullshit-disguised-as-science-insanity -- his wife is pretty much doing the same.

It is a fascinating development, I think, that in the last few weeks, that we're seeing Michelle Obama an awful lot. It tells you that the Chosen One is probably taking an awful lot of heat for his lackluster performance, and that SOMEONE had to be trotted out to draw attention away from the so-called "Recovery Summer" disaster, and Joe Biden just wasn't cutting it anymore (probably because everyone already knows he's a lying sack of dogsqueeze, and so pay him no mind).

So, Obama does what he always does when he needs something to deflect attention from his own shortcomings and failures: he throws someone under the bus. This time, it's his wife, and she's probably willing to make this sacrifice -- after all, it's not as if she's actually proud to be an American or anything,and so doesn't seethings in quite the same way as the rest of us do. In her mind, all this vacationing and opulence is probably just her form of reparations.

All of a sudden, Michelle emerges from the fake vegetable garden to "advocate" -- to the tune of $4 billion dollars -- for healthier food in public schools (excuse me, but why aren't parents feeding their own damned kids? Oh, right...only the non-Taxpaying ones aren't), or to show her own obviously-expanding waistline while calling for the American people to eat healthier, or extolling the virtues of beets to CBS news, who apparently couldn't find anything else to cover that day.

Why not send the Mrs. --fresh off yet another round of vacations -- to Europe, send enough people to fill a five-star hotel with her, give the whole trip a semi-diplomatic shine, and start an argument about who's paying for it, just so people will stop talking about those annoying and niggling (OMG! Oh no you didn't) details that haunt Obama's every waking hour; you know, things like Unemployment Numbers, Illegal Immigration, Health Care plans that can't be paid for, and just the general lack of competence that simply oozes out of the walls of the Oval Office.

The need for such manufactured scandal is even more critical when you own both Houses of Congress, can't get anything passed by Congrescritters worried about keeping their jobs, and have to pretend that it's "obstructionist Republicans" that are keeping your agenda in check. That may work with minority voters who are too stupid to count, and your loyal fellow-travelers who can't be bothered to for political reasons, but it doesn't fly with everyone else anymore. The old tricks and rhetoric are all worn out; they're too familiar, and familiarity breeds contempt. You need to do something that gets people thinking about something other than what a nimrod you are as President.

And that's where this White House is oh-so-predictable, and oh-so-easy-to-read; when things go badly, start a minor scandal -- and then try to sell it as your opposition trying to "distract" The People from the"vital business" of the government...like the current plans to figure out how to put 12million Illegal Aliens on the voter rolls while making look as if you're NOT putting 12 million Illegal Aliens on the voter rolls, and advancing socialism as "saving the economy". Bill Clinton did this pretty much all the time Until it caught up with him, of course).

The difference was that Clinton's Arkansas Mafia was a large operation, with plenty of Friends of Bill available to fall on swords. Obama doesn't have that luxury. He had Reverend Wright, his White Grandmother and Van Jones, and now, the only one left to commit (figurative) suicide on his behalf before the American People is Michelle. Barack Obama ran out of Kamikazes right quick, didn't he?

And as long as she's going to make that sacrifice, she might as well do it in a Five-Star Spanish resort, complete with a Royal Visit, right?

Of Joe Biden and Irish Setters...

RE: Joe's prognostication vis-a-vis mid-term elections.

Joe tells dimwit activists and the select morons at Nancy Pelosi's fundraiser not to worry; the democrats (small 'd' intentional) will handily beat the snot out of those republicans (small 'r' intentional) and keep control of the government, because President Obambi ain't done giving us all the full measure of ass rape he has planned for us, a good old-fashioned buggering, the likes of which Joe and his cronies believe, deep in their black little hearts, we're all just clamoring for.

When I read that (paraphrased) statement, I finally remembered just who...more like just what...Joe Biden reminds me of.

I remembered when I was a child, and my uncle owned an Irish Setter. She was a great dog; cute as hell, playful, affectionate, gentle, loyal. She was an over-grown puppy, always ready and eager to play, with this great, big, clumsy sort of gait. Plenty of energy, and at the first sign of children, the dog would jump up and down (usually falling to the floor at least once in the process), running around in circles, her tail wagging and her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth, usually with a string of drool hanging off of it. She would then rush off across the house to get her favorite toy, which invariably, was a tennis ball.

This was the dog's way of saying "Hey, spend several hours tossing this piece of shit so that I can chase it, crash into all the furniture, bang my head a few times on the coffee table, and bring it back to ya, okay?"

And, of course, we did. We were kids, and the sight of a big, gawky dog pouncing left,right and sideways and running head-first into the Lay-Z-Boy was great fun. We'd laugh for hours. Eventually, however, the game would take a cruel turn -- we'd get bored after a bit, and children can often be cruel without meaning to be so -- and the rules of the game would change.

We'd start psyching the dog out, and only pretend to toss the tennis ball. We'd make the throwing motion, the dog would follow with eager eyes, but the ball would never be released and would instead be quickly buried in an armpit; a bit of sleight-of-hand that dog fell for every time. The dog would then dutifully run from pillar-to-post, sniffing here and there, sticking her nose under the sofa, digging behind the couch, running from room-to-room in search of a tennis ball that she was never going to find.

She was diligent. She was determined. She would search for that stupid ball for hours, single-minded. You could not fault her effort, nor her work ethic. She would literally spend the rest of the day searching high-and-low for that tennis ball until some other thought pushed it right out of her head, like feeding time, or the whimper in front of the door that meant "Take me out: I have to pop a squat".

Once, I played that trick on that dog, and I swear; she went to sleep that evening, and the first thing the following morning, she was still looking for that tennis ball. Eventually, keeping the tennis ball away from the dog lost it's lustre, too, and became needlessly mean, so we'd give in and let her have it again. And she'd lie right there in front of you , gnawing at the tennis ball as if it were a T-bone -- the Huntress Enjoying Her Kill --and we'd pet her and tell her she was a good girl ,and give her a nice belly-rub.

I loved that dog, and I miss her (Seana finally succumbed to old age one day. She just lay down one evening and never get up again).

Joe reminds me of Seana; you can't doubt his earnestness and eagerness to please. He's determined, even to the point of being preoccupied by his single thought, oblivious to anything other than finding that tennis ball (or, in this case, the cause of rallying the troops on behalf of an Administration that half the people in the country disapprove of strongly, while the other half is deeply disappointed in it).

Joe has the same qualities as Seana: in his own way, he's a lovable doofus, too, who sometimes just doesn't realize that his quest is Quixotic, and that we're all having a good laugh at his expense. The only difference, I'd say, is that Joe probably doesn't whimper at the front door when he has to take a dump. He doesn't look housebroken to me.

But you can almost picture him doing so.

Recovery Summer?

I really hate to rain on anyone's parade (well...not really. I actually enjoy pissing on other people's parades, just to see them freak), but this "Recovery Summer Tour 2010" nonsense is a load of unadulterated bovine scatological matter.

You can tell because, well...they sent Joe Biden out to bang the drum for it, and he winds up telling the truth in that Biden-esque way that could be the basis of a hit sitcom on NBC. We're somehow supposed to believe the Enlightened Economic Policies of Barack Obama (you know, the ones the Euros just pissed all over at the 'G20 Summit'?) are about to unleash a cornucopia of unrivalled economic prosperity on the American People; the train's a-comin'. We can see the headlight. We can hear the rattle of the tracks. Just you wait. Any day now. Any day now...

So, here's Joe telling us that the Obamatards "saved the banking system" and"stabilized the economy" with a Stimulus Bill in which 96% of the funds allocated (borrowed) haven't been spent, and the Nationalization-in-all-but-name of the biggest banks, insurance firms, and auto manufacturers, and then...it happened.

It always happens with Joe. There are four things you can count on in life; death, taxes, Charles Schumer eventually killing a family of four in his mad rush to nasally drone in front of a television camera, and the premise that, if you follow Joe Biden around long enough with any sort of recording device, you will, eventually, get the whole truth despite Joe's best efforts to continue The Lie. In fact, follow him around long enough and you'll get a litany of truths.

The first truth was contained in the words"...those jobs are never coming back", in reference to the 8 million jobs lost since the beginning of this financial crisis. This was an administration that said it would have to have a $787 billion "stimulus" (which has been mostly geared, thus far, towards fattening the bank accounts of narrow democratic party constituencies ahead of the 2010 and 2012 elections) if it was "to keep unemployment at 8%". Well, it got that "Stimulus" (the first bill that no one read, or was that TARP? It's all become a blur)...

...And the Unemployment rate is closer to 10%, (closer to 17% real unemployment) and the Obamatards are comfortable with the fact that many of them are gone forever, while maintaining the fantasy that there's another batch of jobs just around the corner. You just have to believe in that Hopenchangin' magic, and poof! a Green job, or temporary Census Worker will just drop into your lap. Just you wait and see!

Well, there ain't no 8 million "Green Jobs" coming because Green Energy is a load of bullshit. Like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, The Flying Dutchman, and the Perpetual Motion Machine, the Green Energy Economy is largely a myth. More conventional industries are now under assault, or in the government's crosshairs; Big Oil garnered the wrong sort of attention when BP poisoned the Gulf of Mexico. Wall Street is about to be slapped with a new round of regulations-which-are-really-taxes that will probably hasten the destruction of many of the weaker-but-salvageable firms. Obamacare (the second bill that no one read) will nationalize, unionize and cost-control the medical profession back into the Middle Ages of bloodletting and leaches.

All of those industries are about to get socked to pay for penile implants for illegal immigrants, paying the UAW to continue voting democrat, saving a variety of obscure wildlife that stands in the way of progress and prosperity, and funding every stupid-ass-pie-in-the-sky-hippie-program that can spring from the fevered imaginations of Obama, Pelosi and Reid, unless they are either stripped of power, or assassinated (and no, that was NOT a request, just hyperbole. If you're thinking about killing anyone, please make it someone truly important...like Lady Gaga or Simon Cowell).

The second truth was revealed, in of all places, a custard shop in Wisconsin.

Joe stopped in for a tasty frozen treat, and got into a bit of banter with the shop manager, who decided that the opportunity to make a political statement while Joe was trying to make his own (after all, the Vice President rubbing elbows with the Peasants in front of cameras is supposed to be all about the Administration, not the People. Showing him up is considerd Bad Form, you know). When asked "How much do I owe you?" for the frozen treats, the manager intimated that if perhaps the Vice President could convince the Administration to lower taxes, the bill would be paid in full, Joe went into full menstrual fury mode.

As far as snits are concerned, this was a good one. Joe reminded me of an old girlfriend who always acquired the most disturbing personality traits whenever she was menstruating. There was the constipated visage; that intense look that could curdle milk, and perhaps separate oil and water, if it didn't set the oil aflame first. Then came the tightening, like a rope being wound around a windlass, complete with that Noise -- the one that sounds like straining and cracking wood that is produced as fingers are balled into a fist and the knuckles strain the flesh of the hand. Finally, there was the eye-rolling-looking-down-my-nose-at-you-contempt, the utter disdain for all living things, especially those who had decided that RIGHT FUCKING NOW was a good time to challenge a coiled rattlesnake. Yep, Joe looked exactly like Denise whenever Aunt Flo came to visit.

"Why do you have to be a wise-ass?" asked the Vice President. Or words to that effect. And therein was the nugget of truth; Joe Biden doesn't have to take guff and back-talk from the Peasants. How dare one of these people question the authority and actions of their Betters? How is it that such a lower life form can imagine that he knows more about economic and taxation matters than a President who spent nearly a whole year in the Senate? It is not Our (meaning we peasants) job to question, suggest, or to even remind Joe that he actually works for us, and that criticism comes with the job. No, Our job is to meekly knuckle under, and follow the dictates of a class of snobs which does everything ass-backwards, and turns everything it touches into a pile of gold-plated turds -- when it does anything at all -- and to shut up about it.

Take your ass rape like a man, Custard Shop Manager! Get with the program.

With apologies to the late General Stillwell, "Vinegar and Water" Joe (Biden) gave you all the proof you ever needed that we are being"led" (mostly astray) by a group of complete retards with extremely thin skin, and no tolerance for debate. They call themselves "liberals", but there's very little of the liberal about them. And they show it everytime you try to question their authority and actions: they run you out of Town Hall meetings (notice there don't seem to be any of those, anymore?), they criticize you for being a plodding clod if you watch or read anything they don't approve of, they call you a Nazi if you decide to join a Tea Party or hold a view that runs contrary to their requirements, and then they call you a wise-ass if you manage to get a bit of your own back at their expense.

Did The National Enquirer Catch Barry Doin' the Dirty, Too?

The report from Mediaite (disclaimer: I've never heard of them!) is a bit skittish, and pretty much hems and haws between "they have the goods on him" to "they might have the goods on him, but don't count on it", and was later updated to reflect a statement by the Enquirer that it doesn't have a tape that someone said they might have had.

At this point, third-hand-rumors of a second-hand story, BUT, the Enquirer did have the dirt on John Edwards, and nailed him a dozen-ways-to-Sunday with it, so who knows. Then again, it's not like John Edwards was very smart.

I will personally take no joy from it if this turns out to be true, if only because a) I have my own problems, thank you very much, and b) I would feel badly for the Obama daughters. My take on it is that I wouldn't be surprised if the rumors/reports were true, but does that mean they should be reported? I know, some of the more panty-bunched of the public (especially those with political axes to grind, or who may be awaiting the Rapture) will say "Hell, yes! A man who can't keep his marriage vows can't be trusted to run the country honorably!" to which I reply: at what point, exactly,did you expect him to? When you aren't calling him "Socialist" or examining his birth certificate under a microscope, you're probably laying awake at night wondering when The Almighty will finally deliver America from Obama's evil clutches with a well-timed sex scandal. What evidence has Obambi given you to this point to indicate that he's an honest man to begin with? I'm still waiting for shit to turn up on C-Span and the Stimulus website which proves that he truly is running the "most transparent Administration in History".

Of course, I'm still waiting for Bill Clinton to fulfill his promise to run the "most ethical Administration in history" , and for Nancy Pelosi to "drain the swamp of Washington, D.C." and Teddy Kennedy to fess up about drowning Mary Jo. I think I have a better shot at hearing from Teddy than from Bill. I don't want to hear anything more from Nancy.I expect my politicians to be scumbags, liars and sexual deviants, this way I won't be disappointed when they turn out to be just that.

Then there's the "This could potentially leave the man open to blackmail, and a President who can be blackmailed is bad for America..." argument, which is true, up to a point. JFK was open to blackmail on an epic scale, Nixon, too. We survived. I rather doubt someone's going to tell Obama "either you go public or we nuke you!" or "I'll spill the beans if you don't sign this bill...". Of course, anyone who tried to blackmail a President could probably expect a visit from the Secret Service or FBI, so without solid proof that he's done something illegal, as opposed to something unethical, I rather doubt anyone's coming forward, or asking for cash or a quid pro quo.

Perhaps I'm just too cynical to really care, unless, of course, Barry got a Monica in the Oval Office. Then it becomes a different ballgame altogether. Then whatever he's doing is on My Time. But something which appears to be old news, with dubious proof (if there's any at all), is nothing to get all excited about. I don't like the man's politics, but I don't think it necessary to tear him to shreds over rumor and innuendo (and yes, I know that's the American way going all the way back to Aaron Burr, but still). I would still give no credence to the rumor without proof.

And besides, I'm not one of those Obama haters who wants the man destroyed, I just want him replaced, preferably by means of an election rather than a resignation under duress. I mean, if you think Obama is bad, just look who's lined up behind him, ready to take over should he have to go.

HIllbuzz refutes the Obama Affair rumors with the following (paraphrasing) "we know the woman well, like her very much, and just don't think it's possible or even likely....and besides, Obama is gay...".

Oh, well, that explains everything. Then again, if anyone knows who's gay in Washington, it's Hillbuzz.

A Second Great Depression....

Obama kicks Wall Street in the balls for it's part in triggering what is now a Second Great Depression.

This from the man who told us that $787 billion Stimulus Bill -- that FIRST BILL that no one read before it was signed into law -- was necessary to avoid "the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."

This from a man who told us that nationalizing Medical Care, the SECOND BILL that no one redad before it was signed into Law (which doesn't take "full" effect until 2014 -- after the taxes are already rolling in) was necessary to aid in our swift economic recovery.

This from the same Person who asserted that Cap-and-Trade bills and Green Energy Initiatives would fundamentally change the American economy and provide millions of jobs.

This accusation comes from a man who's administration promised "six million jobs created or saved" and "transparency", but which routinely lies about job numbers, and won't tell us just by what criteria it counts a job as "created" or "saved".

This Economic Lecture comes from the Administration which in little more than a year has added $1.3 trillion to the Federal Deficit, and will add $12 trillion to the National Debt by the time it's done.

You know it's all about politics, don't you? People like Obama always need enemies, and they always need crises, because if they didn't there would be no reason to keep them in power. You'd question their motives and intentions, if it wasn't always a dire emergency.

The people of this country should be ashamed of themselves. They got so desperate that they lost faith in what this country was supposed to stand for, and for what it was and always will be, and they voted for a Socialist charlatan with no knowledge of economics or foreign affairs, who can't speak without a teleprompter, and who simply recycled Bill Clinton's mantra of "change", Jimmy Carter's economic policies, LBJ's welfare state, and FDR's expansion of government -- which was only appealing by comparison because the Other Side was offering little better -- into the highest office in the land.

This from the man who was stupid enough to pick Joe Biden to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office. I guess that was because Obama looks positively statesman-like when compared to Joe Ding-Dong.

He hides his stupidity behind fake populism, and when he's really desperate, in accusations of racism. I thank all of you Obamatards very, very much; you couldn't have made a worse choice if someone had paid you to do so.

2010 can't come soon enough, that we might be spared the worst of this jerk's politics and policies.

Update: spelling, grammar and a few re-written sentences.

Hey! The Wall Street Journal AND Commentary Agree With Me!

So, I must be right!

It's indicative of how stupid and desperate an electorate can get that they will swallow almost anything uncritically, and with their eyes wide shut.

Now more than ever, not only should Barack Obama and his party be defeated, as soon as the fight is over we should all line up and kick John McCain square in the balls for being such a rotten candidate, and running such a cluster-fuck of a campaign. In retrospect, it not certain that McCain would have been any better as President (he certainly wouldn't), but he might have at least been polite enough to die in office and leave Sarah Palin in charge.

I'm not saying she would have been the best choice, either, but in replaying all the possible outcomes of the peculiar set of circumstances that came into play in November of 2008, I'm not so sure. Your choice was between the Old Man with the Woman Who at Least Had Held a Real Job Once Her Life, or the Bi-Racial Bullshit Artist with the REAL Retard in Tow. America took Plan B, and this is how we got here. But for the fact that John McCain had a senior moment in pulling that "suspending my campaign" stunt so as to look "statesmanlike" before bending over like a $10 whore for the bailouts he so vociferously opposed, he managed to get outmaneuvered in the process by the parvenu Obama (who managed to vote "Present" once again). It probably cost him the election, regardless of the rhetorical mastery of Obama's speechwriters and Teleprompters (we've since found out that Obama has no real speaking skills of his own).

And in the end, this is what we have: an Egomaniac-in-Chief, who believes that having perpetrated the Greatest Scam in the History of the World, he can not only get whatever liberty-destroying bill he wants passed, but that he's goddamned entitled to have it pass on his terms, and Fuck Us if we're not with the program.

This is why the right to vote should be taken away from at least 50% of the people in this country.

Douchebag of the Week (2/17/10): Joe Biden

Note: I know this feature usually appears on Mondays, but I was quite busy earlier in the week and forgot all about it. I'm back on schedule now...I think.

The recent battle royale on the Sunday talk shows revolved around the war of words between Vice Presidents: Dick Cheney and Joe Biden, on the subject of the War on Terror (more like the Public-Relations-Campaign-With-Guns-Against-Terror, but that's another post entirely).Dick has made himself a thorn in the side of the Obambi Administration (such as it is) by continually, and factually, accusing the Obamatards of being weak in the face of Islamofascist terrorism. Never ones to let anything that can even be remotely construed as a Personal Attack upon His Heinous Barack I to go unchallenged, the Obameisters sent Joe Biden out to 'set the record straight'.

Joe Biden is perhaps one of the biggest political doofuses in American history, perhaps even outpacing anyone with the surname 'Kennedy'. A man so bland and uninteresting that he has had to invent an entirely new past for himself, and not just once, but several times. The makeovers and repackaging occur at dizzying speeds, as Joe tries to stay one step ahead of those who know he's an asshole, but just haven't convinced enough people to pay attention yet.

The best-known version of Joe Biden's past belonged to another, and arguably better, man: Neil Kinnock, the Welsh-born leader of Britain's'Old Labour' party who railed against what he thought of as the Nazi-like Margaret Thatcher and her Conservatives in the British Parliament. Kinnock, born into a hardscrabble existence to a common laborer and a nurse, was one of those old-time success stories; the local lad made good through hard work, sharpened by the rough-and-tumble of life and politics, until he stood as a Statesman of the First Degree and a Man of the People. Kinnock at least had the advantage of being believable and articulate, even if you hated his guts.

Of course, Joe had to eventually admit to 'borrowing' parts of Kinnock's life (including his speeches) to burnish his own reputation, and it cost him his first run for the Presidency. Perhaps if Joe had taken notice of the fact that Kinnock was often referred to as "The Welsh Windbag" he might have selected a different life story to co-opt. But Joe never knows when to stop; it's a habit. He also had to admit to another act of plagiarism, as when he lifted an entire law review article and passed it on as his own work during his first year of Law School. He went through several other permutations: Joe the Amtrak Commuter, Joe the Regular Guy having coffee with he hoi-polloi in a diner that had been closed for a decade, Joe the Loveable Dope who couldn't help but trip over his own tongue.

But this new-and-improved Joe Biden, the Terror Warrior Extraordinaire, the perfect foil to the Evil Darth Cheney, is just too much to bear with a straight face. It's almost hard to take him seriously and this presents one with an interesting conundrum; you know he's a pompous ass, a screaming moron, a 'Me-Too!' sort of guy, but compared to his Boss, he's almost credible despite the literally-storybook past and propensity to talk out both sides of his mouth and rectum simultaneously.

The subject this past Sunday was whether the Obama Administration sends the wrong message about it's supposedly-tough stance on Terrorism when it tries to convict terrorists in civilian courts, rather than in Military Tribunals. The answer to this is a resounding "YES!" to anyone with more sense than a cocker spaniel, but Joe is compelled to spin yet one more fantasy yarn; Barack Obama is prosecuting terrorists in the same way that George W. Bush did. So, there's no need for Dick Cheney to open his yap, is there?

Essentially, this argument is true; the difference, however, between the Bush Administration's handling of terror trials and Barack Obama's lies in the context.

Bush ordered these cases be tried by Military Courts, only to run afoul of the democratic Congress and the Far-Left who wants to see America humbled yet again. It was they who screamed about such things being blatantly "unfair' and challenging Bush's authority as Commander-in-Chief to do such things. The Supreme Court of the United States agreed; the President may be Commander in Chief, but he did not have the authority to try these scum in military courts without the authorization of Congress. Authorization was sought, and received. Twice. Both laws granting Bush that authority passed Constitutional Muster (although not without dissent from the knuckleheads on the Left side of the Supreme Court), and every time the Bush Administration tried to convict a terrorist in Military Courts, the attempt was pre-emptively stymied by counter-suits filed by every left-leaning, terrorist-coddling organization you could think of. Some of them even associated with Eric Holder.

Bush eventually had no choice, despite having the authority to try these scumbags in Military Courts, but to try terrorists in Civilian courts -- if they were to be tried and convicted at all, and the trials themselves not held hostage to years of litigation in defense of killers.

Barack Obama, then a Senator, incidentally voted against both authorizations for military tribunals, telling you where his heart truly lay. If that isn't enough, guess who his Attorney General is? To be fair, you can give Obama his due in this regard: while he's a lying sack of crap about using all the tools available to him in the fight against terrorism, and he's wrong about using Civilian Courts to try what are, essentially, War Crimes, he's at least consistent in which tools he chooses to use, and his general attitude towards treating Terrorism as a criminal and diplomatic matter, easily handled with lawyers and envoys. Military Tribunals are opposed by the Left -- because the trials might be found to be fair after all, and even more expeditious than civilian trials, and this would burst their myth of America as a racist, despicable place that burns witches and gays at the stake and shoots puppies between the eyes on behalf of ExxonMobil or Jerry Falwell. No Leftist can admit that the Military can be fair or trustworthy (it's an evil institution that kills people of color for money), and the United States should never be allowed to win anything. Not wars... and certainly not trials.

For not making this fine, but important, distinction clear,for not telling the absolute truth to the public, and for not telling the whole story of the trials and tribulations the Military Tribunal system has been through, and for having the audacity to dare to compare his douchebag boss to George W.Bush, Joe Biden has achieved a level of douchery rarely seen and hardly to be believed.

I recall from my history studies that in the Second Wold War, an American General sent to aid the sorry excuse of a government of Chaiang Kai-shek in it's fight against the Japanese, General Stilwell -- one f the forgotten heroes of that era -- who was referred to as "Vinegar Joe" because of his abrasive and combative attitude. Stillwell was hard to get along with, yes, but he was a brilliant, fighting general who was dropped into a politically-impossible situation, and was frustrated in his attempts to defeat the enemy. I think I refer to Biden as "Vinegar and Water Joe" because of his manifest douchiness, but also because of this semi-parallel: Biden's brand of poltically-generated pablum makes it difficult for today's generals to defeat their enemies, too.

I wish Dick Cheney would challenge Joe Biden to a fistfight and kick his ass.

(The REAL) Text of the State of the Union Speech...

I have been fortunate enough to have had one of the first drafts of the President's speech placed in my possession by a mysterious stranger. How this person came into a copy of the original speech is unknown (He said the less I knew, the safer I would be...)and my benefactor went so far as to wear a disguise in order to protect his identity, and arrange for the transfer to take place in an isolated, wooded copse in rural West Virginia (Hey, isn't that redundant?), far from prying eyes. The man seemed nervous, frightened even, as if his very life were in danger. When I finally arrived back at Lunatic Central several hours later, and broke the waxen seal on the envelope containing this most-secret document, I finally knew why.

The Speech was something the Light Bringer might certainly kill to keep secret. I expect his Hippie Death Squads to kick in my door at any moment, now. But, the record must be clear, the Speech -- as it was meant to be delivered, before the Presidential Speechwriters and Spin Doctors talked him into the more measured and meaningless language he will use tonight -- must be shared with the rest of the world. By the time you finish this, I may have disappeared.

[Enter, Stage Right. Pause, pretending to acknowledge several Members of Congress. Nod to the idiots Biden and Pelosi. Wait for phony applause to subside, and the stooges to be seated]

Tonight, I wish to address all of you ungrateful peasants, you rotten bastards, you sorry excuses for humanity who are not worthy to lick my spittle...

[Lift chin in confident-yet-defiant manner, turn head left]

One year ago I, the Savior of the Universe, took control of a country in ruins; the economic system was on the brink of a catastrophe that is beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. The Nation was entangled in two simultaneous wars of choice, fighting enemies who's only crime was to innocently expect us to treat them as equals, and who's methods are simply misunderstood by those without the empathy and superior intellect of people like myself. Our Civil Liberties were threatened by other's stubborn refusal to extend them to non-citizens who have merely been accused on the basis of hundreds or even thousands of less-than-reliable eyewitnesses, but not properly convicted in a court of law, of attempted mass murder, destruction of property and Acts of War, acts of so-called "terrorism", which only exists as a product of Dick Cheney's evil imagination. I inherited all of these problems, and much more; in fact, every President going back to Washington -- the slave owner -- has contributed to this mess which I must now clean up, single-handed, without any help from you lesser clumps of DNA.

[Pause, wait for Nancy Pelosi to finish her seal clap, put the vacant stare back on her face, turn head right]

My Apostles and I are committed to saving the country from the misguided efforts of the Majority to impose their will upon Us. It is a well-known fact that The Majority in America is incapable of forming independent thoughts. It is a great mass of mindless sheep who simply wait for someone to tell them what to do, how to think, and how to act. Evil men like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have put dangerous thoughts into their heads; they have poisoned their minds so that they rebel against the Great Gifts of HopeandChange that I, the Anointed One, was specifically sent to bestow upon you. You have sinned in the eyes of God, that is to say, Me.

This Majority is to be opposed at all costs; it is the embodiment of evil. They are the descendants of the White, bourgeois Middle-Class, slave-owning establishment. They profess superstitious beliefs in deities, spirits, Capitalism and The Law. It is a dangerous thing which tries to disguise itself; It calls itself "Independent Voter" and "Moderate", and all the while, it seeks to engage in Counter-revolutionary activities; it stockpiles dangerous weapons and votes against my hand-picked lackeys.

[Pause while someone replaces the duct tape over Joe Biden's mouth. Emphasize next passage with Twin-Open-Hand Chops]

It has come to Our attention that this Misguided, Sinful, Insignificant Majority has sinned against our August Personage; [Face Camera, Adopt Negro Preacher Tone] it has voted republican, not one...not twice... but three times. This, despite the effort I made getting up off the Presidential couch to travel to places like Trenton, Boston, Richmond and the other disgusting places where you revolting little turds live. You were told WHO and WHAT to vote for, and you didn't listen. You believe you have Free Will. You Believe that you have something called "rights", which properly only belong to Muslim Terrorists and Black Panthers standing outside polling stations with weapons. You believe you are entitled to "own things" and keep your "own money", which is all, rightfully, the property of the government, that is to say, ME. They are mistaken; their property and wealth exist soley to be distributed as I see fit to the huddled masses with their Pants on the Ground, and to the Undocumented Workers.

[Pause, wait for commotion caused by Union Workers specifically bribed with free donuts and whiskey, Welfare mothers bussed in from eleven different states for Malt Liquor and a pack of Kools each, and trained to boo and hiss on cue to cease. Strike Stalin-esque-looking-to-the-sky pose]

To those who have not accepted me as their personal Lord and Savior, I say this: I shall try -- one last time -- to reconcile you and bring you within the fold. I will accede to one of your paltry demands, as a show of both good faith and of my infinite mercy and goodwill, and I restrain federal discretionary spending for the next three years. It amounts to little more than loose change, but it is symbolic of our Love and Sacrifice on your behalf. You will now show the proper respect and reciprocate; there will be no more criticism. There will be no more of this voting for evil republicans. There will be no more of this disgusting Tea Bagging. For these these things are the mark of deviants. Deviants will be destroyed; we've done it to Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin and Wall Street Bankers -- we can do it to anyone we wish, anytime we wish. The Revolution will continue, as we see fit. Those who repent now may be forgiven their Treason and Unorthodoxy, perhaps.

[Applause from democrats while Republicans are led out in chains by members of the Congressional Black Caucus for summary execution]

The Revolution began One Year Ago. It must continue. There must be Obamacare, there must be higher taxes, there must be more terrorism, there must be economic upheaval, and great suffering, and you will endure it silently and willingly while your betters direct and control your lives for your own good. We protect you; left to your own devices, most of you would stick hat pins in your own eyeballs. You do not need to know why we will do these things; you need simply to obey, and to remember that it is for your benefit. That is what you were created for; to obey my commands and accede to my whims, and not to ask questions or criticize Me.

If you do not get back in line, if you do not remember your place, if you do not follow me willingly and blindly -- even unto poverty and death while waiting for aspirin in a government-run hospital -- then you are a racist. Good Night, and Obama Bless America.

[Assume commander-in-chief pose while Biden, Pelosi and Reid lead the masses in the Upraised-Arm salute]

Why Do We Still Have Amtrak?

I know, I know...Joe Biden wouldn't have a setting for those folksy, politically-motivated (and patently false) little vignettes, the one he tells in the style of a cherished recollection. They sort of remind you of Burl Ives, hot cocoa, and invoke a vision of a storybook tale in front of the fireplace.

*Sigh*...I know I just love when Joe tells those stories, about diners that he just ate in a few days ago that later turn out to have closed ten years before. Nothing says "Americana" better than Joe's revelations that he commuted back and forth from Washington to Delaware every day, just like a regular working shmoe, and met all sorts of fascinating, uniquely-American characters that have helped form his political philosophy and personal outlook...when he didn't lift them in their entirety from Charles Dickens or Jackie Collins, or maybe it was Spider Man, or whatnot.

Why, without Amtrak, Joe Biden wouldn't be Joe Sixpack --- the man we all know and love. Joe makes it seem so romantic.

Actually, having travelled many times on Amtrak, I'm surprised we don't find more mass murderers, escaped convicts, headhunters, cannibals and lepers on those trains. It's certainly not the most efficient means of travel, nor the most comfortable. I've routinely spent an average 18+ hours for a trip between New York and Charlotte N.C., for example, on a cattle-car train with a sceptic tank, eating World War II-surplus sandwiches and coffee that was probably made during the Cuban Missile Crisis at prices that would make scurvy an attractive proposition. When you ask the Cafe car attendant "What have yo got?" and he replies "Indigestion or malnutrition, your choice..." you know you're in trouble. That's a trip, incidentally, that Amtrak claims should take only 13 hours, on average.

(Editor's Note: I have driven that same distance, 730 miles or so, in a little over 10 hours --- personal best ---, and you can fly it in just over 1 hour).

In fact, to get anywhere near that 13 hour trip time, you have to leave Charlotte at 3 a.m. to get on the "good train", which at least has larger seats that recline (a little more than usual), but that ticket costs more. Forget about reserving a sleeper berth; for that kind of money, I could fly First-Class...twice. I only want to use the thing for a few hours, not take a mortgage out on it.

I've taken Amtrak many times before; to Philadelphia, Upstate New York, Pittsburgh, Charlotte, Boston, Washington D.C. It's sole virtue is that, for some locations, it's infinitely cheaper (and less of a hassle) than flying, provided you have time to spare...a lot of time to spare. Amtrak is hardly ever on schedule. If you're afraid to fly and don't drive, I guess if given a choice between Amtrak and Greyhound, I might choose a train under the logical assumption I will arrive at my destination faster. Fat chance.

But this is too ridiculous, even for Amtrak.