Friday, March 19, 2010

One Pill Makes You Larger, and One Pill Makes you Small...

Literally, considering how many commercials there are devoted to the erection! Not to mention how many of us must be seriously depressed by life.

Yesterday, I decided to perform a little experiment and see just how many drug commercials I might be able to see in a reasonable time frame. So. I set my television to a station where I figured there'd be plenty of commercials, and then set aside three hours of my life to count how many drug commercials there were.

Total number of drug commercials? 12. Total number of drugs advertised? 9. The three extra viewings were for a brand-spanking-new anti-depressant, which I just HAD to do some research on, being something of an expert on the subject (more on this below).

I then took the opportunity to find out how much all of these drugs cost. What follows is a list of the drugs, what they're supposed to do, and how much they cost, with a little commentary from Your's Truly. Where possible, I have included a YouTube link to the commercial. If you have the time, please, please, please view the commercials and actually LISTEN to the warnings they give about the side effects of these drugs, and then, ask yourself a question; who in their right mind takes this shit, and if it were you, would you risk it?

You might be surprised that you're going to hear things you may have missed the 900 other times you saw these commercials.

For a few of these things, the commercial wasn't available on YouTube...except as part of a Consumer Reports expose series. I've linked 'em!

Here's the list, alphabetically:

1. Abilify - This is the new anti-depressant, so I had to do some research on this. In the "Community" (as we call it, "Community" refers to us Lunatics who keep in touch), Abilify has already become known as "Suicidium". Which is a pretty bad rep for a anti-depressant to have. The other bad thing about Abilify; it's usually given to people who are ALREADY taking other anti-depressants. I can tell you from personal experience, if you're taking multiple AD's, you're simply asking for trouble. Average price: $186.00 for 30-day supply. Please take note of the dire warnings about the SEVERE side effects.

2. Ambien - This is a sleep aid. The average cost is $260.00 for 50 pills. I don't know about you, but if I need to sleep that badly, I usually drink. Or watch MSNBC. One of the prime complaints about Ambien is that it's not uncommon for people who take it to suddenly get behind the wheel and start driving, completely unaware that they're doing so because...well, they're asleep! It's believed that Tiger Woods was taking Ambien the night he turned his driveway into the Biggest Soap Opera of 2009. I could not find a video worth posting on this one... Sorry.

3. Boniva - a treatment for Osteoporosis, flogged relentlessly by Sally Field. The advantage to Boniva, so we're told, is that you only need to take it once a month, a relief to busy Baby Boomer Broads for whom a daily pill and a glass of water might consume upwards of, oh... 18 seconds...of their busy, busy schedule. Average cost for Boniva was $348.50 for three treatments. By the way, you won't believe what sort of shit you have to go through in order to take it. Just watch.

4. Cialis - what man wouldn't like the confidence of knowing he can pop a boner on a schedule? Why, if you take Cialis you can rest assured that you can sport wood anytime within a 36-hour period. Just hope your intended doesn't have a 36-hour period of her own, or you're shit out of luck.

Please take note of the part where they say Cialis may affect your vision. I thought you only went blind if...oh, never mind. The average cost of Cialis was $161.00. Oh, and just because you can hold a woody for a real long time or produce one on command, it doesn't mean you won't have a problem with...ummm...early discharge. Which seems like an awful gyp.

5. Chantix - smoking cessation aid. This was another one for which the commercial wasn't available (not with good quality, anyway), but there's a Consumer's Report video of this one, too.
The average price for the Starter Kit was $131.00, and the Continuation kit (apparently, once you start Chantrix you have to continue to take it for several months) costs about the same. For that kind of money, you could hire someone to smoke for you.

6. Cymbalta - treats depression. But then again, I can tell you from personal experience that no drugs actually TREATS depression; they all just cover up the symptoms. Be that as it may, the worst aspect of Cymbalta is that you can't take a fucking aspirin with it because you might bleed to death. Average cost for this Absolute Godsend was $402.00 for a 90-day supply. Here's the commercial. I might want to bleed to death if I ever spent $402.00 on something and it didn't have a Hemi in it, or it didn't blow me with just a minimum of gentle persuasion.

7. Seroquel XR - another anti-depressant. Please note: it's also given to schizophrenics. I swear, we're all head cases in this country, aren't we? There was no commercial available for Seroquel, so I linked to the webpage. Seroquel costs about $100 for a month's supply (low dosage), but pay attention to the list of some of the most incredible side-effects: especially the part where it says that if you have some form of dementia and take this drug, you might just die. The involuntary facial tics, salivation, diabetes, possible sudden seizures and neurological disorders, and the possible liver damage, are just the bonus prizes you get for taking Seroquel.

8. Valtrex - for the treatment of genital herpes. Let's get something straight: despite all the young-ish, apparently straight actors in this commercial, I'm told by reliable sources that genital herpes is most often to be found amongst those over 55, and in Gay Men (Herpes was all the rage in the 1970's and 80's, you know. Then AIDS came along, and everyone forgot about it). This is another drug for Baby Boomers trying to disguise itself! Are you beginning to notice a pattern; how many commercials aimed at Baby Boomers have something to do with the crotch and screwing? I knew you would! The average cost of Valtrex was $151.00. And just like your herpes, you're probably stuck with Valtrex forever if you want to have any kind of sex life whatsoever.

9. Viagra - the Granddaddy of them all! The ultimate tribute to the Erect Phallus. Please take note of the very artistry of this commercial (as well as the list of side effects); well-preserved Woodstock-rejects, in a scene vaguely reminiscent of their "garage-band" days, sitting around, a-strummin' and a-singin' about Doin' the Nasty with Betty Sue, and then they sing the paean to the little blue bugger that makes it all possible! VEEEEE-VAAAAAAAH VIAGRA! You can't mistake just who this commercial is aimed at. Viagra has probably been responsible for more heart attacks in the last five years than red meat, a tanking NASDAQ, unexpected paternity test results and the erection...errr...ELECTION... of Barack Obama combined. Average cost of Viarga; $153.00.

Now, why did I do all this? What possible reason could I have for devoting this much time and effort to nonsense?

Because these are the drugs the Baby Boomers are taking, and they'll soon be retiring in huge numbers....and they'll want whatever version of ObamaCare that might pass to, eventually, pay for their prescriptions. You think it can't happen? If ObamaCare becomes the law of the land, within a decade there will be a voting bloc so monumentally huge that they will be denied nothing; 70 million Baby Boomers who'll want strong bones...and even stronger boners. And they'll have absolutely nothing to do (besides fuck, apparently) except vote, and what they'll vote for is what previous monolithic voting blocs have always voted for: someone pay for my shit!

Just as Social Security became the "third-rail" of American politics, so will ObamaCare for a generation that will depend upon it as recent economic loses will have destroyed much of their retirement assets.

This is what they'll expect to have others pay for. Magic pills that cure everything, expensively, but often cause far more problems then they solve...only more expensively. Which leads to a much more expensive Medical System.

You have been warned.

Update: The response to this post has been so positive, I'm thinking of making it a regular feature. So, every so often, I'll be posting more obnoxious crap about the silly prescription drug commercials we're deluged with ona daily basis.

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