Don't Take That Victory Lap Yet, Mitt...

#Excelsior502 - Mitt Romney has won the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, and has, de jure, become the presumptive GOP nominee in the Great Battle to Defeat Stupidity in 2012.

Big Deal.

Five Reasons Why Jon Huntsman Should Be Mowing My Lawn...

...and for free.

#Excelsior502 - One of the many services we provide here at the Lunatic’s Asylum is the proffering of unsolicited opinion on topics various and sundry. One of my personal favorite past times is in serving up my cynical and jaundiced political views with a large side order of sarcastic invective, and the latest targets of my diseased political outlook have been the current crop of 2012 GOP contenders.

IowaHawk is God...

If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits. Who will grow up into big dipshits, who will vote democratic and believe in Global Warming, and all that rot, and continue the cycle of dipshits who don't read IowaHawk.

Just read the damned thing!

So, you've lost your election...

Conspiracy Theory is History For Stupid People, Part II..

The democrats (small 'd' intentional) are casting about for someone to blame for the incredible pasting they took last Election Day, and for the falling popularity numbers of the their Savior, Barack Obama.

Since reason, logic and truth are tools never to be found in the good libtards toolbox, every failure of the progressive agenda, and all attached to it, simply must be the result of a conspiracy by the forces of reactionary conservatism. Conspiracies woven from whole cloth always answer all the questions swirling about liberal failures, and spare libtard the pain of having to ask the questions.

People hate ObamaCare? Must be because republicans talked badly about it.

Barack Obama is about as popular as tuberculosis? Must be the racism on Talk Radio.

Democrats lost the House of Representatives and damn-near lost the Senate? Must be because all those bitter clingers and Teabaggers fixed the election, suppressing minority voters and taking scads of foreign money to defeat good democrats who had only the best interests of the United States in their hearts.

There's apparently a secret hideout where all these conservatives, Tea Partiers, Godbots and Closet Klansmen get together, far from prying eyes, and plot the demise of the democratic republic. There, in smokey back rooms, the Chamber of Commerce, Tea Party, Republican Party (and probably the Knights Templar) all get together to plot and scheme, and then they unleash their dastardly super-secret plan to crush the poor and true-hearted.

Of course, none of this actually ever happens. Dimwitted democrats just think it does -- they simply have to -- because the truth (they suck, their ideas suck harder, and their President swallows) is too difficult a concept to fathom, and too painful to admit.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

James Carville is a Moron...

And ugly as hell.

Only a moron could say these things, and only bigger morons could take him seriously.

Get this through your thick skulls, Democrats: you lost because your ideas stink on ice, and the people you elect to advance them are deeply flawed, mentally-constipated mouthbreathers who haven't figured out that the 1960's finally ended.

Yet Another Reason Why I'm Not A Conservative Anymore...

A new storm is brewing between the Tea Parties and the Taliban wing of the American Right. This one is between social conservatives who believed that Christine O'Donnell was an absolutely fantastic candidate who should have been elevated to Queen of the Galaxy, and the Middle-of-the-Road Conservatives who feel that winning elections and putting forth workable policies are more important than expressions of Religious faith.

This little catfight began over accusations that Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, unfairly criticized O'Donnell, and that this may have helped her lose her Senate bid to a "bearded Marxist" in Delaware. The same lament you always hear when a"Real Conservative" loses reprises: we coulda/shoulda/woulda won, if it hadn't had been for those (pick one) RINOs/Rockefeller Republicans/Northeast Liberal Repubs/Country Club Republicans who stood in our way.

You can read about the extremely petty -- and retarded -- origins of this brouhaha here and here. As if Chris Christie wasn't already a target of the Left (what with the Attorney General investigating his five-year-old travel vouchers), now he has a bullseye on his back, courtesy of the Insane Right.

Money Quote:

"When you start seeing people like Chris Christie being attacked for not being conservative enough, you know that the right is in danger of going off the rails. Or at least some parts of it."

This invariably begins the quadrennial pissing contest called "The Who's More Conservative than Whom Sweepstakes" which will dominate the lead-up to, and much of, the 2012 Republican primaries.

The sad part is that none of this has anything to do with Conservatism; it's really all about religion. When one of the chest-beaters on the Right says that he or she, or someone they support, is "more conservative than _____", what they really mean is that person is a candidate who loudly, and proudly, proclaims their Christianity. And not just any old Christianity, either; you almost never hear of this "Real Conservative" tag being placed upon a Roman Catholic (O'Donnell somehow managed this feat), or a Lutheran, for example. Born-Again's, Evangelicals of all Stripes, Baptists, those are the "Real" Conservatives, you see.

For these folks, Conservatism is not a political philosophy; it is a tribal affiliation, a way of designating which brand of religious insanity they ascribe to. For people like this, religion is not a personal matter of faith, it's a driving impulse -- perhaps even THE only motivating factor in their lives. Their faith gives them a purpose, while simultaneously blinding them to reality. Then again, that's what faith really is, anyways; the willful suspension of truth or logic.

Anyhow, these folks get involved in politics for the following reasons;

a. They want the government to use the force of law to impose their morality to upon others. This, coincidentally, is what the worst Libtards also want, so the extremes of both parties have more in common than they can ever admit to. One side seeks to reorder the planet according to their tastes, and the others according to the command of God. Both lead to a loss of freedom for the greater mass of us here in the middle, but we don't really matter. In the great battle between a fake-intellectuals personal opinions and the Word of God (which must be true because someone took the trouble to write them all down, you see), we normal folks don't count for shit.


b. They support Israel, since the very existence of the Jewish State is a prime requisite for the Coming of the End of Days. Therefore, the American government must be full of people who either believe in the same prophecy, or at least, support the right of Israel to exist. This is the ultimate goal of every red-blooded Evangelical in America: to help bring the Rapture about, and then to survive it. From what I gather, some say that you get to survive the Rapture (be taken into Heaven) on a system of brownie points, and "helping" God to bring Her prophecy to pass is somehow worth something in that regard.

Of course, mankind thinking it can "help" God, or force Her hand into launching the Day of Judgement before She's ready, is both stupid and arrogant...then again, so is believing in an invisible spirit in the sky that used to talk to people, but who now somehow needs classic Redneck Caricatures who beg for money to be Her spokespeople. I'm sure the Israelis are absolutely thrilled to know that the support of American Conservatives stems largely from a prophecy in which the Jews will ultimately be destroyed for being Apostates. Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me, too.

c. They want the gays dead, and if they can't have that, they'll at least settle for seeing them begging for salvation and forgiveness from the Terrible Retribution of the Lord Our God; you know, the one who loves everyone and has an infinite capacity for mercy and justice? The one who is supposed to be everywhere and all-knowing, but must have been off having a crap when Eve was being tempted by a snake, or making a sandwich when Cain killed Abel, and maybe answering the doorbell when Lot's daughters were raping their Dad, and demanding that Abraham kill his own son...just to test him.

Anyhow, the very existence of homosexuals drives these people batshit insane. Mostly because a good many of them are in the closet themselves, or feel some sort of ambivalence about their own private parts, or even anxieties about sex -- after all, they've been trained to regard their genitalia as the source of all evil in the world. That's when they haven't "Found Jesus" because it was cheaper than psychiatrists, and demanded less effort than a 12-step program. People who go this full-bore religiously are probably insane to begin with (see; Taliban, Jim Jones). Most of the Born-Agains/Evangelicals I know were absolutely terrible people (criminals, drug addicts, basket cases) before someone persuaded them that praying to something that doesn't exist was the cure for all that ails them.

It's hard to take people who take that kind of thinking seriously, seriously.

If the fight over who is the republican nominee in 2012 devolves into this sort of fratricidal infighting over who's "more Conservative" (i.e. who is a bigger church-going douchebag), then we're sunk. The great thing about the Tea Parties in 2010 was that, unlike past generations of Conservative Activism, they weren't dominated by assholes entitled "Reverend". The Tea Parties respected people of faith, but their agenda is firmly rooted in the Here-and-Now instead of the Hereafter. Concern over High Taxes, Government spending, Micro-management of our lives, the abuses of power by the powerful, those were the themes of the Tea Party...not the Ten Commandments, Prayer in School, or Abortion.

And they swept 65 republicans into the House, and seven into the Senate, not to mention taking Statehouses and Governorships all over the country, with a REAL CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, and nary a hint of Evangelical Orthodoxy to be seen or heard.


That's what really at issue here in these battles between different sects of conservatism. The greatest fear of the God, Guns and Gays coalition is that a Conservatism based on Logic, based upon what Is Possible Within the Scope of Government, will marginalize them. They fear being made irrelevant to the process, which right now, they dominate; you can't get elected Dog Catcher on the GOP ticket in some places without a pilgrimage to Bob Jones University, let alone win a national primary. We're about to see if the Great Middle, having successfully pushed back against the Far Left, can now push back against the Far (-out) Right.

This little teapot tempest is just the first shot fired in that battle. Christie just happens to be the first target.

It's All Rahm's Fault...

Richard Wolffe in the Daily Beast writes that the general consensus now is that democrats (small 'd' intentional) got their asses kicked because of...Rahm Emanuel.

I can almost promise you that White House aides are already lining up to publish their"tell-all" books. On January 20, 2013, not thirty seconds after the Obamatard is shown the door, the "True Story of the Obama Administration, by an Insider" books will start to hit the shelves.

And they'll all say the same things: Obama was an arrogant, stupid, stubborn, bigoted, jerk in love with the sound of his own voice, Michelle was a fur-breasted, imperial, hellion who harassed and terrorized the White House Staff. Bo the Dog shit in every corner of the White House, and dug up the remains of Jimmy Hoffa on the South Lawn.

The "heroes" in these books will be the Rahm Emanuels, the "old hand" Washingtonian set that tried mightily to advise President Odingbat not to pursue this or that policy, who tried to "restrain" the President so as to stave off mid-term electoral defeat, but he just wouldn't listen to them. These books always follow the same format; Obama failed because he didn't listen to us elitist jerks who half the time kissed his ass -- his willing slaves and hitmen -- and who treated his every utterance as if it were the Word of God, itself.

The truth will be closer to something along the lines that they worshiped the stupid bastard, and could not refuse his will, regardless of how retarded or dangerous the policy might have been. Those "insider" types are less noble public servants and more professional sycophants, and they probably often adopted the very same arrogance and stupidity in their dealings with underlings that they'll accuse the Obamas of.

Rahm Emanuel was once considered a fucking genius; now he's a traitor to the cause of the democratic party, and Obama the fallen icon. Go figure.

Democrats take heed; this is, in part, why you lost. You're wedded to the Cult of Personality, and unfortunately for this country, the Personalities you adore are often complete fucktards. Obama was swept into office on a wave of mixed adoration and desperation, and then he failed to correctly divine just what the nation's priorities should have been. Instead of tackling problems in a logical fashion -- one at a time, and with some set of priorities -- and crafting policies to handle them, he went off on a scattershot program of broad-brush-platitude non-priorities, with the details left to be worked out largely by Congress.

Rahm Emanuel is a petty douche, with a nasty streak five-miles wide. He's not a genius, he's a self-centered, overbearing bully, an apparatchik with aloud voice and a fearsome demeanor that probably hides the fact that he has a very small penis, and that he's still mad at his parents for forcing him to take ballet lessons. Washington is just chock full of pussies who are susceptible to being strong-armed by a personality like that. But, before you blame Rahm for abandoning ship, and pinning the approbation for everything that went wrong on him, consider this:

When people needed jobs, we got ObamaCare. Passed by Congress by unconstitutional means, with open bribery of Congresscritters and Senators (The Louisiana Purchase, The Cornhusker Kickback), basically in front of television cameras.

When people needed a sense that someone who understood their problems was in charge, we got Cash-for-Clunkers, and a steady diet of boilerplate libtard Class Warfare.

When the people needed a sense that the future was going to be better than today, and someone to provide that sense of optimism, we got Michelle's Healthy Eating bullshit.

We got a President who spent 15 months flogging an unnecessary Health care nationalization plan disguised as "reform" --- and then 6 months on Vacation.

When the country needed policies that would revitalize the economic base, we got cash giveaways to mortgage defaulters, temporary tax credits to buy houses that would soon go into default, a lot of talk about wind and solar power, and GM shareholders ripped off so as to reward the unions that helped bankrupt GM in the first place.

We got a situation in which the government decided when bankruptcy law applied, and when it didn't. When immigration law applied, and when it didn't.

We got a nearly-$800-billion stimulus program that stimulated nothing, and which only served to remove that money from the credit markets where it might have done more real economic good; there were no "shovel-ready" projects, there were no "jobs saved or created", there was no "transparency" about where the money went and who got it. In fact, there was no transparency to anything the Government did at all, despite promises there would be.

We got a President who regards terrorism as a law-enforcement problem. We got a President who can't tell the difference between the Good Guys and the Bad Guys in the world, preferring to think of everyone as sometimes-Good and sometimes-Bad, and all gray area the rest of the time. He doesn't fight terrorists; he reads them their rights and gives them trials in civilian courts. He bows to foreign potentates. His State Department sends birthday greetings to one of the world's biggest lunatics, who is obsessed with constructing a nuclear weapon with which to destroy the West. He regards Israel in the same way most would regard an enema, and then he tries to negotiate surrender to the Taliban.

We got a President who received the Nobel Prize...for being black.

We got a President who did nothing -- except sue BP, and go on vacation -- in the face of a major ecological and industrial disaster.

We have the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee (Rangel) accused of tax evasion. A Sitting Senator from Massachusetts (Kerry) accused of evading taxes on his luxury yacht. A Secretary of the Treasury (Geithner) accused of Tax Evasion. A Secretary of Labor (Solis) accused of Tax Evasion. A Sitting senator from Connecticut accused of using his influence to obtain a criminally-suspect mortgage on his Irish mansion/cottage (Dodd). We have the Chairman of the House Banking Committee (Frank) accused of blocking an investigation into the financial practises of Freddie and Fannie because he may have been sleeping with their executives. There was an (alleged) lunatic gay serial sexual harasser (Massa) running around the Halls of Congress, and the Glenn Beck show, trying to explain the inexplicable, and defend the indefensible...and incomprehensible...about his alleged misdeeds. This was your democratic majority.

President Obama, who now cries for co-operation and bi-partisanship dragged the republican Congressional delegation into a room for a"discussion" of Health Care reform, deliberately dictating and bullying the minority party on television, arrogantly asserting such was his right because "I Won". This man insists that he's open to "all ideas" from the opposition party --and then doesn't listen to any. He leaves the task of governing the United States to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid -- two people perhaps even dumber than he -- because to take an active hand in governing just might interfere with his golf game, and pick-up basketball.

He sends the Secretary of State to Moscow with a misspelled "gag gift". The President cries that the"Old Alliances" lay in tatters, and then he sends the British Prime Minister home with cheap Wal-Mart gifts, returns a bust of Churchill, and presents the Queen with a gift of his speeches on an iPod. He tells the French President to basically go fuck himself. He makes the Prime Minister of Israel cool his heels in the White Hosue waiting room for the better part of a day -- and the refuses to meet with him. He embraces Hamid Karzai as an "ally", and then publicly hangs him out to dry in the Afghan elections. The President publicly abhors the drug-fueled, violent chaos in Mexico that is spilling over the borders of the United States, and then sues the state of Arizona for presuming to enforce federal immigration law.

The President's mantra for the last few months leading up to his election night spanking has been that we're angry, impatient, racist, stupid, mislead and misinformed. That the American people haven't grasped the benefits of his enlightened rule because Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Fox News have muddied the waters. He insists that his troubles aren't because his policies suck, but because he hasn't effectively sold them to us. If only he had another half-dozen teleprompters, he believes, he could have talked turds into gold bricks.

I'm certain I'm missing at least two dozen other examples of Obama's ineptitude, stupidity, stubbornness, petulance and lack of interest in his job. It's almost as if, having achieved an historical milestone (being the first (half-) black man elected President of the United States), the job would then do itself. That the details were unimportant. That the only thing that counted was that America was reordered in such a way as to suit the personal tastes of the Regal and August Obama -- Michelle Obama, that is, I hope she's proud of her country now -- the legalities and nicities and customs of the Realm be damned.

And Rahm Emanuel is at fault?

What are these people smoking?

It's Not MY Fault You're All Assholes...

Despite evidence to the contrary, President Obama continues to insist that he's smarter than everyone else in America, and cosmically right in a way we mere mortals simply cannot fathom.

If anyone believes there's "compromise" coming to Washington, they should think again. If I hear another flapping rectum insist that now is the time for Republicans to be "bi-partisan", I will grab my shotgun. If I hear one more time about how "intellectual" the Resident-in-Chief is, I'll simply go on a murder spree.

Because none of that is operative. None of it is apparent.

Republicans don't need to compromise; they need to force crap down vulnerable democrat's throats.

Bi-partisanship is pipe dream when dealing with committed mental patients who still believe that Socialism works, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Barack Obama is an "intellectual" in the same way that Snooki is the arbiter of good taste, and a singular example of high moral virtue.

There will be no compromise from Obama. His "I Fucked Up" speech last Tuesday made that perfectly clear; the beatings will continue until morale improves. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with ObamaCare, you know -- maybe we could do with a few tweaks, but...
Electric cars are still the future, you know, and we can't let the Chinese and Japs beat us to 'em! I didn't make a bad economic situation worse, I simply inherited an emergency that I felt should have given me the power to do whatever the fuck I wanted to, regardless of it's legality, constitutionality or efficacy. You mouth-breathing asswipes simply didn't wait long enough for the skies to part, and the Manna to rain down from the Heavens like I promised you. Trust me: you'll thank me for it all later on, Peasants!

This guy is a blithering idiot.Worse, he's a blithering idiot blinded by his own discredited ideology. America is in a mess not because of anything he's done; it's everyone else's fault...still. George W, Bush left him an economy in tatters. There's more private sector jobs than ever in America. The American people are just racist, bigoted, stupid, impatient, and after 15 months of constant speechifying, just too dense to understand the absolute boon of ObamaCare.

Don't expect an "I'm sorry..." from this guy. Ever. Don't ever expect him to be intellectually honest and to admit to his own mistakes, or even to learn from them. Barack Obama doesn't make mistakes; the rest of us are just too dumb to understand him and his divine intent.

I heard Tim Pawlenty describe Obama perfectly this morning:

"Silver tongue, tin ear..."

You could probably add "bulletproof stupid" to that formulation, too.

India on $200 Million A Day...

The White House says that "rumors" about the cost of the Obamatard's upcoming excursion to India are simply not true. Apparently, no one told the Indian press to stay On Message. They're providing details by the bushel that make that claim laughable.

President Marriot-Suites is at it again. Another trip to a far-off land with a price tag that might make a Saudi Prince think twice about hitting his credit limit.

An entourage of 3,000? Is it really necessary, in these days of world-wide telecommunications, for a President to take a trip...anywhere?

Didn't Obama learn anything from the furor over Michelle's trip to Spain?

Didn't Obama learn from Tuesday Congressional drubbing that one of the main sources of discontent in this country comes from extravagant government spending that serves no useful purpose?

Didn't Obama just say in yesterday's "I fucked up" speech that he'd learned exactly this lesson?

What the fuck is he going to India for, exactly?

The article, incidentally, very quickly drops the main point -- the exorbitant cost of a trip no one can, or will explain -- and takes aim at Michelle Bachmann, instead. Even in India, the press is Obama's whore, isn't it? Then, as if to underscore the point that has just been pooh-poohed -- that Obama's trip just might be an expensive boondoggle -- the very same website posts this little gem:

34 Warships to Accompany Obama on India Trip

Warships, I hear, are mighty expensive to operate. Especially when you send them halfway across the planet.

And just in case you were still laboring under the misapprehension that Obama was truly humbled by the accusations that he's an Imperial, tone-deaf narcissist, try this one on for size:

Coconuts and Monkeys to Be Removed in Anticipation of Obama Visit

You just know that some idiot in the White House decided that it would be a very bad idea to give the Ignorant-Bitter-Clingers-With-Photoshop-Skills any opportunity to create a picture of a (half-) Black Man juxtaposed against coconuts and monkeys. It not only "demeans" the office of the President, but would reinforce so many negative stereotypes,wouldn't it?

I wonder how much that is going to cost?

800 hotel rooms. Air Force One. An Aircraft Carrier. Helicopters. Limousines. 3,000 sycophants in tow, the streets cleared of dangerous coconuts, and primates. Is this a Presidential Visit or a Roman Triumph? No, Obama didn't learn anything from Tuesday night. If he had, he would cancel this thing immediately. Anyone who thought he might have learned a valuable lesson should now hang their heads in shame for having been so blindly ignorant, and damned gullible, and if they had any sense at all, they'd lock themselves in a closet and starve themselves to death.

I'm beginning to think that $200 million-a-day will quickly become a conservative estimate of the money that is being wasted.

If all that wasn't a prime example of Obama's Tin Ear narcissistic stupidity, it seems that the people of Mumbai don't even want him there...and he hasn't gotten their message, either.

2012 cannot come quickly enough!

With Luck, We Won't Be Seeing THIS Anymore...

Mercy, Please!

Watching Obama's speech. First thing that struck me was that for the first time in two years, SOMETHING wasn't George W. Bush's fault. Obama came out and said those words which must have hurt more than a double root canal without anesthetic, executed via the rectum:

"I take responsibility..."

The rest of the Speech makes it perfectly clear that he still believes that we're all clueless dolts who were just too darned impatient for our good, and then followed up with a rambling diatribe about"Energy Policy", never once mentioning the words "Drill". Whatever else might happen, Obama is not going to give up on Cap and Trade. Someone still hasn't learned their lesson, methinks.

The rest of the speech went something like this:

"Blah, blah, blah...blah,blabbity-bloobity, blah blah, blah..."

Even the customary Washington Press Corps Q&A was boring, and indicative that no one who should knows just what the fuck happened to Obama last night. Including him.

All I could hear during this hour-plus gabfest was that Obama still doesn't get it, and that he's probably set to dig his heels in deeper. Get your popcorn ready; this one's gonna be good.

Election 2010: Some Thoughts...

I still have to think some more about the implications of the"historic" Republican "victory" in yesterday's mid-term elections, so I'm going to put down some general observations right now, and then come back to the subject later this afternoon (after I watch Obama's Plea for Mercy speech this afternoon).

The Good:
* Alan Grayson, a thoroughly despicable waste of gametes, lost his Congressional seat in Florida. If there was anything that stood out from yesterday's results as the both the Best Thing That Could Happen and the Least Surprising Thing That Could Happen, this was it. This was perhaps the craziest fucker in the House of Representatives, and his loss represents about a 90% return to sanity in government. Good luck in your new job, Mr. Grayson, just remember the proper phrase is "would you like fries with that, Sir?". And smile when you say it.

* In my local election, Michael Grimm beat that malevolent leprechaun, Mike McMahon, and four other Republicans from New York are headed to Congress, allowing the NY Congressional delegation to at least be able to boast "We suck far less than we did yesterday...", Charles Schumer will not become Senate Majority Leader (since Dingy Harry survived), and I would dearly love to have been a fly on the wall when Schumer -- always one to count chickens before they hatch -- had to call off the mega-Press Conference and Fireworks Show that he'd scheduled to announce that he'd be vying for that position.

* Russ Feingold, the other half of the Greatest Assault on Free Speech in American History (Campaign Finance Reform) is now gone. Good riddance, and it was long overdue. Unfortunately, your partner in crime, John McCain, is still with us, which can only mean that the choice in Arizona must have been along the lines of "Would you rather: a) Fuck your mother, or b) Blow Your Father?" in that Senatorial contest.

The Bad:
* Harry Reid survived? How the hell did this happen? Either the people of Nevada are that fucking stupid, or Sharon Angle was the worst possible candidate. I'll have to think about that one.

* Christine O'Donnell loses. This is bad because we need some more hot chicks in Congress. If that election in Delaware taught you anything it is this: even in a day-and-age when people are unemployed, the national debt spirals out of control, the country is engaged in two wars, the Federal Government has nationalized the banks, heavy industry, insurance companies and is on the precipice of nationalizing our health care, you can STILL count on legions of people being stupid enough to be swayed by accusations that your opponent dabbles in Witchcraft. Things have not changed much since 17th Century New England, have they? I wonder; if someone took a test, would Delaware still be the dumbest -- and most irrelevant --state in the union?

* John Boehner crying. That is an image that I cannot scrub off my mind with a Brillo pad.

On MSNBC's Election Coverage (I flipped between Fox and (P)MSNBC all night):

* Keith Olbermann added a new dimension to his on-air persona; Keefy usually has a puss screwed on that is reminiscent of a man who is sitting upon his vibrator while having gallons of lemon juice poured into an open wound. Last night, he added a new face: he looked like he wanted to spit, but didn't because we all know he swallows. Keith took every opportunity to deviate from the fake "Objective Newsman" routine to scatter what passes for commentary on MSNBC with unflattering references to everyone he apparently doesn't like. Especially Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle. He was an ungracious douche, but what else could we expect from someone who probably still sleeps with his own parents, and likes having small rodents jammed in his bum?

* Rachel Maddow is a (insert word that rhymes with "hunt", and which will get you slapped in polite company). I realize that Rachel's job is to represent the "Butch Pseudo-Intellectual Lesbian" point of view on all things political, but I do recall a time when one could -- if they stretched the meaning of the word generously -- consider her to have been "fair".

* Chris Matthews had the look of a man who had just been buggered by a rabid, three-dicked grizzly bear (or maybe it was just a Momma Grizzly with a strap-on?) without lube, and no complimentary reach-around.

* Eugene Robinson is obviously disappointed that the program of Reparations by Another Name started by Resident Barack Obama now seems set to to come to an end, and that he'll have to Resort to Plan B in order to explain this defeat. Expect Gene to start cranking out columns and whining on MSNBC that Obama's failures are all the result of a vast conspiracy in which White Conservatives somehow managed to get a (half-)black man elected for the purposes of ensuring that no other black man, ever, gets elected President of the United States again. Should have asked for cash up front, Gene, instead of taking Obama's I.O.U.

* Ed Schultz is still the biggest, dumbest, most insufferable asshole on cable television,and he's even worse when his Red Comrades go down in fiery defeat. Somewhere, I'm hoping there's a guy with an elephant gun and tranquilizer darts, ready to do the country an enormous service and hunt Ed down, so that he may be returned to the Special-Needs Rhino Preserve from whence he came.

Miscellaneous:
* The notion that "Republicans must now show that they can govern" was floated about 73 times amongst the talking heads. First of all, the Republicans won the House of Representatives; democrats still control the Senate and the Presidency. The question is not "Can Republicans Govern?", but more "Why Haven't Democrats?", as they still hold 2/3 of the visible aspects of government. Had they not been pre-occupied by turning the United States into Greece -- only with turtle tunnels -- they might have actually accomplished something worth bragging about.

* On the notion that Republicans must now "reach across the isle in a spirit of non-partisanship". First of all, when a republican asks for "non-partisan"anything, he's basically asking "Hey, would you sign onto this crap so that when it fails I have some political cover?", and when a democrat calls for "Non-partisanship" it either means "I still get what I want, I just won't demonize you in public as badly as I would have", or it's a cry for mercy. Stuff "bi-partisanship" because it's the most misused word in American politics. The American People yesterday said "No" to taxes, "No" to nationalized healthcare, "No" to big government, "No" to policies that will strangle economic growth, "no" to bills that Congress can't be bothered to read before forcing them through in an unconstitutional fashion in the dead of night.

I rather doubt the democrats are in any mood to co-operate with anyone on dismantling or reversing anything they believe they've accomplished in the last two years. It's all they have to hang their hats on for 2012, after all. The only "bi-partisan" anything you'll get is where republicans in the House and Senate are able to force their democratic counterparts to swallow the bitter dregs of defeat in order to stave off defeat in 2012, and beyond. Only vulnerable democrats will play along, and when the numbers of those start to dwindle (never underestimate the power of a republican Congress to shoot itself in the foot) as we near 2012, expect to see the partisan bickering return with an even-greater fury.

* On the Notion That Obama's Speech today will Prove Once-and-For-All Whether he's a Pragmatist or an Ideologue: Were you not paying attention these last two years? Were you living under a rock? Atop a Himalayan peak where electricity and cable aren't available? Obama is an ideologue, and anything he has to say today will be simply be a regurgitation of his usual passive-aggressive ideological style ("While I look forward to working with Speaker Boehner, I will not abandon the Values and Principles that we have fought so hard to promote..."). I expect Obama will run through two teleprompters during this speech....and still say nothing.

* The most intriguing aspect of this election: Almost every candidate that Obama personally campaigned for lost. This comes a week after Al'Qaeda tried their little mail-bomb stunt. Let's see if Usama Bin Hidin' takes this clear indication of Obama's political weakness to cook something up, especially with Odouchebag scheduled to be out of the country this week (the one place where he can do the least amount of continuing damage). If I were Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton this week, I'd make sure that wherever it is that the Secret Service hides me, that refuge has plenty of reinforced concrete and is heavily-guarded.

Today Is Election Day...

I see today's voting as more of an exercise in survival than I do as exercising my "Right to Be Heard". I would blog a lot of stuff about today's events, but frankly, I'm bored with it. if it wasn't for the fact that I want to work, that I don't want to be passed over for a transplant operation in favor of an illegal immigrant pre-op transsexual with no insurance, and am sick and tired of seeing Barack Obama on television, I don't think I could muster the ambition to leave my chair today.

It's not so much about "Transforming America" anymore as much as it is restoring some semblance of sanity to an insane situation. I don't expect the republicans (small 'r' intentional) to be any different from the democrats (small 'd' intentional), except that their policies will probably put more cash in my pocket with which to live a little more comfortably while our society circles the bowl.

Because, let's face it, republicans may be 'chastened' after losing Congress in 2006, and after running the worst bunch of mental deficients in 2008, but I have every confidence that after a decent period of being seen as "conservative" (and NOT in the Bible-thumping-flannel-shirt-wearing-tobacco-chewing-cousin-banging sense with which that word has become associated), they will do what human nature dictates they must, revert to form, and quickly re-establish the political spoils system they use to enrich themselves.

I will go to the booth and pull the lever for every 'R' on the ballot, if only because the alternative is worse. I'd rather have AIDS, Ebola, and Scrofula simultaneously than to live yet one more day under the Pelosi-Reid-President Marriot-Suites regime. It was only the most extreme sense of desperation which caused 52% of the brain-dead doofuses in this country to produce that Triumvirate of Trash in the first place, and it will now be a deeper sense of desperation that causes a seismic shift in the opposite direction today; the fundamental problems which underlay American society and politics will not be solved with a republican "sweep" today.

That "Change You Can Believe In" will merely get a start with a republican victory; until the illegal immigrants are shipped back in chains, the Muslims are utterly defeated, the Poor-with-Cable-TV-and-Cellphones are separated from the government teat, and American business is prevented from making outrageous profits at the expense of it's fellow citizens, no REAL change will come about.

That sort of change doesn't happen with a single election. That sort of change comes about when citizens are made aware of the consequences that come with NOT making sure it's 'political leadership' does the right thing.

Change does, indeed, come to America today, but it entails more than just kicking one party out in favor of another. In most cases, swapping democrats for republicans is sort of like making a choice between passing a bowling ball or opening an umbrella up your ass; neither is particularly attractive, but there isn't another choice available. The REAL change today should be a renewed spirit of civic awareness, a sense that We The People are really in charge, and that we have to be much more vigilant than we have been in the past, and that now, we expect results instead of rhetoric.

Anyways, I'm off to vote. I will be back later, to say a few words about Chris Matthew's expected apoplexy and the hernia Keith Olbermann will get in trying to spin the expected democratic bloodbath away...

The End of Camelot?

The Last Kennedy may lose.

Dare we hope? Dare we dream? I might consider praying it if could make it so.

The "Kennedy mystique" has long outlived it's usefulness, and has done little more than to ensure that successive generations of slimy little retards with big teeth and a predilection for substance abuse and adultery had jobs bought for them that they were eminently unqualified for. If it wasn't for the fact that JFK was an icon to millions of brain-dead, drug-taking, hippies (in much the same way that FDR became an icon to their parents, an apparent savior who's only real talents were for telling people what they wanted to hear) the legend of John Fitzgerald Kennedy would have died in that limo in Dallas with him.

Here's the (very short) list of JFK's "accomplishments":

* Had several books written for him, which he simply signed his name to.
* Getting his PT Boat cut in half by a Japanese destroyer.
* Using his would-be Nazi-collaborator Daddy's Prohibition-fueled fortune to buy himself a career in politics.
* Marrying a smokin' hawt babe.
* Bringing the world the brink of nuclear annihilation.
* Chickening out at the Bay of Pigs.
* Vietnam
* Getting shot in the head.

JFK, all things considered, was a 1960's version of John McCain...only with charm and a ventilated braincase.

Why he is considered one of the best American Presidents is beyond me. Spare me the crap about his "commitment" to Civil Rights: that was all about avoiding a repeat of the 1960 election where he only managed to beat Nixon by the skin of his teeth. Kennedy needed more votes for the next go-around, and there simply weren't enough White people's votes to buy, or dead Chicagoans, to guarantee victory in '64.

What came after JFK and RFK were simply the dregs of the Kennedy DNA line, and they have polluted the halls of power for far too long. Eventually, the aura attached to a dead Uncle wears off, and people grow up. Or at least their priorities change; the Aging Hippies who creamed for Kennedy are no longer interested in lip-service to equality, Civil Rights, and a dreamy rhetoric about a loftily-idealistic-yet-infantile Utopia; they want free goddamned Viagra and someone to bear the cost of their fast-approaching retirement, now that the home they bought as a retirement vehicle is now basically worthless, and their stock portfolios have been wiped out by their own generation's economic stupidity. They no longer have the time or patience for sentimentality.

The Attachment to All Things Kennedy, under these circumstances, must surely fade, and with it, the stranglehold on both power and stupidity that has rested in the hands of a single (probably-inbred) family for far too long must surely loosen.

If only this would become a Nationwide Phenomenon, and we could do away with all the other political dynasties in America; Coumos, Bushes, Clintons, and so forth. How much better, how much fresher, how much more effective our political system would be (and I mean that in the hope that it would be more responsive, and responsible, to we the citizens who don't belong to the country club set) when it was no longer just "the family business".

Nancy Pelosi's Daily Routine...

Oh, I'm sorry -- I meant Adolph Hitler's daily routine. I can't figure out how it is that I keep confusing the two...

As an interesting way to amuse yourself, as you read that article replace "Hitler" with "Pelosi" and "Nazi" with "democrat" (small 'd' intentional), and have yourself a laugh.

Right up until you begin to realize that you actually can imagine Nancy Pelosi and democrats operating in exactly that fashion...

Mike McMahon is a Big, Fat Douchebag...

Most democrats are. You would think that a man who owes his position to the good fortune of having had a predecessor who was an even bigger scumbag might make someone careful about what he does in public. After all, had Vito Fossella not been a drunk-driving adulterer with a love child, and worse, a persistent Republican at a time when that was only slightly more popular than dysentery, Mike McMahon would still be posing for his portrait on the Lucky Charms box.

But no. Displaying taste and class, especially during an election which one might lose, is something for other people to worry about. In the Great War to Keep The Phony-Baloney Job That You're Not Qualified To Do, all is fair game.

So why not make certain that your opponent's ex-wife is sitting in the front row for a debate?

Most people wouldn't be this petty and childish. Democrats, however, dance to a different tune. Usually, that tune involves complaining about the crass tastelessness and cluelessness of your republican opponent, while ignoring your own tasteless, clueless and asinine behavior.

Yet another reason to vote your local libtard out of office next week.

I guess nothing is out-of-bounds when it comes to keeping a Congressional seat that you didn't really earn, isn't it, Mikey? I would say that McMahon should be ashamed of himself, but he is incapable of shame. Expect some other douchebag libtard to try this stunt, or a variation upon the theme (maybe some Republican in the closet can expect his gay lovers to get the seats of honor at the next debate? My, but I wonder how many libtard pieties that sort of thing would violate?) between now and next Tuesday.

Disgusting. These people have no scruples, whatsoever.

This Just In: Democrats Hate Everyone...

This came up the other day, but I've had little time to post in the past two weeks. It is a must read!

They Hate Our Guts by P.J. O' Rourke.

Read it before you go and kick your local Democrap out of office next Tuesday.

Thomas Friedman: Peckerhead...

The New York Times pays this douche a lot, for writing with the insight --and vocabulary --of a fourth grader, and for pretending to be smarter than you average Irish Setter...and not me?

Tea Parties Are More like "Tea Kettle" Parties.

Friedman makes two mistakes here; the first is that he's writing about something he so obviously knows nothing about. The second is to believe that anyone who isn't already a retard takes him seriously.

I'm sure the premise behind your "opinion piece" was received with a great deal of giggling from your panty-bunched-stick-up-their-asses-libtard-metrosexual-asshole-butt-buddies at the Times water cooler, Tom, but you shouldn't have taken that as a tacit encouragement to write something this incredibly vapid. You should know by now that when the nancy-boys at the Times snicker so, it isn't because they've found your little diatribe oh-so-clever; it's because they've just wet themselves. They like the feeling of wet shorts against their skin, and they also derive a sick pleasure from their own urine...

So do you -- don't deny it.

Unfortunately, one has to reach the very, very end of Mr. Friedman's Tour-de-Force of ignorance to reach the only sentence which makes sense, or which allows the reader to momentarily feel as if the effort required to get through Friedman's nonsense wasn't a total waste of time;

"Maureen Dowd is off Today".

We Dodged A Bullet....

John Kerry is a waste of DNA.

The American Public is too stupid to understand the issues that confront them, says Kerry.

Say what you will about the American People, Senator: they were at least smart enough to keep you and your Two-timing Poodle Boy from the White House. I guess you're still bitter about that, or maybe it's just that Ter-ay-zuh hasn't stopped hounding you to get back all her inherited millions that you squandered in the attempt.

It must be difficult living with a wealthy drunk who is capable of kicking your ass, and who probably reminds you of your failings and shortcomings as a man on a daily basis.

But really, must you take your sense of frustration, the knowledge your personal inadequacies, the sting of your failures, out on us? We're not to blame: in the great choice between Giant Douche and Turd sandwich, we opted for Turd Sandwich (he, at least, didn't insult our intelligence, or try to dodge taxes on his foreign-built luxury yacht) , and frankly, some of us would dearly love for him make a triumphal return, given the current state of affairs and personalities.

Get over it, already: you lost to a man your party insists was a mouth-breathing doofus, and in retrospect, he looks more and more like a gold-plated Pericles in comparison to you and your lot with every passing day.

As an aside, I would like to encourage the Press in this country to stop talking to John Kerry, about anything. He's about as interesting as a piece of dry toast, and just slightly less-useful than mammary glands on a bull. He never has anything worthy of note to say, and his sort of condescending, old-New England money patronizing gives most people the piles.

That Didn't Take Very Long, Did It?

In response to this post, I got the usual diatribe about the difference between "REAL Conservatives" and RINOs ("Republican-in-name-only"). The writer, who was such a cowardly little bastard that he/she responded Anonymously (they all do, you know), made reference to my oft-repeated opinion that, for some, "conservatism" means only holding to a very narrow interpretation of Scripture-approved axioms, particularly when it comes to the topic of homosexuals.

I needed to be taken to the woodshed and educated on just why this small-but-vocal wing of the republican party was right. They always are, you know (smell that? It was sarcasm).

"God Hates Fags" this brave Bible Warrior assures me, making certain that I got the message by conveying it in bold italics with seven exclamation points, and two useless verses of Scripture to back it up (one predictable mental defect in these people is that they can always be counted upon to quote a verse which is often totally divorced from the topic at hand, and presented to you as unshakable truth. It's almost as if by reciting the Good Book word-for-word, in any context, the argument is supposed to be over, and they've won it, you fucking Heathen!).

God doesn't "Hate Fags" if only because:

a. God doesn't exist.

b. If She did exist, then you would have to admit that she created Fags, and in Her image, too. She also created people who can decide that blowing up supermarkets and turning passenger planes into WMD's is legitimate political discourse. She's created headhunters, child molesters, robber barons and Nazis, too. The idea that God is a benevolent force that can do no wrong and is possessed of an infinite ability to love is belied by the fact that She also created Ebola, Cancer, Malaria, and bears some moral responsibility for the "Jersey Shore". God as the ultimate force for good and justice in the universe is a human invention. An omnipotent and omniscient God devoted to the cause of good would not have produced the world we live in, with war, the more disgusting aspects of human nature, disease, natural disasters, and the often-contradictory and violent natures of our religion and politics.

And the idea that God gave Man free will to disobey Her by conscious action is one that has long outlived it's usefulness. Manipulating guilt is one of the tools used Communists and Socialists to come to power and excuse the worst of abuses, you know.

The God of the Old Testament (you know, the one that flooded the planet, destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, tormented Job, and tried to keep Adam and Eve from gaining wisdom?) bears no resemblance to the God of the New Testament. That Old God was all "Thou shall not" this and "I will smite thee" that, and the New-and-Improved version was all "turn the other cheek and love they neighbor". Either God mellowed, someone is laboring under some serious misunderstandings, or the whole thing is being made up as we go along, and fags are (one of many groups) suffering for it.

c. Someone has to enforce the unwritten "No White After Labor Day" rule.

Spare me, please.

There are no more "real conservatives", and the word -- much like it's counterpart "liberal" -- no longer means what it once did. In the past, a conservative was one who espoused Classically Liberal ideals about personal freedom and the role of government in securing innate human rights. Now the term has been hijacked to encompass a movement which is less dedicated to personal rights as much as it is to imposing it's own belief system upon others for it's own (mental) comfort.

These people are the "Base" of the modern Right, much like the libertines and welfare queens are the base of the Modern Left, and they're angry about Tea Parties and such. While they most certainly agree with the anti-Tax/Anti-corruption thrust of the Tea Party, they often can't square that with their requirement that everyone think and behave and believe as they do. Muslims claim that there will be no peace on the earth until the four corners of the world are under the thumb of the Caliphate, and so do the Christian FundaMENTALists; they just happen to think their version of the Caliphate is better. Both are aiming at the same goal (imposing their worldview on a great mass of people who don't agree with it),only by different means: the Islamofascists use violence, the Pantybunched Right uses electoral politics.

And when neither gets it's way, they throw a tantrum.

The Tea Parties and Anti-incumbent movements aren't about conservative and liberal, and certainly not about God; they are about what is Right and Legal, and what the proper relationship between citizen and government is. The second you inject God -- and what you arrogantly believe She thinks -- into the conversation, you've lost the battle because it's really all about we mortal men. This movement respects God, but doesn't look to Her for all it's answers, and that drives you absolutely batshit insane. You're afraid that any movement which does not kiss your ass, or play by your rules, is one that will ultimately displace or perhaps even destroy you.

So much so that you can write "God Hates Fags" and not notice the logical contradictions between that statement and the very religious beliefs you claim to espouse.