Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I Think I've Finished Screaming...
You know, it was almost seven years ago when I decided to start this little screed. It started out as a just a place to throw out random (often dangerous!) thoughts, or to complain about the bewildering state of Modern Life...well, maybe about my bewilderment with Modern Life. I think, in some ways, I did it because I wasn't sure anyone was listening to me, which mostly turned out to be correct. After all, who wants to read anything written by a raving maniac that doesn't involve a dismemberment, sodomy or mass murder, complete with all the gory details, right?
Anywho, I was mostly right; For years, no one actually did read this thing, apart from a few close friends. But I continued to write...for reasons I can't honestly remember now, but they were probably a result of Crazy. I think there was something inside this fat head of mine that was dying to get out, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what that was, and then after a while, it just became a habit. I wrote for another blog or two along the way (I had an incredibly short stint as a contributor at a website called StopDemocratsNow which popped up during the Bush-Kerry contest, and I used to post blog entries over at FreeRepublic under a pseudonym), but after that election was over, there didn't seem much point in continuing to contribute. Then, of course, I got kicked from FreeRepublic for having the audacity to refer to most of the people there as a Christian Taliban ... and standing up for Rudy Guiliani. Besides, I was beginning to slip into a deeper and darker depression, and I really couldn't be bothered to write anything, and when I did bother much of it wasn't making sense. Probably a combination of my lack of talent and all the meds.
Anyways, I think I was trying, in some fashion, to communicate the pain I felt in a roundabout manner so that it didn't involve a barfight and felony assault charges. It usually took the form of sarcasm and vitriol, and in retrospect, some of it is damned funny, but most of it is rather embarrassing now. I cringe when I read that older stuff. It's almost like one of those old charts that showed the "Evolution of Man", starting at monkey and morphing through stages into Jimmy Carter. Only mine was more like "The Evolution of Brain Damage".
Well, seven years later and I find that some people actually DO read this thing regularly, and even more surprising, many of them actually return -- I thank you for it -- but I'm not so sure I actually need them to anymore. I think I was looking for some form of validation; for someone to say, "Hey, that's a good opinion", or "Yeah, I agree with that, too", or even to just argue with me. I live for arguments. Fishing for validation, some sign that I might have actually counted to someone, somewhere.
I don't know if I really want to do this anymore. I'm not sure I really need to do it anymore. Things have changed here at the Asylum, and I'm not convinced that doing this is a productive use of time. After all, it's not as if I'm getting paid for this stuff, and I'm not as angry with the world as I once was. Not to mention my abysmal composition and editing skills. I mean, I could sit here for the next 2 years and pound Obama, and write "Islam sucks camel cock" 24/7, but there's no...juice...in it, anymore. I no longer feel the same sense of release that I once did, and I think that's a sign that I've probably begun to finally heal for good. There have been some false starts, but this time it just feels better.
I still hate Muslims and want them all dead, and I still think Liberals are all mentally-stunted and perpetual adolescents who only advocate what they do because they didn't get a rainbow pony for their 6th birthday, and suffered poor potty training. I just don't think I want to scream about it anymore. I'm not angry so much, just resigned to the fact that the planet is inhabited by retards and I'll just have to get used to the idea.
So, I'm taking a few days -- maybe the next week -- off from blogging. Just to see if I want to do this anymore. Maybe I'll find a new direction for this blog o' mine, but I have to think about it. Besides, I have some physical -- rather than mental --health issues to see to at present (I'm not dying, at least, but there's some things I need to do), and I think that with the realization that my anger is pretty much used up, that it's time to start making a true effort at putting the pieces back together. I've been fooling myself that the efforts I've made up to this point were actually "trying", but I was wrong -- I know now that my heart wasn't really in it.
So, you'll get a few more observations about how stupid people are from me this week (it's been an interesting week in people-watching, thus far) and then I'm off for a while.