Changes Coming Soon!

Apologies to all the inmates. I've been away for far too long.

However, Life sometimes conspires to keep us from the things we really wish to do, and I have fallen victim to this dictum (that fucking rhymed!). Between (paying) work, Tess' health problems, and general apathy, the Asylum has been left to languish in the Internet version of Limbo for a while.

But no more!

Coming soon: a new design, more insanity, more caustic bullshit from the fevered imagination of Your's Truly.

Fasten your seat belts; it's about to get all sorts of crazy up in here.

The Bureaucracy Strikes Back...

Sometimes, you just have to wonder what the fuck it is that we're getting for our tax dollars.

If you live in the State of New Yorkistan, I would say you're getting jack shit. And when I say this, I should clarify:

1. We are NOT getting a government that works smoothly and efficiently.

2. We ARE getting a government which is apparently run by rhesus monkeys who, on a good day, might be able to find their own asses with both hands and a flashlight..

The long, sordid, and all-too-sickening tale of this Lunatics battle with the mindless bureaucracy of the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles seemed to have the proverbial light at the end of that tunnel. But, alas!, the rhesus monkeys have found a way to annoy me yet again.

If you haven't heard this story before, then I suggest that you read this, this, and this, and then you'll be up to speed with this entire tale of woe.

And then you'll probably want to either laugh or vomit. Probably both.

The Lunatic is Back!

A triumphant return, to be certain.

My apologies for being away for so long, but I have been extremely busy this past summer. There's been vacations, there's been career news, bureaucratic stupidity, thrills, spills and douchechills. I'll be telling you all about it all week.

In the meantime, you should probably check out this controversy that's been brewing behind the scenes for over a year now here at the Asylum, where people even crazier than me have been trying to convince me that they suffer from a made-up disease with a fancy name. It's pathetic, but interesting.

I'll be writing all day today, and hope to get something posted this afternoon/evening about all the stuff that happened this summer that I didn't get to comment on. Stay tuned!

Oh, and as always, we appreciate you coming to the Lunatic's Asylum for all of your deranged opinion needs!

The Great Beatles Blast Disaster...

I am in great physical pain as I write this. It has to do with the picture at left. Remember it well, for it will become important later on.

Before I get to the cause of this incredible agony, I must make it quite clear just how tough and resilient I normally am, just to give you some sort of idea as to just how bad the events of this evening had to have been in order to get me to complain about physical pain.

As an 8-year old, I  suffered with an inflamed, on-the-point-of-bursting appendix for a week, and barely whimpered.

As a teenager, I was involved in a fistfight that was so vicious that it resulted in a nose so bloodied that it actually soaked through my clothes to cake upon my skin, and a severe concussion from which I passed out....but only AFTER I had kicked the bejesus out of the other kid, breaking his arm in two places, and fracturing one of his ribs.

Stronger Than The Storm, Indeed!

Just returned from Atlantic City, NJ and a weekend of depraved debauchery at the gaming tables.

My thanks and appreciation goes out to the Staff of the Revel Hotel and Casino, who did everything that was humanly possible to make our stay (Tess and her late-husband's mother came with me) a true delight, even if you can't smoke in the room you've paid for.

Things I Wish I Could Say Out Loud, Part One...

Ah, how one longs for the good old days, when seemingly no subject was considered taboo, and one could voice one's opinion without having half the room you're in cringe and go "ewwww!'.

I was thinking of this not too long ago, after the death of actress Jean Stapleton was announced. For those of  you who were born into the permanently puckered rectum version of this world (that would be post-Clinton Administration), Ms. Stapleton gained lasting fame and American-icon status as Edith Bunker, the long-suffering, dingbat-but-possessed-of-a-simple-wisdom bride of one Archie Bunker on television's All in the Family.

For those of you who believe television history began and ended with the first episode of Survivor, All in the Family was a situation comedy that aired in the early 1970's and ran into the 1980's which was, to put it mildly, grossly politically incorrect by today's anal-retentive standards. Which means that no one could even think of making All in the Family in this day-and-age. Anyone who tried would be shot outside the television producer's office for even suggesting it.

Lunatic: 1, Bureaucracy: 0

Oh, happy day! It has finally happened! I have finally been able to prove to the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing,  unionized high school dropouts at the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles that I, your humble correspondent, do exist!

I have just received my brand, spankin' new New York State Photo identification card. The one I've been seeking like it was the Holy Fuckin' Grail for five years now. If you're not familiar with my trials and tribulations on this subject, you can read about them here and here.

I'll wait until you're up to speed....

I'm Back!

Apologies for the extended hiatus, but I have been working on two novels (and some other stuff) that I hope to self-publish very soon.

My first novel, The Deer in the Headlights, is a work of political fiction based upon contemporary events. It should frighten the fuck out of you, and I'm hoping this is it's main selling point. It's currently in editing, and a few review copies will soon be sent to friends and associates for feedback.

My second attempt at a novel (Tales of the Rubyrun: The Axeman) is still in production, and might appeal to fantasy/sci-fi readers. Won't be long now, I figure.

Thanks to everyone who continued to show up here in the hopes of finding some new tomfoolery and diseased commentary. The traffic was appreciated!

"Journalists" are Assholes...

The novel is coming along. If by 'coming along' I mean to say that writing it is like pulling teeth. I hadn't realized that it would have been this difficult to tell a story you've rehearsed inside your own head for nearly a decade, but apparently it is.

I was recently complaining about this to a journalist friend of mine (he writes for one of the New York dailies, but not one of the Big Three) who said something along the lines of "Now you know what we journalists have to contend with...".

Two things:

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Yeah, I know: you've missed me. But, I have been rather busy, so you'll just have to forgive me. Blogging will be very light in the near future, as I'm involved in writing the first draft of a novel. Still, you can slip in here every now and again, and see if there's anything going on the world that requires the diseased perspective of a moldy curmudgeon.

Who knows: you might get lucky.

The Metamorphosis, Part Two...

RE: My seemingly doomed quest to get myself a New York State-issued photo identification card.


I left this tale, oh gentle reader, in that most precarious of states; at a point where I had planned to pin my seemingly ever-fleeting hopes to the possibility that it would be possible to use the bureaucracy in order to fight the bureaucracy.

Here's what has transpired since.

This Past Weekend...

Here's some stuff you may have missed last weekend:

My weekly commentary is up on Diogenes' Middle Finger. Go read that blog, or I will be forced to hurt you.

New scientific research indicates that the appellation "Native American" may not be an accurate one. Apparently, there were people here in the Americas before Tonto and Montezuma, which I guess means that the entire Native American establishment of guilt and grievance can now be considered complete and utter bullshit.

Well, except for the smallpox bit...

I'm wondering if Elizabeth Warren, Ward Churchill, and the casino-owning Indian mafia will change their tune. I figure, no, because being obnoxious crybabies has worked for them so far, why quit over something like a little revision of history? I guess now we know why the Indian authorities were so quick to prevent study of Kennewick man, and to get his dead ass buried so quickly before anyone found out he was (maybe) white.

Now, if Kennewick Man's People were wiped out by the ancestors of the current Reservation-dwelling Indians, does this mean some asswipe lawyer could sue for reparations on Kennewick Man's behalf, and make a fucking killing? Just askin' if it's possible, finally, for one of these "aggrieved minority groups" we're saddled with to get their comeuppance.

Genius of the Month Award: Two Chicago douchebags kill a man, and would have probably gotten away with it, had they not been dumb enough to post a video of the murder on Facebook.  I'm waiting for some Unionized asshole or politician, because you know one will step forward with this argument,  to say that this case is a clear indication that Chicago's Public Schools are "underfunded'.

Personally, I think it's an indication that Chicago's goons are mollycoddled and the decent citizenry disarmed, but I'm not a libtard.

Mark Steyn writes about the convergence of Obamania and The Arab Spring in this delightful little ditty. Message: Youth is wasted on the stupid, and the Media is wasted, period.

An Apology...

I have been neglecting this blog recently, and haven't been quite as productive as I would like. For those of you who depend upon this mental graffiti for information, for a good laugh, for something to think about (and really? I'm the best you can do?), I apologize for being, well...lazy.

For Whom the Bell Tows...

It has finally gotten out of hand. The world as I knew it is now destined to spin off it's axis, and hurtle to it's destruction in a death spiral towards the Sun. We, as a species,  have finally reached the point of no return, the point at which one realizes that he has been correct in despairing for the future of Mankind all along.

I take no satisfaction in being correct on this point; it's too sad for that.

Reality television has, finally, gotten completely ridiculous. I may have to start shooting people.

The Big Feed...

I would like to draw your attention to a fascinating blog called The Big Feed.

Besides being visually stunning, it's also quite interesting, a wonderful read, and often as funny as a crippled Libtard. Which is quite funny, actually, if you've ever heard a crippled Libtard screaming in pain after he's fallen off his pansy-ass bicycle in a horrid explosion of granola and spandex.

Anyways, The Big Feed has been added to the blogroll, and the good folks over there have cross-linked with the Asylum, and we see this as the beginning of a mutually beneficial relationship.

So long as we don't have to sign a pre-nup.


Glad to have you aboard!

You people will read it; you people will enjoy it. If you don't, the Asylum Elves are readying their Stealth Enema Gear in preparation for a night HALO drop and a surprise commando raid on your ass. You've been warned.

This Past Week...

Right, it's been a light week here at the Asylum, as I have had other things to do and unfortunately could not spew caustic venom as much as you would like. But some nice things did happen this week, as well.

Pop on over the Insane Asylum, where my Brother From Another Mother, Mr. Chap, has been furiously scouring the internet for only the finest, choicest morsels of everyday insanity to poke fun at. While you're there, you can check out my latest on the bizarre circumstances behind a Klansman's political endorsement of a former Black Panther. You should also read everything else on offer, because Mr.Chap and Nena Grace have a handsome baby boy to keep in diapers and strained beets, and every pageview helps!

My last offering, about Obama and George Orwell is posted this very morn at Diogenes' Middle Finger. As always, I thank Diogenes Sarcastica for allowing me another platform from which to influence the youth of America. As to whether that's a healthy thing or not, I leave it to you to decide. Quite frankly, I'm personally afraid of what might happen if your youngins were left entirely to my care and wisdom. They might grow up to be chain smoking, salty-talking curmudgeons who would rather stick hatpins in their own eyes than vote democrat (small 'd' intentional).

And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Anyhow, you can follow us at Facebook now. I have a fan page...still under construction...but I have one. The thought of fans creeps me out, but this is what one is compelled to do in this age of social networking media, so there's nothing for it. You can also follow both the Insane Asylum and Diogenes' Middle Finger blogs at Facebook, and I suggest that you do, or I might be forced to sell those revealing pictures of you and the donkey to your local newspaper, and that would be a terrible way for you wife to find out you weren't at the convention in Wichita Falls, now, isn't it?

This Past Weekend...

In case you missed it all:

I have a new post up on the Insane Asylum, attempting to answer the...umm...burning....question: Is a yeast Infection REALLY a STD.

Over at Diogene's Middle Finger, my opus from this past week on Richard Nixon was reposted, with thanks to Diogenes Sarcastica.

Also, here's some interesting stuff you should read right fucking now:

There is a movement afoot in Sweden to make men sit down to take a piss. This is why Sweden is no longer a world power. And Barack Obama wants to make us more like Scandinavia? I think not!

The Incredible Mark Steyn on Obama's Stupidity, long-windedness, and stunning lack of achievement.


And another Obama Ally, this one an honest-to-God economist, calls Obama's Tenure "the Administration of Financial Confidence and Foodstamps". The rats always jump ship first.

For The Sake of My Fat Ass...

Okay, so it's been a week since I've gotten out of the hospital, and one of the things I seriously need to start doing is taking off some of this excess blubber I'm carrying around. Truth to tell, I was absolutely flabbergasted when I stepped on that scale in the ER and the little LED display read...well, those numbers.

See, this Lunatic needs to lose approximately *cough-cough* pounds, which is an awful lot. Believe me, you never knew *cough-cough* could be such a terrible number until someone or something has pointed out to you that *cough-cough* would be impressive....if you were a fucking walrus. Thank you, smart-ass nurse!

My Influence Grows...

Which might be a bad thing, all things considered.

Anyways, I have been graciously asked -- and have accepted -- a chance to have some of my diseased rantings disseminated on a weekly basis by the Diogenes' Middle Finger blog. Which is kind of cool, if you ask me, because who knew there were that many demented assholes in the United States that find my thought processes interesting?

I appreciate the chance to add something -- just what still remains to be seen -- to a great blog, and the opportunity to reach a bigger audience. Who knows: I could even wind up scoring a regular gig on Hannity for it.

Drag your asses over to DMG and read up; you'll like it very much, and if you don't, you're probably the type that like to tongue kiss the Men's Room floor at your local mosque.

In other blog news, Mr. Chap is back at The Insane Asylum after a forced hiatus. Welcome Back, Mr. C! You were missed. I instruct all regular readers -- and the irregular ones, as well -- to skedaddle back on over there and read something, for the love of all you hold holy. Don't make me have to unleash the Asylum Elves in full combat gear and facepaint. Remember what happened to Bin Laden the last time I did that.

Welcome Taki's Mag Readers...

Thanks for stopping by, drawing a cup of stupidity and staying to read on for a bit more. Thanks even more for returning, as some you have. I like return customers.

We here at the Asylum strive to bring you only the most egregious examples of the 24-hour diseased monologue that takes place inside my 20-cc. brain.

Our helpful and cheerful Asylum elves, Lefty, Swifty, Bruno and Killah, will be more than happy to show you around the facilities, including our brand-spankin'-new restraining chairs and restroom-mounted Thorazine dispensers.

If you like what you read here, please, by all means, tell your friends and spare yourself the unfortunate consequences of a late-night visit from Dominick the Discipline Elf, a.k.a. The Midnight Marshmallow Strangler, formerly a member of Congress, and CEO of Wet Willie's Whoopie Cushions, Inc.

Regards,

Matthew

P.S. I have added a link to Taki's site on our Wall of Shame; I'm a fan of Kathy Shaidle's (despite the restraining order) and John Derbyshire's, and have been remiss in not posting a link to their latest endeavors sooner.