Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Girls, Girls, Girls!

I had occasion to go into Manhattan yesterday (see next post for details). It was raining to beat the band here in New York, and a wet commute into the city is pretty much always something extremely unpleasant. Most people would rather have their wisdom teeth yanked out -- via their rectum -- than have to deal with a commute from Staten Island to Manhattan: standing on the train platform in the rain, the soggy ferry ride, the having to dodge the spray from cabbies who don't see (or just don't care about) the rain-filled potholes.

It's even worse to have to do it in a suit which you're to used to wearing, and, horror of horrors, dress shoes that you've just spent two hours the night before shining within an inch of their lives (I have a fetish for always having my shoes properly shined. It's compulsive, I think), which will now be ruined because of all this water. Don't get me started on what the wet does to my carefully-creased pants (I like sharp creases and stiff cuffs). And besides; I so rarely wear dress shoes these days that it often hurts to do so for any length of time, especially when your feet get wet.

On a day like that, you have to find any reason you can to justify the trip (besides the prospect of money, of course), to find some way to positively occupy your mind, because otherwise the combination of miserably wet platform, miserably crowded train, miserably cramped ferry, the dreaded trip from West Side to East Side through flooded streets, just might be enough to turn you back. I didn't really need to make this trip, you know. You need to find something positive to think about, something inspiring to push you forward.

Thank you, Ladies, for giving me a reason to continue my arduous journey!

I must have awoken in one of THOSE moods yesterday, because I don't think I missed a thing.

The "Snooki" look is alive-and-well here on the Island. Velour track suits, with the shirt/top just short enough to show everyone your muffin top are all the rage amongst the young girls. When I say "young" I mean, ohhh, probably the 16-30 year olds. This is how the Goombahs (blue-collar Italian men) used to dress; it wasn't attractive on them, and it's even less-attractive on a woman. And a lot of you seem to be busting the zippers up top, too.

When they aren't rocking Snooki, they're going for a more sophisticated-upper-crust look, and wearing what appear to be riding clothes. I think they used to be called jodhpurs, a sort of ultra-tight-fitting pants with velvet or suede lining the inside of the thighs. This is very sexy, for two reasons: first, who doesn't like tight pants on a woman who has the proper assets? Second, that suede is sort of like a visual cue, which cannot help but draw the eye in a line from knee to crotch -- right this way, boys! I wonder if they realize...?

Then you notice that they're wearing 'em so tight that cameltoes begin to abound. I'm sorry, but there's something about cameltoes that just turn me off; you might as well just break it out and show it to everyone after that. Really, we won't be shocked: we've already pretty much seen it all already, thanks. Once you notice the cameltoe, the vision is ruined. You manage to shrug off the bitter taste of disappointment, to make yourself a brand-spankin'-new discovery:

Geeky chicks are looking pretty damned good these days! Whatever libtard political pundits have to say about her womb and political beliefs, Sarah Palin seems to have had a most-unusual affect upon the fashions of the day; glasses are in. The "Natural Look", with little makeup, is back. So are pony tails and up-doos, and...glasses. Dorothy Parker was wrong: this man definitely makes passes at girls who wear glasses! Always did, probably always will, Especially when they wear tight jeans and now-clingy t-shirts made even moreso by the humidity and rain.

I just might make the trip again tomorrow specifically to try and get me one!

Arriving in Manhattan, you become aware of another trend: the artsy-fartsy city types are dressing like 1960's go-go dancers. Tight leotards, elastic-sided knee boots. They're going braless. It's fun to watch on a bouncing bus that lurches to a screeching halt at every red light, or every traffic bottleneck. Sorry to all of you who caught me staring, but I'm male, and can't help it. I'm just wondering if I was drooling at some point.

My trip took me from South Ferry to the East Side, which meant a trip through the outskirts of Chinatown. What I saw was amazing, and I found myself wondering; when did Asian chicks get nice, rounded behinds? Hell, when did they get hips, and wonder-of-wonders, C-cups? It seems as if the American diet, heavy on hormone-injected meat and poultry, has finally had an effect on the latest generations of Asian women that is sure to please every red-blooded American male.They're even wearing make-up now, too! I need to get out more! There were hundreds of them!

The ride home was just as...umm...entertaining.

We Men used to mark the arrival of June in New York by one obvious change in the prevailing fashions, because that's when the short skirts-and-barelegged-look marked the official beginning of Summer. When I worked downtown, from June to mid-September was a time of little work, and numerous cigarette breaks to go out and take a look at the women on the street. Now, it seems women are going all out to look sexy all-year round. I think they always were, but it appears as if nowadays it has all been elevated to a fine art. It made an otherwise dreadful journey a rather delightful experience.

If the City government made an effort to let Men all over the world know just what beauties we have roaming the streets on a rainy fall day, tourism would increase tenfold!

I have to get out more.

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