I’ve said it before many times on these pages; it’s something that should be obvious to anyone with enough brain cells to breathe without mechanical assistance: Evangelical Christians are amongst the most obnoxious of douchebags in America today.
It’s also been said on these very pages that the biggest obstacle in Mitt Romney’s road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is his Mormon Faith. When the subjects of ‘Evangelical’ and ‘Mormon’ collide, the resulting stupidity is usually one-way, and serves as a warning that maybe we shouldn’t be too hasty about banning abortion on demand, just yet.
An unfortunate circumstance of American Politics, and in particular, Republican Politics, is that if you’re a Mormon running for National Office, as a general rule, you’re probably royally fucked just as soon as the Southern Primaries begins. The reason is that the Bible Belt Bunch (a.k.a. the Godbots, or the American Taliban) simply won’t vote for you. For a great many, their particular brand of retarded, 16th-Century Calvinist Christianity (flavored with old-fashioned, snake-oil-salesman-quality hucksterism, and a generous dash of brain damage), causes them to regard Mormons as the next, best thing to registered sex offenders.
Generally, the deeper into the rural Southern Hinterlands one goes, the more fervently this idea about Mormons is held. If you needed to prove this thesis in another way, I can (I think safely) assume that the fewer dentists one finds within a 50-mile radius, the more Evangelical one tends to get, and thus, the more one tends to regard other forms of Christianity that don’t involve handling live rattlesnakes, faith healing and revival shows, as manifestations of the most dangerous and perverse heresy.
And this from people who’s battle cry often is “Second Cousins don’t count!’? Give me a break. But, I digress…
Anyways, I have been laughed at for holding this belief, castigated in e-mail for it, had perhaps hundreds of readers try their mightiest to convince me that the truth is otherwise, but none of it has ever truly changed my mind.
Primarily this is because the majority of the Evangelicals that I know personally were absolute scumbags before they found Jesus, having found crack, angel dust, cocaine, booze, group sex, astrology, drunk driving, New Age Medicine, Eastern Religion, heroin, wife-beating, crystal meth, paint thinner, adultery, prostitution, multiple out-of-wedlock births, and usually prison, first. Evangelicalism usually, it seems, works for these people because it’s a) cheaper than a psychiatrist, b) easier than a 12-step program, and c) requires no real intellectual effort; one need only surrender the rational for the spiritual, and all appears forgiven.
(Oh, and I used to live in the South, too).
Now, I know that doesn’t mean that every Evangelical once had a raging crack habit, just that some, perhaps a sizable minority, do…or rather, did….probably still do, because they haven’t really gotten help; they’ve just replaced one mind-altering drug with another .There’s millions of Evangelicals who ‘grew up in the church’, as they say, and it’s either a habit, or a family tradition that they’ve felt no need to question or jettison. Fair enough. These, incidentally, are mostly the people who would send their life savings to Pastor Bob because he said on television that God was gonna take him if he couldn’t raise the funds for the brand-spankin’-new Tabernacle, Bar-B-Que-Pit ,and Bait and Tackle Shop by Thursday.
And it doesn’t mean that all Evangelicals are bad or stupid people; its just that the majority are either a) assholes, or b) assholes-in-training. Assholes that cannot separate their religion from their politics, much to the distress of everyone else involved. Which explains how it was that Rick Perry vaulted to the top of the GOP race like nine seconds after he got in: See, while Bachmann, Cain, Gingrich and the rest were in Iowa doing, you know, political stuff and practicing retail politics (or as they like to call it, ‘working’), Perry was back in Texas getting his ass photographed and delivering the keynote speeches at Evangelical Prayer meetings.
This caused the Evangelical Vote (which might account for perhaps 25% of the entire electorate – and they don’t all vote R, you know) eats that shit up. They love them a God-fearin’ Man, especially one that comes from where they do, and who speaks their lingo. Just ask Mike Huckabee. Anyhow, this reflexive, unthinking support put Perry on a high pedestal; we heard that he was a miracle worker, jobswise, in Texas, despite the fact that he inherited a state put in proper order by his two predecessors (one of them George W. Bush) .
We were told that Rick Perry, despite having not slaughtered the hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants in his state (in fact giving them a discounted college education where applicable), and for having dared to come between young girls’ vaginas and the Lord God’s right to inflict cervical cancer on anyone She goddamned wants to with a vaccine, was a rock-solid, values-oriented Conservative.
As I like to say, I wouldn’t ask Rick Perry for directions to the outhouse, as he’s obviously confused his Left and His Right; Rick Perry is a Conservative Democrat pretending to be a Conservative Republican.
Quite frankly, Perry’s only Conservative value, thus far, is that he’s willing to let the Prison System in Texas wear out their electric chairs, probably so that they’ll have to go out and buy more; think of it as an economic stimulus plan with a value-added feature. For that, and the prayin’, alone, Rick Perry would’ve been President like Yesterday, if the Godbots could have swung it. It’s just the kind of people they are, although they never admit to it, because if they did they might actually be embarrassed by their behavior and questionable thought patterns.
They raised him so high that Perry’s fall, already beginning, will be spectacular when it reaches terminal velocity. Get yourself some popcorn for when the man finally implodes in a mess of stuttering, self-contradiction, and obliviousness. I rather doubt God will stop filing Her nails long enough to order the Angels to save him.
The depth of that warped mindset, that mentally-constipated chauvinism, forged in the fires of religion and perhaps seven or eight generations of inbreeding, was sooo on display when one of Rick Perry’s biggest supporters went public with what every one of those doofuses actually thinks, but hasn’t the balls to say, announcing that ‘Mormons are a cult’. They’d rather you thought of them as nice, friendly people, who simply want to obey God’s commandment to Love their Fellow Men, but even when an Evangelical is doing something nice, there’s an ulterior motive attached which is driven by their particular religious delusions.
Evangelical support for Israel, for example, is conditioned by their need to have Israel survive long enough so that the prophecies of the End of Days might be fulfilled. When an Evangelical does charity work, it’s typically joined to a campaign of proselytizing. When an Evangelical votes Republican, it’s only because he believes that the GOP is more amenable to helping him implement his dreamed-of, Iranian-style Theocracy in which Abortionists are marched to the ovens, and Gays are stoned to death in the streets, as the Lord hath commanded.
Naturally, having been accused of religious bigotry -- like thirty seconds after he said it -- Reverend Asswipe quickly backpedalled, and recanted his assertion with a pile of horseshit so high and deep that it impressed Barack Obama, who quickly offered Reverend Dickhead his soon-to-be-available Press Secretary Job. President Marriott-Suites likes a man who can talk out of both sides of his mouth…and his rectum…simultaneously. Usually, those sorts either write his speeches, or lead Civil Rights Marches.
Anyway, you get the point: Evangelicals are, at least in matters of faith, total bigots with selfish goals. Of course, some might complain about my having written that, but get this: it’s a broad generalization, so chill, and by the way, I don’t give a shit about what you have to say. After all, you believe in an invisible man in the sky who’s supposed to be all-powerful, but who never has any money. If you’ll buy that load of nonsense, you’re not exactly sporting heavy firepower in the brain department, are you?
Of course, I could be wrong; Romney just might win a Southern Primary or two, after all, but I wouldn’t doubt those would be in parts of the South where the 21st Century hasn’t penetrated yet, and would most likely be in circumstances where your choice was a straight-up one between Romney and Herman Cain. In that case, certain segments of the Sheet-wearin’ Southern Evangelical community would probably rather see a Mormon in the White House than another Black Man, and quickly forget the religious differences. That’s because Evangelicals have yet another talent, and that’s for hypocrisy when it serves their interests; it’s how we got that ‘Family Values’ Congress a few years back that included Mark Foley (accused pedophile) and Larry Craig (accused Airport Men’s Room Lothario), after all.
Both were Evangelical Sweethearts.
Personally, I have no great love for Mormons, either. Being a lapsed Catholic (which means I have better things to do than to worry about someone else’s deeply-cherished mythologies because, well, I have a fucking life and learned to tie my shoes at an early age), religion means nothing to me…unless you’re Muslim, in which case I want you dead before you can blow up my flight to Miami. Nothing on this planet, not volcanoes, tsunamis, or earthquakes, has the power to destroy like the combination of Faith and Politics.
And nothing has destroyed more potential GOP Presidential contenders than the combination of Stupid and Evangelical.