On Morons and Elections, Part I....

I had pretty much decided some time ago to no longer devote time to this blog. I have so many other things to worry about, after all. I need time to work; I have a sick girlfriend who requires a great deal of care; I wasn't making much money with the damned thing, and so it became a pointless exercise in shouting in the wilderness that returned nothing for the energy devoted to it.

I was resigned to turning out the lights and locking the doors, leaving this little patch of cyberspace in much the same state as a Pharaoh's tomb, which is to say, something left undisturbed for centuries until some douchebag with too much curiosity and time on his hands might accidentally find it to plunder it's dank, musty mysteries as he saw fit.

But there's another election coming, and with elections, you can always count upon three things happening:

1. The morons come out of the woodwork.

2. The morons need to be put in their place.

3. I am, by nature, unable to resist putting morons in their place.

Apathy Explained...

My apologies for such a long absence. I normally would not have gone this long without making a post of any kind, but truth be told, I'm in a phase where I could really give a shit.
Sure, I could have posted 500 of the Obama/Pelosi/Liberals/Feminists/Muslims-Are-Stupid-type articles over the last month and a half. Heck, I can do that in my sleep. The problem is that it gets repetitive. One can only make the same self-obvious statements (well, to anyone with a pulse and a baboon-level IQ, that is) before one begins to feel as if there is no point to it. That is to say, there is no point in making the same points.

Douchebag of the Week (12/13/13): John Boehner...

We haven't handed out many DOW awards recently, what with the only possible winner being our President it hardly seemed worth the effort, but yesterday was a different story.

For yesterday, Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner did something so fantastically stupid that it almost vies for the top spot on the Douchiest Things Any Human Being Could EVER Do In Order To Be Considered The Biggest Douche In The Universe List.

The Circular Firing Squad...

Darwin was wrong.

The idea that living organisms evolve in order to take advantage of the circumstances of their environment, and adapt to changing conditions in order to assure the survival of the species, is belied by the existence of a certain subsection of the American electorate which is apparently so stupid and so stubborn that they are doing everything in their power to ensure their own disappearance.

And in the process, make life hell for everyone else.

This strange creature, which seemingly has embraced suicide as a strategy, is a certain brand of person who goes by a most deceptive, inaccurate, and self-bestowed appellation.

They call themselves "True Conservatives".

A Friendly Letter to Evangelical Christians...

Dear Evangelical Douchebags,

This is to inform you that I will no longer defend you in any political arguments that I have with Libtarded Obamabots. You have shown, by your otherwise inexplicable reluctance to vote for Mitt Romney in the last Presidential Election -- probably because Pastor Bob told you he was a Mormon, and thus, the next, best thing to a devil worshiper -- that you are no longer worthy of the effort.

By staying home on Election Day, you allowed the agents of the Anti-Christ (Obama and the democratic party) to win.Your inability to let your good sense override the dictates of your phony-baloney religion has allowed Evil to prosper, and in the process, you have failed in your responsibilities to your country and your fellow Man.

I hope that make-believe God that you grovel and give money to is busy striking your names off the Rapture list as we speak.

I used to defend you, even if I didn't agree with you, to Libtards, but no more. There is no defense for what you have done, and now the rest of us will have to suffer for your "principles". No wonder the Romans wanted you dead.

Please kindly take those Bibles you thump and thrust in people's faces and shove them up your collective ass. Sideways. I hope your rectums bleed from the massive number of papercuts that the book of Revelations alone should inflict.

I hate to have to say this, but Julian Bond was correct -- there is a Taliban Wing in the GOP, and they sat home on Election Day. They have done more damage to this country than the real Taliban ever could.

Fuck You and Have a Nice Day.

Signed,

The Lunatic

Weiner, Spitzer..There's a Blowjob Joke in There, Somewhere...

I would like to post an open letter to the voters of New York City.

I'm quite worried that many of you will do something so unthinkable, so mind-bogglingly stupid, so counter to your own interests, and actually take seriously the candidacy for public office (or should we say Orifice?) of one Anthony Weiner, infamous Twitter Dick Pic distributor, and one Elliot Spitzer, notorious Sex-with-a-hooker-while-wearing-black-socks aficionado.

Former Staffer: Obama and Biden "Financially Illiterate"...

No shit? Just figuring that out, huh?

Next year, assuming the Mayans were wrong about Armageddon, is going to be a blast for those of us who like to read. I have no doubt that there’s  fifty “Obama Insider” books already written, and ready to go, all dripping with the truth about President Marriott-Suites, his Deputy Dog of a Vice President, and the gift that keeps on giving, Our Esteemed Secretary of State, the Old Crusty Pantsuit, herself.

And every last one of them holds out the possibility of containing completely original, never-before-spoken-of examples of legendary stupidity that will, in all likelihood, shock the ever-loving shit out of every last one of us. Not because it will be unbelievable, but because we’ll finally know just how close we came to becoming a fascist dictatorship run by complete doofuses.

Think Mussolini with Down’s Syndrome.

The article is basically a rehash of some disillusioned-and-selfish dickhead’s disappointments with Biden, but it’s a weather vane, of sorts, for the kind of shit we’re likely to be seeing on bookshelves really soon. The theme is that “While I may be a complete asshole, Joe Biden is a bigger one, and here’s why….”

Make sure your Kindle is charged up, folks.

Fighting For The Female Vote...

...and why it's probably a waste of effort.

This Lunatic has been busy this week, which is why I haven’t been posting. My apologies to all my loyal readers who come here first for diseased commentary, but I reckon that once you know exactly what I  have been doing, you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

For I have been doing important political research.

You see, it all began when I started really paying attention to all these news reports about poll numbers in the upcoming Presidential election. Normally, I could care less about polls because they are typically useless for just about anything except which brand of dishwashing liquid is more popular than another, Typically, when a newscast or somesuch starts talking about polling data, my eyes glaze over, and I retreat into a sort of semi-conscious reverie in which I become Wolverine, and I’m fantasizing about using my incredible mutant powers – and those way-too-fuckin'-cool claws – to rob banks, and my incredible animal magnetism (complete with mutant pheromones!) to get Salma Hayek out of her clothing and into the sack.

An Open Letter To The Undecided Voter...

Dear Undecided Voter,

I understand that the choice you are being asked to make on November 6th, 2012 is an important one that will have many unknown and long-term effects, and that as such, you wish to make the best decision you possibly can.

Truly, it is important that you, Undecided Voter, be given every opportunity to scrutinize both major candidates for the Presidency of the United States, and be given all the time you need to ensure that you understand each candidate's position on a wide variety of issues of burning import. I comprehend the magnitude of the decision that you are being asked to make, and the sheer sense of solemn responsibility that you feel for having to make it.

Really, it's quite alright if you take your time, and make certain you know what all the angles and issues are before you make that all-important decision.

What We Saw at The GOP Convention...

Apologies for being a bit late with this. Tess has been deathly ill, and I've been kinda busy keeping her alive. Which is more than Obamacare would have done.

In keeping with our general theme this week, let's wrap up what we saw at the GOP convention. In no particular order:

What I See At The GOP Convention...

The story thus far:

Mitt Romney gets the nod. Lots of great speeches. A lot of childish behavior from Libertarians. A lot of press people -- many who should know better -- outright, unabashedly lying. Here's the high- (and low-) lights, as I see them, so far:

The Fifteen Biggest Bullshitters In America Today...

I believe it was the late George Carlin who once said, paraphrasing, that the biggest industry in America was the production, packaging, marketing and distribution of Bullshit.

Sometimes, when you look at the blasted heath that was once the landscape of this Great Nation, and you think about how it all devolved to deposit us at our current state of affairs, it's difficult not to agree with that cynical sentiment. You need look no further than the corridors of power in America for proof of this maxim:

President Obama is a bullshit artist.

Most members of Congress are bullshit artists.

Local governments are overflowing with bullshit artists, from the execrable personage of Mayor Michael Bloomdouche...errr...Bloomberg...of my great city of New York, to the "Honorable" Jerry Brown, governor of a bankrupt California which is rapidly becoming Mexico, only with indoor plumbing and food.

Burnham, Orwell and Obama, Part One...

Winston Smith, The Managerial Revolution, And Our Current Crisis
Lately, I’ve been talking a lot about George Orwell here. I can’t seem to help myself, and I promise, it’s not because I am obsessed by the man’s writing, though it is hard not to be. I would consider Orwell to be perhaps one of the three best writers of the 20th Century (Winston Churchill and H.G. Wells round out that list, IMO), and without a doubt, the best political writer of the second half of the same era.

It’s not just that books like 1984 and Animal Farm are great reads, telling interesting stories, but that they seem to reflect our own times so much that it’s difficult not to imagine that someone isn’t following his script.

A Conservative Blog? Humbug!

One of the really neat things about Blogger is that Google has provided the writer with a cool bunch of fairly basic, but often interesting, analytic tools which can be used to track certain aspects of your blogs’ audience.

One of these is the “Traffic Sources” tool that gives you some information about how people managed to find you. There is a subsection of this analytic which is called “search terms” which details how many readers were directed your way by using various search terms within their web browser. Very often, people will enter a rather vague or strange search term, for example, the ever popular “Leslie Marshall Tits”, and lo and behold! They wind up finding the Lunatic’s Asylum!

Now, I have never written about Leslie’s hooters in a real sense, except in response to the apparently mammary-obsessed idiot who keeps coming here in the hopes, one would think, of seeing an image or perhaps reading a fascinating description of Leslie’s Sweatermeat, only to leave woefully disappointed.

25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do...

And when I say "must do", I really mean must. Like before anything else. Ten seconds after taking the oath of office and ensuring that the Obama's haven't stolen the White House silverware.

This list assumes two things:

a) Mitt Romney defeats Barack Odouchebag in November, and
b) The GOP retains it's majority in the House, and gets one in the Senate

Otherwise, this is all academic.

So, here's my list of the the Top 25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do (in no particular order):

Santorum: "Obama Preferable to Romney..."

Rick Santorum proves that he's a hellaciously petty little asswipe.

Okay, time to shut it down, Ricky. You’ve just proven that you’re not ready for prime time.

This is exactly what happens when you put a smug, Bible-thumping, arrogant little prick with no sense or realization of the depths of his own stupidity front-and-center of your “Conservative” movement. He invariably gets it in his head that if he doesn’t win outright then you deserve the terrible alternative…it’s almost as if God is punishing you for daring to ignore his Holy Message and reject his Most Sacred Messenger.

Rick Santorum, as I’ve said millions of times on this page, is a sanctimonious little dipshit with too high an opinion of himself. The unfortunate thing about American right-wing politics these days, from the point-of-view of this right-winger, is that our party and movements are overflowing with just exactly this sort of pompous asshole who can't win unless they can manage to tear everyone else down.

Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio is a Bad Choice for Vice President...

Conventional conservative wisdom, as expressed by the likes of Charles Krauthammer, is that Mitt Romney, having all but sealed the deal in the race to become the GOP presidential candidate, should turn his attention to the subject of who will be his Vice President. Moreover, this same conventional wisdom says that Romney will need to placate Hispanic voters and that this means that he will simply have to select one Marco Rubio Senator-in-Diapers from Florida.

Here are Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio Would be a Bad Choice For Vice President:

Don't Jump on That Santorum Bandwagon Just Yet...

With regards to the recent surge of Rick Santorum:

Santorum is the lucky beneficiary of the following fortuitous factors (hey, that's alliteration!), in no particular order:

Because Santorum is Unelectable, That's Why...

Byron York on why Rick Santorum lost his last election so badly.

If you read the comments, you get the idea that Santorum is largely viewed -- except by those on the Right-to-Life-Right -- as a sanctimonious, opportunistic, by-the-numbers, mealy-mouthed, hypocritical, do-nothing twit.

Which is pretty much what I wrote here just the other day.

Wait A Second...When Did Romney Become a Conservative?

I love Ann Coulter. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if it were possible, I would gladly bear her children. Our prospective rugrats would be so exceedingly adorable, so wonderfully smart and sarcastic that they would probably be some of the most dangerous (in an irreverently cutesy kind of vicious way) people to ever walk the face of this great Planet Earth.