25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do...

And when I say "must do", I really mean must. Like before anything else. Ten seconds after taking the oath of office and ensuring that the Obama's haven't stolen the White House silverware.

This list assumes two things:

a) Mitt Romney defeats Barack Odouchebag in November, and
b) The GOP retains it's majority in the House, and gets one in the Senate

Otherwise, this is all academic.

So, here's my list of the the Top 25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do (in no particular order):

1. De facto Declare English the chief lingua franca of the United States. If I'm not mistaken, this, technically, requires an act of Congress, but there is a way to avoid having what would be a very messy public fight over the issue, and that is to issue an Executive order to all federal departments that report to the Executive Branch to stop printing, transmitting, broadcasting, et. al., in any language but English, excepting those instances where it is deemed necessary to maintain public order or safety, or deemed in the best interests of the United States.

That means no more welfare forms in Swahili. No more visa applications written in Arabic. No more bi-lingual education requirements and subsidies from the federal government (if the states want to pay for bi-lingual anything, let them do it and pay for it themselves). This also means the simultaneous destruction of existing stocks of non-English forms, etc.

Use the money saved to pay down the National Debt.

2. Eliminate the following three Cabinet-level Departments: Education, Housing and Urban Development, and Energy.

The Department of Education does not educate anyone. it does not set a national curriculum, it does not establish standards for teacher's qualifications. It exists to simply siphon a chunk of taxpayer money off for the benefit of bureaucrats, and then waste the rest. Replace education subsidies via the DoE with block grants to the states, who can run their own Head Start and Dry tunafish-sandwich school lunch programs, if they want.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development does not work. if you need proof, take a look at your local urban and tell me how developed you think it is? HUD exists, mostly, to replace the private sector slumlord with a government slumlord, and the so-called program of "Economic empowerment zones" that it runs is little more than areal estate scam which only eventually gentrifies ghettos, creating an even bigger "low-income housing" problem. HUD is also front-and-center, with it's partners in crime of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, at the very heart of the mortgage debacle that has caused so much economic chaos.

The Department of Energy is basically useless. It is stuffed to the rafters with Chinese spies (there's a new spy scandal there just about every year), and does nothing to either encourage energy production or distribution in this country. Keep the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (move it to the Department of Commerce) and scrap the rest. most of the energy research being done in this country is being done by the private sector and universities, anyway.

If it turns out that only Congress can eliminate a federal department, then simply submit a budget for $0 for those entities, and lock the doors.

Use the money saved to pay down the National Debt.

3. With regards to 2, liquidate the assets (such as they are) of Fannie and Freddie at public auctions over the next 10-to-15 years. Even if the taxpayer only gets back ten-or-fifteen cents on the dollar, it's far more than we'd be getting back if we left these two cash-sucking monstsers to continue to belly up to the taxpayer teat. Ensure that neither one ever underwrites another mortgage again, and that neither can trade in mortgage-backed securities. Fire every doofus who thought it was economically viable to loan great wads of other people's cash to people incapable of ever paying it back. I would surmise that at least half of them are Harvard or Wharton MBA's, which makes them about a useful as teats on a warthog, anyway.

Use the money saved/earned to pay down the National Debt.

4. Begin the process of dismantling the United States Post Office, an organization that has been largely superseded by both technology and private competition in overnight and bulk mail, and which is now reduced to delivering an average of 30 pounds of junk mail a month to every American home. Even with a monopoly on first-class mail (hey, I thought monopolies were supposed to be bad?), the Post Office is so broke it can't even afford to pay attention. Divide the country into seven or eight "Postal Zones", and then let private business bid competitively for the right to deliver mail in those areas.

Prices will drop, service will improve, and the tax payer will be off the hook for a federal bureaucracy that no longer serves much of a purpose, other than keeping people who passed an elementary-school-level civil service exam overpaid and underworked.

Use the money saved to pay down the National Debt.

5. Review the Federal Register and eliminate any law that meets the following criteria:

a) Superseded by technology
b) Hasn't been enforced in 25 years or more
c)Was enacted in response to a circumstance which is no longer operative

Let businesses and individuals use the freedom gained and the money saved to enjoy themselves and their rights in the fresh air of a lessening of federal tyranny.

6. Taxes: Review the tax code and all federal Law and discard any tax that was implemented on a "temporary" or "emergency" basis that eventually became permanent, even though the circumstance or emergency under which it was enacted is no longer operative.

Simplify the tax code, close loopholes, lower rates on individuals and businesses. there's no reason why it should cost me $200 bucks and require eighteen forms to file my tax returns every year, when I only have one source of income. Income should be taxed in total, not by category, all at a lower rate.

Declare tax holidays. give every private citizen one month free of federal taxes (excepting Social Security, Unemployment insurance and Medicare taxes). Exempt the first $10,000 of income for families with a combined income of under $250,000, and the first $7,000 for single filers from federal income tax.

Eliminate taxes on dividends, savings, and investment in which the return is less than $250,000 a year.

Stop allowing Warren Buffet and his friends to take income as capital gains instead of wage income.

Start charging welfare recipients a 5% surtax on their benefits, provided they are under 65 years of age and not suffering from a certified disability.

Tax revenues will increase as people get to keep, spend or invest more of their own hard-earned cash. Earmark half of each year's actual (not "anticipated") rise in tax revenues to reduce the National Debt.

7. Dismantle and defund any bureaucracy even remotely associated with ObamaCare. This abomination should not be left alive in embryonic or microbial form, because it will simply spring up again in the future.

Use the money saved to pay for the eternal and expansive Secret Service protection that Barack Obama will require for the remainder of his days, for real reasons of personal safety.

8. Warn Iran that if they will persist in building nuclear weapons, the United States will reserve unto itself the ability to retaliate the very second a mushroom cloud appears anywhere in the world, regardless of it's actual source. Make it unmistakably clear that if Iran wants to continue to sponsor terrorism, threaten it's neighbors, and play swingin' dick games with the United States that we have the power, and the will, to turn that country into a glass-topped, self-lighting parking lot. The only place anyone will ever know there was such a thing as "Persian Culture" will be to visit a museum.

Use the money we'll save from not having to defend Saudi Arabia to pay down the National Debt, and to buy Debbie Wasserman-Schultz a new set of teeth that don't look as if they used to be part of a log-stripping machine.

9. Warn North Korea in unmistakable terms that the demented dreams of a long line of inbred midgets is incompatable with the dictates and requirements of a peaceful world. Foment counter-revolution in North Korea by carpet-bombing them with restaurant-quality pictures of food. Show them pictures of Americans scraping pieces of steak into their dog's dish. Display photographs of the amount of food we throw into a dumpster behind your local Wendy's on a daily basis. That is the quickest way to bring down the North Korean regime, and if the South Koreans bitch about having to deal with millions of starving refugees on their doorstep, then fuck 'em: you can't stake your foreign policy on reconciliation with the North, and then avoid the natural consequences that such a thing would have brought anyway as a matter of course.

Use the money we'll save for not having to defend South Korea to pay down the National Debt.

10. Refuse to join any more "Free Trade Organizations", like the WTO, which are three lies for the price of one. There is no such thing as "Free Trade", because if there were, America would dominate. There is no benefit, except to lawyers and CEO's, to all this "Free Trade" nonsense; it is simply a way for American business to take advantage of cheap foreign labor and lax regulation overseas, while simultaneously denying American products a space on many of the world's shelves.

11. Bitch-slap Nancy Pelosi at least once. Subject Harry Reid to a daily regimen of Purple Nurples and Wet Willies until he quits,or seeks psychiatric help. Instigate a daily routine of Wedgies for Bernie Sanders, and Swirlies for Patrick Leahy. Tell the Congressional Black Caucus to go fuck itself and get with the program or be left in the dust; it's time they started lighting fires under African-Americans to live up to their potential instead of infantilizing and enslaving them on the government-assistance plantation.

12. Order all Executive Branch departments to withhold funding or other aid from states and municipalities that fail to enforce immigration laws in both spirit and letter.

13. Disband the TSA, which was simply unionizing the same high-school dropouts that brought you 9/11 in the first place, and turn airport security over to the airlines. Find some way to give them an insurance break if they maintain high security standards.

14. Begin working to get a ballot initiative in all fifty states -- with an eye to acquiring constitutional amendments later on -- for the following:

a) Banning abortion unless it is a matter of life or death, permanent disability, or the consequence of a sexual assault.
b) Allowing unfettered competition across states lines for all forms of insurance, but medical insurance in particular.
c) Requiring all parents of newborns in America to prove that at least one of them is an American citizen or has permission to be in the country within 96 hours of birth. Sans that evidence, no birth certificate can be issued that will be recognized by the federal government for any reason whatsoever.
d) A national Voter Photo-Id initiative that requires all eligible voters to possess, and produce, an identification card whenever exercising the franchise. It should also include provisions to clean up voter rolls, eliminate fraud in local, state and federal elections.

15. Infrastructure programs: No new federal infrastructure construction for two years, except on an emergency basis, with the focus going towards repairing and maintaining the infrastructure we already have. This means no new federal highways, no new roads, no more Interstate Rest Areas named after Robert Byrd, deserted streets in largely-vacant industrial areas named after Martin Luther King, and no new airports-with-no-customers named after Ronald Reagan.

Romney should approve the Keystone Pipeline project on Day One.

Two years on, Romney should announce the following, major infrastructure programs that will benefit the entire country:

a) Construction of two new transcontinental railways for freight purposes only. One should run east west, and the other north south.
b) The approval to begin construction of 20-25 new nuclear power plants in 15 years, utilizing new technology which requires less fuel, produces less waste, and has a smaller footprint.
c) Revitalization of America's canal systems and seaports, with a simultaneous initiative to revive the Merchant Marine Schools. After all, something like 90% of all world trade is carried over water.
d) Approve the construction of two new oil refineries in the United States.

16. Make Herman Cain Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and Michael Bolton Secretary of State.

17. Begin laying the groundwork for a "phased withdrawal" from government-run entitlement programs that will eliminate both Medicare and Social Security within 50 years time, both to be replaced by privatized, citizen-controlled means.

18. Complete the southern border wall, order it liberally sown with landmines and broken glass, patrolled by heavily-armed Border Patrol agents leading vicious dogs on flimsy leashes,and implement a "Two Warnings and Then I Start Shooting Motherfuckers" program to keep illegal aliens out.

Start machine-gunning anything that floats in the Gulf of Mexico, or the Caribbean that appears it might be approaching the United States without permission. Get rid of immigration laws that favor one sort of immigrant over another.

19. Build a missile defense project, and fuck Russia and China.

20. Order the State Department to reject every visa application currently in the system, and refrain from accepting any more for a period of five years, minimum. Ensure that no embassy in the world has the ability to provide a visa application, and that the State Department -- in issuing them on "emergency" and "humanitarian" grounds -- keeps track of those people. Stop allowing businesses to request H1-B's, and let them hire Americans and start paying them decent wages.

21. Announce a federal competition to private industry to produce  both a reliable, renewable fuel and the efficient engine that runs on it. First prize for both: $5 billion, and a 10-year monopoly on production and distribution, after which the Free market should be allowed to work it's magic.

22. Review the purpose and function of every department, agency, bureau or commission of the Federal Government: eliminate redundancies, eliminate those that have outlived their usefulness, combine those that overlap in function or authority, reduce the Federal Workforce by attrition.

Use the money saved to pay down the National Debt.

23. Disband and eliminate every "Faith-based" government program there is. It's not government's job to sponsor anything even remotely religious, even as a means of citizen outreach.

Use the money saved to get Hillary Clinton a new, size-52 pantstuit to replace the one she's been wearing for 12 years, now.

24. Require every new Cabinet Member to submit a first budget with a 15% across-the-board cut in it. Give them a year to stabilize things, and then demand another 10% across-the-board cut in year three.

25. Push for a Constitutional Amendment requiring truly balanced federal budgets, stronger auditing requirements for the Federal Government, and a day-by-day accounting of how tax money is being spent to be posted on the internet. Enforce a lower debt ceiling, and make it approachable only by a super-majority in Congress.