Douchebag of the Week (12/13/13): John Boehner...

We haven't handed out many DOW awards recently, what with the only possible winner being our President it hardly seemed worth the effort, but yesterday was a different story.

For yesterday, Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner did something so fantastically stupid that it almost vies for the top spot on the Douchiest Things Any Human Being Could EVER Do In Order To Be Considered The Biggest Douche In The Universe List.

A Friendly Letter to Evangelical Christians...

Dear Evangelical Douchebags,

This is to inform you that I will no longer defend you in any political arguments that I have with Libtarded Obamabots. You have shown, by your otherwise inexplicable reluctance to vote for Mitt Romney in the last Presidential Election -- probably because Pastor Bob told you he was a Mormon, and thus, the next, best thing to a devil worshiper -- that you are no longer worthy of the effort.

By staying home on Election Day, you allowed the agents of the Anti-Christ (Obama and the democratic party) to win.Your inability to let your good sense override the dictates of your phony-baloney religion has allowed Evil to prosper, and in the process, you have failed in your responsibilities to your country and your fellow Man.

I hope that make-believe God that you grovel and give money to is busy striking your names off the Rapture list as we speak.

I used to defend you, even if I didn't agree with you, to Libtards, but no more. There is no defense for what you have done, and now the rest of us will have to suffer for your "principles". No wonder the Romans wanted you dead.

Please kindly take those Bibles you thump and thrust in people's faces and shove them up your collective ass. Sideways. I hope your rectums bleed from the massive number of papercuts that the book of Revelations alone should inflict.

I hate to have to say this, but Julian Bond was correct -- there is a Taliban Wing in the GOP, and they sat home on Election Day. They have done more damage to this country than the real Taliban ever could.

Fuck You and Have a Nice Day.

Signed,

The Lunatic

Douchebag of the Week: Senator John McCain...

I wish someone would finally (metaphorically) put a stake through the heart of John McCain before next sunrise. 

His continued ability to leave his coffin every evening, suck some more blood from the body politic and return unscathed to strike again the following night is beginning to remind me of Count Dracula.

Actually, McCain often reminds me of Count Chocula -- a goofy, cartoonish, two-dimensional character on a cereal box -- only with power and an over-developed sense of self-importance. It’s time to knock him down a few pegs until he’s little more than the Count from Sesame Street.

Par For The Course In New Yorkistan...

Shocker: Dem and GOP pols caught in bribery scam to get Dem elected Mayor of New York City on GOP ticket...

Now, what's so shocking is not that a democrat would try to bribe his or her way into office;they do this all the time, as a matter of course. Especially in a place like New York, Chicago, Detroit or Washington, D.C., because the sort of democrat those places seem to breed would never see a democrat elected if he/she had to rely on, oh...their wits, or telling the truth.

What We Saw at The GOP Convention...

Apologies for being a bit late with this. Tess has been deathly ill, and I've been kinda busy keeping her alive. Which is more than Obamacare would have done.

In keeping with our general theme this week, let's wrap up what we saw at the GOP convention. In no particular order:

What I See At The GOP Convention...

The story thus far:

Mitt Romney gets the nod. Lots of great speeches. A lot of childish behavior from Libertarians. A lot of press people -- many who should know better -- outright, unabashedly lying. Here's the high- (and low-) lights, as I see them, so far:

Douchebag of The Week: Todd Akin...

We here at the Asylum haven't given out a Douchebag of the Week Award for some time now, if only because with Barack Obama winning one every week for the last two years there didn't seem to be any point in it, anymore.

But, like buses, if you wait awhile, another douchebag predictably comes along.

This week's recipient is Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) who, for some reason which you just KNOW is connected to throwing theRight To Lifers a bit of red meat, finds it necessary to make a fine distinction about "legitimate rape".

There's a specific reason why this sort of ultra-conservative scares the fertilizer out of people, and Akin just reminded everyone of it.

25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do...

And when I say "must do", I really mean must. Like before anything else. Ten seconds after taking the oath of office and ensuring that the Obama's haven't stolen the White House silverware.

This list assumes two things:

a) Mitt Romney defeats Barack Odouchebag in November, and
b) The GOP retains it's majority in the House, and gets one in the Senate

Otherwise, this is all academic.

So, here's my list of the the Top 25 Things The Next Republican President Must Do (in no particular order):

Santorum: "Obama Preferable to Romney..."

Rick Santorum proves that he's a hellaciously petty little asswipe.

Okay, time to shut it down, Ricky. You’ve just proven that you’re not ready for prime time.

This is exactly what happens when you put a smug, Bible-thumping, arrogant little prick with no sense or realization of the depths of his own stupidity front-and-center of your “Conservative” movement. He invariably gets it in his head that if he doesn’t win outright then you deserve the terrible alternative…it’s almost as if God is punishing you for daring to ignore his Holy Message and reject his Most Sacred Messenger.

Rick Santorum, as I’ve said millions of times on this page, is a sanctimonious little dipshit with too high an opinion of himself. The unfortunate thing about American right-wing politics these days, from the point-of-view of this right-winger, is that our party and movements are overflowing with just exactly this sort of pompous asshole who can't win unless they can manage to tear everyone else down.

Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio is a Bad Choice for Vice President...

Conventional conservative wisdom, as expressed by the likes of Charles Krauthammer, is that Mitt Romney, having all but sealed the deal in the race to become the GOP presidential candidate, should turn his attention to the subject of who will be his Vice President. Moreover, this same conventional wisdom says that Romney will need to placate Hispanic voters and that this means that he will simply have to select one Marco Rubio Senator-in-Diapers from Florida.

Here are Five Reasons Why Marco Rubio Would be a Bad Choice For Vice President:

On Mormons and Evangelicals...

It has been a frequent assertion on this page that one Willard "Mitt" Romney, Presidential Candidate, would have to endure a grueling uphill slog towards that office based upon the simple fact that his Mormon faith makes him suspect in the eyes of Southern Religious Conservatives, who view Mormons as the next, best thing to apostates and child rapists.

Recent events -- i.e. The GOP southern caucuses and primaries -- have shown this to be true. It didn't take a rocket scientist to predict this outcome; all one needed was some first-hand experience of Southerners, in general, and Southern Religious Doofuses, in particular, to figure this out.

Rick Santorum: Morbid Mental Case, and Birth Control, Too...

Andrea Peyser in today's New York Post on Santorum’s weirdness.

If taking a dead child home to cuddle and sing to it doesn't strike you as somewhere between "emotionally overwrought" and "batshit insane" let me know: I want to keep as much distance between you and I as possible.

Don't Jump on That Santorum Bandwagon Just Yet...

With regards to the recent surge of Rick Santorum:

Santorum is the lucky beneficiary of the following fortuitous factors (hey, that's alliteration!), in no particular order:

Because Santorum is Unelectable, That's Why...

Byron York on why Rick Santorum lost his last election so badly.

If you read the comments, you get the idea that Santorum is largely viewed -- except by those on the Right-to-Life-Right -- as a sanctimonious, opportunistic, by-the-numbers, mealy-mouthed, hypocritical, do-nothing twit.

Which is pretty much what I wrote here just the other day.

Oh, Dear God, Make it GO AWAY....

Sarah Palin: I might run in a brokered convention, or something, you betcha, wink, wink.

I am so thoroughly sick of this woman. She makes you wish the moose could shoot back.

Santorum The Apparatchik…

RE: Rick Santorum’s rise in the polls, winning a few caucuses without delegates and the revision of the Iowa Beauty Contest in his favor:

I will not make the argument that Rick Santorum is a bad man, but I will argue that he is a bad candidate for the Presidency.

Wait A Second...When Did Romney Become a Conservative?

I love Ann Coulter. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if it were possible, I would gladly bear her children. Our prospective rugrats would be so exceedingly adorable, so wonderfully smart and sarcastic that they would probably be some of the most dangerous (in an irreverently cutesy kind of vicious way) people to ever walk the face of this great Planet Earth.

Don't Take That Victory Lap Yet, Mitt...

#Excelsior502 - Mitt Romney has won the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, and has, de jure, become the presumptive GOP nominee in the Great Battle to Defeat Stupidity in 2012.

Big Deal.

Why Iowa Shouldn't Matter...

Ho-fucking-hum. Iowa caucuses...can't....stay...awake...

I'm wondering why it is that we should expend so much time and energy wondering what Iowan republicans think. I'm not suggesting that the good people of Iowa are not worth listening to -- if only because even blind hogs still find the occasional acorn, after all -- but because of the sort of republicans they generally tend to be.

Personally, I'm of the mind that there are really only two Iowans one should ever take seriously:

James Tiberius Kirk and Iowahawk.

The Case Against Barack Obama...

As if one actually needed to be made?

Anyhow, I have not bashed President Frequent-Flyer-Miles for some time now, which is not surprising: in order to criticize someone for anything, it is first necessary for them to have done something. Barack Obama, as I have said many times before on this page, is simply not a doer so it has been difficult to criticize anything after his first year in office -- except his lack of action. However, the last few months of Presidential inaction may have given new meanings to the words 'procrastination' and 'inertia'.