Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Dear God: Can I Have My Rib Back? - Part I

One of the reasons why I haven't been here on a daily basis screaming uselessly into the wind is that I have some new pre-occupations these days.

The first of these is (arguably) gainful employment (see next post), and the second is that I have started dating again. If my first three "dates" were any indication of what the "Singles Scene" is for over 40's, I'm thinking an Asian Mail-order bride might be in order. At least they don't speak very good Eng-rish, do the laundry without complaint, and won't talk the hind leg off a donkey.

To begin with, let me make this clear before I take my dates apart at the joints; I am no Prince. I'm a good 40 pounds overweight, I'm so stubborn that stubborn oxen look at me and say "Hey, that guy's a fuckin' douche!". I'm opinionated, can be arrogant, and I'm one of those people who is psychologically hard-wired to point out the stupidity of others and make obnoxious comments about it -- without noticing my own stupidity in the process.

In my favor, however; if I care for you, you will have no better ally, no more intrepid defender. I will shut up just long enough to listen to you (if I must --heh!), and you can be assured that when you TRULY require my undivided attention -- in all things -- you will have it. You will be respected, valued, and loved. Loyalty, Respect and Consideration are all I have give, and they're also all I'll ever ask for.

Now, here I was thinking about dating again, but taking a different path than I have for, say...the last 25 years of my life. Part of my problem with women is that I seem to find the same sort over and over again; women who need to be rescued. I've been told I have this "White Knight" syndrome by my female friends for like...forever...and it's led me to nothing but trouble. So,this time around, I have decided to be especially critical in my choice of potential mates. No more losers for Your's Truly, because I've finally learned that I'm not capable of fixing someone else's problems, and I'm not going to anymore. I have my own, Thank you Very Much. Leave your baggage at the door, Lady.

Having been on the shelf for a bit, I have had to learn a few things all over again, like making small talk. At first this was difficult, but with my natural fucking charm (ha!) and acute sense of humor, this becomes easier as things move along. I've also had to learn that we live in a different day-and-age: there was a time when Women were expected to be Ladies, and Men were expected to treat them as such. Not anymore. I mean, I have a foul mouth, and use the coarsest language you might imagine, but can manage to control it in (most) social situations. Imagine my surprise when I find myself out on the town with three...ahem...ladies who can a) outcurse me, b) drink me under the table, and c) make no secret about their sexual desires -- and/or deviances.

I'm meeting chicks through a dating service, which is local, and I shan't talk about here -- just in case this all turns out to be a huge pile of dogcrap.

I've had three dates so far, and none of them were anything to brag about, primarily because the selection of women available after 40 leaves a lot to be desired, although this is not entirely fair to them; the selection of men can't be that awesome, either. Suffice to say, at this stage in life, you're dealing with a few, basic categories of females:

1. The Career Chick - she's never had time for a husband or family because she was busy trying to break glass ceilings, or to out-hustle the Boys in the Office to make Salesperson of the Year, and up until now, she has been filling her emotional holes with the trappings of success; cars, vacations, clothes, etc. She presents a dichotomy; she wants you to believe that she's tough, aggressive, able to take the rough-and-tumble of the Board Room and the Bedroom, worthy of your respect and admiration, but all she ever talks about is how tough it is to be a Woman. In fact, she never shuts up about it. She does nothing but give you her resume...all evening.

When she's not whining about having a menstrual cycle, she's a fucking predator. She's learned, through the Darwinian process of the Business World, to take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself, whether that's professional, financial, or sexual. One minute, she's complaining about the burden of her vagina, and the very next offering it you on a silver platter. She's torn between a lifetime of bad habits, and a biological/psychological need; she behaves like a Man, but wants to be treated like a Woman, and the lines about where one should start and the other end are often entirely too blurry to discern.

2. The "Second Lifer" - This is a middle-aged woman, usually recently widowed or divorced, who has decided that NOW is Me Time. Her children are grown and have left the nest. Her duty as Wife and Mother have been dispatched to the best of her ability, and are now no longer required; she can enjoy the remainder of her life free of responsibility. It is now time to see to HER needs for a change.

Except that she can't stop talking about that former life, because it has been, for a very long time, her only frame of reference. This sort usually married young, and was not very socially active in a way that didn't involve her children or husband. Consequently, every activity you engage in, every conversation you have, every passing reference to anything in creation, usually results in a long-winded tale originating from deep within the Old Life, and you are expected to fake nostalgia for people and events that you never knew or experienced. This kind of woman is usually very nice, very lady-like, but about as interesting as a tunafish sandwich.

3. Lucy the Loser -this woman has, as the saying goes, been "ridden hard and put away wet". Lucy types come in two varieties; an original thought and a cold glass of water might put her into a coma, or the ones who don't have a thought that originates above the waist. Usually they're both.

You can smell this one coming from a mile away because she's just too eager to please. In all respects. It's all forced, it's all an act. Here's a mental checklist to use, to see if you've ever hooked up with Lucy before:

a. Divorced more than once, often three times or more, and quite possibly abused along the way.

b. Talks freely about her boobs/oral sex skills/the threesome with another girl that she had in college, and makes certain that everyone in the room hears her. She might even repeat it all several times for the benefit of those who didn't get it the first seven times.

c. She can't go five minutes without complimenting you/buttering you up, even if she has to interrupt you and change the subject to do it.

d. Everything anyone says or does immediately evokes a sexual reference.

e. Despite the dazzling smile, the girlish laughter, the come-hither eyelash batting, the all-too-obvious low-cutness of the dress, and the inviting sexual undertone, one look into this woman's eyes reveals....nothing. Her eyes are dead; there's nothing there. That's your first hint that Lucy is a fucking psycho, and that no blowjob on Earth is worth that much trouble.

4. The Reluctant Traveler-This woman insists that she's only doing this because "my girlfriend made me", or "I had nothing better to do, so why not?", but she's playing a game that makes you want to reach across the table and fucking choke her within an inch of her life.

This date is a mental minefield; she's really toying with you in a passive-aggressive manner, dropping (often-contradictory) hints all the time -- because plain talk would blow her "cover". If you do manage to pick up a hint along the way and follow this thread past a certain point, she suddenly changes direction. It's a game of Encouragement-and-Discouragement, and it serves two purposes;

a. It's a test to see just how into her you are. This is judged by your willingness to play this stupid game; respond to her like panting puppy, and you might be getting somewhere...but not very far.

b. It's a test to see just how into you she is. Refuse to play her game, and you're toast. But, she will be nice about it and let you pick up the check, anyways.

In both cases, it's all about what She can get out of You. She's a selfish cunt, best given a wide berth, and perhaps a punch in the mouth.

Next, the Dates....Or, at least, the best of them so far.

No comments: