Monday, September 06, 2010

My Plans for World Domination Continue Apace...

Blogger recently, and very conveniently, added a slew of new tools for it's member sites. These tools revolve around letting you know who is reading your blog, where they are reading it from, and how they found you. Before Blogger added these things, I had to go through some convoluted mumbo-jumbo -- and sacrifice a virgin -- in order to get this information.

It was a regal pain in the ass, and I'm guessing now,was not always totally accurate. We won't even get into the problems inherent in finding virgins; never mind Bald Eagles and Bengal Tigers, it's Virgins that are a rapidly disappearing species.

I blame Snooki -- and those commercials where the mother and daughter talk freely about "not feeling fresh". But, I digress...

Anyways, one of the more interesting features of this new bundle of crap is that I get to "see" my readers, by country, on a small, color-coded map of the world. It also tells me how they arrived at my site; whether they are regulars to Blogger, ride a link from another site, or find it with an internet search engine.

This information has been startling. I had no idea.

I wasn't all that surprised to discover that the majority of my "hits" come from readers in the United States; better than half of them do. I was shocked to discover that the next best-represented country was The Netherlands, followed closely by South Korea. Probably folks looking to brush up on their American swear words, I suppose.

The list continues, and surprises: Latvia, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Brazil, Australia, Canada, Germany, the UK, Denmark, China, France, Columbia, and even fucking Luxembourg. I'm reaching Luxembourg, where about four people live, and three of them are coming here regularly.

I'm also finding out that most people still find this place quite by accident. I haven't done a very good job of getting other bloggers to cross-link to me, but then again, I really hate to ask them to do so, and so rarely ever do. Perhaps if I did, I might find traffic from Mongolia, Lichtenstein and Borneo. Then again, if I was receiving traffic from those places, I'd start to worry -- it would mean there are people just as stupid-crazy as I am, and they live in even bigger shitholes; a certain recipe for disaster!

And of those who find this blog completely by accident, say through a search engine? It seems the four most popular search terms that will bring you here are:

a) Douchebag (naturally!)

b) Muslims/Islam/Terrorism (a three-way tie)

c) Masturbation (and it's associated terms)

d) Medicine

Don't ask me why; but I think I may have referenced masturbation a time or two. I actually find that pretty funny in a 13-year-old kinda way. Oh, and you people should be ashamed of yourselves -- that will cause you to go blind. I also find it stupid-funny that someone on this planet would type"douchebag" into a search engine -- repeatedly -- without being a deviant, or drunk,and possibly both.

But, it appears as if my brand of insanity is reaching around the globe, and soon my minions will be legion -- at which point, I can fire the lot of Insanity Elves here at Lunatic Central, and not a minute too soon: they're demanding Dental, Swifty the E-Mail Elf is complaining about the sticky e-mails I get (probably from the masturbators), and Lefty the Grammar Elf is agitating for unionization like a latter-day Jimmy Hoffa huffing paint.

I just want to say: Thanks -- it's all pretty neat!

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