Saturday, September 25, 2010

You People Are Sick...

I really must thank Blogger. For while getting money that you've earned for posting Blogads may be a task on par with the Labors of Hercules, they at least have provided me with a nifty set of webtools that have provided several hours of unbridled entertainment.

I think I've mentioned this before: Blogger now provides some web analysis tools for it's bloggers that allows them access to certain kinds of information about their readers/visitors. So, I can tell where a visitor to this website comes from (country of origin), how they got here (search engine, crosslink from another website), and what search terms they used to eventually get here.

This information more than makes up in entertainment value whatever cash Blogger still owes me, but makes impossible to collect; keep it! I haven't laughed this hard or this much in years, and the laughter probably has a better therapeutic value than all the cash in the world! I've also puked more than any anorexic ever could, and have shed a pound or two.

Screw Jenny Craig; if you want to shed some pounds, checkout what some excuses for human beings are doing on the internet!

Some of this is just plain disturbing. Having access to some of this information makes me wonder about the future of the human race, and quite frankly, about whether or not this planet would be better off without us, or at least a few selected segments of the population.

The militant tree huggers just might be on to something...

To illustrate: the top search term (what you type into Google or Bing that might point you to this page) seems to be "donkeysexe". Let me assure you; this is not a typo. At first, I thought it might have been, but it isn't because it occurs far too often for it be an accident. Then I dug a little deeper (yeah, the thought of digging deeper into the realm of "donkeysexe" scared me, too), and what do you think I found?

The majority of the people who search the web for "donkeysexe" and arrive at this page come from...wait for it...the Middle East. Except for that truly disturbed person in Lichtenstein, and the obviously-undersexed asshole in Medicine Hat, the majority of the donkeysexe requests came from Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Dubai, and Turkey. The reason it's spelled the way it is, is probably because the Islamic censors in those countries have filtered the probably-more-accurate term "donkeysex", and the addition of the extra "e" spoofs the filters.

Now, having used the term at least 10 times in this screed, I can most likely expect far more visits from members of the "Pro-Human/Burro Relationships Community".

I wasn't even going to type the term in myself, just to see what this was all about, because, quite frankly, Ive heard the tales of drunken Spring Break vacations in Tijuana, and I don't want to know anything more.

I found this phenomenon both fascinating and disgusting. Fascinating because I have long believed that part of the problem of Islamic terrorism was to be found in sexual problems and dysfunction, and this pretty much proves it,to me at least. It's disgusting in the sense that we have perhaps millions of Islamic douchebags running around with a penchant for bestiality.

The next item on the agenda of "You people are sick" is the search terms "epiduo and low sex drive/low testosterone".

I have written about Epiduo in my Bad Medicine series. It is a skin cream used to treat severe acne. Apparently, it also takes the lead out of your pencil, steals the wind from your sails, and knocks the starch out of your collar. Actually, I don't know if it really does, I just wanted to string together a few metaphors that described impotence.

Anyways, this whole association brought a thought into my head (where it quickly died of loneliness); I cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing anyone walking about lately with the sort of severe acne that was pretty common when I was a kid. I mean, I don't see anyone with that horrific red-purple moon cratering that one of my generation associates with acne. Not a single "Pizza Face". Haven't seen one in years, that I can remember.

One reason may be that because of medications like Epiduo millions have been spared that kind of scarring. But now, come to think of it, the association of acne medication and low sex drive probably contains a far better explanation: there might still be millions of people with acne, but they can't procreate as easily as they used to. Bad Acne is being slowly bred out of the population! Talk about good news/bad news: you're face is now fit to be seen in public, but your pelvis bazooka is on the fritz! Personally, I'd keep the acne, if only to make sure my Wedding Tackle was in proper working order, and besides, women today practically throw pussy at anything with a heartbeat 24 hours a day.

Another disturbing trend: the number of people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to type "douchebag" into a search engine. Several score of you each week, by the look of things. Unfortunately, I'm going to attract this type of person to this site if only because that happens to be one of my favorite derogatory terms, but I would suggest that those of you who find this wildly entertaining perhaps should seek professional help.

You certainly are not going to get any tips about how to recover that feminine sense of "freshness" (wtf, are we talking about a salad or your crotch?) here.

Which brings us to our last "most unusual" search term. For the life of me, I can't figure out how this applies to this website, because I don't think I've ever covered the subject in nearly seven years of blogging. That term is: caught jerking off. Someone is typing that into Google or, and arriving here. Several times a day. I think they're leaving sadly disappointed.

I didn't want to, but the opportunity to gain yet another insight into how fucked up people are led me to do a cursory investigation of this topic, and the revelation was disgusting enough to cause my testicles to retract into my chest cavity (waiting for that one to show up in the report next week), as if they were desperately seeking emergency shelter from some great, impending doom.

Apparently, this is a Gay Thing. Gay Men all over the planet are seeking videos in which someone is caught Greasing the Pelican in a public setting, and deriving sexual pleasure from both the act, and the disgust/shame created when they're caught by their unsuspecting witnesses/victims. Personally, I don't see the appeal of Choking the Chicken in your cubicle, Working The Wang on public transport, or standing behind some Dude on line in a McDonald's somewhere with your John Thomas in hand, just praying that these activities will be caught on closed-circuit video, to be dispatched for the deviant entertainment of others across the World-Wide-Web.

If I caught you doing anything like that near me, I'd fucking kill you on the spot. And there isn't a court in the land, I think, that would convict me. Except maybe in San Francisco.

It is difficult to form a positive opinion of one's fellow beings when confronted by documentary evidence of just how truly sick some of you are.

But I have to admit, it's funny as hell.

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