Five Reasons Why Rick Perry is a Major Douche...

I have an almost visceral dislike of Texas Governor and Presidential hopeful Rick Perry. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I actually hate the man, because I don't know him personally. Rather, my dislike is based upon certain politically-motivated factors which manifest whenever the man appears on television.

Here are Five Reasons why I believe Rick Perry is a Major Douche:

1. Rick Perry is Everything The Left said George W. Bush Was:

Rick Perry does not appear to be any of the following:

a. Smart enough to be President.
b. Prepared to answer even the simplest of direct questions during a debate.
c. Serious enough to at least give the appearance that he truly wants and can do the job.
d. Engaged intellectually in the vital issues of the day.

Rick Perry apparently can't speak a solitary sentence without contradicting himself, invoking the deity, or displaying an ability to grasp or convey even the simplest of details. Remember the Left's portrayal of George W. Bush as a simple-minded, frat-boyish, Cowboy who mangled the English language? Compared to Rick Perry, GWB is Winston Churchill, Cicero, and Daniel Webster, combined.

Perry comes off  as a stuttering dunce, unable to see the contradictions inherent within his own utterances and positions. One  cannot be a conservative, you see, and at the same time insist that the government has the right to order pre-teen girls to be vaccinated against their parent's will, or that the proper role of the federal government is in right smack-dab in the middle of someone's abortion. One cannot claim the mantle of 'the real conservative in this race' while simultaneously defending certain aspects of illegal immigration and calling for the taxpayer to continue pick up the tab for educating the children of illegal immigrants.

Perry is clueless, as the recent Niggerhead teapot-tempest-scandal should have made clear. Even in the 1980's, it should have been painfully obvious to the dimmest, ass-backwards Texan with political aspirations that even second-or-third-hand association with anything associated with the N-word should have been avoided like typhus. The only reason one might assume that Perry didn't see that association with a place called Niggerhead might have been bad news for a 'conservative' (small 'c' intentional) politician is that Perry, quite possibly, can't read.

Perry's call for a flat tax is, indeed, welcome, but again he's short on actual details. According to most experts on the subject, Perry's tax plan leaves the federal government $1 trillion short of it's core obligations and Perry has not been forthcoming about what he would cut out of the federal budget to make up that shortfall (because that would mean announcing cuts which the Dimwits and his opponents could criticize all day and night, naturally, which Perry would then have to defend, intellectually). One gets the distinct impression that Perry and his people assume it's simply enough to suggest a tax reform platform and that this should suffice.

One last thing about Perry's intelligence and acumen: apparently Perry does so poorly in answering questions in a debate format that his campaign has decided to forego debates, wherever possible, going forward. This would indicate that Perry is a pussy-ass retard who can't think on his feet, and who runs scared when it comes to standing up to the scrutiny a presidential candidate must endure.

2. Perry is not even a Real Republican:

In fact, he was a democrat (small 'd' intentional) who changed party allegiances so as to become George W. Bush's Lieutenant Governor. It looks to me that Perry still hasn't forgotten that he was once a democrat when it comes to his positions on certain issues (See HPV vaccinations and illegal immigration, above), which leads one to the conclusion that Perry can't tell his Left from his Right, in both the political sense, and in the literal sense (see 'intelligence' above).

Perry's not even a 'real' conservative (small 'c' intentional), either, mostly for the reasons listed above. In fact, the only thing 'conservative' about Rick Perry, perhaps, is his constipated brand of religious faith which he wears upon his sleeve, and brandishes at every opportunity. This is, in my opinion, the only reason Perry is able to stay in the race; he resonates with those who's religious beliefs trump their reason. It's the only way to explain how Perry became a 'frontrunner' within 24 hours of announcing his candidacy; while Bachmann, Gingrich, Paul and the others were up in Iowa pumping hands and dishing out BBQ and cornbread, Perry was getting himself photographed at massive prayer meetings, the Evangelical version of a Nuremberg Rally.

Perry, politically, is a contradiction, but one that is not exactly an uncommon one in many Republican circles unfortunately. So long as he espouses the correct religious beliefs, he's superior to anyone else in the minds of the like-minded people who perhaps make up about 25% of the Republican base.

3. Rick Perry is the Establishment's Choice:

Because Perry has a certain pedigree (governor of a large state, followed a republican into office, prays like a maniac, can raise money from the braindead who believe in an Invisible Man in the Sky like Billy Graham does), he is the Establishment GOP's choice for an eventual nominee. He has, so to speak, punched all the right tickets, kissed all the right backsides, parroted the right slogans, regurgitated all the right positions.

About the only thing that makes Rick Perry distinguishable in 'conservative' (small 'c' intentional) circles from, say, Ronald Reagan, is that Reagan, at least, had some real talents. Perry is, as they say, slightly Reaganesque, but only on the basis of shallow appearances (i.e. democrat who switched parties, perceived economic conservative, holds the right social views, makes a show of religion, says the right things when they need to be said, although in Perry's case, these things are fed to him by his minions rather than being the products of his own intellect). And herein is the major problem with certain aspects of Today's GOP.

Some in the GOP want Reagan to return in the same way they want Jesus to return. In fact, the entire GOP meme of 'The Next Reagan' is not so much political as much as it seems religious. Everyone wants The Savior to return to lead the People into the Promised Land. Reagan and Jesus, alas, are dead. There will never be another like them and Rick Perry, in my opinion, couldn't even aspire to be a pimple on Ronnie's wrinkled gray ass. But, Perry is, accoridng to some who are supposed to be running things, the Next Best Thing to Reagan, an assumption I find highly suspect.

Much the same Messianic Complex was on display with the adoration of Scott Brown, who, it later turned out, was about as 'conservative' as Ted Kennedy, and who, ultimately, failed to hand the GOP a victory in the Healthcare Debacle when the other side neutralized his potentially-decisive vote with a tortured parliamentary maneuver.

Quite frankly, Perry simply is the formulaic candidate; he's a Southern Christian, governor of a Southern State, who talks a good game about religion, conservatism, and holds onto the stupendously ridiculous notion that Hispanics are the 'natural' allies of the GOP because of their supposed Family Values. Hispanics might hate abortion and gay marriage just as much as the next snake-handling Baptist, but they'll vote democrat just as soon as the border is mined and patrolled by helicopter gunships with orders to open fire on anything that moves, or if it promises an expansion of the Welfare State in their direction.

The Establishbment GOP holds such a weirdly contradictory position on the subject of Illegal Immigration -- i.e. it patronizes Illegal Aliens at the same time it screams about Border Security and the value of citizenship -- that makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever, and this entails making compromises that cannot withstand ideological scrutiny.

In a way, the Establishment wants what they perceive as the best parts of the Hispanic mindset -- aspects the GOP sees forming a natural alliance of convenience in the wider Culture War, paired with the ability to work like a sled dog for mean wages  -- while at the same time demonizing the Illegal Immigrant as an expensive pest who brings with him crime, disease, the bugaboo of multiculturalism, and government bloat. GWB did this dance very well, and the fawning divorced-from-reality adoration of Marco Rubio (someone who, frankly, hasn't yet achieved anything noteworthy) is yet another symptom of this love-hate relationship with Hispanics, which is little more than a grudging admission that demographics makes it necessary, sometimes, to kiss Hispanic ass. But not too much...

Perry embodies this contradiction quite nicely. It oozes out of every fucking pore in his body, and as the Governor of a Border State, Perry is infinitely familiar with how to dance to this particular tune.

4. Rick Perry is a Raging Doofus:

One need only see the...I guess you can call it a speech... he gave in New Hampshire the other day to notice this. Seriously, does anyone want a President who can behave like a stoned-out, skateboarding slacker? There was no difference between Perry at that podium and half the turds wasting their time getting high at an Occupy Wall Street rally.

And even this particular aspect of Perry's personality has little to do with (lack of) intelligence; it's almost symptomatic of how the man comports himself and approaches serious issues. I've heard various explnations of Perry's behavior the other day, and they ran the gamut from 'punch-drunk from a long day' to 'lubricated'. Ask yourself this: would you want your X-box playing, knit-cap wearing, hacky-sack-carrying kid to be President of the United States, with his fingers on the nuclear buttons? If your answer is 'yes', then go out and vote for Perry, but don't come back crying to me. I warned you.

Seriously?

5. We DO have other choices, you know:

And many of them make far more sense and espouse far more conservative (and base republican) positions than Perry.

Mitt Romney is not my first choice...for anything...but he at least has the intelligence to frame the race, thus far, in terms of the most important issue facing the American Public and that is the economy and putting people back to work. He has at least put forward a prospective agenda on paper.

Newt Gingrich, hands down, is always the smartest guy in the room, and has the legislative experience and historical perspective to enact an agenda which turns this country 180 degrees. He has at least put forth a prospective agenda on paper.

Herman Cain has a proven track record of success in the private sector, is an affable and respectable figure, and has the singular distinction of being the only non-professional politician in the race, We need fewer politicians and more thinkers and doers. He has, also, at least put forward a prospective agenda on paper.

As for the other GOP contenders, quite frankly, they leave much to be desired, being little more than the mouthpieces of single-issue voters, or of a smaller-but-still-vocal ideological point of view. Rick Perry falls somewhere in the middle of all of this, which is to say that Perry is not really all that distinctive, and quite frankly, that should frighten you.

Rick Perry is simply not a Presidential contender, in my opinion, and a vote for him is a vote for more of the same, only with The Lord's Prayer and a goofy laugh attached.

Next: Five Reasons Why Ron Paul Should STFU.