The Lunatic Will Be Back Shortly....

Apologies for lack of activity, but the Lunatic has been extremely busy this past month. A new stream of mental diarrhea is on track for next week. Stay tuned!

Douchebag of the Week (1/25/14): Governor Andrew Cuomo

There's an old saying in these parts, that is, on Staten Island, the Forgotten Borough of New York City, that the "apple does not fall far from the tree."

In our crankier and less-forgiving moments, this saying is often modified thusly:

"The turd doesn't fall far from the asshole..."

Oh, how we have been blessed here in New York State! We have had the distinct pleasure (about as pleasurable as having your ass shaved with a cheese grater and then having lemon juice poured on the wound) of living under the enlightened despotism of two Cuomos. First, there was Mario (the Asshole), and now, we suffer under the misguided stupidity that is the regime led by his son, Andrew (The Turd).

A Tale of Two Kitties...

I have to do it this way, Kiddies, because otherwise Libtards don't understand. I've discovered recently that a Libtard manages to just barely grasp a simple notion if you present it graphically, and if you can include cat pictures, they love it even more.

Now, I know that people are not the same as cats, but bear with me, because I have to explain a thing or two about these animals before I make my argument. Perhaps after this little explanation, the analogy will start to make sense. The cat on the Left  (below) is a pampered housecat. The one on the Right  (below) is a feral cat, and yes, my use of Left and Right does have a specific point, and that will become crystal clear as I get to the end of this little screed.

The pictures of the two felines below are a metaphor for American Life:

Douchebag of the Week (12/13/13): John Boehner...

We haven't handed out many DOW awards recently, what with the only possible winner being our President it hardly seemed worth the effort, but yesterday was a different story.

For yesterday, Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner did something so fantastically stupid that it almost vies for the top spot on the Douchiest Things Any Human Being Could EVER Do In Order To Be Considered The Biggest Douche In The Universe List.

145 Reasons Why Liberals Suck...

My, how far we have come! It seems like only yesterday (I believe it was 2003) when this meme began here on this site with a short list of 50 Reasons Why Liberals Suck, and the last decade has proven -- once again -- that liberalism (small 'l' intentional) is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Like AIDS.

This new fusillade of anti-Libtard observations was prompted by a website (which shall remain nameless, because it's a virtual internet sewer of stupidity) that re-posted one of the earlier iterations of it without my permission nor a back-link, violating, at the very least, internet etiquette rules, which resulted in my mailbox being jammed with angry and derisive e-mails from people who are happy to tell you that while they appreciate and wish to defend Free Speech, what I've posted equates to a permission slip for any crackpot to kill a liberal on sight, and as such, should be condemned as Hate Speech for having the potential to incite violence.

You can read the last iteration of this list here. For now, the new-and-improved list has been bolstered by the addition of 20 new maxims about liberals and their wrong-headed policies. Without further ado, here are 145 reasons Why Liberals Suck.

The Circular Firing Squad...

Darwin was wrong.

The idea that living organisms evolve in order to take advantage of the circumstances of their environment, and adapt to changing conditions in order to assure the survival of the species, is belied by the existence of a certain subsection of the American electorate which is apparently so stupid and so stubborn that they are doing everything in their power to ensure their own disappearance.

And in the process, make life hell for everyone else.

This strange creature, which seemingly has embraced suicide as a strategy, is a certain brand of person who goes by a most deceptive, inaccurate, and self-bestowed appellation.

They call themselves "True Conservatives".

The GROFT Principle...

Back in the days when I was a young computer operator, I had a supervisor who, for lack of a better term, was a southern redneck. I mean a real hillbilly plowboy, a tobacco-chewin’, country-music singin’, flannel-wearin’, swaggerin’ farmboy from the inbred regions of South Carolina (which covers about 96% of the state). Why, he was so Southern he pissed moonshine and crapped fried chicken.

But that’s beside the point. In retrospect, nearly 30 years later he turns out to have been one of the smartest people I have ever met. He typically would use a colorful turn of phrase to get a point across (“Why, that boy looks as nervous as a whore in church…”, “That generator ain’t turnin’ out enough power to pull a greasy string from a whore’s ass…”. Harry was obsessed with whores, but this was how he talked), but that was only ever a means to an end. He knew that if you wanted people to remember something, you had to give it them in a way that they would remember it -- so that it would stick.

Orwell Never Sleeps...

To Quote Orwell:

"He who controls the Past, controls the Future. He who controls the Present controls the Past."

Liberals understand history very well. They just have a different view as to how it is to be used. While Conservatives see history as something solid and immutable which is useful in teaching lessons, the Liberal sees history as a lump of clay which can be reshaped and remolded many times over, and always, for a political purpose.

The Liberal must ALWAYS seek to re-write history. As an example: Barack Obama said, thousands of documented times, that if you liked your health plan and doctor, you could keep them under Obamacare. It was necessary to tell this lie in order to assuage public fear of a government takeover of health care (a political motive).

Now, when we know the truth, revisionist history kicks in: What Obama REALLY said, say the Libs, is that you could keep your old plan and doctor unless they failed to adopt the public mandates of the ACA, which they knew all along were poison pills. Note the rewriting of history before your very eyes: there was a nuance added three years after the fact, and they insist that it was always there, in plain sight.

Now, the fact that a bald-faced lie was told and the liar was caught doesn't mean anything, in a historical sense, to your average Libtard. They have been trained (indoctrinated) in the public schools and universities, and conditioned by the mass media, to forget that which is inconvenient immediately and then to deny it ever existed (Orwell called this Doublethink), and so far as the true believers and idiots are concerned, the lie will pass into historical truth, if you repeat it enough to numb what's left of their tiny little minds.

History exists in only two places, Orwell said -- in written records and in human memories. Academics, who will one day write the history of this time, are predominantly leftard, and so they will most likely write the leftard (politically-acceptable) version of history that shows them to have been right and prescient. The modern media (which is unapologetically leftist) controls minds -- no one in this country is ever away from the reach of leftist propaganda for more than a few hours, at most, per day -- shapes opinion, memory, tastes, and thought patterns on a daily basis, and shares much the same view as the academics.

And the good little liberal wanders about in a stupor, as he has been failed by both academics and media who have neglected to do their primary job of giving him unbiased education and information to help him make his choices, has the short-term memory of a garden slug.

Now you know.

Poor People Suck, Part III...

...the Halloween Edition.

I usually hate Halloween. As a kid, I guess I found it pretty cool -- free candy! -- but as the years passed and I got older, I found the whole idea of dressing up in costumes, partying until I puked, and putting on an extra 15 pounds of Butterfinger fat something not worth the time and effort.

And then there's all the stupid little chores that go with celebrating Halloween -- carving Jack-o-Lanterns, putting up macabre decorations, and the subsequent cleanup after both -- that make this holiday a royal pain in the posterior. I feel the same way about Christmas, on a certain level; I hate putting up Christmas trees, and decorating them, and getting up on ladders to staple strings of lights to the house. I cannot stand life-sized plastic Santas (with reindeer) that light up and have this creepy, Made-in-China sound box that makes Santa's Ho-Ho-Ho! sound like your grandfather suddenly remembering he has a hernia.

Although I must say, I DO enjoy dressing up as Santa for the little kids in my family, and for my cousin's friends, which I have done for many years. Go figure.

A Friendly Letter to Evangelical Christians...

Dear Evangelical Douchebags,

This is to inform you that I will no longer defend you in any political arguments that I have with Libtarded Obamabots. You have shown, by your otherwise inexplicable reluctance to vote for Mitt Romney in the last Presidential Election -- probably because Pastor Bob told you he was a Mormon, and thus, the next, best thing to a devil worshiper -- that you are no longer worthy of the effort.

By staying home on Election Day, you allowed the agents of the Anti-Christ (Obama and the democratic party) to win.Your inability to let your good sense override the dictates of your phony-baloney religion has allowed Evil to prosper, and in the process, you have failed in your responsibilities to your country and your fellow Man.

I hope that make-believe God that you grovel and give money to is busy striking your names off the Rapture list as we speak.

I used to defend you, even if I didn't agree with you, to Libtards, but no more. There is no defense for what you have done, and now the rest of us will have to suffer for your "principles". No wonder the Romans wanted you dead.

Please kindly take those Bibles you thump and thrust in people's faces and shove them up your collective ass. Sideways. I hope your rectums bleed from the massive number of papercuts that the book of Revelations alone should inflict.

I hate to have to say this, but Julian Bond was correct -- there is a Taliban Wing in the GOP, and they sat home on Election Day. They have done more damage to this country than the real Taliban ever could.

Fuck You and Have a Nice Day.

Signed,

The Lunatic