Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Oh, Tiger, You're SCREWED...

ESPN TV is reporting that a blond woman was taken from Tiger Woods' home this morning, and taken to a local hospital "on advanced life-support". I don't know what the hell that means, as I would assume that any sort of life support would be 'advanced', but I'm not a medical professional. Anyway, no sooner do Hannah Storm and the forty-three other 'reporters' covering this story get you all worked up about the potentially-salacious details of Elin's apparent suicide attempt (well, let's be fair; they do present what little they truly know in a way that activates the dramatic impulse in your brain)...and they tell you that so-close-to-death-she-needed-'advanced'-life-support-mystery-blond...has been released from the hospital.


Then it gets kinda...weird (like this isn't already?). Creepy weird.

The cameras caught the woman being taken out of the ambulance (they always manage to somehow get to the E.R. before the ambulance, don't they? Next time i need a hospital, I'm calling my local TV station to transport me there), and it looked like his wife. To me, anyway, and from a distance. ESPN says that it cannot confirm that Elin Nordegren was on that gurney, since she has an identical twin sister (Good Lord! There's two of them walking around? Bless their parents!) who also happens to be visiting. There's a report of a third blond on the scene, this one unidentified, but it's safe to say she probably isn't one of Tiger's paramours. In any case, who knew Tiger kept a herd of Nordic blonds on his property?

And then Fox Sports posts this, as an adjunct to the whole mysterious-blond-in-deadly-peril theme:

"This comes on the heels of yesterday's report that a witness told a Florida trooper that Woods had been drinking alcohol earlier in the day before he crashed his SUV, according to a police report. The same witness, who wasn't identified in the report, also said Woods had been prescribed two drugs, Ambien and Vicodin."

Ooops. Got another semi-apologetic-yet-ever-so-snotty diatribe for your website, Tiger? You might need it.

"Impairment of the driver is also suspected due to the careless driving that resulted in the traffic crash," trooper Joshua Evans wrote in the report dated Nov. 30 that was released by the State Attorney General's office."

Ya think, Officer?

The report also notes that the State's Attorney General refused to investigate the reports of substance abuse being a factor in the accident, or even being investigated because of "a lack of evidence..."

I wonder how the AG explains that one; the Trooper on the scene reports one thing, the AG reports another, both in writing. Perhaps now we might speculate as to why Tiger didn't talk to anyone for several days, maybe?

UPDATE: ESPN's on-screen crawl indicates that the witness who used the words "drinking", "Vicodin" amd "Ambien", might have been Tiger's own wife. My word, but who knew the world of golf could be so sordid?

* The woman on the gurney turns out to have been Tiger's Mother-in-law. And the number of Other Women involved is now approaching double digits. No wonder the guy clammed up!

* Also, internet rumor states that Ambien is believed to be a super-duper sexual enhancer. I have absolutely no idea if this is true, and I do not advocate that you go try to obtain some for this purpose. Not that this is really important, but it might explain why Tiger's dalliances seem to be legion. Additionally, Ambien has a known side-effect of sleepwalking, or sleep-driving, which is quite common, which might explain the accident. I've yet to find anything on the combination of Ambien, Vicodin and an 8-iron to the side of the head, but I'm certain that ain't such a great thing.

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