About Charlie Sheen...

Sometimes, when you take a certain position on a subject you have to expect that there will occasionally arise circumstances which either blow your stance to smithereens, or which thrusts you into the curious conundrum of having to split rhetorical hairs in order to justify your viewpoint. For example, I have, on this page, tried to make distinctions between, say, Mohammed Atta and Jared Lee Loughner (one the 9/11 'leader; and the other the Arizona lunatic who shot Rep. Giffords this past January). Both have committed murder, and the immediatly-obvious differences between the two are the scale of their heinous crimes and the motivations behind them.

Atta was a religious fanatic, pumped up on the Islamic propaganda that blames Western Culture for the plight of hapless Arabs (instead of, say, the totalitarian mindset, seventy generations of inbreeding, the sheep-shagging, and a bad mixture of politics and religion), and Loughner was a known nutjob who could find no help in a country with the best healthcare system ever known to mortal men.

I make no excuses for the actions of either. There are no excuses for either, however, I can (and often do) make the following, important distinction; Atta was a trained killer -- a volunteer -- who went into his kamikaze mission convinced of the righteousness of his cause, and the correctness of his method, while Loughner is probably a schizophrenic; before Loughner went off and killed six people and wounded a dozen more, he was simply a very sick man that the "System" (the mental health services, the courts, the Police) -- not to mention his own family -- utterly failed. Had Jared Loughner gotten the same attention as Charlie Sheen at some point in his miserable life, six people might still be alive, and Gabby Giffords would have one less hole in her head.

If Mohammed Atta had found at least one blond with no self-esteem, taste, or gag reflex, there would probably still be two buildings sitting over the 19-acre hole in Lower Manhattan.

People who read this blog regularly ask me how it is that I can make excuses or distinctions for murderers, to which I reply: I most certainly don't, in the sense that I don't try to explain away the actual crimes that they commit. What I have done is simply to state the following truths about people like Jared Loughner, the Discovery Channel gunman, the guy who flew his Cessna into the IRS building in Texas, et. al.

These people have serious medical problems. Their issues are often well-known to the people around them, who never seem to actually do anything to help these guys before they go off, but then in the aftermath will tell any douchebag with a microphone that they knew he was a danger to others, and they were frightened by the prospect of his going ballistic, but never seem to have cared enough to actually take any meaningful actions which would have saved someone's life. But when you state opinions your detractors are always looking to turn whatever you say or write upside down in order to advance their agendas...or, maybe they're really just very poor readers who just don't (want to) understand what I've written...and so the next time someone goes off they want to know what you have to say about THAT, Mr. Defender of the Mentally Unstable?

And so we come to the curious case of Charlie Sheen.

I was hoping to avoid this topic for the simple fact that while Sheen obviously has issues (you have to be a democrat or an Irish Setter to miss them), there is a fine distinction to be made between him and the Jared Lee's and "Crazy Pat" Sherrill's (the Original Post Office Shooter) of this world; Sheen's problems are, probably, mostly self-inflicted wounds. The schizos and the psychotics are born that way and they can't help themselves. People who do enormous amounts of cocaine, bang porn actresses (and really, who in their right mind would? They've only been liberally painted, inside and out, by the jizz of a thousand men. The thought is so disgusting that I'd rather bang Hillary -- twice, with my eyes open, too -- than take a swing at any of those whores), and spend three-day weekends on a drug-and booze-fueled bender that either ends in an exploded ticker, or AIDS, or a combination of both.

Do not equate the Caligula-like excesses of Charlie Sheen with the plight of the seriously mentally ill. While there may be some indications of (minor) mental illness present in Sheen (and his Comrade in Porn-Star Excess, Tiger Woods), the real issues for him appear to revolve around poor impulse control and extreme narcissism. That is NOT the same as some dude born with a poorly-wired brain or a genetic defect that will eventually see him talking to his neighbor's Wiemeraner and coming to the conclusion that the best way to bag Jodie Foster is to shoot at the President of the United States.

Charlie Sheen isn't so much mentally ill as he is someone who's probably never been told "NO". He's living proof that certain personality traits -- which of themselves usually offer no direct threat to anyone -- combined with the ability to actually FINANCE the worst excesses you might imagine, can combine to create a monster. Charlie Sheen would probably be 'cured' if someone just took his fucking credit cards away, denied him access to his bank account for a while, and placed him in an environment where he could not exercise his piss-poor judgement. Given time, the thrills of cocaine and threesomes with extremely-well-used concubines would probably disappear. With the benefit of hindsight and sobriety, Sheen would eventually come around to the idea -- on his own -- that he's been nothing short of a complete ass.

I've seen the interviews: That man is still high, fucking wired, and I don't care how many 'drug tests' he says he's passed in recent weeks. People who are clean and sober don't talk at supersonic speed, don't express ideas that would strike the average person as incredibly bizarre, and aren't convinced that they're Superman and ready to do it all over again -- if only you'll leave him alone. The clean-and-sober also don't cry about being wanting to be left alone while simultaneously begging every swinging dick with a video camera to come and interview them. Charlie Sheen is simply a drug addict with a rather high opinion of himself and more money than most small nations available to boundlessly finance his stupidity; he's not on the same plane as someone who finally gives in to The Voices and shoots up their HomeEc class.

Now, I can't claim to have special knowledge of Charlie, personally. I just recognize the symptoms of his particular collection of issues. The first of these is that he probably has no self-esteem whatsoever, and the string of high-priced-courtesans-with-even-less-self-esteem are merely the first clue. He spends the majority of his time in these recent interviews beating his own chest, posturing, extolling his supposed virtues, bragging. He's proud of what he's 'accomplished' , i.e. ingesting enough cocaine to kill a woolly mammoth and surviving, and making a public spectacle of himself. He truly isn't, though; it's all bravado. Somewhere in his head is the thought "I'm worthless" and the coke-drenched soirees are both escape and deathwish being played out simultaneously. I know this because I've had the same relationship with Rye Whiskey, Tequila and a certain recreational plant in my own life. I look at Charlie and shake my head; been there, done that. The only difference is that I never had the sort of bank account one normally equates with an Oil Sheik, or I might have died a long time ago.

He really wants to destroy himself, on some level, I think, but just doesn't have the courage to put a gun to his head, step out in front of a moving freight train, or jump off a bridge. He's either hoping the booze, drugs and chicks will erase the feeling of helplessness and worthlessness, or, if he's really lucky, take him out without him having to take any action whatsoever. Mostly, it's a front designed to get attention and sympathy. More than likely, he's hoping to 'kill' this version of Charlie Sheen, thinking there's another Charlie beneath it all, misunderstood, unheeded, just itching to bust loose...if only we'll take the time, and give him enough attention, to drag it out. It's a game; Charlie wants us to peel back all his complex layers, all the while putting up a show of resistance. This behavior is probably subconsciously designed to lead him to some tragic event which serves as the "time to grow the fuck up moment" which releases the 'real' Charlie.

Sheen's underlying mental (so-called) 'illnesses' are treatable, but never really 'curable'. Most of these problems are solved with simple behavior modification. Feeling sorry for one's self, narcissism, poor impulse control, craving attention (even negative attention) stupidity and an unerring ability to consistently make the wrong decisions are simple character flaws -- not illnesses. The Psychiatric Establishment has a vested interest in classifying such things as diseases because otherwise it would go bankrupt, and have no reason to exist. It's one thing to 'cure' you of your fingernail biting, addiction to smoking, or poor social graces -- those are the easy ones that don't even involve any actual medicine be practiced at all -- it's an altogether different thing to 'cure' someone who hallucinates without drugs, or who is convinced the Pope is sending him coded messages through his fillings that Piers Morgan is the Anti-Christ. There is no (permanent) medical regime for that, no matter how much the Pshrinks would like you to believe the contrary.

Modern Mental Medicine understands the underlying factors inherent in bad behavior and how to change them; it knows comparatively jack-shit about the inner-workings of a healthy human brain -- let alone one that is laboring under the weight of schizophrenia or psychosis.

But then again, Sigmund Freud was a cocaine addict, too. And he's their God. But, I digress...

You can get over your anxiety disorder or drunkenness by modifying your behavior or recognizing when you're about to do something stupid and taking positive action, but those are not options when you're truly sick. When you're really ill, the only options psychiatric medicine can offer you is either some 'wonder pill' that even the experts will admit to you that they can't explain how, or why, it works, brain surgery, or long-term commitment to a facility, and even all of those options are largely a hit-or-miss affair. Sheen doesn't have a mental illness; he's just a a great, big, full-of-himself douchebag.

So, for all of you jerkoffs filling my mailbox with "Why don't you defend Charlie Sheen, the Obvious Mental Patient, with the same fervor and feeling with which you defended the man who tried to assassinate Gabby Giffords" screeds, I can only reiterate:

The two cases are not comparable. Jared Loughner was/is a deranged man, suffering from a severe mental defect that cannot be cured by medical science, and who was made a pariah by a society that is quite happy to go through life expecting that 'someone' will 'do something' about him, and so spare them the necessity -- and personal inconvenience -- of having to take some responsibility for a sick son, brother, or friend, only to stand around shaking their heads in mock disbelief that the man they all knew was a ticking time-bomb would go berserk and start shooting up a supermarket parking lot.

Charlie Sheen, on the other hand, is just a douchebag with a large bank account, no self-discipline, and a huge ego that combined to become a perfect storm of stupid excess. The reason he gets attention before he does something that gets someone killed is because he's a celebrity, and somehow, in the Great Cosmic Code of Justice that I just don't understand, that makes him someone worth saving, and someone worthy of more sympathy than a would-be political assassin, right?

Fuck no! If all things were truly equal, Jared Loughner would have gotten the same attention Sheen has gotten -- before he killed and maimed -- without having to have been rich and famous. Celebrity Doctors would be rushing to treat Loughner's particular brand of crazy with the same breathless exuberance with which they try to explain away Sheen's on the Boob Tube. Loughner would have gotten the expensive course of 'treatment' (read; internment) that Sheen will no doubt retreat to when he finally tires of playing that 'leave-me-alone-no-come-bask-in-my-badass-self-routine' he's playing at now. Sheen, like Mohammed Atta, knows exactly what he's doing -- he's voluntered, in a sense, too.

There is no excuse for their actions -- whether it's murder or making a public spectacle of yourself -- but Loughner has this mitigating factor in his favor; he's truly sick in a way that medical science cannot comprehend, or effectively treat for very long. His course of 'rehab' now consists of an orange jumpsuit and ends with a lethal injection . Charlie Sheen is just plain sickening, and most --if not all --of his' illnesses' are probably just the result of his own stupidity, and his life will probably be saved.

Is Barack Obama a Socialist?

Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears and Boy Scouts shit in the woods? Is Bismark a Herring? Does Hillary Clinton have Thighbrows that can rival the Amazon for lush undergrowth? Is Lady Gaga an over-stylized representation of the simultaneously over-and-under-sexed-technologically-savvy-but-otherwise-mentally-sterile-youth of today? Would Tiger Woods fuck a rabid porcupine if you gave him enough Ambien and Jack Daniels, and dressed it up as a porn star?

If you have to even ask that original question, "Is Barak Obama A Socialist", then I have one of my own: what fucking rock have you been living under for the last three years?

Our British cousins, who have had some experience in this field, seem to think he's something far worse.

T'was Only a Matter of Time....

...before the porn-star Baby Mamas started coming out of the woodwork. Warning: some of this might not be safe for work. As if the man didn't have enough problems in his life, the Daily News goes and publishes 92 selected photos of his boot-knockin' partners in sexy poses.

If I were Tiger Woods, I'd be running back to the Fortress of Solitude that is rehab.

And if that wasn't bad enough, it only begins to get infinitely worse: there's more than one porn "actress" involved. and allegations are flying that some of these...ahem...choice conquests ...were given hush money, probably to keep quiet about the fact that -- off the golf course at least -- Tiger might swing both ways. Allegedly.

Now, I have no sympathy for Tiger Woods because his pain is mostly self-inflicted, and his oh-so-carefully-selected menagerie of paramours makes it crystal clear that he has (or had) a serious drug problem (people who aren't under the influence or insane do not make these sorts of choices, or attract this particular class of women). At some point, though, this could all end if the man would just disappear-- he has the money to do so -- but he just won't go away. The cost of that kind of ego is that his peccadilloes will be made public -- drip-drip-drip -- like a Chinese water torture.

You would expect that at some point common sense (and a sense of shame!) would kick in and Tiger would fade away, because the longer he stays in the spotlight -- or struggles to get back into it -- the more we'll be seeing this endless parade of pathetic gold-digging sluts, many with a reputation for deviant sexual practices involving unnatural violations perpetrated by multiple partners, which brings us all one step closer to the Apocalypse.

I'm a guy and even my "fuck-anything-that-moves-male-sexual-reflex" is repulsed by just the thought of some of the...festivities...these women have done to in order to "earn a living" in the porn "Industry"(yeah, like none of you has ever seen a porn video, right?)

You wonder who will win this race; will Tiger's perseverance, stubbornness and sense of entitlement, his steadfast belief that his "image" (and therefore, his fame and fortune) can be rehabilitated eventually be overtaken by the flood of embarrassing activities -- and personages -- that got him into this mess in the first place? Or are we watching the slow death-spiral of The Man Who Had it All But Threw It Away?

Who gives a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? I have my own problems to deal with, thank you.
This is still funny as hell, though.

UPDATE: Link to Tiger's Rogues Gallery of Tawdry Encounters fixed.

Douchebag of the Week (4/5/10): Tiger Woods...

Tiger's done it again! If it wasn't enough to cheat on his beautiful wife with everything with two tits and a heartbeat, he's gone and done it again with his latest bit of insanity; the claim that he was racially-harased on his first day of kindegarten.

In a book by Charles Barkley, Tiger claims he was accosted by a group of sixth graders on his first day of kindergarten, beaten up, tied to a tree, and had a racial epithet spray-painted upon his person. I heard this story once; it was used by Tawana Brawley, the fake-rape-victim and Al Sharpton cause celebre (who eventually converted to Islam, you know). Brawley claims she was abducted and raped, left in a black, plastic garbage bag, by "White cops" who scrawled "KKK" on her body -- with dog turds. It all turned out to be an elaborate ruse cooked up in the mind of a teenaged girl , desperate to avoid punishment for breaking curfew.

Brawley was eventually caught when her story didn't pan out, and because she made the elemental mistake of spelling 'KKK' incorrectly and upside down when she wrote it upon herself with canine waste. But that's the past...

Tiger claims this is something that has affected him deeply (I'm sure it would!), and I wouldn't be surprised if this eventually gets used as part of his litany of excuses for wandering off the marital rails and fucking all the White Trash In America. It might even be the first installment of the famous "I'm Black and Society is to Blame" defense, in which Tiger Woods, who has made a fetish out of not making a big deal out of his racial heritage, now makes a big deal out of his racial heritage in order to escape public scrutiny.

However, just like the Brawley Incident, the tied-to-a-tree-and-spraypainted-saga might not have ever happened, either.

No sooner is Tiger's recollection of disgusting racism against a helpless child made public than his former teacher, his former classmates and other former students, all go public to deny the allegations. The teacher even went as far as to hire Gloria Allred, the attorney who's also representing one of Woods' alleged mistresses, to defend her against any possible charges!
Gloria haunts your steps, Tiger, you poor bastard.

There's an old saying that says "when you find yourself in a deep hole, you'd better stop digging."

Here's a public figure, who has had a very public (and messy) series of self-inflicted wounds. He's trying like mad to "return to normal life", too quickly in my opinion, and in a period of one week, his pornstar mistress starts looking for money, reports surface that the wife he's "reconciling" with hasn't been seen within a 100 miles of him for a month, another report surfaces that he's spent as much as $10 million to keep the legion of slambags quiet, and that his crew enabled him to the max. Then he makes an outrageous statement like this.

I find it hard to believe that such a thing ever happened, but then again, I don't have any proof that it didn't. The allegation though, is so over-the-top and so-conveniently-timed that you have ot question it.

If anything, it's probably one of those things intended to "distract" the Press (you know, the Press he doesn't talk to in the first place?) so that he can play golf and win tournaments (because that's all he basically has left), despite the fact that this upcoming "Master's Tournament" is run by people who have basically bullied the Press into leaving Tiger alone. it's a strange dynamic: he constantly cries about his "privacy" and his "private life", and that he must be protected from the Media so that he can "heal", and then he tosses out a childhood recollection of racism that no one seems to remember.

As if we needed more baseless claims of racism after the ObamaCare debacle?

For being that big of a selfish douchebag, Tiger, you're this week's winner.

By the way, you're not an athlete; golf is not a real sport -- real sports aren't played in business casual, have defense, and don't involve electric carts and a personal servant. And it's gay. Why, golf is so gay that it makes knitting and hairdressing seem manly by comparison.

Enjoy your Douchebag of the Week Award, Tiger, because it's the only one you're getting this week. And it's looks better than a Green Jacket, too.

UPDATE: FoxNews is reporting that Tiger Woods will hold a "Press Conference" at 2 p.m., Eastern Time. I wonder if he'll adress any of these issues, or just stonewall while pretending to co-operate with the Press he so desperately wants to leave him alone. Asshole.

All This for Only $4,000 A Night!

The five minute interviews are bad enough; attempting to avoid telling the truth about your addictions (and they ain't limited to "sex", are they?) by denying anyone the opportunity to ask those questions -- maybe because the truth would shatter whatever image and destroy whatever goodwill you might have left -- and to create some artificial "buzz" about your return to golf. It's torture watching this, not only because you know how this story eventually ends, but because there's someone under the impression that we give a shit about golf, and that scandal will make us care more.

I don't claim any special knowledge of Tiger's problems or personal life; I'm just sayin' I know a guy who has some secrets that he really, really, REALLY wants to keep hidden, when I see one. His secrets, however, are going to destroy him if he doesn't get his ass off TV. $4,000 a night porn star/hookers are the least of his issues.

We're witnessing the destruction of an individual in the media, minute-by-minute, and the worst part is that he's helping them. In fact, he can't help but help them. Tiger Woods is the media's creation, so I guess they have that "right" to tear him apart -- or more likely what's happening, they're helping him tear himself apart. That sometimes happens with people who have done bad things; they have to punish themselves in the worst and most public ways, and are often unaware of how they do it. The two, Media and Woods, are symbiotically-linked. Tiger can no more go without the media, even a media asking questions that he refuses to answer, than the media can go without setting fire to their own creations. He is, in effect, committing suicide in public with the very tool that made him a public figure.

It's how the game gets played.

I'm now feeling bad for Tiger Woods. I can't condone his adultery, nor the cowardly retreat to a "sex addiction" clinic -- which is complete and utter bullshit. There's no such thing as "sex addiction"; men would screw 24-7 if they had the opportunity and the means -- stopping only for Buffalo Wings, the Super Bowl and other urgent bodily functions. And even at that, if it wasn't considered bad form to pinch a loaf while you're making the Beast With Two Backs, many would probably not even stop for that. We're baboons, you know. We're biologically-wired to fuck everything that moves or makes itself available. So, the idea that there's "sex addicts" out there is a false one; every human being is a sex addict, in the strictest, biological sense. There'd be no human race, otherwise.

What many of the people who mental-health "professionals" call "Sex Addicts" are , are usually the victims of severe sexual abuse; they can't separate acceptance by others, or certain activities and events, from the sexual act because of some trauma related to that abuse.

Tiger Woods is no "Sex-Addict"-- he's just a super-rich guy who decided to take advantage of everything his vast fortune could buy him, which is NEVER a good thing. He's no victim. He's maybe also suffering with a few other, real addictions in the bargain (probably booze, and maybe even prescription drugs, but that's speculation on my part). Fame and money often combine to make people a) stupid, and b) weak enough to give into their worst impulses.

You know how I can figure this out? We go from $4,000 a night porn stars all the way down to the Night Shift Waitress at the Waffle House. We're not even talking consistency, here. There's no pattern, no logic, no reason. We're talking pure opportunism, and no means of restraining the impulse; a clear sign of drug and/or alcohol abuse. In the current climate of sports scandals, Tiger Woods the Drug Abuser is far worse than Tiger Woods the Adulterer. That's the story his "handlers" want you to focus on, because the other one utterly destroys their client.

Tiger, of course, maintains that we should just forgive him (not that I care, really. I only write about this because it's funny as hell and because I'm pathologically-wired to stand there and point) and let him go about his business. I think the man has every right to go about earning his living, but I don't think he has the right to do it without having to answer the questions he's been dodging so clumsily. He's made his cash on the back of an adoring public, and he has a responsibility to them.

Because Tiger Woods was sold to America as a paragon of virtue, a true family man, a shining example to the black comm-uuunnn-it-taaaaay. We were told that no black people ever played golf before Tiger did, EVER, and that he was he was a "true pioneer". A shining example of what skill, determination and character coming together can do to produce the consummate professional, and the very example of what those virtues could bring you, wealth and fame, a Beautiful wife and adorable children. That's when he wasn't portrayed as a steely assassin on the greens, a monomaniac with a driver, who's focus was "legendary", a deadly opponent in the rough-and-tumble world of competitive pastimes, and a man who was on his way to becoming the Greatest Golfer, Ever. Tiger the Athlete is all marketing. The Greatest Golfer Ever...what the hell does that mean?

Greatest Golfer Ever is a distinction on par (if you'll pardon the pun) with being the Greatest Croquette Player, or the Greatest Race Walker, or the Greatest Yachtsman of All Time. No one really gives a shit, except fat, rich white guys who believe that any form of mild physical exertion that they engage in should automatically be considered a "sport". It's not a sport if you wear slacks, ride in a motorized cart, and have another guy to carry your equipment for you. That's not athletic at all. The funniest part of this scam is that those rich white guys buy golf clubs like democrats buy votes, and Tiger was the Hank Aaron of Golf, --so he made a lot of people a lot of money, with a hefty cut for himself.

I guess Tiger might be desperate to strike while the iron is still somewhat-warm, to keep his cut if he can, before all of his bullshit is finally made public. To get that one last score before that public image is finally gone forever, and on some level, to convince himself that his former life can be reclaimed, whole or in part. It's sad, because the man needs help. I think he has more problems than we know about. You can see it in his face, and he's now in the "denial" stage where he believes that he really has a good grip on his issues and can just go about life. Except that he really doesn't and isn't aware of it. We should all just leave him alone and forget this ever happened and all move forward now, he says. Except he's moving forward too soon (they almost always do). The cameras, the media, the notoriety are just another aspect of his overall addiction -- he can't do without it, all the while protesting the "intrusions" into his personal life.
He doth protest too much; he wants it every bit as much as the heroin addict wants the spike.

Tiger, take a powder, Dude. Get help and get better, because this doesn't look likely to end very well.

Tiger Spoke...

And, damn if I wasn't right in all of my predictions! Except for the Buddhism thing...I thought Tiger would go the Allah route and have some of those Farrakhan-looking guys around him. Because, you know, that's what Mike Tyson and Tawana Brawley did when they found religion. Anyway, the article makes no reference to it at all, in any case, because the mainstream media even mentioning religion, even a hippie one like Buddhism, causes reporters' heads to explode.

Anyways, Tiger's going back into rehab, to hide, certainly, but to heal? To change? To make himself a better man, husband and father? I wouldn't count on it, and I personally could give a rat's behind. I have my own life, and don't need to to live vicariously through Tiger Woods, thank you.

Randy men, you see, tend to stay that way, until slowed by age and gray hair and the bad back -- and then they eat Viagra like candy, trying to keep the side up for at least one more week. Eventually, they've been worn out, or they get clapped-out, and those are the only ways the rutting season ever comes to a true end. This Tiger is not going to change his stripes anytime soon, I don't think, but I guess the sporting thing to do is to wish him luck and hope that he does, huh?

So....good luck. I really, really, really hope you can finally learn how to keep your zipper closed, like a civilized human being, and you gain a measure of control over your schlong, because you know, you're NOT a baboon. I hope you can manage that easily and long enough to return to that stupid little thing you do with a stick and a tiny ball, that has no body-checking, tackling, or defense of any kind, but which fat, rich white men with no personalities and a lot of tummy blubber still insist is a sport. I guess because if it weren't considered a sport, something for real men, then it would be...I don't know...super-gay. I don't know, something about chasing balls around a manicured lawn in business casual just screams "GAY!", but that's me.

Anyway, about that zipper thing; I can see where you just might need to go to school to learn that you shouldn't leave your seed in every willing orifice you might come (no pun intended) across. I mean, I thought all the higher primates could, to one extent or another, control that sort of thing. Chimpanzees on speed apparently fucked less that Tiger -- who judging from the rogues' gallery of Waffle House and Wal-Mart conquests -- merely required the faintest heartbeat and a body at room temperature.

I mean, it's a disease, right? Being unable to stop fucking everything that moves? It's some sort of disability, the inability to keep a zipper in the upright position and closed. Such a difficult task that one apparently has to get professional help to better explain the concept. I don't buy it for a moment; I think Tiger's just taking an extended vacation in what purports to be a rehab facility, and intends to stay there for as long as it takes the worst of the furor over his...indiscretions...to finally die away, and then he can return to the golf course, and be the same old dispassionate, control-freak, cold-blooded motherfucker he was before this all happened. He's simply hiding until this great embarrassment is forgotten.

The only things he's probably learned from the experience, I reckon, is that the next time he'll make certain the bitch doesn't have text messaging, and signs a non-disclosure agreement before foreplay.

You can fool yourself and hide in your fake-rehab, all you want, Tiger. You're not really there to fix anything as much as you are to avoid the public humiliation; we'll still be laughing at you in another year, rest assured. Why, I bet the second you leave that rehab facility, you'll make an "innocent suggestion" to the boys that "Damn, I could really go for some Denny's right about now..." because I guess to you, a Grand Slam isn't just for breakfast anymore. You can't help yourself, and despite all the high-priced professional help in the world, you never will.

At least not until your dick either breaks or falls off....

Tiger Woods to Speak on Friday...

Big fucking deal.

Expect to hear the words: "I have found God" or even "I have found Allah" somewhere in that monologue (since Tiger will be taking no questions, at all, from the very few and very-carefully-selected members of the Press, it's a televised monologue).

These things follow a set script: admit the transgression, take responsibility whether you mean it or not, go to some form of "rehab", and re-emerge as a "changed man", waving the Scriptural Document of Your Choice, and tell the public you will no longer talk about the past.

Until you DO have to talk about it. That usually happens when your wife calls your bluff and takes you to divorce court, or your ego gets the best of you and Playboy or something wants that juicy, in-depth interview, or the National Enquirer digs up even better, and juicier dirt, and you have to go on Oprah.

Tiger, you should have stayed in the bunker for a while longer, my friend. These press conferences with the press and very little conference will not rebuild the reputation and goodwill you once had.

Of Tiger Woods and Dropping Shoes...

Oh Dear, Tiger...The company you do keep!

It's not just bimbos and sluts of all descriptions, but now doctors who have been busted with banned performance enhancers!

It was reported today that Dr. Anthony Galea, a Canadian physician, was arrested at the U.S.-Canada border with a stockpile of a drug called Actovegin (a drug made form calf's blood) and Human Growth Hormone (HGH). The Doctor has also been accused (but it is not clear to me if it has been proven) of providing performance-enhancers to his athlete clients, one of whom was...Tiger Woods.

Considering what we know of your bedroom exploits, it would only be logical to assume that you used performance enhancers there (wink, wink), but on the golf course? Who the hell knows, but it's amazing what happens when someone gets outed; the dam seems to burst, and everything he's ever done, and everyone he's ever associated with, comes back to haunt him.

Frankly, I'm not one of those who gets all incensed about someone violating the supposed-sanctity of golf. It's hardly a sport, it's a stupid game for geeky rich men who believe they have passed beyond such proletarian activities, like bowling or softball, and there's not much of the athletic about it. Just look at John Daly -- if he had the things said about him as are being said about Tiger Woods, would have been kicked off the goddamned tour and convicted in the court of public opinion, already, never to play another round on the PGA again. After all, he's white -- a guy who smokes on the course, weighs 300-plus pounds, and probably never lifts anything heavier than a case of Twinkies and a six pack...on a good day.

So, if Tiger 'cheated' on the course with PED's, big fuckin' deal...19 Majors is not the same as 756 home runs.

That is actually a feat of athletic talent and skill.

And no, I'm not insinuating that Tiger did anything untoward...except fuck every golddigging skank in North America while he had a wife and children at home.

But, you know, you are often judged (fairly or not) by the company you keep. It's becoming apparent what sort of people surrounded Tiger.

Gold Diggers: the New Feminism...

Andrea Peyser says what has needed to be said for a very long time.

I've been giving it to Tiger, and deservedly so. Now, someone finally takes his bevy of sleazy Barbie Dolls to task.

I wonder what this whole situation reveals abouts the uglier consequences of modern feminism?

And You Thought It Was Just a Really Gay Book....

Frodo Lives!

(Hey, I'm a big Tolkien fan, and couldn't resist). Besides, we need to talk about more than Tiger Woods today.

Tiger's Bad is OUR Fault...

From the American Thinker, we have this.

There's a little bit of the 'society is to blame' mantra inherent in this view. If I'm reading this correctly (probably not), the author wants me to believe that I needed some sort of an icon, and by God, business and the media gave me one! If there's any suckers here, it's me... and poor Tiger. I drove him to it,and then I savaged him for shattering the illusion I willed into being. Barack Obama could learn a lesson in all this!"

Disagree: I certainly didn't want a god, and I certainly didn't want one that played golf (and btw, you're not an athlete unless your sport includes defense or extended periods of intense, physical exertion!), and I certainly didn't want one that was portrayed as a ground-breaker based on his racial heritage. Nor did I demand that the media craft one in that mold for me. I was perfectly happy not knowing who the fuck Tiger Woods was, and got tired of being told that I should care long ago.

Tiger Woods is who he has always been, probably. His mistake is to believe that in an age of cell-phone cameras, YouTube, the Internet, and a 24-hour 'news' cycle that he could construct a bubble that would never be popped, and a myth that would never be busted. To believe otherwise is an exercise in personal arrogance (on Tiger's part), and probably cynicism that the greater part of the public is possessed of a bulletproof stupidity on the part of his 'handlers'. Any transgression is always explained away (the typical "I-fucked-up-but-I'm-going-to-rehab" formula), or dissipated over time, given silence, stonewalling and the public having very sort attention spans ("the bunker mentality"), even if there were criminal charges in this sort of arrangement. It's so fucking fake and contrived that it amazes that people get rich doing this shit, so maybe that second school of thought is right. There may be more impenetrably-stupid people about than I thought.

And it's not just Tiger and his people who think this way; just look at our politicians, other athletes, actors, writers, artists, businessmen, making a list of all the people who fall into this category might keep you occupied for decades. The very drama being played out right now is indicative of a corruption of society that is obvious and yet still manages to avoid scrutiny. There's a hole in our lives that somehow someone sold us could only be filled by building people up -- and then destroying them -- and somehow it's always our fault when they turn out to be weak characters. And it always has political implications. That formula is so old that I can recall reading about it in Cicero or Pericles.

Personally, I don't care what happens to Tiger Woods. The only reason I'm interested in this is a function of a personal fascination with human nature; here's a man who literally, has everything. And it isn't enough. I play the same mental game that many of you do, wherein we try to imagine ourselves in Tiger's place, pre-scandal, and then try to rationalize whether we would have done what he apparently has...and then pat ourselves on the back in the surety of the "no I wouldn't have" answer we arrive at (with no evidence to support it) which leads us to believe that we're somehow different from others --- or even superior to them. That's simply human nature. The difference is that there are people with the ability to play this game in the public square...and get rich doing it while pretending they're somehow the hall monitors of American Decency.

And, yeah, it is funny as hell watching someone who got wealthy and famous for doing something insignificant (playing golf), who married extremely well, and has the world by the short and curlies, squirm when we find out he likes to spank his bitches...in church parking lots.

Iconoclasm, for it's own sake, doesn't enter into the equation for me. I'm just amazed that someone could be that greedy, stupid and banal, and still not expect to get caught. What's even more stupefying is that once nailed, the man who's made his living in the public eye, lapping up the rewards and adulation of public acclaim, thinks he's earned the privilege of suddenly keeping something secret. Doesn't Tiger have a media consultant who can explain how these things work to him? Live by the sword, die by the sword, I always say.

The other issue I have is the Press which conspires to keep Tiger's human weaknesses -- there are reports that some paparazzi actually have pictures of Tiger doing the dirty in a church parking lot, and they sat on them --a secret at the same time it's making a bazillion dollars off him. Only to turn upon him like a pack of ravening wolves on a wounded deer... so that they can make another bazillion dollars off him. And if Tiger should ever 'recover' from this situation, he and his real whore -- the Press -- will resume their cozy relationship....and make another bazillion dollars. This destroys the whole "The Wicked Never Prosper" motif that was a staple of my Catholic-school education (and is perhaps one of the few things I took from it that I still seriously believe to be true).

Tiger shouldn't be crying. The Press shouldn't be tut-tutting. They're both villains in this situation, and neither deserves respect or sympathy, because they're the two sides of the same coin. The assertion that the Tiger Woods (Serial) Affair has political implications is way too trite, and the theme has been trotted out so many times before that it's becoming threadbare. Spare me. If and When (I'm betting on When) Barack Obama fails, his downfall will certainly include the elements involved in Tiger's downfall, but the only similarity will be that both were media creations in the first place, and very flawed individuals even before then.

Oh, Tiger, You're SCREWED...

ESPN TV is reporting that a blond woman was taken from Tiger Woods' home this morning, and taken to a local hospital "on advanced life-support". I don't know what the hell that means, as I would assume that any sort of life support would be 'advanced', but I'm not a medical professional. Anyway, no sooner do Hannah Storm and the forty-three other 'reporters' covering this story get you all worked up about the potentially-salacious details of Elin's apparent suicide attempt (well, let's be fair; they do present what little they truly know in a way that activates the dramatic impulse in your brain)...and they tell you that so-close-to-death-she-needed-'advanced'-life-support-mystery-blond...has been released from the hospital.

Anti-climax.

Then it gets kinda...weird (like this isn't already?). Creepy weird.

The cameras caught the woman being taken out of the ambulance (they always manage to somehow get to the E.R. before the ambulance, don't they? Next time i need a hospital, I'm calling my local TV station to transport me there), and it looked like his wife. To me, anyway, and from a distance. ESPN says that it cannot confirm that Elin Nordegren was on that gurney, since she has an identical twin sister (Good Lord! There's two of them walking around? Bless their parents!) who also happens to be visiting. There's a report of a third blond on the scene, this one unidentified, but it's safe to say she probably isn't one of Tiger's paramours. In any case, who knew Tiger kept a herd of Nordic blonds on his property?

And then Fox Sports posts this, as an adjunct to the whole mysterious-blond-in-deadly-peril theme:

"This comes on the heels of yesterday's report that a witness told a Florida trooper that Woods had been drinking alcohol earlier in the day before he crashed his SUV, according to a police report. The same witness, who wasn't identified in the report, also said Woods had been prescribed two drugs, Ambien and Vicodin."

Ooops. Got another semi-apologetic-yet-ever-so-snotty diatribe for your website, Tiger? You might need it.

"Impairment of the driver is also suspected due to the careless driving that resulted in the traffic crash," trooper Joshua Evans wrote in the report dated Nov. 30 that was released by the State Attorney General's office."

Ya think, Officer?

The report also notes that the State's Attorney General refused to investigate the reports of substance abuse being a factor in the accident, or even being investigated because of "a lack of evidence..."

I wonder how the AG explains that one; the Trooper on the scene reports one thing, the AG reports another, both in writing. Perhaps now we might speculate as to why Tiger didn't talk to anyone for several days, maybe?

UPDATE: ESPN's on-screen crawl indicates that the witness who used the words "drinking", "Vicodin" amd "Ambien", might have been Tiger's own wife. My word, but who knew the world of golf could be so sordid?

* The woman on the gurney turns out to have been Tiger's Mother-in-law. And the number of Other Women involved is now approaching double digits. No wonder the guy clammed up!

* Also, internet rumor states that Ambien is believed to be a super-duper sexual enhancer. I have absolutely no idea if this is true, and I do not advocate that you go try to obtain some for this purpose. Not that this is really important, but it might explain why Tiger's dalliances seem to be legion. Additionally, Ambien has a known side-effect of sleepwalking, or sleep-driving, which is quite common, which might explain the accident. I've yet to find anything on the combination of Ambien, Vicodin and an 8-iron to the side of the head, but I'm certain that ain't such a great thing.

Tiger the Tiger...

This says more than I really wanted to know.

I mean, as if hating Tiger Woods for being rich beyond all his true relevance wasn't enough, now you have to hear he's hung like a bear and has the stamina of a wolverine.

There are probably hundreds of bimbos lining up right now to expose ever more of Tiger's dirty laundry. I have no sympathy whatsoever. We've all fucked up at one time or another, and I can remember very few people being sympathetic to me when I did it, so I figure I'm just passing on a great American tradition of pointing and jumping up and down, while adding nothing constructive or redemptive to the conversation.

I'm laughing by balls off at him, though. And that's before we get to the S&M allegations.

I find Tiger's so-called taste in mistresses somewhat strange, but comprehensible. They all seem to have the same qualities about them; they're convenient, they make themselves so, they all seem to believe they're just a heartbeat away from becoming the next Mrs. Woods (which makes them stupid), they're absolute dingbats with obvious self-esteem problems, complete with flashing lights and blaring sirens..

Tiger made the mistake most super-wealthy men with power issues and wandering penises make; they screw whatever comes to hand...as it were. And much of what comes to hand is actually thrown at them by virtue of their power or fame, by women who usually are dumb as a post (easy to take advantage of), suffering from some form of mental defect (they're needy and desperate), or who know exactly what they're doing and will milk it for personal gain the second you show a sign of weakness (the most dangerous ones of all). The Powerful Male decides that whatever their actual motivation, they are simply a place he can park his dick when he wants to, and that they can later be discarded, sent packing or paid off whenever he's done with them. What does he care? They are simply subjects to him; they are something that he desires and can easily have. Lesser beings who's proper place is to worship and serve him. He has no real respect or feelings for them. The hair pulling and domination thing this latest woman talks about is a classic example; it's all about having and exercising power over another.

In this regard, at least, there is little difference between Tiger Woods, and say, Henry VIII, except that none of the 'Other Women' have been killed for becoming suddenly inconvenient.

Last night, I was watching Geraldo on Fox News, and there was an interesting segment about the reaction of black women to the Tiger Woods scandal, particularly, insofar as all of Tiger's mistresses appear to be white women. Black women seem to be feeling left out. "How come Tiger has no black bimbos?" they want to know.

Actually, I think they do know...and it still makes them jealous. But ladies, really, just what are you jealous of? You should be jealous of someone this shallow, that knowingly engages in an affair with a married man, and then gets herself a lawyer afterwards? You should be jealous of a woman who pours her heart out to the New York Post in a manner that describes her as little more than a handy sperm receptacle and convenient object of abuse? You're jealous of a bunch of women who are so down on themselves that they have to steal another woman's husband and bask in the glow of his fame in order to feel good about themselves -- and then get unceremoniously dumped, or exposed to public ridicule for it?

Successful black men go for the Forbidden Fruit of White Women to symbolize their rise in what's perceived as a racist society, just as Successful White Men hunt down Asian women to symbolize their conquest of the exotic, or Muslims and Japanese crave blonds. Every race/ethnic group has it's own Mandingo-like theme going on. I think we can be honest about that. Besides, these women are not people to Tiger; they are simply trophies, like a moose head on the wall, or a notch in the belt, and that's when they aren't just a tool to get his freak on....and then leave.

Besides, Black Ladies, that Forbidden Fruit thing works in reverse, too. I know plenty of good white men who would fall for a good black woman in a heartbeat, so why fixate on why Tiger doesn't seem to want you as merely one of his concubines?

Right now, even with all his money, all his stamina, and his apparently-humongous tallywhacker, I wouldn't want to be Tiger Woods at all. He's been exposed; his deepest, most personal secrets are being aired in the public domain. His wife has grounds for both divorce and extortion. There's people laughing at him for his plight, and his choice of women. The Press (such as it is) is at his door 24/7. He's probably mad as hell at himself (not for cheating, because I think his ego really is that inflated, but for getting caught). I'd be frightened shitless that the worst is yet to come, if I were him.

And he's probably right about that. There could be a baby mama out there, somewhere...

Start praying, Tiger, and let this be a lesson to you about keeping your pants on.

You're All Racists...

Leave it to the New York Times to publish a steaming load of horse crap disguised as an editorial.

The aptly named Charles M. Blow, wrote this, and it's overwhelming message is:

America is still a racist country. It's why, even with the elevation of a black man to the highest elected office, the plight of American blacks has not improved. It doesn't mean to be, but it can't help itself. Obama was supposed to hook us (blacks) up, but instead he pays attention to you white people -- who have a love/hate relationship with him which will invariably poison race relations in this country for many years to come, giving American blacks even more excuses not to work and succeed. Blacks are being victimized by one of their own (Obama) for the sake of white folks, and because white folk's racism is such a powerful, subliminal force that it can even make a good black man forget what color his skin is -- but then again, it's not like Obama was really one of us, what with that bi-racial crap that y'all lapped up -- so what could you expect?

Oh, and by the way; America is a racist nation.

He begins with this piece of crap, describing the Reign of Obama:

"So far, it’s been mixed. Blacks are living a tale of two Americas — one of the ascension of the first black president with the cultural capital that accrues; the other of a collapsing quality of life and amplified racial tensions, while supporting a president who is loath to even acknowledge their pain, let alone commiserate in it."

Translation: Obama is not "authentically" black. He doesn't understand what it is to be black, really. Raised by white people, educated in elite, white schools, Obama doesn't understand the 'hood. He cannot communicate with us because he is not one of us. This is the argument that a Je$$e Jackson or Al Sharpton would have used against Obama a decade ago (in much the same way they used it against Alan Keyes, Ward Connerly, Clarence Thomas, Condoleeza Rice, et. al.), the only difference this time is that Barack Obama actually managed to win an election, something even they never believed could happen. Then, of course, he was always black (so much so that his half-white heritage was never mentioned again after the election). Until he wasn't. Why isn't he? Try this one:

"Last year, blacks dared to dream anew, envisioning a future in which Obama’s election would be the catalyst for an era of prosperity and more racial harmony. Now that the election’s afterglow has nearly faded, the hysteria of hope is being ground against the hard stone of reality. Things have not gotten better. In many ways, they’ve gotten worse."

Translation: Where's the reparations I was promised, dammit? Obama hasn't given anything to black people, Mr. Blow says. Of course, policies like Cash For Clunkers, Porkulus and Onmibus, all the Mortgage renegotiation schemes, propping up unionized labor with Government funds, all the Health Care nonsense, are, arguably, policies that were specifically aimed at the black community. They failed of their purpose because of the realistic limitations of government power in a free society, and because they were fundamentally bad policies (although the jury is still out on Healthcare). They were designed to hand out benefits quickly, before anyone would notice they were welfare-by-another-name.

But, what makes Mr. Blow believe blacks are actually entitled to anything? I mean, other than 50 years of white liberal excuse-making and mollycoddling, and all the patronizing bullshit of several generations of so-called "Civil Rights Leaders"? Worse, what makes him think they're entitled to anything at a time when the productive class is losing it's security?

According to Mr. Blow, Mr. Obama has been stopped dead in his otherwise-well-meaning tracks by the spectre of racism (hey, wait! I thought it was because he didn't understand black people?). Obama will never get a chance to 'do' for the black community because America is a racist country that doesn't care about the black community. In fact, American racism runs so deep and is such a pervasive and powerful force that:

"This means that Obama can get away with doing almost nothing to specifically address issues important to African-Americans and instead focus on the white voters he’s losing in droves. "

In any universe other than Mr. Blow's, you could accuse Mr. Obama of being a 'realist'. Of course, Mr. Blow then nullifies his own nonsensical assertion (again!) when he writes just a few lines later:

"The hard truth is that Obama needs white voters more than he needs black ones. "According to my analysis, even if every black person in America had stayed home on Election Day, Obama would still be president. To a large degree, Obama was elected by white people, some of whom were more able to accept him because he consciously portrayed himself as racially ambiguous."

Nothing like accusing people of racism, Mr. Blow, and then conceding that accusation is groundless. Don't they teach you not to undermine your own arguments within two paragraphs at the Times? Obama wouldn't have been elected without white votes, and his socialist utopia will never come close to realization without them because...guess who he needs to accede to it, and then pay for it? When he says "tax the rich" do you really think he means anything other than "Tax Whitey"?

But having made the accusation of racism in spite of the logical evidence against it, Mr. Blow then goes on to make himself look even more ridiculous:

"In a study to be published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of the Sciences this month, researchers asked subjects to rate images of the president to determine which ones best represented his "true essence." In some of the photos, his skin had been lightened. In others, it had been darkened. The result? The more people identified him with the "whiter" images, the more likely they were to have voted for him, and vice versa."

There's that "Obama isn't really black" theme again. But, really; you didn't just go there, Charles, did you? I was beginning to have sympathy for you, misguided comm-symp that you are, but not any more. I'd tell you to be ashamed of yourself, but it's apparent that it would do no good. After all, you managed to write an opinion piece which contradicts itself every other paragraph, and then took a paycheck from the Times, so shame is not one of your strong suits, is it?

If that was the only rhetorical club in your arsenal, Mr.Blow, and the only message you really wanted to deliver, perhaps you should have saved a lot of newsprint, and maybe even not taken that check from Mr. Sulzberger in his time of need.

On Tiger Woods...

Methinks I smell a rat...or two.

I mean, first of all, the guy doesn't speak to the cops after he's allegedly pulled from his crumpled Escalade, bleeding and dazed. If there was ever a time to give the police, and the other emergency workers who showed up to help you, some information about how you got into that condition, it was as soon as possible. So far as I know, it's been four days since the 'accident', and Tiger hasn't spoken to the cops. People who have something to hide don't talk to the cops.

Second, I know guys who's first instinct upon seeing a really hot Nordic chick wielding an 8-iron is not to run away. Yeah, I know that's sick. Then again, if you somehow managed to get a Scandinavian angry enough to engage in weapon-brandishing physical violence, you must have really fucked up. These are the Nobel Peace Prize folks, after all. There's got to be a fascinating story behind it all.

Third, you know you're screwed when your alleged paramour skips town (with 500 photographers in tow, conveniently) and finds herself in league with Gloria Allredd. That always scares the hell out of me. And by the way, can this Rachel Uchitel chick do any more posing for the cameras? Every shot in the local papers I've seen of her has her in some sort of model-ly action pose. Always with the pursed lips, too. She's a walking advertisement for...something. Homewrecking? Infidelity? Pretending to be more important than you really are? More likely herpes...but what do I know? All I know is what I see and the feeling it (ahem) arouses; this chick is having way too much fun and is obviously set to milk the rumors for as long as she might be able to make a few bucks. I wonder; what potential public embarrassments must lurk within that dark swamp?

Now, I don't know jack about Tiger Woods as a human being, or do I give a rat's ass for golf, which isn't a sport, isn't a game in the same way Monopoly is, and in my experience, seems to be more of a hobby for men with very low self-esteem, but very fat bank accounts. Likewise, I was sick and tired of the whole Tiger Woods Beatification Project which started it seems like 20 years ago, and was based on the faulty premises that a) black men never played golf before Tiger, and b) that winning a whole mess of golf tournaments while being half-black was the racial equivalent of simultaneously winning the lottery and discovering a cure for AIDS. Like Tiger being really good at a shitty game was somehow a deliverance for an entire population (still!) claiming to be suffering from 400 years of slavery and second-class status, even after nearly 200 years of racial progress. Now we find out that Tiger is a human being and not The Savior, after all -- and one with what must be one helluva story that's just dying to be told.

You just know that A-Rod is, at this very moment, jealous that his own knucklehead-ery has been knocked off the front pages by a guy with less personality (and far more money) than a truckload of wet cardboard.

So much for celebrating diversity, huh?

Not that I really give a crap; I'm just thinking the details must be funny as hell for a guy to crash his SUV in his own driveway...twice...apparently running from the Little Woman, while she chucks golf clubs, and he's so panicked that he can't avoid trees and fire hydrants that he probably knows are there. The image of Tiger Woods -- World's Biggest Pussy -- springs to mind. I'm practically giddy.

After that, I have absolutely no interest in this, ummm, affair. Talk to the cops, Tiger, go through the "I've-made-mistakes-in-my-personal-life-but-I'm-going-to-rehab-and-hope-to-forge-a-stronger-relationship-with-my-family-and-God" speech, and get it over with.

And by the way, what a great advertisement for Cadillac, huh? Have you seen the condition of that Escalade after a pair of (allegedly) 3-MPH crashes? Makes you so proud that you could shit to know the Taxpayer now owns the company that can make that sort of product!