Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sanctimonious Twaddle...

There are a few things I really dislike about Google Ad Sense, which I use on this site as a (very meager) supplement to my income. The first thing I dislike is that you can't control what ads appear on your blog. The software picks and chooses subjects off your blog, and then generates advertisements based on what you've posted. That's why I can make a post that, say, excoriates Islam as a pernicious disease worse than Syphilis, and within five minutes Google ads will begin appearing advertising Islamic goods, Paperback Korans, or a cure for Gonorrhea.

I can't stop that from happening, and I apologize to those who come here and become confused by my apparent hypocrisy ("How can you criticize X, and then accept their advertising money....?"). So far as I know, short of turning Ad Sense off, there is no way to prevent some of those contradictory ads, and in any case, they usually seem to disappear in a day or two, as new subjects are added.

Except for the fucking legal ads.

For some reason, the legal ads keep coming, and I haven't posted anything about lawyers for three or four days, now, and come to think of it, that may have been the first post on lawyers in about three years. As of this morning, there were three full pages of legal ads linked to my site. I hate lawyers. They are less useful than warts, and not even half-as-attractive. They exist, as an ex-girlfriend (who practiced contract law) once told me "To make often-ridiculous arguments in the most anal-retentive of ways, and then overcharge for it, win or lose". She was a complete cunt (yes Ladies, I know you find that word offensive, but it's the only one that truly gives her her due) .

Lawyers have done family members wrong -- like the divorce attorney who inventoried my mother's assets for her divorce settlement, and then used that information to drive her into bankruptcy court in order to collect his fees. He lost the divorce case (despite the fact that her 2nd husband had abandoned her, and emptied their joint accounts without her knowledge, she received no spousal support, and was required to take a second mortgage in order to buy the bum out of the house they had purchased together). But somehow, no lawyer would advocate on her behalf on the ethics charges she planned to file, because this particular scum was the Chairman of some Bar committee or other, and no Attorney worth his weight in turds wanted to cross him.

So, it's highly-annoying to see three or four days -- with no end in sight --worth of legal ads appearing on this site promoting a profession that I hate so much. I had hoped that by encouraging readers to click all the legal ads, and then not giving anyone any business, someone might catch on that this was perhaps not the best use of advertising funds, and the ads will eventually stop (and not just on my site). The exact opposite has occurred -- there are now more legal ads than ever on this site (and I encourage you to click every goddamned one! The only way to truly stop it is to make the slugs waste their advertising money!).

Curiosity overwhelms sometimes, and I just have to see who these Legal Paragons offering such fantastical services are--and by the way, you would think none of them EVER lost a case to judge from the ads -- and what they're all about. I probably shouldn't have.

There's the one douchebag who offers a "No-fault Divorce" starting at $99.00 -- but then he advertises a $599.00 Bankruptcy right beneath it. Hmmm, that's sort of like what happened to my mother, so I gather this is a standard practice; get your client a crappy, quickie-divorce decree, then drive them into bankruptcy court to collect? You also have to laugh at the ones who place a picture of the Palace of Versailles, or some similarly imposing, Imperial-looking edifice on their banner, in order to give the impression that they're some ultra-successful Law Firm, when they're Three People Who Barely Passed the Bar, Working Out of An Office Above a Storefront.

If you were really that successful and powerful as to work out of a Baroque-style Imperial Palace -- in Akron, Ohio, to judge by the phone number -- I can promise you that you wouldn't be advertising an industrial-process, discount-rate-slip-and-fall-ambulance-chasing-scam on the internet.

But the one who really took the cake was the Sanctimonious Asswipe with a J.D. who included this bit of honeyed wisdom, a truly Homeric Bullshit Paean to the Legal Profession, in his ad:

"Discourage Litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser -- in fees, expenses, and waste of time. As a Peacemaker, the Lawyer has the opportunity of being a good man..."

It's difficult to see how anyone can take you seriously after that virtuoso display of absolute sanctimony and hypocrisy. What's worse, is that bit of oratory was uttered by no less a personage than Abraham Lincoln, who has now fallen a few pegs in my Pantheon of Really Cool Historical Figures.

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