...arrives not with a bang, but with a menopausal whine. For we are now officially living in the Age of Cougarlife. It was advertised on television today, and I nearly choked when I saw it (and not only because it was somewhat funny).
What is Cougarlife? It's a dating website for Cougars. What's a Cougar? Urban Dictionary has six definitions, which I will combine into one, easy-to-comprehend super-definition:
An older woman (35+ years old), often divorced and surgically-enhanced/preserved, but still attractive (if she's unattractive, she known as a mountain lion) found in all the usual haunts (bars, nightclubs, the beach, etc.), in search of younger, energetic, sexually-adventurous men.
The Cougar has an upside for the younger man; unlike many younger women, the Cougar is not likely to play games, or to be coy or confused about what she wants. She is seeking sex, usually consequence-free. There is a special sub-category of Cougar, known as the Bobcat, whose ultimate goal is to simply experience some form of intimacy -- any sort of intimacy -- without actually going all the way. Then there's the Cheetah, who is, I'm told, simply a Cougar-in-training (not quite old enough to qualify for full Cougar-hood, just yet).
This phenomena has spawned a new generation of opportunistic cad, known as the Cougar Hawk: young men on the prowl specifically for Cougars.
Damn, I gotta get out more, because I had not realized that human associations were being categorized in this manner. Then again, perhaps I'm better off staying home, because the more I read about this stuff, the sicker I get, as it seems yet one more sign of the ultimate degeneration of society as we know it.
In another day-and-age, the Cougar would be called various other names, beginning with "Skank", perhaps progressing to "Barfly", but finally arriving at the old formulation of "whore".
There are much cruder terms that I remember from my youth, which are far more descriptive and accurate, but which I will refrain from using. There was a time when women like this would be expected to feel some sense of shame, unless they were completely clueless. Now, apparently, promiscuity is a badge of courage.
Don't get me wrong, Men have been dogs since the model first slithered out of the Primordial Slime, and I do realize that times, fashions and mores change with "progress", but damn...Some of us can still respect a woman just because we're supposed to, you know.
I wonder how many of the padded-bra-and-girdle set who will undoubtedly sign up with Cougarlife (because once it's online, it somehow becomes hip) were probably the same women who spent most of their lives demanding respect from the Patriarchy, putting up with ex-husbands who only regarded them as good for one thing, and complained constantly about what absolute shitheels men, in general, are. They are now more-or-less advertising that they're willing to forego respect, and actively seek out shitheels, because...well, they're only good for one thing, and only to someone who probably won't appreciate them for it afterwards.
I'm not judging any woman who actually joins this site -- I know it sounds as if I am -- but I will tell say this about you;
If you thought you were treated like a piece of meat by every swinging dick on planet Earth before, just wait until the Internet makes this a 24-7-365 proposition. Despite the"Cougar" lifestyle and rules -- in which you're supposed to not form emotional attachments, and not expect him to call you the next day -- you know you ultimately will form bonds, and expect an acknowledgement of your existence because, well...you're female... and just that's how you're wired. This may seem like the greatest idea on Earth right now, but I can promise you that it'll eventually leave you feeling emptier than when you started.
Because, in the end, this isn't about you "empowering" yourself; it's all about Men once again finding yet another way (this time by using the power of Social Networking and Marketing!) to manipulate you into consequence-free sex, and making it seem like it was all your idea.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
An Open Letter to Israel...
Dear Israelis,
Not that my opinion carries any weight, nor do you need my permission, but I'm inclined to agree with you when it comes to the idea that ships entering Gaza need to be searched for contraband. Especially the sort of contraband that goes"BOOM!". After all, it's not as if your next-door neighbors are really nice people who invite you over for coffee and cake all the time, or who will lend you a lawn edger or a cup of sugar when you need one. That's not Ozzy and Harriet next door, the lovely elderly couple that sits on the back porch sipping lemonade, you know.
In fact, those neighbors of yours are downright scary. When they aren't threatening to shove you into the sea, telling anyone who'll listen that Hitler did a lousy job, and complaining ad nauseum about how Grandpa Abdullah lost his 50 acre rock farm because he believed that an army of Arabs could win a war against people who'll actually fight back, then they're lobbing explosives into your housing developments, blowing up public transport or making a trip to the local pizzeria a life-or-death crap-shoot.
I mean, let's face it; it's not as if these so-called Palestinians are rational people. After all, it's not as if they can even take "YES" for an answer. It took them fifty years just to accept the Two-State solution they could have had in 1948, and that's still not good enough. Just look at what they instill in their children, who grow up believing their ultimate goal in life should be a spectacular suicide that takes as many Jews and Infidels with them as they can manage. Let's face it, if there was a Palestinian YouTube, it'd be nothing but wall-to-wall "Martyrdom" videos.
You Israelis are under the gun. Literally. For all the noise these Palestinians make about not wanting anything to do with Jews (except maybe kill them), they then have the nerve to be insulted when you build a fence to keep you apart. They whine and complain and make noises about "Peace", and then find excuses to continue the conflict.
You know what I think about this latest incident, with the boat? I think Hamas is running out of money, and whenever it runs out of money, it creates some sort of incident. The Intifadas were all about money -- Arafat got rich, taking aid from the U.S., U.N., E.U., Saudis, Russians, and others. Was anyones life improved for all those billions? Hell no! But everyone had an AK-47 to fire in the air at Yasser's funeral, didn't they? Palestinians cry that they have no food, no medicine, no electricity or jobs, but somehow fail to notice that everyone is armed to the teeth--courtesy of the Great Satan and all his Little Satans. It's perverse.
So, I don't blame Israel when it decides to board ships as a matter of self-defense. They've found weapons delivered under the cover of "Humanitarian Aid" before. I don't blame Israelis when they build walls, and I certainly cannot find fault with you Jews for simply defending yourself against people who's basic negotiating position is "I must kill Jews because God said so...now give me money!"
In fact, I personally think you don't go far enough. No one is giving you any credit for the incredible restraint shown so far -- if it was me, there wouldn't be all this ruckus because there'd be no Palestinians -- so why not take it one step further? Why not just make it known that the next attack on Israel, the next boat that fails to halt for an inspection, the next unguided rocket, the next sniper, the next suicide bomber-- hell, even the next spitball or dirty look directed at an Israeli -- will result in the elimination of the "Palestinian State" altogether? I rather doubt anyone would notice it was gone, anyway.
Negotiation -- or even simple accommodation -- with Muslims is impossible. They aren't intelligent or rational enough to realize when something is in their best interests,if they even recognize their own interests at all. After all, they follow the words and exploits of a dead child molester who instructed them to walk around a big black rock in the middle of the desert and mutilate their women's vaginas. These are the people who believe that legitimate political discourse involves using airliners as weapons of mass destruction and the beheading the defenseless. These are people who have rules about which hand you can use to wipe your ass. People who submit to having even the most-intimate details of their lives directed in this way are incapable of being reasoned with.
Fuck 'em.
I know you won't take my advice, I mean, even my own government doesn't listen to me -- I begged GWB right here on this page to replace all human life in Iraq and Afghanistan with a genetically-engineered microorganism that eats sand and craps oil as a solution to the problem of Islamic Terrorism, but for some reason he found it necessary to deal with wastes of genetic material named Karzai and Maliki -- that's when he wasn't perpetuating the Big Lie of the Religion of Peace. My way would have saved billions of bucks, and thousands of lives, but there you go; I'm a solutions-oriented kinda guy.
However, if you did find it in your heart to follow my advice, I wouldn't be shocked. Nor would I stand outside the consulate here in New York, like many of the Aging Hippies and the dopey- college-kids-who-went-to-the-protest-in-order-to-get-extra-credit-so-that-they-won't-fail- Famous-Vaginas-in-American-Lit-102-and-get-hassled-by-Mommy-and-Daddy-who-pay-for-the-four-year-kegger.
In fact, I would applaud, because the only real solution to the problems of Islamic Terrorism and Middle East Peace is for one side in this conflict to be convinced that further violence in the name of a failed ideology, a deeply-irrational political system, and a phony religion will ensure that future generations will have even less -- and suffer even more. Unfortunately, the only way to convince these people that they're on the wrong path is to kill them in great numbers in the most terrible ways imaginable, because negotiation, appeasement, bribery, limited responses, diplomacy and embargo don't seem to be getting through to them.
Good Luck, and I hope you sink the next boatload of Commie-Pinko-Terrorist-Abetting douchebags that try another stunt like the one they pulled last week.
Not that my opinion carries any weight, nor do you need my permission, but I'm inclined to agree with you when it comes to the idea that ships entering Gaza need to be searched for contraband. Especially the sort of contraband that goes"BOOM!". After all, it's not as if your next-door neighbors are really nice people who invite you over for coffee and cake all the time, or who will lend you a lawn edger or a cup of sugar when you need one. That's not Ozzy and Harriet next door, the lovely elderly couple that sits on the back porch sipping lemonade, you know.
In fact, those neighbors of yours are downright scary. When they aren't threatening to shove you into the sea, telling anyone who'll listen that Hitler did a lousy job, and complaining ad nauseum about how Grandpa Abdullah lost his 50 acre rock farm because he believed that an army of Arabs could win a war against people who'll actually fight back, then they're lobbing explosives into your housing developments, blowing up public transport or making a trip to the local pizzeria a life-or-death crap-shoot.
I mean, let's face it; it's not as if these so-called Palestinians are rational people. After all, it's not as if they can even take "YES" for an answer. It took them fifty years just to accept the Two-State solution they could have had in 1948, and that's still not good enough. Just look at what they instill in their children, who grow up believing their ultimate goal in life should be a spectacular suicide that takes as many Jews and Infidels with them as they can manage. Let's face it, if there was a Palestinian YouTube, it'd be nothing but wall-to-wall "Martyrdom" videos.
You Israelis are under the gun. Literally. For all the noise these Palestinians make about not wanting anything to do with Jews (except maybe kill them), they then have the nerve to be insulted when you build a fence to keep you apart. They whine and complain and make noises about "Peace", and then find excuses to continue the conflict.
You know what I think about this latest incident, with the boat? I think Hamas is running out of money, and whenever it runs out of money, it creates some sort of incident. The Intifadas were all about money -- Arafat got rich, taking aid from the U.S., U.N., E.U., Saudis, Russians, and others. Was anyones life improved for all those billions? Hell no! But everyone had an AK-47 to fire in the air at Yasser's funeral, didn't they? Palestinians cry that they have no food, no medicine, no electricity or jobs, but somehow fail to notice that everyone is armed to the teeth--courtesy of the Great Satan and all his Little Satans. It's perverse.
So, I don't blame Israel when it decides to board ships as a matter of self-defense. They've found weapons delivered under the cover of "Humanitarian Aid" before. I don't blame Israelis when they build walls, and I certainly cannot find fault with you Jews for simply defending yourself against people who's basic negotiating position is "I must kill Jews because God said so...now give me money!"
In fact, I personally think you don't go far enough. No one is giving you any credit for the incredible restraint shown so far -- if it was me, there wouldn't be all this ruckus because there'd be no Palestinians -- so why not take it one step further? Why not just make it known that the next attack on Israel, the next boat that fails to halt for an inspection, the next unguided rocket, the next sniper, the next suicide bomber-- hell, even the next spitball or dirty look directed at an Israeli -- will result in the elimination of the "Palestinian State" altogether? I rather doubt anyone would notice it was gone, anyway.
Negotiation -- or even simple accommodation -- with Muslims is impossible. They aren't intelligent or rational enough to realize when something is in their best interests,if they even recognize their own interests at all. After all, they follow the words and exploits of a dead child molester who instructed them to walk around a big black rock in the middle of the desert and mutilate their women's vaginas. These are the people who believe that legitimate political discourse involves using airliners as weapons of mass destruction and the beheading the defenseless. These are people who have rules about which hand you can use to wipe your ass. People who submit to having even the most-intimate details of their lives directed in this way are incapable of being reasoned with.
Fuck 'em.
I know you won't take my advice, I mean, even my own government doesn't listen to me -- I begged GWB right here on this page to replace all human life in Iraq and Afghanistan with a genetically-engineered microorganism that eats sand and craps oil as a solution to the problem of Islamic Terrorism, but for some reason he found it necessary to deal with wastes of genetic material named Karzai and Maliki -- that's when he wasn't perpetuating the Big Lie of the Religion of Peace. My way would have saved billions of bucks, and thousands of lives, but there you go; I'm a solutions-oriented kinda guy.
However, if you did find it in your heart to follow my advice, I wouldn't be shocked. Nor would I stand outside the consulate here in New York, like many of the Aging Hippies and the dopey- college-kids-who-went-to-the-protest-in-order-to-get-extra-credit-so-that-they-won't-fail- Famous-Vaginas-in-American-Lit-102-and-get-hassled-by-Mommy-and-Daddy-who-pay-for-the-four-year-kegger.
In fact, I would applaud, because the only real solution to the problems of Islamic Terrorism and Middle East Peace is for one side in this conflict to be convinced that further violence in the name of a failed ideology, a deeply-irrational political system, and a phony religion will ensure that future generations will have even less -- and suffer even more. Unfortunately, the only way to convince these people that they're on the wrong path is to kill them in great numbers in the most terrible ways imaginable, because negotiation, appeasement, bribery, limited responses, diplomacy and embargo don't seem to be getting through to them.
Good Luck, and I hope you sink the next boatload of Commie-Pinko-Terrorist-Abetting douchebags that try another stunt like the one they pulled last week.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Sigh..If They're Not Fucking Altar Boys...
'Mosque' Pastor Bails out of Midland Beach Parish.
The Archdiocese of New York announced that the Staten Island pastor who has been negotiating the sale of a convent to a bunch of camel-humping terrorists is stepping down from his position in order to spend more time with his ailing mother.
Whenever a politician gets caught with his hands in the cookie jar, he uses the "I'm resigning to spend more time with my family" routine (or the other stand-by, "I'm entering rehab") to get the spotlight off him as quickly as possible. I don't know Father Fennessey, but I smell a rat here. He's at the center of a shitstorm -- mostly of his own creation -- and it looks as if he's heading for the hills.
The Archdiocese then announces that Father Fennessey will be replaced, as if this was all rather routine...but then does nothing to respond to the community's concerns that the "New Management" is NOT connected to the Muslim Brotherhood. In fact, it appears as if the Archdiocese is still going through with the sale.
Never let it be said that the Church doesn't know how to make a decision when principles are at stake; it can be depended upon to choose money every time.
Just another example of how when the Catholic Church isn't screwing the Altar Boys, it's apparently very happy to give the Big Purple Shaft to everyone else in the Parish. For the right price. The community has succeeded in making this issue one which makes the Church very uncomfortable, and has sent them into (the predictable) Public Relations mode much sooner than anyone would have thought. Now, let's see if continued community pressure succeeds in forcing the sale to be terminated altogether.
More information on this topic can be found here.
The Archdiocese of New York announced that the Staten Island pastor who has been negotiating the sale of a convent to a bunch of camel-humping terrorists is stepping down from his position in order to spend more time with his ailing mother.
Whenever a politician gets caught with his hands in the cookie jar, he uses the "I'm resigning to spend more time with my family" routine (or the other stand-by, "I'm entering rehab") to get the spotlight off him as quickly as possible. I don't know Father Fennessey, but I smell a rat here. He's at the center of a shitstorm -- mostly of his own creation -- and it looks as if he's heading for the hills.
The Archdiocese then announces that Father Fennessey will be replaced, as if this was all rather routine...but then does nothing to respond to the community's concerns that the "New Management" is NOT connected to the Muslim Brotherhood. In fact, it appears as if the Archdiocese is still going through with the sale.
Never let it be said that the Church doesn't know how to make a decision when principles are at stake; it can be depended upon to choose money every time.
Just another example of how when the Catholic Church isn't screwing the Altar Boys, it's apparently very happy to give the Big Purple Shaft to everyone else in the Parish. For the right price. The community has succeeded in making this issue one which makes the Church very uncomfortable, and has sent them into (the predictable) Public Relations mode much sooner than anyone would have thought. Now, let's see if continued community pressure succeeds in forcing the sale to be terminated altogether.
More information on this topic can be found here.
The Trouble With Group Therapy, Part II...
...is that it very often makes you even more disgusted by your fellow human beings. I've quit this particular course because I've finally discovered that on a Crazy Scale of 1-to-10, I'm somewhere around a 2 -- and every one else there should be taken out and sterilized.
My major issues are "cured" (in the sense that any mental illness is ever really cured). I just haven't reliazed it until now. In part I think that's because the modern psychotherapy actually encourages people to assume a fetal position for far longer than is actually necessary or healthy, and that once you accept the concept of "sickness" it all-too-readily becomes an excuse. My problems have been mostly cured by time; no more Anxiety, no more Agoraphobia, and what was left over has now been put in it's proper perspective by close contact with people who are in far worse mental shape than I am, or perhaps ever was.
It was quite the scene, my announcement that I would not be back. I had no idea that people were forming emotional ties with me -- except for the "therpaist", who probably saw me as another potential convert to her perverted Cult-disguised-as-Christianity. That, after all, was he purpose of offering "free" therapy in the first place; gaining converts. But I digress...
There were tears (not mine, of course. My tolerance for those folks was already pretty low, and was not improved by several months of close contact and dirty laundry airing). There was even
some anger; somehow, I had managed to make myself an example to a few of the people there, although I hadn't "shared" much, and they were taking their "strength" from me -- that's when you KNOW you have to get out; anyone who looks to me for guidance is certainly crazier than I am, and when they start to express feelings of severe disappointment -- with bulging eyes -- well, let's just say the decision to leave starts to look like one of my more rational choices.
I'm looking forward now, and the Past is finally well-and-truly buried.
My major issues are "cured" (in the sense that any mental illness is ever really cured). I just haven't reliazed it until now. In part I think that's because the modern psychotherapy actually encourages people to assume a fetal position for far longer than is actually necessary or healthy, and that once you accept the concept of "sickness" it all-too-readily becomes an excuse. My problems have been mostly cured by time; no more Anxiety, no more Agoraphobia, and what was left over has now been put in it's proper perspective by close contact with people who are in far worse mental shape than I am, or perhaps ever was.
It was quite the scene, my announcement that I would not be back. I had no idea that people were forming emotional ties with me -- except for the "therpaist", who probably saw me as another potential convert to her perverted Cult-disguised-as-Christianity. That, after all, was he purpose of offering "free" therapy in the first place; gaining converts. But I digress...
There were tears (not mine, of course. My tolerance for those folks was already pretty low, and was not improved by several months of close contact and dirty laundry airing). There was even
some anger; somehow, I had managed to make myself an example to a few of the people there, although I hadn't "shared" much, and they were taking their "strength" from me -- that's when you KNOW you have to get out; anyone who looks to me for guidance is certainly crazier than I am, and when they start to express feelings of severe disappointment -- with bulging eyes -- well, let's just say the decision to leave starts to look like one of my more rational choices.
I'm looking forward now, and the Past is finally well-and-truly buried.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
How to Piss An EnviroMENTAList Off...
A Discussion I had this afternoon at the local Starbucks (paraphrased). Because I'm a complete jerk, I sometimes like to yank people's chains when they give me an excuse to do so. Especially deeply-committed numbskulls. My arguments weren't even good ones -- I just threw crap at her in order to piss her off. Although I do have to say, she looked AWESOME in that tight t-shirt!
Earnest Tree Hugger: Good afternoon, Sir. Can I ask you to sign a petition asking Congress to forbid any more offshore oil drilling, in light of the nasty spill in the Gulf of Mexico?
Me: You may ask -- but I'm in favor of drilling for all the oil we can, so that we don't have to buy it from murderous Muslims and South American communists.
ETH: Even if it means destroying our fisheries, and marshlands, not to mention millions of migratory birds?
Me: Oil is taken from the ground every day without destroying fisheries you know. It's almost your fault, and by that I mean people who walk around screaming about "Saving The Three-toed Desert Mosquito" that are complicit in that Gulf Disaster, you know? Besides, don't you care about Arab and South American fisheries? Why don't you try to get them to stop drilling?
ETH (taken slightly aback): All we want is for the Big Oil Companies to be responsible for making certain the environment is protected, and to persuade Mankind to change his ways. What's wrong with that?
Me: Why should Mankind change his ways, and what makes you think most people give a hoot about a bunch of migratory birds? Birds don't pay taxes, you know. And so far as I can see, you're only trying to get ME to change my ways. You aren't petitioning the Saudis or Hugo Chavez, you know, and they drill more oil than we do.
ETH (Getting annoyed with me): If we don't change our ways, if we don't break our addiction to oil, and we continue to treat the environment the way we do, we'll all be dead.
Me (reeling the sucker in): Ah, so if we don't change, we're all dead?
ETH (Heavy sigh): We'll destroy the planet, and then where will we be?
Me: Young Lady, do you believe in the Theory of Evolution?
ETH (non-plussed): Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?
Me (smirking): You make an argument that states if Man does not change -- that is to say EVOLVE and ADAPT to a new way of Life -- that Man will be dead. Why is it that Man is capable of Evolving and Adapting --yet fish, swamp beasts, migratory birds, insects, and so forth, who have been here a lot longer than we have -- are assumed to be unable to do so without your enlightened stewardship, or Congressional action?
ETH (Confused): What does that mean?
Me: It means that no matter what happens Nature recovers -- it always does. Either the Fish and Birds can adapt to oily water -- that is to say Evolve -- or they will die, and Evolution will have been proven. By protecting them by retarding the progress of Man, just might possibly be interfering with their own Natural Development. I mean, if Evolution is the Real Deal, the fish and birds will adapt, right?
ETH (Getting aggravated): But that Oil Spill is not a natural occurrence!!!! We're interfering with Evolution when create catastrophes like that!
Me: Of course it's a natural occurrence. Oil seeps out of the ocean floor every day, and our own process of Adaptation involves the manipulation of Nature. Maybe it doesn't seep out in these quantities, but it still does so all the same; the fish and so forth seem able to handle it.
ETH: That oil wouldn't be gushing out like that if we didn't drill for it! It's poisoning everything!
Me: We're drilling that deep because we're not allowed to drill on land, or closer to shore -- and that's your fault, too, you know. And besides, Crude Oil is made up of natural substances, isn't it?It used to be plants and animals at one time, didn't it? Nature created it, it stands to reason that Nature will figure out how to deal with it without our help.
ETH: So you don't care that we're killing off all life as we know it with this spill?
Me: It's hardly ALL life, you know. And no, I don't wish to live in a world that's poisoned, or has dirty air, or undrinkable water, but what makes you think that anything you can do, or worse, Congress can do, will make anything better?
ETH: Well, we have to try!
Me: Try, yes. But not if it makes us all poor and returns us to the Mud Age. By the way, your cell phone -- made from petroleum products, mined metals, and caustic chemicals -- is ringing, Sweetheart. You going to answer that?
ETH (perturbed): No, I'm not. I'm trying to get you to sign this. So, are you going to sign my petition or not? (She offers me her pen, and the sheet of paper -- made from dead trees -- clipped to her plastic -- made from Oil -- clipboard. I point this all out, she rolls her eyes).
Me: No,I don't think so.
ETH: So, you don't care about that Oil Spill, do you? You have no conception of the damage that's being done to our world, do you?
Me: I care about the Oil Spill, Sunshine. I just don't think a petition to Congress will solve the problem.
ETH (Flushing red): Would you stop calling me "Sweetheart" and "Sunshine"? It's very annoying, and sexist.
Me: No more annoying than someone who enters my personal space while I'm trying to read my newspaper, starts sermonizing, and then sticks a petition in my face.
ETH: I said "Excuse Me".
Me: Okay, so you're a polite, sermonizing petition-pusher.
ETH: So, would you please sign my petition?
Me: You still want me to sign your petition, even though I don't believe in what you're doing and you find me annoying and sexist?
ETH: It's for a good cause. You know, you were right about invading your space, and all. Sorry about that. Would you please sign? We're only trying to Heal the Planet.
Me (Noticing that she's changed tactics and is now patronizing me as a way to get me to do something I don't want to -- as if that will work). No, I don't think so, Cupcake.
ETH (now enraged): STOP CALLING ME PET NAMES! I DON'T LIKE IT!
Me: I'm sorry, Sugarshorts, but I'm not signing today. Have a nice day (cracking his newspaper open again).
ETH (Perhaps about to cry): How can you just sit there?
Me: I was doing so before you bothered me, and will do so after you're gone. There's an entire coffee shop full of people; why are you still picking on me?
(ETH has no answer for this, and storms off to bother someone else. I laugh).
I'm concerned about the Gulf Oil Spill because it's a catastrophe that will deprive people of their livelihoods, cost a shitload of money we don't have to clean up, and yeah, I care about pelicans, too. But the combination of Treehuggers and Government are in large part responsible for this mess, and I don't intend to give either any more power or permission to interfere any more than they already have.
We're now seeing what happens when we pay too much attention to environMENTALists, and give far too much deference -- and power -- to Government.
Earnest Tree Hugger: Good afternoon, Sir. Can I ask you to sign a petition asking Congress to forbid any more offshore oil drilling, in light of the nasty spill in the Gulf of Mexico?
Me: You may ask -- but I'm in favor of drilling for all the oil we can, so that we don't have to buy it from murderous Muslims and South American communists.
ETH: Even if it means destroying our fisheries, and marshlands, not to mention millions of migratory birds?
Me: Oil is taken from the ground every day without destroying fisheries you know. It's almost your fault, and by that I mean people who walk around screaming about "Saving The Three-toed Desert Mosquito" that are complicit in that Gulf Disaster, you know? Besides, don't you care about Arab and South American fisheries? Why don't you try to get them to stop drilling?
ETH (taken slightly aback): All we want is for the Big Oil Companies to be responsible for making certain the environment is protected, and to persuade Mankind to change his ways. What's wrong with that?
Me: Why should Mankind change his ways, and what makes you think most people give a hoot about a bunch of migratory birds? Birds don't pay taxes, you know. And so far as I can see, you're only trying to get ME to change my ways. You aren't petitioning the Saudis or Hugo Chavez, you know, and they drill more oil than we do.
ETH (Getting annoyed with me): If we don't change our ways, if we don't break our addiction to oil, and we continue to treat the environment the way we do, we'll all be dead.
Me (reeling the sucker in): Ah, so if we don't change, we're all dead?
ETH (Heavy sigh): We'll destroy the planet, and then where will we be?
Me: Young Lady, do you believe in the Theory of Evolution?
ETH (non-plussed): Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?
Me (smirking): You make an argument that states if Man does not change -- that is to say EVOLVE and ADAPT to a new way of Life -- that Man will be dead. Why is it that Man is capable of Evolving and Adapting --yet fish, swamp beasts, migratory birds, insects, and so forth, who have been here a lot longer than we have -- are assumed to be unable to do so without your enlightened stewardship, or Congressional action?
ETH (Confused): What does that mean?
Me: It means that no matter what happens Nature recovers -- it always does. Either the Fish and Birds can adapt to oily water -- that is to say Evolve -- or they will die, and Evolution will have been proven. By protecting them by retarding the progress of Man, just might possibly be interfering with their own Natural Development. I mean, if Evolution is the Real Deal, the fish and birds will adapt, right?
ETH (Getting aggravated): But that Oil Spill is not a natural occurrence!!!! We're interfering with Evolution when create catastrophes like that!
Me: Of course it's a natural occurrence. Oil seeps out of the ocean floor every day, and our own process of Adaptation involves the manipulation of Nature. Maybe it doesn't seep out in these quantities, but it still does so all the same; the fish and so forth seem able to handle it.
ETH: That oil wouldn't be gushing out like that if we didn't drill for it! It's poisoning everything!
Me: We're drilling that deep because we're not allowed to drill on land, or closer to shore -- and that's your fault, too, you know. And besides, Crude Oil is made up of natural substances, isn't it?It used to be plants and animals at one time, didn't it? Nature created it, it stands to reason that Nature will figure out how to deal with it without our help.
ETH: So you don't care that we're killing off all life as we know it with this spill?
Me: It's hardly ALL life, you know. And no, I don't wish to live in a world that's poisoned, or has dirty air, or undrinkable water, but what makes you think that anything you can do, or worse, Congress can do, will make anything better?
ETH: Well, we have to try!
Me: Try, yes. But not if it makes us all poor and returns us to the Mud Age. By the way, your cell phone -- made from petroleum products, mined metals, and caustic chemicals -- is ringing, Sweetheart. You going to answer that?
ETH (perturbed): No, I'm not. I'm trying to get you to sign this. So, are you going to sign my petition or not? (She offers me her pen, and the sheet of paper -- made from dead trees -- clipped to her plastic -- made from Oil -- clipboard. I point this all out, she rolls her eyes).
Me: No,I don't think so.
ETH: So, you don't care about that Oil Spill, do you? You have no conception of the damage that's being done to our world, do you?
Me: I care about the Oil Spill, Sunshine. I just don't think a petition to Congress will solve the problem.
ETH (Flushing red): Would you stop calling me "Sweetheart" and "Sunshine"? It's very annoying, and sexist.
Me: No more annoying than someone who enters my personal space while I'm trying to read my newspaper, starts sermonizing, and then sticks a petition in my face.
ETH: I said "Excuse Me".
Me: Okay, so you're a polite, sermonizing petition-pusher.
ETH: So, would you please sign my petition?
Me: You still want me to sign your petition, even though I don't believe in what you're doing and you find me annoying and sexist?
ETH: It's for a good cause. You know, you were right about invading your space, and all. Sorry about that. Would you please sign? We're only trying to Heal the Planet.
Me (Noticing that she's changed tactics and is now patronizing me as a way to get me to do something I don't want to -- as if that will work). No, I don't think so, Cupcake.
ETH (now enraged): STOP CALLING ME PET NAMES! I DON'T LIKE IT!
Me: I'm sorry, Sugarshorts, but I'm not signing today. Have a nice day (cracking his newspaper open again).
ETH (Perhaps about to cry): How can you just sit there?
Me: I was doing so before you bothered me, and will do so after you're gone. There's an entire coffee shop full of people; why are you still picking on me?
(ETH has no answer for this, and storms off to bother someone else. I laugh).
I'm concerned about the Gulf Oil Spill because it's a catastrophe that will deprive people of their livelihoods, cost a shitload of money we don't have to clean up, and yeah, I care about pelicans, too. But the combination of Treehuggers and Government are in large part responsible for this mess, and I don't intend to give either any more power or permission to interfere any more than they already have.
We're now seeing what happens when we pay too much attention to environMENTALists, and give far too much deference -- and power -- to Government.
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