Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Douchebag of the Week (2/17/10): Joe Biden

Note: I know this feature usually appears on Mondays, but I was quite busy earlier in the week and forgot all about it. I'm back on schedule now...I think.

The recent battle royale on the Sunday talk shows revolved around the war of words between Vice Presidents: Dick Cheney and Joe Biden, on the subject of the War on Terror (more like the Public-Relations-Campaign-With-Guns-Against-Terror, but that's another post entirely).Dick has made himself a thorn in the side of the Obambi Administration (such as it is) by continually, and factually, accusing the Obamatards of being weak in the face of Islamofascist terrorism. Never ones to let anything that can even be remotely construed as a Personal Attack upon His Heinous Barack I to go unchallenged, the Obameisters sent Joe Biden out to 'set the record straight'.

Joe Biden is perhaps one of the biggest political doofuses in American history, perhaps even outpacing anyone with the surname 'Kennedy'. A man so bland and uninteresting that he has had to invent an entirely new past for himself, and not just once, but several times. The makeovers and repackaging occur at dizzying speeds, as Joe tries to stay one step ahead of those who know he's an asshole, but just haven't convinced enough people to pay attention yet.

The best-known version of Joe Biden's past belonged to another, and arguably better, man: Neil Kinnock, the Welsh-born leader of Britain's'Old Labour' party who railed against what he thought of as the Nazi-like Margaret Thatcher and her Conservatives in the British Parliament. Kinnock, born into a hardscrabble existence to a common laborer and a nurse, was one of those old-time success stories; the local lad made good through hard work, sharpened by the rough-and-tumble of life and politics, until he stood as a Statesman of the First Degree and a Man of the People. Kinnock at least had the advantage of being believable and articulate, even if you hated his guts.

Of course, Joe had to eventually admit to 'borrowing' parts of Kinnock's life (including his speeches) to burnish his own reputation, and it cost him his first run for the Presidency. Perhaps if Joe had taken notice of the fact that Kinnock was often referred to as "The Welsh Windbag" he might have selected a different life story to co-opt. But Joe never knows when to stop; it's a habit. He also had to admit to another act of plagiarism, as when he lifted an entire law review article and passed it on as his own work during his first year of Law School. He went through several other permutations: Joe the Amtrak Commuter, Joe the Regular Guy having coffee with he hoi-polloi in a diner that had been closed for a decade, Joe the Loveable Dope who couldn't help but trip over his own tongue.

But this new-and-improved Joe Biden, the Terror Warrior Extraordinaire, the perfect foil to the Evil Darth Cheney, is just too much to bear with a straight face. It's almost hard to take him seriously and this presents one with an interesting conundrum; you know he's a pompous ass, a screaming moron, a 'Me-Too!' sort of guy, but compared to his Boss, he's almost credible despite the literally-storybook past and propensity to talk out both sides of his mouth and rectum simultaneously.

The subject this past Sunday was whether the Obama Administration sends the wrong message about it's supposedly-tough stance on Terrorism when it tries to convict terrorists in civilian courts, rather than in Military Tribunals. The answer to this is a resounding "YES!" to anyone with more sense than a cocker spaniel, but Joe is compelled to spin yet one more fantasy yarn; Barack Obama is prosecuting terrorists in the same way that George W. Bush did. So, there's no need for Dick Cheney to open his yap, is there?

Essentially, this argument is true; the difference, however, between the Bush Administration's handling of terror trials and Barack Obama's lies in the context.

Bush ordered these cases be tried by Military Courts, only to run afoul of the democratic Congress and the Far-Left who wants to see America humbled yet again. It was they who screamed about such things being blatantly "unfair' and challenging Bush's authority as Commander-in-Chief to do such things. The Supreme Court of the United States agreed; the President may be Commander in Chief, but he did not have the authority to try these scum in military courts without the authorization of Congress. Authorization was sought, and received. Twice. Both laws granting Bush that authority passed Constitutional Muster (although not without dissent from the knuckleheads on the Left side of the Supreme Court), and every time the Bush Administration tried to convict a terrorist in Military Courts, the attempt was pre-emptively stymied by counter-suits filed by every left-leaning, terrorist-coddling organization you could think of. Some of them even associated with Eric Holder.

Bush eventually had no choice, despite having the authority to try these scumbags in Military Courts, but to try terrorists in Civilian courts -- if they were to be tried and convicted at all, and the trials themselves not held hostage to years of litigation in defense of killers.

Barack Obama, then a Senator, incidentally voted against both authorizations for military tribunals, telling you where his heart truly lay. If that isn't enough, guess who his Attorney General is? To be fair, you can give Obama his due in this regard: while he's a lying sack of crap about using all the tools available to him in the fight against terrorism, and he's wrong about using Civilian Courts to try what are, essentially, War Crimes, he's at least consistent in which tools he chooses to use, and his general attitude towards treating Terrorism as a criminal and diplomatic matter, easily handled with lawyers and envoys. Military Tribunals are opposed by the Left -- because the trials might be found to be fair after all, and even more expeditious than civilian trials, and this would burst their myth of America as a racist, despicable place that burns witches and gays at the stake and shoots puppies between the eyes on behalf of ExxonMobil or Jerry Falwell. No Leftist can admit that the Military can be fair or trustworthy (it's an evil institution that kills people of color for money), and the United States should never be allowed to win anything. Not wars... and certainly not trials.

For not making this fine, but important, distinction clear,for not telling the absolute truth to the public, and for not telling the whole story of the trials and tribulations the Military Tribunal system has been through, and for having the audacity to dare to compare his douchebag boss to George W.Bush, Joe Biden has achieved a level of douchery rarely seen and hardly to be believed.

I recall from my history studies that in the Second Wold War, an American General sent to aid the sorry excuse of a government of Chaiang Kai-shek in it's fight against the Japanese, General Stilwell -- one f the forgotten heroes of that era -- who was referred to as "Vinegar Joe" because of his abrasive and combative attitude. Stillwell was hard to get along with, yes, but he was a brilliant, fighting general who was dropped into a politically-impossible situation, and was frustrated in his attempts to defeat the enemy. I think I refer to Biden as "Vinegar and Water Joe" because of his manifest douchiness, but also because of this semi-parallel: Biden's brand of poltically-generated pablum makes it difficult for today's generals to defeat their enemies, too.

I wish Dick Cheney would challenge Joe Biden to a fistfight and kick his ass.

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