Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Just Wash Your Balls, Dammit!

You'll be happy to know that $800,000 in U.S. Taxpayer Stimulus Money was spent to teach African men how to properly wash their Wedding Tackle.

The expenditure was considered necessary in order to prevent the spread of AIDS and other STD's.

Some observations:

1. My mother taught me at a very young age to wash my tallywhacker regularly. While this was never presented to me as a way of avoiding chlamydia -- or worse -- it would seem to me to be something so fundamentally obvious to everyone on Planet Earth, that I'm absolutely shocked that it must be taught to anyone via government program.

2. You now know why Africa will always be impoverished and disease-ridden; African men know how to fuck, but apparently not how to wash properly. Countries in which basic hygiene is an obscure and arcane art are countries where progress is next-to-impossible. Without progress, there can be no civilization, let alone it's adjuncts of prosperity and democracy.

3. I'd like to know which Congresscritter got this bit of stupidity into the Porkulus Bill, and then have him or her flogged on national television. The purpose of the Stimulus Bill was to stimulate economic growth in this country and put Americans to work, not to bring the wonder of soap to the...ummm...great unwashed masses. That near-million bucks could have been better used here.

4. I'm personally inclined to let anyone who won't wrap that rascal, or take any of the most basic of preventative actions to protect their personal health, die.

5. I guess bringing the benefits of washing your One-eyed-Moisture-Seeking-Missile frequently is the modern equivalent of the White Man's Burden.

6. Now you know why the country is broke: it is somehow in the vital national interest to spend scads of Taxpayer money in foreign countries to teach a bunch of horny dingbats to keep their Meat Whistle clean. Our political class is a convocation of morons.

7. I will now avoid African women (that's Africa-African) like the plague; I now know what they've been doing, and worse, what they've been doing it with.

No comments: