Tuesday, March 23, 2010

News Flash: Diversity Training Makes People More Racist..

Well, DUUUUUH! You sit in a room for two days surrounded by Blacks, Latinos, Homosexuals, and Ugly Broads, all encouraged to have a go at Mr. White Heterosexual, free of consequence (after all, it's not likely he's going to get out of his chair and punch you in the mouth in front of a room full of witnesses, is it?), and see how would you feel?

I know how I felt. I would have shot everyone in the room just to ensure most of them didn't breed any further and pollute the planet with even more whiney, dickless little bedwetters. The biggest complainers are the blacks who arrive fifteen minutes late every day and leave a half-hour early, who can't write a memo in Standard English, and can't talk to each other from a distance of five feet without screaming at the tops of their lungs, crying about how they don't get promotions because of their color.

Then come the Ugly Broads, who complain loudly about Sexual Harassment. What they're really complaining about is how no one harasses them. And by God, if no one is playing Grab-Ass with Cindy the Landwhale, then no one should be allowed to play Grab-Ass with Sally Spermberper from the Temp Pool, either. The Nice-looking Chicks have no issue with Sexual Harassment, per se, until they don't want to date you anymore, or you didn't buy her something she wanted. One day, you're Making the Beast with Two Backs, the next day, you're walking the unemployment line and looking for a good attorney. You never hear a man complain of Sexual Harassment, even at the hands of an Ugly Broad. The only time you'll ever hear a man complain he's being Sexually Harassed is if another dude is the aggressor.

Rule of thumb: no matter what the temptaion, NEVER get sexually or emotionally involved with someone you have to work with.

The only real moments of comic relief, or at least a lessening of the tension in that sort of setting, comes from the Gay Men. Especially the one's who are under the impression that you haven't noticed just how Gay they were the last decade you've been working with them, and they take the opportunity afforded by Diversity Training to "come out" -- with the added benefit that they've now staked out their territory as a legally-protected minority in front of fifty witnesses. There's nothing funnier than a flamboyantly Gay Man who is genuinely shocked...shocked...that you already knew he was a Butt Pirate before he told you. Perhaps singing showtunes as you skipped through the office and the home-made baked goods, all the fishing for compliments about your shoes and haircut, the fact that you were the only man in the building with a manicure set in your desk, the oversized pen with the purple ostrich feather in it, this was you keeping a secret?

I've been through the wringer of Diversity Training. Sixteen hours over two days, no less. I walked out of that class thinking that most of humanity fell into the category of Disgusting Pile of Extraneous Genetic Material That Somehow Learned to Speak. I never hated anyone before. Afterwards, I hated everyone.

I'm of the mind that of you wanted to eliminate racism, you're better off a) dropping diversity classes, b) stop forcing integration of the races by government diktat, and c) stop reminding people of their differences.

We'll all be a lot happier, and the charlatans who run these Diversity Training scams would go broke, the courts would be empty and the lawyers all begging for pennies on the streets.

(H/T FiveFeetofFury)


Sabra said...

I really should know better by now, not to come visit you if I don't want a good laugh. You DO have a way with words, Matthew. And, for right now, it hurts to laugh. Damn you! I'll check back again when the stitches are removed and it is safe to laugh. The Butt Pirate... "this was you keeping a secret?" Too funny!

Matthew said...

My apologies for the unintended pain. Stay well, and we'll see you again soon!

P.S. I was wondering; will there be "Before" and "After" picures?