Monday, March 22, 2010

Douchebag of the Week (03/22/10): Bart Stupak...

Oh, to be Bart Stupak this morning! To awake to that familiar smell! Is it the honeysuckle below the bedroom window in bloom? Is it the fresh air of a crisp, new day?

It's probably gasoline, Congressman. There's probably some of them loopier Right-to-Lifers right outside your bedroom window right now who have branded you an Enemy of God. Some of them will just follow you around, a constant annoyance, others might actually try to harm you. They've done it before, you know; abortionists shot or beaten up, clinics bombed, that sort of thing. You might want to do something about beefing up your personal security.

Now, I'm not advocating any violence whatsoever against anyone (excepting, as always, Muslims -- because they're an existential threat to civilization), but it's really going to suck to be Bart Stupak this morning, and for many mornings to come. And it should.

Because the Michigan Democrat (that's redundant, isn't it?) played out a little drama before the American people, wherein for months he's pretended to be opposed to ObamaCare because of his concern for certain provisions which would fund Abortion with federal monies, and in the process he gained praise, notoriety, lots of face time with Greta Van Susteren, and probably not an inconsiderable sum of money that flowed into his campaign coffers from Pro-Life and Catholic groups, He was considered one of the few principled, trustworthy democrats left on Planet Earth because of his public stand.

But that was so obviously a charade, for Bart Stupak showed his true colors on national television last night. Stupak traded his opposition to Universal Band-Aids and Eyedrops for People Who Won't Pay for It, Ever for a worthless piece of paper signed by the less-than-trustworthy Barack Obama -- one that purports to uphold 30 years of federal law and not federally-fund birth-control-of-the-last-resort-for-the-deadbeat-classes -- which is about as valuable and as real as Monopoly Money. If it wasn't bad enough being so obviously tricked by Obama (and let's face it, it was such an obvious dupe that Stupak, in effect, took a dive. The Executive Order promise was nothing more than a phantom punch to makeit look real), Stupak then has the audacity to hypocritically stand up on the House Floor and repudiate everything he said he stood for, including the language he himself included in the bill, while attacking the Pro-Lifers of America who supported him, and patted him on the back.

Dante says there's a particular spot in Hell for the Hypocrites, Mr. Stupak (assuming there is a Hell). I find it rather unfortunate that there aren't even less-comfortable accommodations for you in the here-and-now. Your little public stage play should net you no less. Your "principled stand on behalf of the unborn" was little more than the equivalent of showing a little more leg until the John made a more acceptable offer.

But, before we get all carried away and accuse Mr. Stupak of being that gullible and self-interested, we should point out that his district will be getting a shitload of taxpayer money to upgrade three regional airports. That was Bart Stupak's Louisiana Purchase. He should consider himself lucky; he could have sold himself cheaper, like Dennis Kucinich, and just gotten a ride on Air Force One, and maybe one of those really neat AF1 placemats with the connect-the-dots, and the kiddie crossword puzzle on it.

Besides those airport projects, and the enmity of those committed to the cause of Life, Mr. Stupak can now sport at least one other badge. This one consists of three concentric circles drawn across his upper back. These serve both a figurative and literal purpose: Mr. Stupak is now a target this November. If the republicans can find someone able to walk and chew gum at the same time, Stupak is an electoral dead man. If he somehow manages to survive an electoral challenge, he'll have to watch his back for that Right-Wing-Domestic-Terrorist-Pro-Lifer sniper Janet Napolitano is always all freaked out about. Then, he'll have to deal with the passage of time, as every second of every day -- for the rest of his life -- his conscience (if he has one) weighs upon him and he'll curse himself for his stupidity, vanity and hypocrisy.

If we're lucky, Bart Stupak awakes this morning to realize what an absolute dick he's been, and never shows his face in the daylight again.

Congressman Bart Stupak, you are our Douchebag of the Week.

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